tpen

I haven't spoken to XAGF for 3 weeks, or no email/txt for 11 days. I am proud of what I did because it was wrong what she was doing - chatting online with men and there had been no affection from her recently.

I see others have broken the NC and it makes me want to also. However, what I'm struggling with more in my situation is there is nada from her. No phone call, txt or email. I know everyone of you would say this is GREAT!

Based on your experiences...why is she not trying to communicate with me? I gave so much love to the relationship, doesn't she miss or think about it and get weak like me? She said she was going to work on fixing herself; however, all I see is frequent activity on myspace (sorry I still look).

Buffalo66

Her addiction is her priority. Thats what she is working on. You cannot take it personally. She would act this way toward anyone who stopped enabling her to continue living in her dysfunction.

nodaybut2day

Hi tpen...just have a look at the last paragraph of your post: it's about her. Why *she* won't do x,y,z, when you did a,b,c...Doesn't *she* feel e,f,g,? All that doesn't matter. What she does, think or feel doesn't matter. You are here to focus on you.

Yay you for going NC for 11 days!

It sucks but you may never understand what she does or why she does it. You may never feel validated or vindicated from that relationship. So why torture yourself with the lack of answers?

tpen

Are you implying she is trying to fix herself by not calling me? I'm confused by above statement.

Thank you everyone for the quick responses as it lifts me up and gets me out of the mud I was today.

tpen

I get it - meaning I am addicted to her? Right? So, I am doing great then, right?

Feel dumb for asking but have trouble thinking logically since then.

Thumper

Stay strong with the NC. Hang in there.

Get her out of your head. Make a list of things to do today. Things that will keep you active and away from the computer and phone. Then do the stuff on that list. It doesn't matter if it is fun stuff, useful stuff, chores, whatever. If you can't think of anything go rake some old ladies yard - that is what my mom and I always did, lol. Know what - it works! If thoughts of her invade your head - refocus. Do the next thing on your list, attack what you are doing with greater gusto, but don't let her take over. Make a pact with yourself to do that for the next 6 hours.

Sometimes we just have to much darn time on our hands. It gets us stuck. We have to allow the grief but we can't get stuck there and if you are surfing the net for her, staring at the phone, and letting her consume your thoughts - you are stuck. Fake it till you make it sometimes really does help. Good thoughts and strength being sent to you.

Duped

Probably not. Ego gets in the way of that I've found. It's also likely she has found another weaker person.

The only way she'll have you back is if you go back, crawling on your knees and begging. You must hand over all power and control over to the alcoholic otherwise you are the enemy.

It's the disease, and you need to learn to not take it personally, hard as that may be.

She's ill. Otherwise she wouldn't be letting the people that truly care about her leave.

You are addicted to her, but do not confuse your own NEED for love. You are simply looking for the power that you gave up to her back. She fed you scraps to keep you supplicating. It was likely not love on either of your parts.

In time, you will gain objectivity and the pain will lessen. In fact, you could even awake one day to find your emotional attachment has vanished. That is what happened to me.

I would thank your lucky stars you are out of it. Believe me. You should be doing cartwheels down the street - you get to start over with a clean slate!!

tpen

Thank you, this is correct as I do care. People who push others away that care about them are not healthy. Back on track - thanks everyone.

Duped

Mine pushed away my entire family. My friends. All good people. Anyone who questions her about her consumption and pretty much anything else, gets pushed away. She does a push-pull with her own family. She lets in only those who enable her; friendships in her world are a rag-tag group of alcoholics, drug users or former users. People who will be there to recognise her own unique set of 'horrible' life circumstances and will say, "There, there....it will be alright. Go ahead, have that glass of wine."

KeepPedaling

Tpen, you seem to keep asking the same question about her, "why isn't she chasing me"? How long did you date her, if you don't mind my asking?

Sometimes, drunk or sober, when people want to break it off with someone they're "just not that in to" but they aren't mature enough to break if off themselves, they make it so awful, they make the conditions so unacceptable that the OTHER person will break it off. Perhaps, she just wasn't that in to you (for whatever reason, you should never take that personally), so she flirted with other guys, which she perhaps knew would upset you, so you would break it off with her and leave. Maybe she just wasn't that in to you. Maybe she's in to another guy, or in to booze, or more in to being single and commitment free. Who knows.

I got this book that really helped me. I recommend it. It's pretty good. "Getting Past your BreakUp".

tpen

We dated 20 months, but I lived 5 hours away. Saw each other twice a month on weekends. She told me about her drinking problem at 18 months.

