Being tested by the ex, I think
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Being tested by the ex, I think
So as you know I broke up with my exA last week during a counseling appointment. I went to the appointment and brought everything that needed to be given back (read: no longer stored at my house). This was because I needed it to be taken all care of right then and there, and not have little threads of impending contact coming my way.
Weeks and weeks ago I had asked for an item that my then-SO was going to be giving away. After cleaning it all up and doing some minor repair (so that I could take it for my kids and myself), it was never given to me because, in my opinion, my ex was pissed at me for the 2 weeks prior to our "one-month-break" and then contacted me during that month to see if I wanted this item at that time. I asked that it be brought to the next scheduled opportunity we'd be together--at the counseling appointment last week. At the time that I asked it be brought to the appointment I didn't know that it would be our "breakup session".
Of course, it didn't arrive to the appointment. Yesterday I received an e-mail which states, "I have (the item), if you want it you can make arrangements to come pick it up."
Well lemme tell you, I'd been having a mighty decent weekend, but this admittedly threw me for a bit of a loop. I'm trying to figure out how I feel about this, given that I had originally asked for it and my ex cleaned it all up and did the repair. But it feels like a big ol' giant "hook" and I can barely keep myself from wanting to say all kinds of caretaking things like "I'm not rejecting you, it's just that my relative just offered this very same item to me" (which is true), and/or "Thanks for thinking of me" and/or "It's not that I'm not accepting what I already said I'd accept...it's not about you...it's just that I don't need duplicates..."
ARGH. The thing is, I don't want the thing in my house, another reminder of what this relationship isn't to be. But more importantly is that the contact with my ex just ain't worth it because of the pain. I'm doing really, really well on my own, grieving and healing. I don't want to have to slam the door on this relationship, I just really wanted to close it gently and peacefully. I want that to be possible but I can't seem to find my voice with a few people on this planet, my ex being one of them, and it's maddening to me.
Help,
posie
Weeks and weeks ago I had asked for an item that my then-SO was going to be giving away. After cleaning it all up and doing some minor repair (so that I could take it for my kids and myself), it was never given to me because, in my opinion, my ex was pissed at me for the 2 weeks prior to our "one-month-break" and then contacted me during that month to see if I wanted this item at that time. I asked that it be brought to the next scheduled opportunity we'd be together--at the counseling appointment last week. At the time that I asked it be brought to the appointment I didn't know that it would be our "breakup session".
Of course, it didn't arrive to the appointment. Yesterday I received an e-mail which states, "I have (the item), if you want it you can make arrangements to come pick it up."
Well lemme tell you, I'd been having a mighty decent weekend, but this admittedly threw me for a bit of a loop. I'm trying to figure out how I feel about this, given that I had originally asked for it and my ex cleaned it all up and did the repair. But it feels like a big ol' giant "hook" and I can barely keep myself from wanting to say all kinds of caretaking things like "I'm not rejecting you, it's just that my relative just offered this very same item to me" (which is true), and/or "Thanks for thinking of me" and/or "It's not that I'm not accepting what I already said I'd accept...it's not about you...it's just that I don't need duplicates..."
ARGH. The thing is, I don't want the thing in my house, another reminder of what this relationship isn't to be. But more importantly is that the contact with my ex just ain't worth it because of the pain. I'm doing really, really well on my own, grieving and healing. I don't want to have to slam the door on this relationship, I just really wanted to close it gently and peacefully. I want that to be possible but I can't seem to find my voice with a few people on this planet, my ex being one of them, and it's maddening to me.
Help,
posie
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
You asked for the item to be delivered at the counseling appointment. It wasn't. Now you can simply say that since it wasn't there when you expected it to be, you have made other arrangements. Thanks anyway.
L
L
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Posie, I'm sorry he couldn't just step up and bring 'it' to the session as agreed.
If you are at the point now where the item in question is not worth the trauma it might bring to obtain it, then I agree letting it go is the best path to take.
As for what to say in response to his telling you to come get it, I'll tell you that I write many responses to emails on many topics but before I send it I usually delete all but the first sentence or two. You see I usually say what I need to up front but then I'm one of those codie/low self esteem types that thinks I have to explain everything to everyone and find a gentle way to soften my saying no.
The wise folks here have taught me that "No" is a complete sentence and I don't owe anyone anything but the simple truth. Mean what you say, say what you mean, but don't say it mean. It's working for me but it takes practice.
