i feel horrible today
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: england
Posts: 162
i feel horrible today
Hi just to let you know i was ghirl and i have now changed to celtic ghirl! (long story) Anyway ive been apart from exabf for 5 weeks now,although he has been up a few times smashing the windows because i finished the relationship,he is due in court next thurs for the windows.H e has also been posting stuff about me on a social networking site,some of it about how he wants to marry me and have kids with me to saying that im dirty and and a druggie and a load more of untrue insults! I have not seen him post anymore on there since yesterday.Today i feel sad that i am constantly checking these sites to see if he has been on there,partly because i want to know what mood he is in as i dont feel safe in my own house anymore afraid that a brick will come through and hit me any moment but also because i miss him and still hope that he might get sober,i try to think of things to do for myself but havent got the motivation and i constantly think about him,i know being with him i am just as unhappy but i miss him.I feel gutted that i cant seem to move on any further.He has changed all the passwords on most of my emails and sites i go on,has repeatedly hurt me and it has affected everyone in my family yet i still have feelings for him and cant imagine being with someone else even though i know he is just and ******** plain and simple.Sometimes i feel good but theres not a day that goes by or maybe even sometimes an hour that i think of him or check the internet.What can i do to get out of this stuck feeling?
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: england
Posts: 162
god i hope so tpen coz this is doing me in,i feel ashamed to say im becoming obsessive.The thing is i didnt really want to finish this relationship but i knew i had to because it wasnt making me feel good but im still not feeling good grrrrrrr! Im sorry to hear your having a bad day,lets hope this does get better xx
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Oh sweets.... so many of us know exactly how you feel.
Today i feel sad that i am constantly checking these sites to see if he has been on there,partly because i want to know what mood he is in as i dont feel safe in my own house anymore afraid that a brick will come through and hit me any moment but also because i miss him and still hope that he might get sober
This sentence really stuck out to me only because of the complete backwardsness (is that even a word!?) of it. Read it again.....
....you want to check on him because you fear for your life, however, you want to check on him because you miss him....
I know you know and understand that thinking is just not healthy.
I know that I certainly went through the periods of checking fb, even the gf's page of my XA just to get a glimpse of their life. And every time I did it was like a rush. My heart would beat fast, my palms would start to sweat, my tummy would jump.
Does this sound like anything familiar? If it does, that's because it is an addiction. We can get addicted to people and situations so easily.
Just like our hope is for them to go to rehab and AA and get sober....we seem to know what they NEED to do to do that. They need to stop drinking!
What about what we NEED to do to get sober from our addiction? We need to stop doing the things that feed the addiction. We go through withdrawals. We feel this pain, so we go back to it, because for that moment it feeds our need.
And we often say "why can't they just stop drinking???" .... well, why can't we just stop looking???
If you REALLY want to get out of the stuck feeling you are going to stop looking at his stuff. That is the first step. Toward the end, before I did it, I would ask myself ..."why am I looking at this? Why am I bringing myself hurt???" I couldn't answer it. But I knew at that time I hadn't had enough.
I have had enough. I do not look any longer. No more days crying on the couch for me. I had to make peace with the reality that my XA was NOT the person who he pretended to be. He was not even my friend, if anything he was a bad bad friend. Truly truly starting to make peace with that reality has allowed me to be able to move on, because what I was holding on to wasn't real. Does that make sense? There is nothing to miss, it was all a fabrication.
This man is your addiction. It is time for you to sober up now. It is time to free yourself from the chains he keeps you in. It takes time, be kind to yourself in the process.
I could not imagine a where I wouldn't have this hurt empty feeling in my stomach, feeling so abandoned and so betrayed. And now that I do not look anymore. I make the conscious effort to NOT invite him into my life, or what he brings into my life. And I don't cry like I used to.
Do you want to stop crying? Really really stop crying?? Then free yourself.
HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today i feel sad that i am constantly checking these sites to see if he has been on there,partly because i want to know what mood he is in as i dont feel safe in my own house anymore afraid that a brick will come through and hit me any moment but also because i miss him and still hope that he might get sober
This sentence really stuck out to me only because of the complete backwardsness (is that even a word!?) of it. Read it again.....
....you want to check on him because you fear for your life, however, you want to check on him because you miss him....
I know you know and understand that thinking is just not healthy.
I know that I certainly went through the periods of checking fb, even the gf's page of my XA just to get a glimpse of their life. And every time I did it was like a rush. My heart would beat fast, my palms would start to sweat, my tummy would jump.
Does this sound like anything familiar? If it does, that's because it is an addiction. We can get addicted to people and situations so easily.
Just like our hope is for them to go to rehab and AA and get sober....we seem to know what they NEED to do to do that. They need to stop drinking!
What about what we NEED to do to get sober from our addiction? We need to stop doing the things that feed the addiction. We go through withdrawals. We feel this pain, so we go back to it, because for that moment it feeds our need.