You are probably right - she just wasn't into me. I do believe A played a role in the fights and drama of our relationship. I just don't understand why she brought her kids into my life and wanted me to come see her as much as I could.

Duped

In hindsight, mine only wanted me for my pay cheque and to give her some semblance of normalcy. She wasn't capable of normal. Perhaps yours is the same. Chances are love was never in the picture, addicts and alkies aren't capable of love - only using people.

nodaybut2day

I'll be completely honest here and say that in the past, before I was married to XAH, this is how I broke up with people: I cheated on them and then told them what I'd done, knowing it would be the end of it, because I didn't have the balls to say "I don't want this anymore". It's the coward's way out, and I kept doing it because I was too afraid to be honest about what I wanted.

TakingCharge999

mourning sucks but its normal!

i craved contact as well

for some time we remained "friends" LOL

it just made me feel worse.


nothing that she does is going to give you happiness, tpen.


the only way to win is not to play.

if she is an EX then off she goes.

that is why we block our phone and emails, because at least its also part of our choice not to receive any other message from someone who did great harm.

its not "up to them" anymore.

NC will get easier with time.

I still hope you stop looking at her online activity.

it just keeps you hooked and gives you pain

meanwhile you are missing the sunsets

the ice cream

the ppl that are actually waiting for YOU to send a signal and who CARE.


with alkies its just pain, contacting them, not contacting them, once one sees who they are and what they are capable of doing without remorse or "normal" humanity, all bets are off.

sometimes i suffer a lot , not because of what others do but because im used to NOT have a single damn good time for MYSELF. because i dont feel worth it.


distracting me with some other life guarantees suffering
forever waiting for some magic word or action from someone else, guarantees suffering
focusing on what bugs me guarantees suffering


can one call that.. living?

I hope you are smarter than me, mourn with grace, educate yourself about alcoholism just enough to know this was a train speeding up able to run you over but you were saved and you can stand up again. the train is destined to end up a wreck, let it be far, far away from you.

also I suggest AA meetgs, they welcome F&F.
it was powerful for me to hear it was for the best, from an alkie.
it was powerful to listen and know all the things that had to happen for alkies to start recovery


"when my son died in a car accident when he was drunk, because he learned from me"

"after my third wife was succesful in her suicide attempts"


Ok so now you have "only" been one of his ex's, her 'career' is still so early.. you can't expect a child starting kidergarten to be an expert in astrophysics......

tpen

At what point did you then learn or act honest? What was the defining moment?

tpen

UPDATE: I sold a boat one year ago to a person that was very nervous and long story short knew something just wasn't right. It was odd and inconsistent. I just received a phone call from a guy in TX wanting to know if my boat was a 2002. I reply, no, it was a 1998. He replies well seller wants $7800 for it. I sold it for $6000 and the guy never took the boat registration. Caller found me through a google search for the same make, model and year of boat. He was about to be scammed had it not been for a HP making him research more about that boat.

I knew in my gut this guy was a criminal when he bought the boat from me! I just couldn't prove it!

I now know that the XAGF I HAD loved was an addict and alchie! Time reveals everything and the signs were real. If I only would of trusted my gut feelings!!!!

Goodbye, and do know this.....it'll catch up to you someday. I pray you find a HP before that!

lulu1974

NC was broken for me because he did it not me. And we are in the process of a divorce now so we wont be speaking. When it was broken by him..It wasnt a good thing. Nothing has changed, It made me feel worse because he is all happy in his world or so he says. I wish it wsant borken now because I back tracked a bit. Now I have to keep going..Going NC doesnt mean they come back because they miss you. Mine broke NC to tell me he is filing for divorce. NC is a time to heal yourself while away from the insanity...Its a tool for you and has little to do with her..I had to honestly look at myself and stop missing him..even though I do still but the truth is..I am better off without him. I am just going thru the process of physical detaching and getting some sort of closure and accepting I may never get closure..Pls take the time to look at yourself and how you can be happier and stronger,,

nodaybut2day

Hmm, I think I stopped acting in this manner when I starting dating XAH, and saw how dishonest he was to me, and to others. I realized how painful it was and promptly vowed never to do it again to anyone. I really had to get burned deeply before I learned my lesson.

Duped

The truth ALWAYS prevails. Oh sure, the alkie can paint their version of reality anyway they want, dress it up, dress us down.....but the truth will always prevail - reality will always be that they are jobless, careerless, loveless, friendless, barren and bereft of self worth. It must be a horrible place to live.