How about writing this to him in an email...."No, thank you (name). Take care." It's to the point, polite, and even a little thoughtful. If he pushes, keep repeating the same words until it sinks in. You can maybe add "I won't be needing it."
Protecting our serenity and moving forward is a priority for us. Hang in there!
Alice
If you are at the point now where the item in question is not worth the trauma it might bring to obtain it, then I agree letting it go is the best path to take.
As for what to say in response to his telling you to come get it, I'll tell you that I write many responses to emails on many topics but before I send it I usually delete all but the first sentence or two. You see I usually say what I need to up front but then I'm one of those codie/low self esteem types that thinks I have to explain everything to everyone and find a gentle way to soften my saying no.
The wise folks here have taught me that "No" is a complete sentence and I don't owe anyone anything but the simple truth. Mean what you say, say what you mean, but don't say it mean. It's working for me but it takes practice.
How about writing this to him in an email...."No, thank you (name). Take care." It's to the point, polite, and even a little thoughtful. If he pushes, keep repeating the same words until it sinks in. You can maybe add "I won't be needing it."
Protecting our serenity and moving forward is a priority for us. Hang in there!
Alice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Ah..."No" is a complete sentence...even though in my head there's a full-blown monologue going on..??!
Thanks for the suggestions on how to phrase this. I'm really struggling right now, I was woken up this morning with a phone call from a mutual friend who just arrived back home from a vacation out of the country. She said, "I guess you had an eventful week--I was just on FB and saw that _________ changed relationship status to "single"!!"
UGH. The next thing was that one of _________'s friends commented right away that she'd "send some options" my ex's way... I have not gone on FB, this is all via my friend. I'm going to have to ask her to not tell me anything else about it, it's just too painful. But I'll admit that in my angry moments I want to go on FB and post, "Yeah, send some options to and I'll start praying for them right away." Heh. Small pleasure in that, but I'll get over it.
Can't eat breakfast this morning. I know I have to respond to this %$^&@ e-mail about the item. I'm hurt, I'm angry, etc. And I had to tell my kids THIS MORNING that the breakup happened because of that lovely little tagline on FB, as my ex is friends on FB with one of my kids' friends at school and didn't want my kids to get the news that way.
The whole things just s*cks. Truly.
I'm digging deep for the serenity, making sure I cry when I need to, fumbling through my day but know that I'll be alright. I realized this morning how terrified I am of making a mistake, so much so that I can't seem to get around to sending the e-mail response with what it is that I really want to say.
How is it that this can be so incredibly painful, that I feel like I weigh the "positives" of my ex so heavily to the extent that I deny the "negatives" (even the REALLY GLARING ones) and yet that's all my ex sees in me--the negatives? Horrible feeling, this is...it's like my ex is the embodiment of the bad neighborhood in my head.
Thank you again,
posie
Thanks for the suggestions on how to phrase this. I'm really struggling right now, I was woken up this morning with a phone call from a mutual friend who just arrived back home from a vacation out of the country. She said, "I guess you had an eventful week--I was just on FB and saw that _________ changed relationship status to "single"!!"
UGH. The next thing was that one of _________'s friends commented right away that she'd "send some options" my ex's way... I have not gone on FB, this is all via my friend. I'm going to have to ask her to not tell me anything else about it, it's just too painful. But I'll admit that in my angry moments I want to go on FB and post, "Yeah, send some options to and I'll start praying for them right away." Heh. Small pleasure in that, but I'll get over it.
Can't eat breakfast this morning. I know I have to respond to this %$^&@ e-mail about the item. I'm hurt, I'm angry, etc. And I had to tell my kids THIS MORNING that the breakup happened because of that lovely little tagline on FB, as my ex is friends on FB with one of my kids' friends at school and didn't want my kids to get the news that way.
The whole things just s*cks. Truly.
I'm digging deep for the serenity, making sure I cry when I need to, fumbling through my day but know that I'll be alright. I realized this morning how terrified I am of making a mistake, so much so that I can't seem to get around to sending the e-mail response with what it is that I really want to say.
How is it that this can be so incredibly painful, that I feel like I weigh the "positives" of my ex so heavily to the extent that I deny the "negatives" (even the REALLY GLARING ones) and yet that's all my ex sees in me--the negatives? Horrible feeling, this is...it's like my ex is the embodiment of the bad neighborhood in my head.
Thank you again,
posie
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Hang in there. You are doing well. This is a hard time.
