Triggared
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Thanks, Guys.
I know it is weird. One last thing that is creepy is that she is wearing an outfit from a specialty boutique in CO that I have always liked. Their clothes are crazy expensive and I used to tell L that for a special occasion I would like one of those outfits.
I suppose I really do give up trying to wrap my brain around the why's of this or him. Alcoholism is bad and actives are not well.
Last year some of you may remember me writing about how they "showed" up in my hometown several weekends when I was there including my birthday weeked. Now they just happen to drive through my new neighborhood and just happen to walk around here. Aside from complaining here and to a few friends, I have never done a thing or said a word.
I am by no means the center of the world, but I see things that are personal to me that he shares with her and I just shake my head. Am I really that cool to want to duplicate me with the new chick? It doesn't matter. When he calls my godmother, disses his wife to her and keeps saying that I broke up with him, he did nothing wrong, I think I see that he is unhappy and blaming everyone else. I see him copying our life with her and trying to remake her like me...in style that is. Style, not substance. I am the original and the few years he got to spend with me was his pleasure and I am growing beyond that.
I need some freaking confidence to move forward professionally right now. God, please grant me confidence....
I know it is weird. One last thing that is creepy is that she is wearing an outfit from a specialty boutique in CO that I have always liked. Their clothes are crazy expensive and I used to tell L that for a special occasion I would like one of those outfits.
I suppose I really do give up trying to wrap my brain around the why's of this or him. Alcoholism is bad and actives are not well.
Last year some of you may remember me writing about how they "showed" up in my hometown several weekends when I was there including my birthday weeked. Now they just happen to drive through my new neighborhood and just happen to walk around here. Aside from complaining here and to a few friends, I have never done a thing or said a word.
I am by no means the center of the world, but I see things that are personal to me that he shares with her and I just shake my head. Am I really that cool to want to duplicate me with the new chick? It doesn't matter. When he calls my godmother, disses his wife to her and keeps saying that I broke up with him, he did nothing wrong, I think I see that he is unhappy and blaming everyone else. I see him copying our life with her and trying to remake her like me...in style that is. Style, not substance. I am the original and the few years he got to spend with me was his pleasure and I am growing beyond that.
I need some freaking confidence to move forward professionally right now. God, please grant me confidence....
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Style, not substance. I am the original and the few years he got to spend with me was his pleasure and I am growing beyond that.
Your damn right honey! Right on!
Who needs confidence with self-esteem like that!!!
I am going to remember that
Alice
Your damn right honey! Right on!
Who needs confidence with self-esteem like that!!!
I am going to remember that
Alice
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
I want to emphasize as well the deception that comes with just the flash of a picture.
I know EXACTLY how you feel. When I read your post, my heart sank for you. Ugh, the sight of that! How perfect their life must be because you saw it in a picture! REALLY???
Funny thing about that, and though I do it too, thinking because I see a picture or read something funny that was posted up by my XA or his current gf that they are SOOO happy, and I really did mess it up like he said I did.
Then I think about MEEEEE. Though I know that my life is in a MUCH better place now, there are MANY MANY times I have put up a picture laughing, or posted a funny comment on facebook on a friends page....and even though it was funny, and nothing about anything serious, I was crying WHILE posting it. Why? Because in that moment, I was not happy, I was thinking about loss in my life, pain....but I didn't want anyone else to know that!
So it looks to everyone else like I am JUST FINE! But really, dealt with a lot of pain.
A picture means NOTHING my sweet!
I know EXACTLY how you feel. When I read your post, my heart sank for you. Ugh, the sight of that! How perfect their life must be because you saw it in a picture! REALLY???
Funny thing about that, and though I do it too, thinking because I see a picture or read something funny that was posted up by my XA or his current gf that they are SOOO happy, and I really did mess it up like he said I did.
Then I think about MEEEEE. Though I know that my life is in a MUCH better place now, there are MANY MANY times I have put up a picture laughing, or posted a funny comment on facebook on a friends page....and even though it was funny, and nothing about anything serious, I was crying WHILE posting it. Why? Because in that moment, I was not happy, I was thinking about loss in my life, pain....but I didn't want anyone else to know that!
So it looks to everyone else like I am JUST FINE! But really, dealt with a lot of pain.
A picture means NOTHING my sweet!
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 218
A picture really does mean nothing, MissF. I had one of these moments a few weeks ago and got -such- great support on the boards. I think it was Bookwyrm who told me not to compare the outside of the new relationship with the inside of my own. Golden.
My it stings, though. When it comes to "happy snaps" I reamember that a year ago a friend from high school posted some photos with her new baby and the dad online. They looked absolutely blissful. At the time she was consulting a lawyer about divorce because he had moved from being verbally abusive to shoving her - while she was holding that precious new baby. This was before I even had a clue that my ex was drinking and I remember thinking that we just never know what's going on behind closed doors.
I have a list of the worst of times that I read back on when I have one of these triggering episodes - it really helps.
And I'm going to rip this one out again .... this is the couple who had to call from their own reception to try to get people to come to the wedding when nobody showed, right?
Hang in there sweetheart and spend lots of snuggle time with Marvin.
SL.
My it stings, though. When it comes to "happy snaps" I reamember that a year ago a friend from high school posted some photos with her new baby and the dad online. They looked absolutely blissful. At the time she was consulting a lawyer about divorce because he had moved from being verbally abusive to shoving her - while she was holding that precious new baby. This was before I even had a clue that my ex was drinking and I remember thinking that we just never know what's going on behind closed doors.
I have a list of the worst of times that I read back on when I have one of these triggering episodes - it really helps.
