nodaybut2day

Ok, so I wanted to start a new thread about my own personal drama. Apologies, but despite my best efforts, there is still drama in my life. I've tried my best to compartmentalize and minimize its effects on me, but to be honest, I've had trouble concentrating, eating and sleeping since XAH got served Monday night.

As I mentioned before, the reaction hasn't been bad. He's called my house a lot, never leaving messages, there was one text message and one voicemail which I had a friend check for me. In it, XAH very politely asks me what my plans are with regards to visitation.

Crap.

I guess I was secretely hoping to never have to answer that question. I was hoping he'd have his freak out, as usual, and then stop contacting me for good, just like he did for his 3rd son. The only difference between then and now is that I cleaned XAH up considerably (job, ID, credit history, apartment) and I'm not as disturbed as XAH's 3rd wife was at the time of the break-up.

So now I'm stumped. A mildly nauseous. I left a message with my lawyer asking her what to do. T

he dilemma is the following:
If I'm asking for sole custody, it seems illogical to me (the non-lawyer) to just keep facilitating visitation when my affidavit states that I think XAH is not a fit parent to care for DD. Perhaps I'm mistaken and it would show my good faith to continue visitation until we go to court on May 3rd, but again, I'm concerned about credibility. Perhaps visitation should only resume if on May 3rd, XAH shows up and contests and we then go to mediation. But that could take several weeks, and as things stand now, DD hasn't seen her father in 3 weeks. It'll be months before she sees him again. My only concern in this respect is how she'll react to being left with someone who's a stranger...

And of course, through all of this, I still have no idea how much or if XAH is drinking while he has DD! The point of the initial visitation agreement I had proposed was to give me the power to refuse visitation should XAH appear to be intoxicated...but XAH threw it back in my face calling it unfair and then cancelled all further mediation.

So now I'm semi-patiently awaiting my lawyer's response so I can answer XAH back about visitation on Sunday, trying very hard not to let my brain spin away on its own with all the legal ramification of this.

stella27

((noday))
I think that you are right about maintaining your credibility with the court about your concerns and beliefs that XH is not fit to supervise.

So no vis unless supervised until you get into court is my advice. I hope your lawyer calls you back soon as it is he who can best advise you.

posiesperson

noday,

I'm so sorry this is happening. First, congrats on getting through the paper-serving phase so well! Pats on the back to you, be nice to yourself about that!

I haven't had personal experience with this but what stella said seems to make a lot of sense. Why not have only supervised visits until you get to court? I hope your lawyer calls back soon, and that she's a good one.

Hugs,
posie

Pelican

You are doing great! Deep breaths. Find your serenity. You don't have to solve this by 6 p.m. today, right?

Hopefully, your lawyer will call you back later today.

I think that you have not had much over-reaction from your STBX, because of your ability to detach. Every call he placed without a message was likely going to be a major quacking call. He finally chose to leave a message re: visitation in an effort to engage you.

Speak with your lawyer.

If there is to be supervised visitation this weekend, be prepared. He may be using the visitation as a means to unload his BS onto you. Stick to the plans for drop off and pick up and keep the la, la, la, la going in your head when he opens his mouth to say anything other than Hi and Bye.

You are getting closer every day!

Duped

It's funny, I'm in a similar situation only I am the one who wants either supervised visitation or some 3rd party drop off point because I just can't bare to have contact anymore. It's a nightmare that I simply cannot go back to. Child or no child.

nodaybut2day

I've already arranged to have my mother come drop off DD on Sunday *if* it turns out I should continue with visitation. I don't plan on being alone in XAH's presence until we go to court. As for visitation being supervised, I don't see how that can happen, as XAH has forbidden me to be in contact with my former DSS (but then changed his mind and then changed his mind again, so we're back to "he hates you and doesn't want to see you"), and the visits happen in their apartment. Also, no third party I know wants anything to do with him...

JenT1968

do you have contact centres that can supervise visits? we do here, they require a lawyer to refer you,
fingers crossed your lawyer gets back quickly,
(())

ItsmeAlice

Hang in there. All these questions spinning in your head are for your attorney to guide you through. As frustrating and slow as the process might be, it is the most grounded path, IMO. Having an attorney guide the decisions gives you some legal standing when it comes to STB's quacking and may help you feel more confident in what you decide to do. The other bonus is that you get in the habit of referring STB to your attorney when he doesn't feel like playing by the rules or wants some new arrangement.

This is what attornies are paid to do. They don't operate on STB's schedule either so so if he's impatient and wanting answers now, now, now let your attorney tell him what's taking so long.

Again, this is what attornies are paid to do.

I think you're doing beautifully by the way! Having a friend read that email...brilliant!! Letting that phone ring instead of putting yourself in the path of his freight train...fantastic!!

Try to focus on the here and now. Like GL says, you don't need answers now, now, now just because he's asking. If you have to respond say my attorney is working something up, we'll get back to you. And end it there.

So proud of you. Keep doing what your doing!!

Alice

nodaybut2day

....keep doing visitation as I was before he was served, but offer no more than that. Keep doing it until May 3rd and then see what happens then.

(damn this woman is efficient. I called her at 8h40 and she returned my call by 10h40).

I think I'd gotten a bit confused about the term "sole custody" in my proceedings. Apparently, I can still have sole custody while XAH has access rights. Whether he asks for them or not is up to him.

So, I guess it's back to business, with the added fun bonus of XAH being pissed off at me for...oh my god...DIVORCING HIM and legalizing our current custody agreement (I mean, how dare I?).

Oh and, here's a kicker....Should he present himself in court, we'll have to come to an agreement regarding custody. Regarding divorce, the motive for requesting divorce is "mental cruelty". If XAH agrees to admit to this, we'll be granted the divorce sooner. If he doesn't, we have to wait until October 31, 2010 to be granted our decree. I wonder if he'll bite the carrot I'm dangling in front of his face, because I know he's already moved in with his new gf, and I know he's probably itching to be divorced so he can marry her next...heheh

Jadmack25

Is it bad of me to wish I could see a video of your Ah, representing himself in court.

What I am imagining is something of a Max Sennet movie, as he comes out with the same wacky lies, ideas and assumptions he has thrown at you, and a Judge with a totally amazed look.

I guess all you can do is go with your lawyer's advice, keep out of AH's toxic way and pray that October comes fast.

Meanwhile you are as always in my heart and prayers.

Actually, I do have a SR prayer list.
God forbid anybody ever sees it, as they will figure I have gone wacko.

All your SR names on it, would look pretty weird to others.

God bless

wicked

extra prayers for wicked?
LOL

nodaybut2day,
werent you the one who had the "duh duh dum, agreement of doom"
wrapped up extra tight so he had to tear it open?
ah, good times. good laughs.
i wanna see him in court too. the most foolish ones are the ones that are convinced they are right.
oh it is just beautiful.