Sad Newbie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Baltimore
Posts: 11
Sad Newbie
I was doing lots of Google research on alcoholism, Al Anon, codependency and I stumbled on this site. I read a post by someone who said she needed to leave but wasn't sure how and she listed all the reasons why she feels the need to leave and I thought "oh my god that's me" and "if she was my friend I'd tell her to get out". That made me realize that I really do need to leave and that I'll be doing the right thing.
It's so terribly hard and I love him so much but at the end of the day I don't love the behavior and I have to do what is best for me. Plus I don't love the person I have become with him and I think that is what bothers me most. I've missed out on family events because he says he has to go to a party, I spend many a weekend sunny day by myself because he can't get out of bed, I have made excuses for his drinking when he's drunk and the day after. What I really hate is that sometimes I drink more because I feel that if I can't drive he won't drink nearly as much. Wrong I know.
I've been out of town on the west coast all week and I'm currently on the red eye to a morning meeting on the east coast and then home on Friday afternoon. Typically I'm happy to arrive home but this time I don't want to go back because I don't want to deal with a drunken weekend. I'll be completely exhaused when I get home and he'll want to party and not understand why I just want to go home and relax.
I also don't get how I became this person. I have a great job, a good support group of friends and family, I can easily support myself and I think that I'm a good person. I use to be able to stand up for myself and lately I've noticed that I don't do that anymore. I simply don't say anything to avoid an argument and move on. What happened to the person I used to be?
Well thanks for letting me get a little long winded. I'm looking forward to taking back my life. It won't be easy but I'm willing to try.
It's so terribly hard and I love him so much but at the end of the day I don't love the behavior and I have to do what is best for me. Plus I don't love the person I have become with him and I think that is what bothers me most. I've missed out on family events because he says he has to go to a party, I spend many a weekend sunny day by myself because he can't get out of bed, I have made excuses for his drinking when he's drunk and the day after. What I really hate is that sometimes I drink more because I feel that if I can't drive he won't drink nearly as much. Wrong I know.
I've been out of town on the west coast all week and I'm currently on the red eye to a morning meeting on the east coast and then home on Friday afternoon. Typically I'm happy to arrive home but this time I don't want to go back because I don't want to deal with a drunken weekend. I'll be completely exhaused when I get home and he'll want to party and not understand why I just want to go home and relax.
I also don't get how I became this person. I have a great job, a good support group of friends and family, I can easily support myself and I think that I'm a good person. I use to be able to stand up for myself and lately I've noticed that I don't do that anymore. I simply don't say anything to avoid an argument and move on. What happened to the person I used to be?
Well thanks for letting me get a little long winded. I'm looking forward to taking back my life. It won't be easy but I'm willing to try.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Hi HRB, and WELCOME TO SR!! I'm so very glad you found this place and its wonderfully supportive people. I'm sure more people will be along shortly to welcome you and offer you some ESH (experience, strength and hope).
From reading your post, I'd say that everything you're thinking and feeling and doing is completely "normal" considering the situation you are in. I remember trying to drink as much or more than my AH (alcoholic husband), in the hopes of getting him to slow down. I remember yelling, begging, crying, manipulating, controlling, despairing, raging, blaming him, blaming myself, shutting up so as to avoid any argument...
If you keep reading stories here on SR, you'll see yourself in many of them, so just know you're not alone.
Let me post for you the 3 C's of addiction, in case you don't know them:
You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CURE it
You can't CONTROL it
Seeing as your partner's addiction isn't your fault and that you simply cannot do or say anything that will make him change, it's best to step away, detach as much as possible and just focus on YOU!
Have you considered going to an Al-Anon meeting to get some support?
I hope you keep posting and reading. SR is a wonderful place.
From reading your post, I'd say that everything you're thinking and feeling and doing is completely "normal" considering the situation you are in. I remember trying to drink as much or more than my AH (alcoholic husband), in the hopes of getting him to slow down. I remember yelling, begging, crying, manipulating, controlling, despairing, raging, blaming him, blaming myself, shutting up so as to avoid any argument...
If you keep reading stories here on SR, you'll see yourself in many of them, so just know you're not alone.