And we often say "why can't they just stop drinking???" .... well, why can't we just stop looking???
If you REALLY want to get out of the stuck feeling you are going to stop looking at his stuff. That is the first step. Toward the end, before I did it, I would ask myself ..."why am I looking at this? Why am I bringing myself hurt???" I couldn't answer it. But I knew at that time I hadn't had enough.
I have had enough. I do not look any longer. No more days crying on the couch for me. I had to make peace with the reality that my XA was NOT the person who he pretended to be. He was not even my friend, if anything he was a bad bad friend. Truly truly starting to make peace with that reality has allowed me to be able to move on, because what I was holding on to wasn't real. Does that make sense? There is nothing to miss, it was all a fabrication.
This man is your addiction. It is time for you to sober up now. It is time to free yourself from the chains he keeps you in. It takes time, be kind to yourself in the process.
I could not imagine a where I wouldn't have this hurt empty feeling in my stomach, feeling so abandoned and so betrayed. And now that I do not look anymore. I make the conscious effort to NOT invite him into my life, or what he brings into my life. And I don't cry like I used to.
Do you want to stop crying? Really really stop crying?? Then free yourself.
HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: england
Posts: 162
Thankyou, i cried when i read that because its so true i am addicted to him,i have read up on it and i show the classic signs.Does it ever end? I know i need to stop looking because it is bringing me more pain and keeping me attached to him. I hope i feel better tomorrow. Thankyou for your post it meant alot xx
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Yes, it does end. I promise it ends. But it only ends when we start to make the changes necessary to bring us to that end.
I spend a lot of time at Barnes N Noble, I picked up a book the other day about Love Addicts. And man, I think I checked 99 out of 100 boxes on their for love addict behavior! Now, do I know if I am a diagnosable love addict? I don't think so, my therapist doesn't think so. But I found a lot of what was in the book helpful because it gives tools and steps on how to remove ourselves from unheathly situations and maybe why we are drawn to these situations.
Everyone raves about the Melody Beattie collection of books as well which really are fabulous!
I would start to direct that energy that you are spending on him, and try and redirect it to picking up some books and reading them.
I'm sure you come here to read and learn and in the process the things you read bring you a sense of comfort, and quite often, I know for me, when I was feeling at my lowest, I would feel stronger after reading the things here. There are certain highs and lows.
You will get the same comfort from books. They will help you understand, and help you through tough times.
And I don't recall your whole story, but are you in counseling? Seeing a counselor was one of the best things I could have done this year.
Like I said, be patient and kind with yourself. You are so much stronger than you think you are. THAT I can promise you.
I spend a lot of time at Barnes N Noble, I picked up a book the other day about Love Addicts. And man, I think I checked 99 out of 100 boxes on their for love addict behavior! Now, do I know if I am a diagnosable love addict? I don't think so, my therapist doesn't think so. But I found a lot of what was in the book helpful because it gives tools and steps on how to remove ourselves from unheathly situations and maybe why we are drawn to these situations.
Everyone raves about the Melody Beattie collection of books as well which really are fabulous!
I would start to direct that energy that you are spending on him, and try and redirect it to picking up some books and reading them.
I'm sure you come here to read and learn and in the process the things you read bring you a sense of comfort, and quite often, I know for me, when I was feeling at my lowest, I would feel stronger after reading the things here. There are certain highs and lows.
You will get the same comfort from books. They will help you understand, and help you through tough times.
And I don't recall your whole story, but are you in counseling? Seeing a counselor was one of the best things I could have done this year.
Like I said, be patient and kind with yourself. You are so much stronger than you think you are. THAT I can promise you.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
And btw.... I just want you to know, that I can finally say that I am SO HAPPY that I am removed from the emotional rollercoaster, from the one sided friendship, from wondering if he was actually going to spend time with me when he said he was going to, from hearing him pass out on the phone after hours of talking while he was drinking, from the lies that I now know, from the passive aggressive behavior, the emotional abuse, the mixed signals, and especially the LONELINESS that came from having him in my life.
Celticghirl, you will be happy too.....another promise I will make to you!
Celticghirl, you will be happy too.....another promise I will make to you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: england
Posts: 162
Thankyou kitty boo,im gonna make a pact to myself not to check his crap from the minute i wake up tomorrow and im waiting to hear from a woman regarding counselling long waiting list,i know it takes time and effort and i will have good and bad days i'spose i need to just take each day as it comes and work on not looking at the things that keep me stuck. 
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
Sometimes it takes something bigger to get one unstuck. Perhaps for you, sadly, it may be a real close encounter with one of those bricks. A few years back, I had a "life flashing before my eyes moment" which woke me up but good. It was the clarity I needed to move forward. But, you don't need to let it get to that point if you can sort out your feelings and gain some conviction. Make a list. Positive and negative about him. Get yourself two full pieces of paper, and start at the top on each one. You don't have to get it completed in one sitting, take days if you need to. When you are done, file it away in a place where you can refer to it. Then, the next time there is another day when you "feel horrible" - take it out and read them both. It helps you to make a decision that you are having problems achieving at this point.
