Replying here so I don't respond
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Thumper dear, I know it is miserable to be where you are "the dragonlady" for at least 1 of your kids, and I know how much it hurts.
My eldest daughter cut me off totally, from contact with her and my only grand-daughter, and it damn near broke my heart. She could not understand why I would leave her dad, as he was such a wonderful man. Other 2 daughters were not happy with me, but at least didn't bar me from their lives, thank God.
About 3 months later, youngest moved in with dad, and she was disturbed at how he behaved, so first cracks began appearing. After her marriage, ah moved in with eldest, and then the fan really got busy spraying cow muck around.
Wasn't long and I had a very apologetic and angry daughter at my door, as she got hit with the truth: truth I had hidden from everyone for years, and which was now out in the open.
I guess the kids can have their denial of what is, just as the SO's, and the alcoholic does... it is not you they are fighting, so much as the situation.
Ask for strength and patience, lots of strength and a large, economy size supply of patience, because you will get thru this, and you will need every bit of the above.
God bless
My eldest daughter cut me off totally, from contact with her and my only grand-daughter, and it damn near broke my heart. She could not understand why I would leave her dad, as he was such a wonderful man. Other 2 daughters were not happy with me, but at least didn't bar me from their lives, thank God.
About 3 months later, youngest moved in with dad, and she was disturbed at how he behaved, so first cracks began appearing. After her marriage, ah moved in with eldest, and then the fan really got busy spraying cow muck around.
Wasn't long and I had a very apologetic and angry daughter at my door, as she got hit with the truth: truth I had hidden from everyone for years, and which was now out in the open.
I guess the kids can have their denial of what is, just as the SO's, and the alcoholic does... it is not you they are fighting, so much as the situation.
Ask for strength and patience, lots of strength and a large, economy size supply of patience, because you will get thru this, and you will need every bit of the above.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
My kids had some serious anger at me when I separated from their father. Over time, and as they have gotten older, it has lessened. My therapist told me to be grateful for their anger because it meant that they felt safe in expressing their feelings to me. I wasn't really grateful at the time, lol.
As time goes on, more information comes to light. For example, at Christmas this past year, my son asked me if I missed AH since I didn't have any big expensive presents under the tree. I had to fess up that all those years the "special" presents for me under the tree came from me. I wanted them to think that he had gotten me something I really wanted, and since I knew he wouldn't, I got them for myself. Crazy, I know. My son was floored by this revelation, but I could see a little light bulb go off as he started putting things together. He gave me a big hug and told me he loved me very much. I cried. In fact, I'm tearing up right now just telling you about it.
L
As time goes on, more information comes to light. For example, at Christmas this past year, my son asked me if I missed AH since I didn't have any big expensive presents under the tree. I had to fess up that all those years the "special" presents for me under the tree came from me. I wanted them to think that he had gotten me something I really wanted, and since I knew he wouldn't, I got them for myself. Crazy, I know. My son was floored by this revelation, but I could see a little light bulb go off as he started putting things together. He gave me a big hug and told me he loved me very much. I cried. In fact, I'm tearing up right now just telling you about it.
L
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by Thumper 
Email from dh yesterday evening. I am usually good about not responding and even find it a relief to just let it go. Since the whole mess started I've only engaged one time with the emails and that was a long time ago, before Christmas. I read them in case it is about kid stuff but I only reply if there is a reply needed about the kids.
He hasn't sent one in awhile but I was worked up to begin with because he is not calling the kids when he says he is going to. He says they can come visit but then does not follow through with phone calls or arranging the visit. This is totally not shocking and is in complete alignment with how he handles everything. I know there is nothing I can do about that but my heart is breaking for them. I can see the hurt and confusion on their faces.
I have not responded but I've typed replies out three times and not sent them and need to LET IT GO so I'm blabbering to you all. I have no idea if and how much he drinks. This one is spelled correctly, short, there was only one, and coherant so I'm guessing he was either sober or close to it. That makes it worse and really sends me into orbit. I think I'm getting better but apparently not. I'm also pms'ing tons and just want to lay into him.
"I'm sorry, but can never forgive ya for not wanting to try, at least for us and mostly for the boys so they could have a mom and dad. Almost 100 percent my fault with the marriage that i know of, but 100 percent your fault for not wanting to at least try, maybe i don't know what you were up to, but the boys come 1st to me. " ETA: if this is confusing - this is his email.
I could care less if you forgive me. It isn't even on my radar.
The kids have a dad. You decide what kind of relationship it is.
I asked for counseling three times in the last three years of this marriage and you refused. You said more sex would fix everything. Dumb ass.
I still said I'd do counseling if you quit drinking and were in a recovery program but you would not do that. Even the counselor said she wouldn't do marriage counseling with someone in active addiction.
Seems to me that alcohol comes first.
&*(*)&*(&# $*()#$*($#*()#)$*()$#)@@#!@&^)%^# !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by Duped
It's funny, mine was always going on about how I didn't even want to 'try'......that started almost immediately after I began detaching and still comes up from time to time. Really what they mean is they are bemoaning the fact that we refuse to be manipulated anymore. Blame shifting etc.....the usual crap. Mine has been trying to engage me for some time now but it's not working.
It will get to the point that you won't engage anymore simply because it's too draining.
Some days I really want to lay into mine as well, but all that would do is cause me to fall into my ex's trap and give her fodder to use against me, so I say nothing
"I'm sorry, but can never forgive ya for not wanting to try, at least for us and mostly for the boys so they could have a mom and dad."
GUILT TRIPPING
Almost 100 percent my fault with the marriage that i know of, but 100 percent your fault for not wanting to at least try, maybe i don't know what you were up to, but the boys come 1st to me. "
BLAME SHIFTING/TWISTING THE FACTS
This makes me want to puke just reading it as it is exactly what my ex tries to pull all the time.
It will get to the point that you won't engage anymore simply because it's too draining.
Some days I really want to lay into mine as well, but all that would do is cause me to fall into my ex's trap and give her fodder to use against me, so I say nothing
"I'm sorry, but can never forgive ya for not wanting to try, at least for us and mostly for the boys so they could have a mom and dad."
GUILT TRIPPING
Almost 100 percent my fault with the marriage that i know of, but 100 percent your fault for not wanting to at least try, maybe i don't know what you were up to, but the boys come 1st to me. "
BLAME SHIFTING/TWISTING THE FACTS
This makes me want to puke just reading it as it is exactly what my ex tries to pull all the time.
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