Let me post for you the 3 C's of addiction, in case you don't know them:
You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CURE it
You can't CONTROL it
Seeing as your partner's addiction isn't your fault and that you simply cannot do or say anything that will make him change, it's best to step away, detach as much as possible and just focus on YOU!
Have you considered going to an Al-Anon meeting to get some support?
I hope you keep posting and reading. SR is a wonderful place.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the Sober Recovery Family!
We're glad you found us. You will find lots of information and support for yourself here. I recommend the menu at the top of this forum. They are permanent posts (stickies) that contain some of our stories and loads of wisdom!
One of the first lessons I had to learn about alcoholism was the three C's:
I did not cause it,
I can not control it,
I will not cure it.
The responsibility to control alcoholism belongs to the adult with the addiciton. The family of the alcoholic is responsible for learning to take better care of themselves. We call it keeping our side of the street clean (while allowing the alcoholic to take care of their side).
I am a double winner. I am a recovering alcoholic and a recovering (ex)spouse of an alcoholic. I am also recovering from my codependency issues. My codie behaviors have affected my personal relationships, emotional health and business relationships. I was a hot mess!
In my marriage, my husband liked to drink and hang out his idea of the elite crowd. I noticed how the elite crowd loved to flirt and laugh with the drunk women, so I became one too! I still didn't have all my husbands attention. I now know that the elite crowd was a bunch of drunks behaving badly. I now know that the only thing we all really cared about was our next drink. Alcohol had become our common denominator, and we couldn't loose the connection! I lived in fear of sobriety.
I am now sober and working on taking better care of myself. I have found that I am important. My life matters. My happiness matters. My comfort matters. My needs matter.
I have gotten support here at SR, in Alanon meetings, and with others. Please keep reaching out for support for yourself. You are worth the effort!
We're glad you found us. You will find lots of information and support for yourself here. I recommend the menu at the top of this forum. They are permanent posts (stickies) that contain some of our stories and loads of wisdom!
One of the first lessons I had to learn about alcoholism was the three C's:
I did not cause it,
I can not control it,
I will not cure it.
The responsibility to control alcoholism belongs to the adult with the addiciton. The family of the alcoholic is responsible for learning to take better care of themselves. We call it keeping our side of the street clean (while allowing the alcoholic to take care of their side).
I am a double winner. I am a recovering alcoholic and a recovering (ex)spouse of an alcoholic. I am also recovering from my codependency issues. My codie behaviors have affected my personal relationships, emotional health and business relationships. I was a hot mess!
In my marriage, my husband liked to drink and hang out his idea of the elite crowd. I noticed how the elite crowd loved to flirt and laugh with the drunk women, so I became one too! I still didn't have all my husbands attention. I now know that the elite crowd was a bunch of drunks behaving badly. I now know that the only thing we all really cared about was our next drink. Alcohol had become our common denominator, and we couldn't loose the connection! I lived in fear of sobriety.
I am now sober and working on taking better care of myself. I have found that I am important. My life matters. My happiness matters. My comfort matters. My needs matter.
I have gotten support here at SR, in Alanon meetings, and with others. Please keep reaching out for support for yourself. You are worth the effort!
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
I'd second the suggestion to have a read through the stickied posts at the top of the forum - there is a huge amount of information and wisdom there! I couldn't beleive just how often my own situation was mirrored there.
I'd also recommend getting a copy of Melody Beattie's Co-dependant No More. This book helped me in so many ways, and still does!
This forum has given me support, comfort and a kick in the behind when I needed it. I hope you find what you need here too.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
Welcome HRB. Keep us posted on your road to recovery! I'm very excited for you. I know that "excited" seem like kind of a weird word for such a seemingly somber occasion (you ending a relationship), but it IS exciting getting your life back, getting YOU back. You're ending a relationship that is emotionally unhealthy to open your life up to healthy relationships. It's a tough road for a little while, but it gets a lot better really fast.
From my experience, my best advice to you would be, don't have any contact with him once you break it off. At least for a while, until you feel that you're stronger. He's probably going to do a lot of crazy manipulative (seemingly romantic) stuff to keep you there.
Keep us posted during your journey. There are so many wise and wonderful people here to support you along the way.
