Pros and Cons of Leaving - My List
 

Pros
1. Peace in my home
2. Making my own rules
3. Owning any pet I want. Getting my parrots back and all the dogs I want.
4. Sleeping all night long with no worries
5. Possibly finding someone who wants to be a true partner and sharing the responsibilities of everyday life.
6. Having a holiday where there's no stress or tension or no one passed out on the kitchen floor before people go home.
7. Getting my self esteem back
8. Being held at night by someone who is capable of showing any emotion
9. Doing things that I enjoy doing and not worrying about what he's up to
10. Having someone to depend on if I need to
11. Not being angry anymore
12. Being excited about life again
13. Only being responsible for myself and my obligations, not someone else's.
14. Not worrying what damage is being done to the children.
15. Not being called vile names
16. Not having to replace things he's broken
17. The chance at being with someone who has integrity and motivation to be better
18. The chance of being with someone who makes me better for being with them
178. The chance at a normal life!


CONS
1. I love him.
2. I love his children and this will hurt them
3. I'll miss the fun times because there are some
4. We have a beautiful home and nice things. I wanted to live there forever.
5. He does pay half the home costs
6. I hate hurting him
7. It's hard to admit defeat
8. Hmmmmm...I need to think harder....the Pros were so much easier to come up with.

And, believe me, I can dispute a lot of these cons, but I still feel that way.

Since you posted this on the forum, I will take the liberty of addressing these cons - from my personal experience.

1. I can still love him without subjecting myself and my children to the front row seat of his alcoholic drama.
2. I am not responsible for my partners alcoholism. Alcoholism affects the entire family. I am responsible for protecting myself and my children from the front row seat of active alcoholism. The airplane analogy: During preflight readiness on airlines, the flight attendant instructs the passengers on what to do in the event of an actual emergency. If the airmasks drop down, we are instructed to put on our personal mask first before we attempt to assist other passengers.
3. I will have more fun times. People and things will come and go in my life. I will give thanks for the wonderful memories and grieve their losses as they leave my life.
4. I had to let go of the fantasy of living happily ever after. The home did not have magical powers to keep my family happy and healthy. The marriage license did not have magical powers to keep my family happy and healthy. The stuff was just stuff. My reality is: everything in this life is impermanent. I needed to let go of my fantasies of "how it should be" and start living my life in the moments of here and now.
5. Paying the mortgage. My partner paid most of our home costs. I needed to consult a lawyer to find out how much support I was allowed under our state laws and based on past income, child support, debts and health care costs.
6. I had to stop putting my partners happiness, comfort and importance before my own. I had to face the truths of my codependency. I was always concerned about his feelings being hurt. I didn't want him to explode in rage or sulk in pity. I was always anticipating his feelings. The reality is that I can not control another persons feelings. My relationship partners are responsible for their own feelings of sadness, gladness, madness and fear. I can not make another person feel sad, glad, mad or fearful. I am not that powerful. (hangs super woman costume back in closet)
7. Shame. Alanon helped me with that jewel (thorn). From Courage to Change: "Shame is an excuse to hate ourselves today for something we did or didn't do in the past. There is no room in a shame-filled mind for the fact that we did our best at the time, no room to accept that as human beings we are bound to make mistakes." Feeling shame likely means I need a reality check. I can turn my misdeeds into victories by forgiving myself and trusting myself to do better next time.
8. What do I really want for my life?

1. Why? People often make these statements but when confronted with the question "why", they do not know how to answer. Do you love this man wholly and completely, as he is TODAY, right now? Because this is the only person he is willing to be.

2. As we discussed before, you can potentially arrange your life so that his children will be an important part of your life. Also, you can, by making this move, teach these girls that it is NOT OK for a man to treat his partner the way your partner treats you. Yes they will be hurt, and so will you, but they will learn something as well.

3. You can still cherish the great memories you had and leave. There's nothing wrong with that. AND you can make more great memories and fun times by yourself, with your children/step-children, with friends, family, and with those dogs you want to get!

4. Nice things and a beautiful home are material...they can be wrecked, devalue, and they can also keep you prisoner in a mental state that's plain old destructive to who you are. You can rebuild that home somewhere else, and this time, it can be a safe place for you, instead of being a beautiful home filled with pain and sorrow.