Don't be paralized by worry of making a wrong decision. Do the steps that need to be done and just sit on the others. Talk to the kids - done.. Send a one line email about the item. Then do nothing. You can always send another email. Put Facebook out of your mind. You can't change it, and you can always post what you want later.
I have no idea what 'friends' are thinking when they call people up with information like that.
I was easily paralized. This place and my counselor helped me sort out the must decide nows, and the things that can wait. 90% of the time the 'things that could wait' just disappeared or I no longer felt so paralized and could handle them. Do the bare minimum on the must decide now's so that you can move on.
Mistakes are OK. They aren't the end of the world. You can change your mind. People do that. Those were also things I had to repeat to myself over and over so I wouldn't get paralized with fear.
Don't be paralized by worry of making a wrong decision. Do the steps that need to be done and just sit on the others. Talk to the kids - done.. Send a one line email about the item. Then do nothing. You can always send another email. Put Facebook out of your mind. You can't change it, and you can always post what you want later.
I have no idea what 'friends' are thinking when they call people up with information like that.
I was easily paralized. This place and my counselor helped me sort out the must decide nows, and the things that can wait. 90% of the time the 'things that could wait' just disappeared or I no longer felt so paralized and could handle them. Do the bare minimum on the must decide now's so that you can move on.
Mistakes are OK. They aren't the end of the world. You can change your mind. People do that. Those were also things I had to repeat to myself over and over so I wouldn't get paralized with fear.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by transformyself 
Listen to Thumper.
Posie, it would be good if you could tell your friends you really don't want to hear anything else about your X. And block him on FB, of course. Just keeps the poison in the air, to use a tired metaphor of mine
And how about this as a response regarding the "item":
"I appreciate you taking the time to (repair, do whatever he did). It was very kind of you to do that. But when you didn't bring it to our appointment as you agreed, I just assumed you'd changed your mind, and so I made other plans. I don't need it any more and hope it will find a good home. Again though, thanks."
It's honorable, expresses gratitude, and closes the door gently.
Whaddya think?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Having some computer difficulties today, I'm afraid...didn't see GL's note until after I responded to exA's e-mail, though I wish I had b/c I really like the gentleness of the words and the clarity about the item not having arrived to the appointment last week.
What I said was something like this: "Hi __________, Thank you for your note and offer of the _________. I was recently offered the family __________ that my mother used to play and I've accepted it. I hope there is someone who can offer a good home to the one you have. Sending peace and prayers. Love, ___________."
I hope that conveys the gentleness that I send, and intend. Can't help but feel that no matter what I do it won't be good enough anyway. Ouch.
posie
What I said was something like this: "Hi __________, Thank you for your note and offer of the _________. I was recently offered the family __________ that my mother used to play and I've accepted it. I hope there is someone who can offer a good home to the one you have. Sending peace and prayers. Love, ___________."
I hope that conveys the gentleness that I send, and intend. Can't help but feel that no matter what I do it won't be good enough anyway. Ouch.
posie
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
You are being hard on yourself through his eyes. Take the lens off that goes through his view. You were concise, clear and it's going to bother him because it reeks of detachment and health. Oh, bummer. He will get over it. Its not your problem anymore.
Keep Moving!! You are doing Great!
Keep Moving!! You are doing Great!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Can't help but feel that no matter what I do it won't be good enough anyway.
It is good enough for YOU. And you're the only one you have to worry about. You behaved honorably, you know it, so it doesn't matter what his bent mind chooses to do with the data.
Hang in there. It will get easier as you close off these avenues of access to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Okay, running on rather blind trust now (trying to take the lens off, Buffalo!) b/c I know all of you know what you're talking about...I can access that part of myself that knows this is best for me, but boy, does it hurt to think about the things being said/done/assumed, etc. I'm trying to not go there. In my head I know it doesn't matter, and that time heals all wounds. Thank you for being there, encouraging me. I'm keenly aware that the statements and assumptions made about me by my ex are validating the "bad stuff" that my little girl inside says to herself.
Thumper thanks for the phrases. I know you're right. I did my best to make them gentle but firm in the return e-mail. Your note encouraged me to stick to clarity (and backed up by transform and GL!). Alice I'm still reeling from your statement that "No is a complete sentence"!! It IS a complete sentence, though I don't think I've ever used it that way. I needed to read those words. Stillwaters, you had me chuckling about the cuss words.