From my experience, my best advice to you would be, don't have any contact with him once you break it off. At least for a while, until you feel that you're stronger. He's probably going to do a lot of crazy manipulative (seemingly romantic) stuff to keep you there.
Keep us posted during your journey. There are so many wise and wonderful people here to support you along the way.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Welcome to you, HRB.
Quote from HRB (( I also don't get how I became this person. I have a great job, a good support group of friends and family, I can easily support myself and I think that I'm a good person. I use to be able to stand up for myself and lately I've noticed that I don't do that anymore. I simply don't say anything to avoid an argument and move on. What happened to the person I used to be?))
Many of us ended up wondering how and why they had changed, and where had "they" gone. I did that, fortunately not for very long, but losing yourself is no fun.
The person you used to be is still there. You, and your needs, wants and life, have been covered over, buried under the heap of rubbish left from dealing with an active and volatile alcoholic. It won't get any better, but oh boy, can it ever get worse.
You have taken more than 1 step to regaining yourself and the right to have the life you want, and those steps are:
1. Recognised that there was a problem with the drinking.
2. Realised that you needed to get away from it.
3. Looked for information and help, and found SR.
4. Asked for advice and help.
How's that for action? You have taken 4 steps already, in this walk to freedom.
You are fortunate to have friends and family still around for support, as lots of us had either lost our friends and family because of our A's behavior, or we hid the mess we were in and avoided them.
Use everything you have to help you: family, friends, your job, SR forums, reading for understanding, Alanon for great info, face to face support and friendship.
Think over what you can do, want to do and need to do, then make your plans for moving away from living his party life and living yours.
When you have all the necessary boxes ticked, then you know that you are ready to let go of the chaos of living with an A, and get back your peace of mind and the "you" that is hiding at the moment.
As KeepPedaling says....watch out for the manipulation, the "I will change , quit, whatever" promises, the romantic bits to suck you in again, and also the anger and accusations that can erupt from a thwarted alcoholic, and just keep taking those steps, one by one.
Please keep posting here, so we can support and encourage you thru it all.
God bless
Quote from HRB (( I also don't get how I became this person. I have a great job, a good support group of friends and family, I can easily support myself and I think that I'm a good person. I use to be able to stand up for myself and lately I've noticed that I don't do that anymore. I simply don't say anything to avoid an argument and move on. What happened to the person I used to be?))
Many of us ended up wondering how and why they had changed, and where had "they" gone. I did that, fortunately not for very long, but losing yourself is no fun.
The person you used to be is still there. You, and your needs, wants and life, have been covered over, buried under the heap of rubbish left from dealing with an active and volatile alcoholic. It won't get any better, but oh boy, can it ever get worse.
You have taken more than 1 step to regaining yourself and the right to have the life you want, and those steps are:
1. Recognised that there was a problem with the drinking.
2. Realised that you needed to get away from it.
3. Looked for information and help, and found SR.
4. Asked for advice and help.
How's that for action? You have taken 4 steps already, in this walk to freedom.
You are fortunate to have friends and family still around for support, as lots of us had either lost our friends and family because of our A's behavior, or we hid the mess we were in and avoided them.
Use everything you have to help you: family, friends, your job, SR forums, reading for understanding, Alanon for great info, face to face support and friendship.
Think over what you can do, want to do and need to do, then make your plans for moving away from living his party life and living yours.
When you have all the necessary boxes ticked, then you know that you are ready to let go of the chaos of living with an A, and get back your peace of mind and the "you" that is hiding at the moment.
As KeepPedaling says....watch out for the manipulation, the "I will change , quit, whatever" promises, the romantic bits to suck you in again, and also the anger and accusations that can erupt from a thwarted alcoholic, and just keep taking those steps, one by one.