5. Whooop-deee-dooo for him for paying half the costs. This is where you talk to a lawyer and find out what your options are with regards to either getting him to take over the entire mortgage or selling or...

6. You may hate hurting him, but he doesn't seem particularly bothered by the hurt he's made you and your children and HIS children go through with his addiction. Again, this is something that falls under the Bad Guy Mantle...yes, people may be hurt by your actions, but DO NOT control those things. You aren't that powerful! You can only control yourself. You you you, it's ALL about you :)

7. I totally understand this. I held onto the notion of "Stand By Your Man" for the longest time, not wanting to admit to my family and friends that things weren't going well. I thought I was SO GOOD at hiding what was happening, but in the end, when I left, they *all* breathed a sigh of relief and proceeded to tell me that they'd known for a long time that I was living in hell.

8. There's always going to be a price to pay for any change in your life, but there's also so much to be gained.

How about this...where do you see yourself in 5 years? Make a list of where you'd like to be, what you'd like to have accomplished...compare that list to where you are now. What do you see?

Sounds like you know what you want to do! :ghug3

For me when I made out my list... I found it extremely empowering and motivational. The mythical power the A has over us begins to melt away because we begin to see things the way we want them to be.... not how the A tells us it is.

It's difficult to address issues until you actually pen (pin) them down... and see it in black and white and for what they really are.

You're doing GREAT!

1. I love my mother but I don't live with her. I love lots of people I don't live with or share money or a bed with.

2. If they are older you can still have a relationship with his children.

3. There are just as many if not more fun times without him.

4. Maybe you can work out something with the house. If not, you will love any happy home with your pets and serenity. But you can't sell your soul for a house.

5. Financial realities are rough.

6. How does he feel about hurting you?

Noday, my dear. You have just said it all for me.

Becki, welcome to you, and I just want to heartily agree with the posters above, and to wish you all the best. I put you in my prayers.

God bless

You sound like an amazing woman. Very smart and with an inner strength. You'll get through this.

The Pro's are easier because there are so many. The con's are harder because there are so few. ;)

Everyone else has said it so well. I guess I just wanted to remind you that alcoholism is progressive. IME, before you know it, your love for him will be obliterated by resentment and confusion, the fun times will be few and far between and marred by the overwhelming hopelessness that envelopes your life, he will no longer be able to pay half the home costs because drinking will interfere with his ability to earn income in one way or another, and the home you loved will be the home you can not wait to get out of. That is based on my experience only.

I hated hurting him. I hate hurting anyone. I wanted to protect him but more then that, I felt incredible anxiety when he was upset - anxiety at his uncomfortableness. My boundaries went crashing down to alleviate his emotional distress, which were causing such a physical/emotional reaction in me. When I finally realized this dynamic about myself, it was easier to make decisions in my best interest and stick with them. It cleared some of my confusion.

The children. :sad: They are always under the bus no matter what we choose sometimes. With the help of some people here, and some reading, I realized that staying in a dysfunctional relationship isn't doing them any favors. I read somewhere that there is something worse then coming from a broken family, and that was living inside one. It also became apparent to me that I was just as dysfunctional as he was. As a matter of fact, the age my children are, I would imagine that if they were to say who was causing all the drama, it would have been me. I was always angry, inflexible, always after them, always unhappy. It isn't good. As xah's alcoholism progressed they also saw him intoxicated more often, saw him drink so much, and I had a flash of what would happen - they'd grow up to be another statistic. Our life could not be their normal.

I think my Pro/Con list looked exactly like yours.

It's amazing how our stories are all so similar.

I wish you peace and happiness, whatever you decide.

:a194:

Wow that hit home. Reality is hard. My AH is in treatment but slipped over last weekend. I attended my first Al-Anon meeting this week. I'm changing the way I think but see most of us try to think alike for our peace and sanity.

I think noday addressed this one well, but, I would like to add what went through my head when I read this one on the list.

"...this will hurt them." Are you so sure of that? You may be projecting something that you think, and feel, onto them. I so did not want my children to be the result of a broken home (more so than it already was). I so did not want to hurt them and force them to wear this badge. What a relief and delight it was when I discovered that I was wrong.

I think the modeling is SSOOOO important. What are you and this man modeling for those younguns?

You are really zooming along Becki.