And Jadmack, always right on target...and Lateeda, too. If only I could state it so clearly and feel okay inside of myself. Any tips on that strategy? Sometimes I don't feel totally emotionally honest because I'm not speaking clearly, and then I generalize it out that I'm not behaving honorably. And plenty of times I've been told by exA that I wasn't being clear...so maybe that's the emotional dishonesty. Don't know for sure. I DO know that my intentions have been of the highest and best good and that I've tried as hard as I can in this relationship, and the previous ones.
Thanks for the reminder to keep the focus on myself, and do as GL said, close off the avenues to exA's ability to access my life. It does feel better to have told the kids, to have sent the e-mail. The doors are closing to my exA...and windows are opening to other ways of living b/c my supports have been there. An Alanon friend sent me a TM today that said, "It's always darkest before the dawn." Another good reminder.
It feels unbelievably bad to have the worst assumed of me when I'm truly extending some of the very best of myself. I'm sitting with the pain and acknowledging that this is hard work. I'm not harboring resentments, I'm not rageful or vengeful, but I'm terribly, terribly sad. And I want that taste of serenity back--I really felt it not long ago. At least now I know I CAN feel it...which is a miracle, right?
posie
Thumper thanks for the phrases. I know you're right. I did my best to make them gentle but firm in the return e-mail. Your note encouraged me to stick to clarity (and backed up by transform and GL!). Alice I'm still reeling from your statement that "No is a complete sentence"!! It IS a complete sentence, though I don't think I've ever used it that way. I needed to read those words. Stillwaters, you had me chuckling about the cuss words.
And Jadmack, always right on target...and Lateeda, too. If only I could state it so clearly and feel okay inside of myself. Any tips on that strategy? Sometimes I don't feel totally emotionally honest because I'm not speaking clearly, and then I generalize it out that I'm not behaving honorably. And plenty of times I've been told by exA that I wasn't being clear...so maybe that's the emotional dishonesty. Don't know for sure. I DO know that my intentions have been of the highest and best good and that I've tried as hard as I can in this relationship, and the previous ones. Thanks for the reminder to keep the focus on myself, and do as GL said, close off the avenues to exA's ability to access my life. It does feel better to have told the kids, to have sent the e-mail. The doors are closing to my exA...and windows are opening to other ways of living b/c my supports have been there. An Alanon friend sent me a TM today that said, "It's always darkest before the dawn." Another good reminder.
It feels unbelievably bad to have the worst assumed of me when I'm truly extending some of the very best of myself. I'm sitting with the pain and acknowledging that this is hard work. I'm not harboring resentments, I'm not rageful or vengeful, but I'm terribly, terribly sad. And I want that taste of serenity back--I really felt it not long ago. At least now I know I CAN feel it...which is a miracle, right?
posie
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
It feels unbelievably bad to have the worst assumed of me when I'm truly extending some of the very best of myself.
It's taught me SO much about where our self worth lies, as women. Men don't ***** foot around, don't tiptoe around each others feelings and get right to work.
So I'm working on creating a balance within myself between being a woman-- a life-giving mother, loving sister, and at times tender hearted daughter--and being as hard working, self validating and unemotional as a man. Just the facts ma'am. No emotion needed here.
Yes, we are the life givers. We give birth to the human race and stand witness to the horrors on the earth. We feel pain when others experience it.
And yet, we can also neglect our own souls. Mistreat ourselves. Mistrust ourselves.
You know you're extending your very best. When that's done without expectation, if you can act in good faith and then release attachment to outcome, you'll shed some of this disappointment.
Give yourself the props, Sister. Turn it on and give yourself the love and approval you're looking for from him.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
It feels unbelievably bad to have the worst assumed of me when I'm truly extending some of the very best of myself
If it helps at all, he is the only one who is assuming the worst of you, if he's thinking of you at...Mr. "I'm so single now". Your children certainly don't assume the worst of you. Your friends are not assuming the worst of you. Of course, WE are not assuming the worst of you.
As you've said already in this thread, you are going through some very sticky stuff here. It is very easy to get mired in what you think he is thinking of you in all of this. Would it shock you to know that he is probably not thinking anything that matters in the least way?? He is thinking of himself while you are only thinking of him. So who's thinking of you??
It was hard for me to accept that my XABF was looking out for himself and only himself. I didn't think it was possible for him to not consider me or my feelings, but I finally relented and admitted that he really did take everything that happened around him and focused on what it meant to him and to him alone. If I got a higher paying job, to him it meant he could quit working. If I got a gift of money, he was the first one to come up with ways to spend it...on him. If something unfortunate happened, he would be the first to curl up in a ball and cry how it was going to impact his lifestyle, though I knew full well it fell on me to fix the problem. There was never time for me to mope.