Please keep posting here, so we can support and encourage you thru it all.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
One day at a time is easiest for me. I wake up with hope for just today and know can get through that day! I am going on 1 week of AH being gone. Not easy - but I see the old Sue coming back- No anger - no craziness - just happpiness, love and goodness! Life is good - You can do this!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Baltimore
Posts: 11
Thanks everyone for the encouragement! I really appreciate it. today I typically transfer money to our joint account (a set amount) to cover monthly bills. Today he asked me to transfer more money because he said he didn't have it to cover his share. Of course not because he spent it all weekend out drinking. I have my own bills in addition to our joint. I asked if he'd "credit me" the overage for next month. He acutally said "You're kidding, right?" No I'm not kidding. I'm not your ATM. I'd be more than happy to contribute more if it was because his company wasn't doing well because of the economy (or whatever legit reason) but if you can't meet your bills this month because you've been drinking or can't get out of bed to work I shouldn't be expected to help out.
I'm checking out a house this weekend. (the house we live in is his. I have my own in another state which is rented. I moved to be with him) I'm rather excited as I hear it is very cute and charming complete with a pool and fenced yard for my dogs. I'm kind of excited to be me again.
I actually talked to his sister about this last weekend and before I even said something she looked at me and said "you aren't happy because of the parties". She knew just by looking at me. She totally thinks he needs help but she did say she didn't think he'd be willing to get it even if it means losing me. That hurts but I have come to understand that I can't fault him because it isn't the person I love making that decision it is the alcoholism.
I'm very happy that I found this site.
I'm checking out a house this weekend. (the house we live in is his. I have my own in another state which is rented. I moved to be with him) I'm rather excited as I hear it is very cute and charming complete with a pool and fenced yard for my dogs. I'm kind of excited to be me again.
I actually talked to his sister about this last weekend and before I even said something she looked at me and said "you aren't happy because of the parties". She knew just by looking at me. She totally thinks he needs help but she did say she didn't think he'd be willing to get it even if it means losing me. That hurts but I have come to understand that I can't fault him because it isn't the person I love making that decision it is the alcoholism.
I'm very happy that I found this site.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Baltimore
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by Redheadsusie 
One day at a time is easiest for me. I wake up with hope for just today and know can get through that day! I am going on 1 week of AH being gone. Not easy - but I see the old Sue coming back- No anger - no craziness - just happpiness, love and goodness! Life is good - You can do this!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I hope you are able to detach with love from your A this weekend. It is difficult to be in the home while they are actively drinking. It helped me to have a plan B if the drinking or mood got out of hand. Plan B for me was cash (hidden), cellphone and a motel room. I also started making a Plan B for social events. We planned to attend together, but I was always prepared to go alone. I also took my own car so that I could leave when I was ready.
Have you considered closing your joint account? I closed ours (married 14 years) because I was the primary Social Security Number on the joint account. The bank would hold me responsible for overdrafts.
I also recommend getting a safe deposit box (or a bigger one) to store important papers and items of value.
Active alcoholics are capable of extreme behavior when they are loosing their cushion (enabler). The will say and do anything to keep the same ole, same ole. Please be prepared for the worst, but hope for the best!
We're here to support you. One Day at a Time!
Have you considered closing your joint account? I closed ours (married 14 years) because I was the primary Social Security Number on the joint account. The bank would hold me responsible for overdrafts.
I also recommend getting a safe deposit box (or a bigger one) to store important papers and items of value.
Active alcoholics are capable of extreme behavior when they are loosing their cushion (enabler). The will say and do anything to keep the same ole, same ole. Please be prepared for the worst, but hope for the best!
We're here to support you. One Day at a Time!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 132
Time and time again, as I read posts by other members, I'd utterly floored at how similar our stories are. It feels so good to know that others have been through what I'm going through and have made it out - healthier, wiser and happier. That's my goal, too.
Thanks to everyone for your posts! It's so helpful to know that we're not alone as we turn our lives around.
Thanks to everyone for your posts! It's so helpful to know that we're not alone as we turn our lives around.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Baltimore
Posts: 11
So I believe I have found a house. I'll know for sure in a few weeks. I'm having the conversation with him tomorrow or Friday. I've been out of town last week and the last 2 days for work.
I tried really hard to have a good weekend this past weekend. I got home from being away on Friday and we went for sushi and he didn't drink at all. We had a pretty nice time. On Sat night we went for dinner and then to his favorite bar where I didn't drink at all knowing I had to be the one to drive. In the car on the way home we got in a fight and he actually said "move out". I pretended I didn't hear so he would have to repeat it. He wouldn't. I think he might have a clue what's coming. Between that comment and other things he's been saying, although maybe I'm just reading into it.