And I'm going to rip this one out again .... this is the couple who had to call from their own reception to try to get people to come to the wedding when nobody showed, right?
Hang in there sweetheart and spend lots of snuggle time with Marvin.
SL.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
And I'm going to rip this one out again .... this is the couple who had to call from their own reception to try to get people to come to the wedding when nobody showed, right?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Thank you.
Yes, same couple. Few people went to their wedding, they invited MY EXBOYFRIEND prior to L, who L hated. Why? I have no idea. The guy ended up being an usher in the wedding. Sick, yes.
I cannot control the world, but it bugs me. I would never do that to him, actually to either of them.
As luck would have it, I passed the wife again and she hung her head down staring at her watch and looking at her shoes. I didn't say a word.
Yes, same couple. Few people went to their wedding, they invited MY EXBOYFRIEND prior to L, who L hated. Why? I have no idea. The guy ended up being an usher in the wedding. Sick, yes.
I cannot control the world, but it bugs me. I would never do that to him, actually to either of them.
As luck would have it, I passed the wife again and she hung her head down staring at her watch and looking at her shoes. I didn't say a word.
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
sweetheart,
they are not living a fairytale existance: why do you beleive that? Even if the picture is "the truth" look at that, the woman who he is with now, has the engagement ring of another woman on her hand, does that make her feel loved? special?
He has a drink in his hand, he is still drinking. YOU know what that means.
Her husband takes her to the neighbourhood of his ex, for what? kicks? does that make her feel loved? special? She spent time sending you bullying emails, is that because she is so damned happy and secure in her all-wonderful life?
There is a picture that used to be on my wall, it is of me and my son, and is a lovely picture of him, I have a smile on my face, people, friends, my ex have said I look really serene in that photo, and said how much they loved it. I don't I rememnber the day it was taken, and that is NOT a serene smile on my face, and it SCREAMS that to me, I am beyond suprised that no-one else can see the pain and frustration and misery that I can see in my face.
people smile when a camera comes out, they put their arms around people they can't stand and seconds later, beat a hasty retreat. Especially at a "function" or "party".
Consider this: She is you. she is living the life you had, not the fairy tale that you "could have had" the actual one you had, but worse, because these things all progress. Was that a lovely life? are you here 18 months later on a site for those affected by the drinking of others because that life was joyful?
I know this is hard, but you demonise her and romanticise their life together when you have no actual idea of the reality.
Be enormously happy that you are not trapped in that life anymore. How's it going otherwise??
they are not living a fairytale existance: why do you beleive that? Even if the picture is "the truth" look at that, the woman who he is with now, has the engagement ring of another woman on her hand, does that make her feel loved? special?
He has a drink in his hand, he is still drinking. YOU know what that means.
Her husband takes her to the neighbourhood of his ex, for what? kicks? does that make her feel loved? special? She spent time sending you bullying emails, is that because she is so damned happy and secure in her all-wonderful life?
There is a picture that used to be on my wall, it is of me and my son, and is a lovely picture of him, I have a smile on my face, people, friends, my ex have said I look really serene in that photo, and said how much they loved it. I don't I rememnber the day it was taken, and that is NOT a serene smile on my face, and it SCREAMS that to me, I am beyond suprised that no-one else can see the pain and frustration and misery that I can see in my face.
people smile when a camera comes out, they put their arms around people they can't stand and seconds later, beat a hasty retreat. Especially at a "function" or "party".
Consider this: She is you. she is living the life you had, not the fairy tale that you "could have had" the actual one you had, but worse, because these things all progress. Was that a lovely life? are you here 18 months later on a site for those affected by the drinking of others because that life was joyful?
I know this is hard, but you demonise her and romanticise their life together when you have no actual idea of the reality.
Be enormously happy that you are not trapped in that life anymore. How's it going otherwise??
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Miss, It doesnt take much to smile in a photo..That doesnt mean anything or even that they are happy..Most of us smile in photos no matter what is going on behind the scenes and the ring..well just goes to show you how much he cares about the new girl..Giving her a recycled ring. Nice! I wouldnt want to wear it. Bad karma in my opinion. Take care of you cause that picture doesnt tell you what their true life is like..
This is about you and the peace and serenity you have now. Keep working this program!
This is about you and the peace and serenity you have now. Keep working this program!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Thanks Jen your post helped me a great deal.
Carol that is good advice,
And Miss if you enjoy that club why not keep going?
I mean it sucks to run into them but if you keep your letting go exercises you'll get used to them and you will be closer to indifference.
Well that happened to me for a while, there was a point where I expected them to be together hugging etc and when I saw them it was no longer a surprise.
I didn't belong to him, and I don't belong to him, I don't belong to anyone... I can do what I want wherever I wish. Although later I took steps back and now it hurts again but when I was no longer afraid of accepting reality as it is "magically" I was no longer "tested" so often.
We know it is less painful just to let go. Its a gift to everyone. Moreover to ourselves.
In any case I know how it feels. I wish you the best.
Carol that is good advice,
And Miss if you enjoy that club why not keep going?
I mean it sucks to run into them but if you keep your letting go exercises you'll get used to them and you will be closer to indifference.
Well that happened to me for a while, there was a point where I expected them to be together hugging etc and when I saw them it was no longer a surprise.
I didn't belong to him, and I don't belong to him, I don't belong to anyone... I can do what I want wherever I wish. Although later I took steps back and now it hurts again but when I was no longer afraid of accepting reality as it is "magically" I was no longer "tested" so often.
We know it is less painful just to let go. Its a gift to everyone. Moreover to ourselves.
In any case I know how it feels. I wish you the best.
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