Just think if you weren't such a self-less person, you, too, would think your biggest concern in all of this would be to quickly update your FB status to single and start looking for love ASAP.
I think your email response to him was thoughtful and lovely. Who cares what he thinks of it anyway.
Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.....one of my favorite points to ponder.
Alice
If it helps at all, he is the only one who is assuming the worst of you, if he's thinking of you at...Mr. "I'm so single now". Your children certainly don't assume the worst of you. Your friends are not assuming the worst of you. Of course, WE are not assuming the worst of you.
As you've said already in this thread, you are going through some very sticky stuff here. It is very easy to get mired in what you think he is thinking of you in all of this. Would it shock you to know that he is probably not thinking anything that matters in the least way?? He is thinking of himself while you are only thinking of him. So who's thinking of you??
It was hard for me to accept that my XABF was looking out for himself and only himself. I didn't think it was possible for him to not consider me or my feelings, but I finally relented and admitted that he really did take everything that happened around him and focused on what it meant to him and to him alone. If I got a higher paying job, to him it meant he could quit working. If I got a gift of money, he was the first one to come up with ways to spend it...on him. If something unfortunate happened, he would be the first to curl up in a ball and cry how it was going to impact his lifestyle, though I knew full well it fell on me to fix the problem. There was never time for me to mope.
Just think if you weren't such a self-less person, you, too, would think your biggest concern in all of this would be to quickly update your FB status to single and start looking for love ASAP.
I think your email response to him was thoughtful and lovely. Who cares what he thinks of it anyway.
Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.....one of my favorite points to ponder.
Alice
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
You are assuming he actually thinks anything.
If he had really thought.......he would have hit recovery and kept his marriage.
He is on alcy auto pilot, which is.....No thinking, keep drinking.
Painful time for you right now, but it will slowly improve as you learn what a strong woman you are, til one day you look in the mirror and say, "I love and admire you", and mean it.
Of course us smarties here, already know it.
God bless
If he had really thought.......he would have hit recovery and kept his marriage.
He is on alcy auto pilot, which is.....No thinking, keep drinking.
Painful time for you right now, but it will slowly improve as you learn what a strong woman you are, til one day you look in the mirror and say, "I love and admire you", and mean it.
Of course us smarties here, already know it.
God bless
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
the things being said/done/assumed
...most if not ALL are said/done/assumed under high levels of intoxication so who cares.
Or even if he said them sober, the ppl that would hear/see/assume things are ppl we don't care about
I don't know, "who cares, he is drunk" has been a good way for me to dettach.
Nothing can be done.
Now on with living our day as best as possible.........
Hugs !!
PS
You are assuming he actually thinks anything.
If he had really thought.......he would have hit recovery and kept his marriage.
hohoh!!! loved that
Yes, ppl who choose carefully the next steps to take towards a goal are smart. Ppl in automatic are not very diff than animals in that its just abt instant gratification, filling needs.. 'survival mode'..
We aim for 'striving mode'
...most if not ALL are said/done/assumed under high levels of intoxication so who cares.
Or even if he said them sober, the ppl that would hear/see/assume things are ppl we don't care about
I don't know, "who cares, he is drunk" has been a good way for me to dettach.
Nothing can be done.
Now on with living our day as best as possible.........
Hugs !!
PS
You are assuming he actually thinks anything.
If he had really thought.......he would have hit recovery and kept his marriage.
hohoh!!! loved that Yes, ppl who choose carefully the next steps to take towards a goal are smart. Ppl in automatic are not very diff than animals in that its just abt instant gratification, filling needs.. 'survival mode'..
We aim for 'striving mode'
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Time, (self)love and tenderness, posie.
Be patient with your little-girl self. Imagine her that way, coming to you and curling up in your lap, miserably sad about the boy who's telling mean stories about her at school, crying for the hurtful things she can't seem to control.
What would you tell her? How would you help soothe her pain, and let her know she's okay just as she is?
This is my strongest personal strategy, for what it's worth.
Be patient with your little-girl self. Imagine her that way, coming to you and curling up in your lap, miserably sad about the boy who's telling mean stories about her at school, crying for the hurtful things she can't seem to control.
What would you tell her? How would you help soothe her pain, and let her know she's okay just as she is?
This is my strongest personal strategy, for what it's worth.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