One of his life long friends died this weekend.(heart attack) Apparently he was an alcoholic. Boyfriend has made quite a few comments about this person's drinking and life style. I mentioned that one doesn't have to drink everyday to be an alcoholic. He got mad so I know it hit a sore spot.
I talked briefly to his daughter on Monday this week and she said she fears her dad is the next to die. I told her that I had just about had it and can't do it anymore and she seemed to understand. She's older and out of the house so I'm not worried about her.
I still know it's the best thing to do, it just hurts.
I tried really hard to have a good weekend this past weekend. I got home from being away on Friday and we went for sushi and he didn't drink at all. We had a pretty nice time. On Sat night we went for dinner and then to his favorite bar where I didn't drink at all knowing I had to be the one to drive. In the car on the way home we got in a fight and he actually said "move out". I pretended I didn't hear so he would have to repeat it. He wouldn't. I think he might have a clue what's coming. Between that comment and other things he's been saying, although maybe I'm just reading into it.
One of his life long friends died this weekend.(heart attack) Apparently he was an alcoholic. Boyfriend has made quite a few comments about this person's drinking and life style. I mentioned that one doesn't have to drink everyday to be an alcoholic. He got mad so I know it hit a sore spot.
I talked briefly to his daughter on Monday this week and she said she fears her dad is the next to die. I told her that I had just about had it and can't do it anymore and she seemed to understand. She's older and out of the house so I'm not worried about her.
I still know it's the best thing to do, it just hurts.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Erie, Pa.
Posts: 91
Wish I had your courage.
You posted:
I tried really hard to have a good weekend this past weekend. I got home from being away on Friday and we went for sushi and he didn't drink at all. We had a pretty nice time. On Sat night we went for dinner and then to his favorite bar where I didn't drink at all knowing I had to be the one to drive. In the car on the way home we got in a fight and he actually said "move out". I pretended I didn't hear so he would have to repeat it. He wouldn't. I think he might have a clue what's coming. Between that comment and other things he's been saying, although maybe I'm just reading into it.
You mentioned you had told his sister ( ? ) you intended on moving out. (I could be wrong, but it was one of his family members, before his friend died and you talked with his daughter) Anyway, it made me think of when I would get fed up with my b/f's drinking and said ANYTHING to him (or ESPECIALLY any of his family members - because THEY were NOT drunk when I said it, and they made sure HE was not drunk when they repeated it) and then that day, the next few days, maybe even a weekend seems ok, maybe with him not even drinking at all. Don't be fooled into thinking THIS was an ordinary weekend for you... you already know in your heart of hearts what an ORDINARY weekend is like for you both.
Stay strong. I have "the night off" from my cross addicted bf, so I'm able to be online. I'm sad to say I'm wrestling with the same decision... letting go of him completely.... but I have a thousand excuses why I shouldn't.
The ONLY reason that I should is so I get back to my normal self. I, like you said, also don't like the person I've become. For some reason, I don't feel that that simple one reason... ME... is worth it anymore. That's the sad truth of codependency. When did I lose my self-worth?
Please keep posting! Stay strong, you are doing what I need to but I'm not ready. I'm hoping to be ready by reading posts such as yours! I, too, bought the book, "Codependent No More" and not even ready to start reading it. It's very sad to break off a relationship, but YOU ARE DOING WHAT I WISH I COULD!
Good luck to you... ALWAYS!
I tried really hard to have a good weekend this past weekend. I got home from being away on Friday and we went for sushi and he didn't drink at all. We had a pretty nice time. On Sat night we went for dinner and then to his favorite bar where I didn't drink at all knowing I had to be the one to drive. In the car on the way home we got in a fight and he actually said "move out". I pretended I didn't hear so he would have to repeat it. He wouldn't. I think he might have a clue what's coming. Between that comment and other things he's been saying, although maybe I'm just reading into it.