The fear of the unknown/future often actually holds us back, but having some clarity on the past can really help you take that first step.
The more steps you take, the easier it gets.
The fear of the unknown/future often actually holds us back, but having some clarity on the past can really help you take that first step.
The more steps you take, the easier it gets.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
celtic, tpen and everyone that is "fresh" in the withdrawal of No Contact
If I could feel better BELIEVE ME YOU CAN DO IT TOO!
I spent months crying but slowly life started to grow on me again and now I feel much stronger.
I also happen to be around ex often because we work on the same company, same floor, same area and same account, moreover its a small town really so its all "very close".
Its been a year and a half and I still overhear him talk about drinks and get superdrunk and basically there is nothing else of interest in this world but alcohol for him. Nothing has been learned. Or more like, many things were denied and are still denied.
So, its like another poster said.. they just do what they do, be cruel, drink, become abusive and use people as objects. The only difference is that some still stay at home worrying and being sad - while many others are no longer there waiting for a miracle and sleep better.
As LTD says, probably they had good qualities, EVERYONE has good qualities. Once one starts taking them off the pedestal it becomes more clear...but it takes time and effort and introspection....
I of course am not where I want to be yet but thanks to the site I know its possible... here we see the past, the present and the future, and you know most of the people here which seem to enjoy life more and in a good mood often, are the ones who have suffered most and in many times much worse situations like mine. I try to learn from them.
There is an abundance of joy and beauty that its incredible we don't see it.. the good thing is that these feelings pass, too... and you'll be back to yourselves again only wiser, stronger.. of course if you keep NO CONTACT.
Been here a little bit more time than you, here in SR.. theones who break NO CONTACT come back days, weeks, months, or even years later more destroyed than before and feeling much worse. I also came back after trying to "fix things". There's just more pain in there as many here know.
Go No contact. Its good for your skin and overall health.
Keep No contact. Its good for your soul
it gets much better. 
If I could feel better BELIEVE ME YOU CAN DO IT TOO!
I spent months crying but slowly life started to grow on me again and now I feel much stronger.
I also happen to be around ex often because we work on the same company, same floor, same area and same account, moreover its a small town really so its all "very close".
Its been a year and a half and I still overhear him talk about drinks and get superdrunk and basically there is nothing else of interest in this world but alcohol for him. Nothing has been learned. Or more like, many things were denied and are still denied.
So, its like another poster said.. they just do what they do, be cruel, drink, become abusive and use people as objects. The only difference is that some still stay at home worrying and being sad - while many others are no longer there waiting for a miracle and sleep better.
As LTD says, probably they had good qualities, EVERYONE has good qualities. Once one starts taking them off the pedestal it becomes more clear...but it takes time and effort and introspection....
I of course am not where I want to be yet but thanks to the site I know its possible... here we see the past, the present and the future, and you know most of the people here which seem to enjoy life more and in a good mood often, are the ones who have suffered most and in many times much worse situations like mine. I try to learn from them.
There is an abundance of joy and beauty that its incredible we don't see it.. the good thing is that these feelings pass, too... and you'll be back to yourselves again only wiser, stronger.. of course if you keep NO CONTACT.
Been here a little bit more time than you, here in SR.. theones who break NO CONTACT come back days, weeks, months, or even years later more destroyed than before and feeling much worse. I also came back after trying to "fix things". There's just more pain in there as many here know.
Go No contact. Its good for your skin and overall health.
Keep No contact. Its good for your soul
it gets much better. Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Totally agree with you TC.
Be like in AA, take it 1 day, 1 hour, even 1 minute at a time....if that is what you need.
Maybe he will go away, after the court case...anyway, can you ask for an order so he not be anywhere near your place....if he breaks the order...he goes to jail.
Abusive and violent drinkers do not suddenly turn into normal, they just get more abusive and violent, and people sometimes are killed.
Look at his actions and keep reminding yourself, til you feel strong enough to look at him no more.
God bless
Be like in AA, take it 1 day, 1 hour, even 1 minute at a time....if that is what you need.
Maybe he will go away, after the court case...anyway, can you ask for an order so he not be anywhere near your place....if he breaks the order...he goes to jail.
Abusive and violent drinkers do not suddenly turn into normal, they just get more abusive and violent, and people sometimes are killed.
Look at his actions and keep reminding yourself, til you feel strong enough to look at him no more.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: england UK
Posts: 34
I am in exactly the same boat, my ex left 5 weeks ago, i do the same things for the same reasons, i am so ashamed and do realize its obsessive and why would i have stayed with him for 15years if i hadn't been addicted to him. i have to say it was talking about him to the solicitor when i realized it was embarassing to have to admit i had loved him so much for so long. when what had he given me, not alot, he had used me and then shouted abuse at me. I should be glad hes gone, i am trying but at the moment i feel so depressed.
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