My counseling appointment yesterday
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
I remember when someone on this forum said to me about the way my husband was treating me; "that is abuse!" I was shocked. Further they suggested I get counseling from a domestic violence professional. Again; shock.
As others have said here, the alcoholic whittles down at everything that is who we are. I've found in my own life, that I never really have known who I truly am and what is important to me. I've always relied on the man in my life to define those things. NO MORE! I'm on the path of discovering who I am, and what is important to me. For example, the other day my downstairs condo neighbor was outside below my 3rd floor deck angrily moving things and throwing things around outside and yelling for some minor infraction another condo resident had committed. I popped up out of my chair and headed inside saying to myself; "I don't DO anger!". I had defined something that was important to me, and set a boundary. That was #1 on my list of finding out what is important to Tigger.
I hope that you will begin to recognize your AH's abuse of you. That you'll learn to trust your gut, and begin to stand up for yourself. You ARE of utmost importance! You are wonderful and beautiful and precious. And as others here have said, you are loved an supported HERE. I hope that you will trust what your therapist has said, particularly since he has sat through sessions with your AH. Please Sweetie, take care of yourself, keep yourself safe. If you haven't already done so, open a separate bank account and start putting $'s in there when you can, and scope around for a place to go should things get worse.
Hugs and Hope to you!
Tigger
As others have said here, the alcoholic whittles down at everything that is who we are. I've found in my own life, that I never really have known who I truly am and what is important to me. I've always relied on the man in my life to define those things. NO MORE! I'm on the path of discovering who I am, and what is important to me. For example, the other day my downstairs condo neighbor was outside below my 3rd floor deck angrily moving things and throwing things around outside and yelling for some minor infraction another condo resident had committed. I popped up out of my chair and headed inside saying to myself; "I don't DO anger!". I had defined something that was important to me, and set a boundary. That was #1 on my list of finding out what is important to Tigger.
I hope that you will begin to recognize your AH's abuse of you. That you'll learn to trust your gut, and begin to stand up for yourself. You ARE of utmost importance! You are wonderful and beautiful and precious. And as others here have said, you are loved an supported HERE. I hope that you will trust what your therapist has said, particularly since he has sat through sessions with your AH. Please Sweetie, take care of yourself, keep yourself safe. If you haven't already done so, open a separate bank account and start putting $'s in there when you can, and scope around for a place to go should things get worse.
Hugs and Hope to you!
Tigger
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 215
This morning I have feelings of anger and hatred toward him and I dont like that. Dont want to be like that. But I am angry at myself...for feeling like I have to skunk around the house and feel nervous, keep a pulse on him and his moods. Roll with whatever he is at the moment. WTF! What have I created? In my opinion he behaves like a tyrant at times - not always overtly but subtely, passive aggressively. I should not place blame, should not label. I DONT LIKE LIVING THIS WAY. I feel so trapped. I know I have my own defects and am fully aware of areas I need to improve in like honesty and communication. So tonight I will put forth my best effort and really share from the heart. I have to. I feel uneasy and I need to let him know. Otherwise I am living a lie.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
The sucky thing is, there is nothing you can do to change him. You being MORE honest with him can't do it either, unless he is the kind of guy that will listen to and respect you.
It is awesome to practice! Just don't get your heart set on him changing.
If he is controlling, manipulative, abusive - whatever - he just is.
But HOORAY! For you seeing you don't like it.
You can't change him. You can't change him. You can't change him.
Good luck!
It is awesome to practice! Just don't get your heart set on him changing.
If he is controlling, manipulative, abusive - whatever - he just is.
But HOORAY! For you seeing you don't like it.
You can't change him. You can't change him. You can't change him.
Good luck!
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
It was the same for me Jehn, my therapist pointed out that what he was doing to me was abuse. I tried to make excuses for him.
I still deal with the guilt and shame, of why I put up with it as long as I did.
In my case there was no way to "work it out". He still maintains that it's all me, it was always all me, and it always will be all my fault and all my problems.
So be it.
I still deal with the guilt and shame, of why I put up with it as long as I did.
In my case there was no way to "work it out". He still maintains that it's all me, it was always all me, and it always will be all my fault and all my problems.
So be it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi jehnifer-
i can appreciate that you feel a need to communicate honestly with your husband; however,
in my experience, i found that impossible. mine wouldn't hear me.
oh, i tried to communicate. things like "when you do x, i feel y"...
it didn't matter. he didn't want to look at anything. he wanted to forget everything and pretend it didn't happen.
i guess my point it's possible that he won't be receptive to such communication. it doesn't mean that you're not being honest if you can't share your feelings with him. mine was essentially emotionally unavailable.
as for the ponytail thing, how ridiculous! and familiar. mine used to say to me to always wear my hair down, that i looked bad with it pulled back. to me, these are signs that my man saw me as a possession rather than a person.
naive
i can appreciate that you feel a need to communicate honestly with your husband; however,
in my experience, i found that impossible. mine wouldn't hear me.
oh, i tried to communicate. things like "when you do x, i feel y"...
it didn't matter. he didn't want to look at anything. he wanted to forget everything and pretend it didn't happen.
i guess my point it's possible that he won't be receptive to such communication. it doesn't mean that you're not being honest if you can't share your feelings with him. mine was essentially emotionally unavailable.
as for the ponytail thing, how ridiculous! and familiar. mine used to say to me to always wear my hair down, that i looked bad with it pulled back. to me, these are signs that my man saw me as a possession rather than a person.
naive
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