You mentioned you had told his sister ( ? ) you intended on moving out. (I could be wrong, but it was one of his family members, before his friend died and you talked with his daughter) Anyway, it made me think of when I would get fed up with my b/f's drinking and said ANYTHING to him (or ESPECIALLY any of his family members - because THEY were NOT drunk when I said it, and they made sure HE was not drunk when they repeated it) and then that day, the next few days, maybe even a weekend seems ok, maybe with him not even drinking at all. Don't be fooled into thinking THIS was an ordinary weekend for you... you already know in your heart of hearts what an ORDINARY weekend is like for you both.
Stay strong. I have "the night off" from my cross addicted bf, so I'm able to be online. I'm sad to say I'm wrestling with the same decision... letting go of him completely.... but I have a thousand excuses why I shouldn't.
The ONLY reason that I should is so I get back to my normal self. I, like you said, also don't like the person I've become. For some reason, I don't feel that that simple one reason... ME... is worth it anymore. That's the sad truth of codependency. When did I lose my self-worth?
Please keep posting! Stay strong, you are doing what I need to but I'm not ready. I'm hoping to be ready by reading posts such as yours! I, too, bought the book, "Codependent No More" and not even ready to start reading it. It's very sad to break off a relationship, but YOU ARE DOING WHAT I WISH I COULD!
Good luck to you... ALWAYS!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Baltimore
Posts: 11
Thanks SecretLife! It is hard and sometimes I'm not sure if I can go through with it. The more research I do and the more I hear from people that it's the right thing to do the better I feel about it. Oddly my vet the other day mentioned her father is an alcoholic and when she started talking about it I was like "me too! Me too! Him too!" She looked at me and in her standard pull no punches tone she said "leave him while you can" She's so right.
Yes I did talk to his sister and I'm almost 100% sure she didn't tell him because they aren't very close and really if she did I'm ok with it. (Maybe that's why I said something to her in a moment of passive-aggressiveness) She even offered me a place to live until I found something of my own but I really don't want to get in the middle of family.
You gave me great advice-"Stay strong" "keep posting". Listen to your own advice. You can do it!!!!
Yes I did talk to his sister and I'm almost 100% sure she didn't tell him because they aren't very close and really if she did I'm ok with it. (Maybe that's why I said something to her in a moment of passive-aggressiveness) She even offered me a place to live until I found something of my own but I really don't want to get in the middle of family.
You gave me great advice-"Stay strong" "keep posting". Listen to your own advice. You can do it!!!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Erie, Pa.
Posts: 91
Hi, HRB!
I guess hindsight is 20/20! That's why it seems good advice (for me) to give you, but I can't use this advice in my own life, well, not yet, anyway.
I posted a new post this morning at my own thread. If you are interested, my new 20/20 vision kicked in on really WHY I think I still stay with my AXBF. My whole story is there..... warning, it's long..... but even if you just read my last post, or last 2 or 3, you'll see where I'm at. Another member started my thread, entitled, "Please help me Welcome Secret Life" after only one day of being here. I love my family here! And am so grateful to read, post, help if I can, and take what I need.... it's AWESOME here!
Keep posting, keep reading.
I'll do the same!
HUGS,
Kim
I posted a new post this morning at my own thread. If you are interested, my new 20/20 vision kicked in on really WHY I think I still stay with my AXBF. My whole story is there..... warning, it's long..... but even if you just read my last post, or last 2 or 3, you'll see where I'm at. Another member started my thread, entitled, "Please help me Welcome Secret Life" after only one day of being here. I love my family here! And am so grateful to read, post, help if I can, and take what I need.... it's AWESOME here!
Keep posting, keep reading.
I'll do the same!
HUGS,
Kim
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Baltimore
Posts: 11
Tonight was going to be the night I talked to him. He's just leaving the office (it's 7:20pm here). I know when he gets home he is going to be tired and cranky. Usually he works from home but today was his once a week in the office. I know I have to do it tonight because if I whimp out I won't do it over the weekend. 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
HRB,
I'm sending you all kinds of support for you to do whatever it is that you need to do for yourself. If your A is anything like my exA (and the A's in the lives of so many people's stories I have read here), he will NOT be looking out for you. He will be working very hard to manipulate you back into the dynamics of this relationship.