Pros:
1:Not worrying that he is gonna drink.
2:Being myself without having to be questioned about it.
3:Actually getting invited to things.
4:Go out and have fun.
5:Laugh
6:And really laugh no nervous laugh because your wondering what they might make from your laughing.
7:No tip toeing around because it's the weekend or something bad has happened or it the bestest day of their lives and they gotta drink.
8:No more excuses.
9:No more lies
10:Freedom.


Cons:
1:Love them
2:Miss them
3:Worried about them
4:Don't want anyone else
5:WELL I FELT LIKE THIS WHEN I HAD HIM SO WHAT DOES THAT TELL ME!!!!!!!!!!

Pros:
1. Not hearing the clink of the icecubes and the snap of the beer can being opened and feeling that deep, familiar dread
2. No more feeling anxious all the time
3. Being able to focus on importants things I CAN control - like my career, and my garden, my outlook and my attitude
4. Not worrying about how I've dissappointed him YET again
5. Not having to hear how other women possess more desireable qualities than I
6. Not being around a man who is incredibly unhappy and then projects that onto me

CONS:
1. the loss of a partner -- oops scratch that (wrong column)
2. the loss of a great friendship --- (see line above)
3. the loss of great meals (what can I say -- the man can cook)


Wow -- how liberating when you write it down.

Just think -- this is a man who has been sober for half a year. No doubt he's a dry drunk because none of this behaviours changed when he quit drinking. He was still a liar, a cheater, emotionally abusive -- but sober.

OH. DEAR.

All but the first one Bumblinalong wrote i can relate to: WARNING PEOPLE WARNING He's 8 years sober and... these are my issues especially 2. 4. and 6. What does that say? Things may not get better...OH DEAR.

1. Not hearing the clink of the icecubes and the snap of the beer can being opened and feeling that deep, familiar dread
2. No more feeling anxious all the time
3. Being able to focus on importants things I CAN control - like my career, and my garden, my outlook and my attitude
4. Not worrying about how I've dissappointed him YET again
5. Not having to hear how other women possess more desireable qualities than I
6. Not being around a man who is incredibly unhappy and then projects that onto me

i feel disappointed.

The more I think of the Pros, the more empowered I feel! I am so excited about meeting a man whose worst con is leaving his socks on the floor! Wouldn't that be SO refreshing? (Lord as my witness - I promise that I won't even bat an eye)
Alcoholism has taken enough of my life -- which is ironic because I don't even drink.

My counselor had me write a pro's and con's list a while back... I won't bore you with the details, I will simply say I recall I had something like 5 pro's / 75 con's.

Ummmmm yeah. And I missed what?? Oh yeah....the FANTASY I had.:)

My con list was frighteningly long too. And I had a lot of trouble coming up with any meaningful pros. It was a complete wake-up call - WHY was I holding on to him so tightly? Until I had listed those pros and cons, I never realized how many things about him and our life together were terribly unhealthy - I knew things weren't good, but I didn't realize how bad it was. I kept that list, by the way, and once in a while, I'll yank it out and read it. And to this day, there are more cons that I mentally add to that list.
Counselling has helped immeasurably. I don't know where I'd be today without it.

Pelican wrote:

beautiful. I love it.

Thumper wrote:

hear, here!

Just a few comments - about the kids - two years after D my first husband with whom I have two kids - the kids thanked me for the following:
1) putting a stop to the arguing, 2) giving them a healthier role model to live by, and 3) showing them that they have alternatives in life.

Like others who have responded - Loving someone can mean doing things we don't usually think - like letting go, taking care of ourselves, and a allowing them to experience the consequences of their behavior so that they can change if they want to.

This to me is one of the worst things about being with an alcoholic, and deserves top billing. In some ways it is more damaging than physical abuse. I can still, in a fit of self-pity and "why me?", replay the things my alcoholic ex(s) have said to me...it is something I struggle with often.

I can second that, my alcoholic ex was "sober" 3 years this April and at times I just wanted to hand him a drink...because he was almost worse than when drinking. As a sober alcoholic he became more successful in his flirtations with women and did not hide that from me, and that was a terrible thing to have to witness. That and the name calling and the judgments against me, defining me, I'm a terrible person blah blah blah. He used his program to put me down, telling me I wasn't recovered enough, etc. Funny thing...the stronger my recovery in Al Anon the less I wanted to be with him...