nodaybut2day

Ok, let's break this all down:

Let me refer you to my *favourite* Classic reading sticky: the Excuses Alcoholics Make
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...lics-make.html

Recognize anything?

After a while, all the crap that comes out of an alcoholic's mouth is just quacking (now where is that duck picture?).

Be disappointed if you like, but honestly, you have every right to be furious at this "man". However, since yelling at him obviously had no effect whatsoever, perhaps you can find a more constructive way to vent out all that frustration? Perhaps tape a picture of him to a pillow and go to town??

Perhaps now you do. You'll find you waver back and forth for a long while. That's ok though!

Because today, right now, booze is his priority. Not you, not his children, not anything else but the booze. And no one can change that but him. So you might as well stop expecting him to change *for you* and focus on yourself.

Of course you'll miss him. He's been in your life for some time now. But I can bet that there are a TON of things about him you won't miss...Also, do you really do everything together these days, with him being blotto all the time?

That's the ticket...how about making a long list of things you can do when you're free of this madness? Mine helped me A LOT.

Probably, both for you and for him, but change always does hurt a bit, doesn't it? And, had he not made the choices he made, you wouldn't be leaving him. His choice, his consequences to deal with. Not your problem.

Becki, we're all here to learn something, and obviously we wouldn't learn jack if things didn't hurt us to the utmost. So yes, it would be great if you could cut and paste him out of your life onto some blank sheet someplace else, but you wouldn't have found SR and you wouldn't be on your way to starting a new life!

I often used to wish this, because I was terrified of doning the B*tch Mantle, or of being the Bad Guy. Leaving my XAH meant owning up to what I wanted: happiness, peace, a life AWAY from him. I found that very hard. Eventually though, I started to realize that he and I were "meant to be", that it would happen with or without my help. I gave up the notion that I was in control and gave it up to my Higher Power. Guess what? My HP lead me away from the man I married into a saner happier life.

I hope you keep posting and posting and posting...we all want to know how you're doing!

Hammerhead

He's not ready to change.

Because he chooses to "sleep" on the couch


How about picking YOURSELF up when YOU'RE down.


Consider the trade-off... there might be a lot of things you WON'T miss about him.


Good idea. I'll take two of everything <wink>


As it should be.


It's gonna feel really good too.... think of the peace, tranquility and predictability you'll have.... all to yourself.


True... but it DOES get better.

If he left you wouldn't be "better off"... your story would be "he left me"... try this instead... As of today I'm taking responsibility for my own happiness and future.


Only YOU can change this.... as Anvil so eloquently states... "nothing changes if nothing changes."

Take care.

Becki67

You're awesome, nodaybut2day! I'll actually post my list on here in a separate post so that you all can remind me of those things when I flake and falter.

I'm planning on attending my first al-anon meeting on Tuesday evening. I told him last night that I was going to start going....he looked surprised and then just nodded. Kind of resigned and sad.

MsPINKAcres

Becki - i hate you had another horrid nite - i remember those nites - they were long, miserable and lonely. What I was told by my program of recovery, my SR family and other al-anon friends -

If I want something different, I have to be willing to do something different.

I learned that I would be better off talking to the Pine Trees in my yard rather than talking to someone that has been drinking/using. So I used the tools of the program - journaled, called a friend, prayed and read recovery literature - I tried something different.
Didn't help the A's in my life - but it sure helped me keep my sanity and serenity!

HUGS to you,
Rita

coffeedrinker

"How can I kick him when he's apparently down?"

That's a really hard one for me as well. I think every one of us have done the "waiting for a better time" to address sensitive topics, give bad news, etc. I just started forcing myself to say what I needed to say, no matter what might be going on in his life (with minor exceptions, like a job loss or something). It's a learning process, like everything. Ask yourself this: when is he not gonna be down?

"If he left you wouldn't be "better off"... your story would be "he left me"... try this instead... As of today I'm taking responsibility for my own happiness and future."

That was awesome and insightful. Great response, Hammer.

Becki, you are walking the walk you must. No question about it. All of your emotions are so normal. It's just plain hard and confusing being in love with an addict.
The only other thing I would add, is try your best not to engage with him - it does no good anyway, right? He's already miserable, he already feels guilty for what he's doing to you and his family, and, as he says, isn't quite ready. No expectations and no interactions (when possible) will probably help during this transition period.

Peace,
Christine

Hammerhead

I thought only drunks and addicts talked to pine trees

I'll give it a try some-time <wink>

TakingCharge999

I made the decision today to just give up on trying to get him to stop.

Very wise!!! when I assumed an ex was going to drink the rest of his days (and uhh HE told me that was his plan) I was able to feel the Dead End.

It was more powerful than anything, I had to go away. And stay away.

You sound very smart and together, I know you'll make it through

HanahGoodness

Becki67,

You are going through such a tough transition now of taking back control of your life. For some of us it is a long process....we are so used to being part of an unhealthy cycle because we weren't sure, or we were paralyzed from our reality. But whenever the taking back your life becomes your first priority, then the anger and the hurt will start to move in a direction that is positive and a solution for you.

In the meantime, look at yourself and where you want to be this time next year. Set that as your goal...list how you will get there....his problems are his...your life is what can be a valuable one to take back the control of.