I broke up with my exA 2 weeks ago. Earlier this week I was having a difficult moment and was on the way to see my doc when I passed my exA's car. It shook me up a little bit, and when I was telling my doc I recently ended a relationship due to alcoholism and the need to choose something different for myself she shared HER story of being with an A for 20 years! She said, "I want to congratulate you on the wisdom of your decision." Wow. It was like she was my angel for the day, I really needed to hear that after seeing my ex's car.
Your vet was your recent angel. Believe her. I was in this relationship for only 10 months (but two other relationships with similar dynamics minus the active drinking for 22 years total) and I see how much work I want to do on myself now, and what I want to choose differently for my future.
Whatever happens tonight, remember that you are moving through a process for yourself and there is no perfect way to do this...be true to yourself and everything else will slide into place. I'm living that reality now and it feels really great--not always comfortable when I'm missing the "good times", but I wouldn't have it any other way. Truly, even though I have my moments of sadness I'm SO much happier now.
Hugs to you,
posie
I'm sending you all kinds of support for you to do whatever it is that you need to do for yourself. If your A is anything like my exA (and the A's in the lives of so many people's stories I have read here), he will NOT be looking out for you. He will be working very hard to manipulate you back into the dynamics of this relationship.
I broke up with my exA 2 weeks ago. Earlier this week I was having a difficult moment and was on the way to see my doc when I passed my exA's car. It shook me up a little bit, and when I was telling my doc I recently ended a relationship due to alcoholism and the need to choose something different for myself she shared HER story of being with an A for 20 years! She said, "I want to congratulate you on the wisdom of your decision." Wow. It was like she was my angel for the day, I really needed to hear that after seeing my ex's car.
Your vet was your recent angel. Believe her. I was in this relationship for only 10 months (but two other relationships with similar dynamics minus the active drinking for 22 years total) and I see how much work I want to do on myself now, and what I want to choose differently for my future.
Whatever happens tonight, remember that you are moving through a process for yourself and there is no perfect way to do this...be true to yourself and everything else will slide into place. I'm living that reality now and it feels really great--not always comfortable when I'm missing the "good times", but I wouldn't have it any other way. Truly, even though I have my moments of sadness I'm SO much happier now.
Hugs to you,
posie
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Erie, Pa.
Posts: 91
Stay strong....!
Hi, HRB. I know you are not looking forward to the talk you have to have tonight, but it seems that you've thought this thru very thoroughly, and searched YOUR soul, and I'm here to say... I'm not sure what's appropriate here.... except to say that you have a community HERE that will stand beside side, love you, be here for you, and PLEASE STAY STRONG!
He will most definitely say/do probably anything you could think of, and also things you may have never dreamed of, to get you to change your mind. This is not my first time around the block with an A... so I feel pretty confident saying that much.
And the plea's to take him back/come home/whatever the case is, may go on for some time. Be prepared to know and accept that, if it happens. The most common thing I've been told is that "it will all stop" just because of this break-up that his facing him. Of course, you pick up your share of the bills, and also have to absorb some of his share sometimes!
Don't for a minute think he never truly cared for you. He most likely did, and still does. To the best of his ability, that is. It ultimately does not change the fact that YOUR life is unmanageable, and you can only fix your own issues. YOUR life has gotten to the point where you need a level of normalcy that this lifestyle does not give you.
Unfortunate, but true.
Unpleasant, for sure.
Painful, H#LL YEAH!
HUGS, and keep posting!
Kim
He will most definitely say/do probably anything you could think of, and also things you may have never dreamed of, to get you to change your mind. This is not my first time around the block with an A... so I feel pretty confident saying that much.
And the plea's to take him back/come home/whatever the case is, may go on for some time. Be prepared to know and accept that, if it happens. The most common thing I've been told is that "it will all stop" just because of this break-up that his facing him. Of course, you pick up your share of the bills, and also have to absorb some of his share sometimes!
Don't for a minute think he never truly cared for you. He most likely did, and still does. To the best of his ability, that is. It ultimately does not change the fact that YOUR life is unmanageable, and you can only fix your own issues. YOUR life has gotten to the point where you need a level of normalcy that this lifestyle does not give you.
Unfortunate, but true.
Unpleasant, for sure.
Painful, H#LL YEAH!
HUGS, and keep posting!
Kim
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