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Kicking them while their down, codepenendancy, and confirmation

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Kicking them while their down, codepenendancy, and confirmation

Old 04-13-2010, 07:29 AM
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Kicking them while their down, codepenendancy, and confirmation

Well, what an interesting couple of days that have left me confirmed in what I know is true, but trying to keep my codependant self from rescuing or feeling the need to rescue. My AH got ticked off on Friday and Quit one of his jobs with a good friend of ours - for very stupid stupid reasons. Now I am on maternity leave, still making some money due std insurance and our sick leave plan....but July/August before I go back to teach are going to be tight and he knows this. Of course this didn't cross his mind when he was angry. Anyway, so I suggested to him he apologize and ask our friend to reconsider. He send an "apology" that was more like a passive aggressive slam than apology, saw our friend Sat. and thought everything was fine. Well, not the case. So I am very angry about him quitting like that - it is just such typical behavior or him to belive that he can say whatever and then "apologize" in his non-apologetic way and expect the other person to say ok. Wow...was this like a realization....this is exactly what I put up with, only our friend did not. So this morning he is angry because he is not working and I am "not supporting" him. And he is right...I do not support this decision - it was selfish and wrong. Then he won't admit that he quit his job....which he specifically told me he did. THat went on a while. Then he attackes me......I sit on my a$$ all day, I'm a B, I'm well a whole list of ridiculous thing. Now mind you I'm on bedrest and have been in teh hospital and am delivery our baby next week, but he could careless. Now I could keep complaining, but here is my struggle. This pattern w/ people including me is so obvious. He is now on the bed sleeping, pouting AND WHY IS IT....I feel like I kicked him when he was down??? I would never allow myself to act to selfishly or meanly.....and then there is a part of me that feels sorry for him....are you kidding me????????????????? I am not giving in to these feelings but they are there........will he ever really look at himself for who he is and what he does or forever will everything always be the toher persons fault, and their mistake.....his behavior is very king-baby and very grandiose sense of entitlement.....and it is irritating as hell......and yet....I am feeliny sorry for him....this is where there is something seriously wrong with ME!!
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Old 04-13-2010, 07:46 AM
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I fail to see where you "kicked" him. You are angry that he quit his job, as you have every right to be. That is not kicking someone when they are down. He may be "down" but he put himself there by quitting, and as such, put all of you in a financial bind. You have every right to be angry. He needs to grow up and you need to stop feeling sorry for him.
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Old 04-13-2010, 07:57 AM
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Oh boy, I'm so sorry he's being such a selfish jerk, especially considering what you're going through with your pregnancy. You have EVERY FRIGGIN RIGHT to be angry at him, and it's entirely normal to feel conflicted about him. You're used to feeling sorry for him, to "being there" for him, but you're also starting to realize that he's entirely and completely focused on himself, no matter what is going on around him.

Sadly, I don't believe he'll ever look at himself and realize what a mess he is. My AH never did. I supported him, his son and myself while pregnant for several months, while he sat on his butt at home, complaining that we lived in a racist province, refusing to take jobs he considered "beneath him"...we struggled for food and we didn't pay rent for a few months...and yet he contiued to drink and smoke and whine. Boohoo for him. It's only when my contract ended that miraculously, I found him a job he managed to keep.

I wish you the same sort of grace from HP, and wish you a peaceful birth away from this "man's" b.s.
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Old 04-13-2010, 10:05 AM
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I think the Alcoholic has a need for playing victim. It allows them to drink without remorse, common sense, or caution.

He has to be entrenched in that sense that he was done wrong. My exA would/does do this ALL the time. He will quit jobs, cry about how he has nothing.

He will neglect to show up for happy family functions, drink and cry that he has no one.

He will burn bridges with friends, co workers, people who are trying to support him because his brain is mush, then he will cry that no one is on his side.

All these things end up being what I call his luge track.

He cannot just live the way he does, drink the way he does, blame shift the way he does and OWN it, so he simply HAS to create a persecuted scenario in his messy little mind.

This way he can sit at the bar, on the couch, in the garage or wherever the heck he ends up and tear into his beer about how it is all so unfair, and that gives him license, in his mind to live this way for another...month, year, decade...

As far as you feeling GUILTY about it...I have been there, and it is a freaking twist of the mind isn't it?

You find yourself energetically going to his aid. It is a habit, a pattern. And make NO mistake addicts are like 4 year old children and they are testing that and counting on that empathy from you. They need it. Outside sympathy enforces that inner lie they live.

Mine started going elsewhere for that YEARS ago, and he continues to g o to his greener sympathy pastures everyday.

Mine has not even called about his child, does weird crap constantly, quit his job, etc...and posts onto facebook these self pitiful posts about how he is missing out on his baby boy growing up.

It is all designed to allow his mind and whatever conscience he has left to give him the OK to continue drinking.

Dont take the bait.

I always said to my A,"why dont you let the sh*t that you just threw into that fan hit your face for once, so you will learn not to do it again.."
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Old 04-13-2010, 07:55 PM
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will he ever really look at himself for who he is and what he does or forever will everything always be the toher persons fault, and their mistake.

We just can't know the answer to this....ever!

Choices and mistakes that seem so obvious to us in another person might not be mistakes for them, but might be the universe's way of teaching them things. And maybe the universe is teaching them things beyond or contrary to what we think they need to learn!!! Maybe it's just the beginning of a larger lesson for them....or the end of another lesson - who knows and why waste a single brain cell on it.

That energy is better spent figuring out my own lessons, looking at myself for what I am and what I do, and tuning in to what God/HP/universe/karma/you name it, are trying to teach me!

I hope your delivery goes smoothly! And that you and baby are healthy & safe!
peace-
b
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