If You're Happy & You Know It Please Reply! - When Leaving Was The Answer
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
If You're Happy & You Know It Please Reply! - When Leaving Was The Answer
The "happy I did it" thread.
When I first had my husband leave on impulse about 6 months ago. It lasted three weeks. Didn't have you guys then. I was frozen with fear. Sure life would suck being a single mother. I didn't think I'd be better off. I also had a single, overworked, stressed out neighbor whose whole life and demeanor scared the begeebies out of me. She's miserable.
Anyway, with around 250 guests trolling this board in a 24 hour period. Many may be having issues of fear themselves.
It's not so bad! It's the opposite for many of us.
So, after finding this forum and gaining some kind of faith in myself...
I'm loving it! Here's some reasons:
1.) I'm an individual again. Took him leaving to have all the gooey strings attached to finally disappear.
2.) I have this undeniable positive outlook. I feel like I have potential, for many different facets of who and what I am. = Ambition
3.) No doubt about it. I am *not* a B@tch.
4.) It's easier for me to work on self-esteem, that's for sure!
5.) Plain to see that the relationship was not doing him any favors either. I have no guilt, today.
When I first had my husband leave on impulse about 6 months ago. It lasted three weeks. Didn't have you guys then. I was frozen with fear. Sure life would suck being a single mother. I didn't think I'd be better off. I also had a single, overworked, stressed out neighbor whose whole life and demeanor scared the begeebies out of me. She's miserable.
Anyway, with around 250 guests trolling this board in a 24 hour period. Many may be having issues of fear themselves.
It's not so bad! It's the opposite for many of us.
So, after finding this forum and gaining some kind of faith in myself...
I'm loving it! Here's some reasons:
1.) I'm an individual again. Took him leaving to have all the gooey strings attached to finally disappear.
2.) I have this undeniable positive outlook. I feel like I have potential, for many different facets of who and what I am. = Ambition
3.) No doubt about it. I am *not* a B@tch.
4.) It's easier for me to work on self-esteem, that's for sure!
5.) Plain to see that the relationship was not doing him any favors either. I have no guilt, today.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Alizerin, oh, you are delightful.
1. yes, an individual, without anyone hanging onto to me, i finally peeled him off the windshield of my life and can see clearly now. yepper.
2. oh my. for a major depressive, i am almost like pollyanna now. for god's sake. i feel like everything will work out as it should, without my constant worry and fretting.
3. no, i am not a bitch. there were only two people in my life who thought that and they were my ex husbands. everyone else (including me) sees me as kind, caring, compassionate and a good person to talk to. geez. it took a while but i got it now.
4. yes, i am working the self esteem, using positive affirmations. and my teenage daughter pumped me up this morning when i was feeling down. how friggin great is that?
5. agreed, i was only keeping a hole in the dike that was like a sieve and now it is his dike. and i am okay with that.
wow. i think i love you alizerin. please have a party in maryland.
or come to michigan, i am sure you could get a good deal downtown!
1. yes, an individual, without anyone hanging onto to me, i finally peeled him off the windshield of my life and can see clearly now. yepper.
2. oh my. for a major depressive, i am almost like pollyanna now. for god's sake. i feel like everything will work out as it should, without my constant worry and fretting.
3. no, i am not a bitch. there were only two people in my life who thought that and they were my ex husbands. everyone else (including me) sees me as kind, caring, compassionate and a good person to talk to. geez. it took a while but i got it now.
4. yes, i am working the self esteem, using positive affirmations. and my teenage daughter pumped me up this morning when i was feeling down. how friggin great is that?
5. agreed, i was only keeping a hole in the dike that was like a sieve and now it is his dike. and i am okay with that.
wow. i think i love you alizerin. please have a party in maryland.
or come to michigan, i am sure you could get a good deal downtown!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
In my case, leaving was SO obviously the answer, but I was a stubborn little duckie, intent on "making it work", despite being abused daily and completely sublimating myself to AH.
for me:
1) I also regained my individuality and now feel NO SHAME at being exactly who I am, today.
2) the doom and gloom I constantly felt when I was with my AH has lifted, almost like removing a cataract from my eyes and letting me see the world as it is really: it is BEAUTIFUL and yes, good things do happen.
3) When it comes to defending my boundaries or protecting my little girl, I'm *gladly* don the Biatch mantle, because yes, I can get angry and aggressive when protecting my family and no, I feel no shame about doing this. Other than this, I'm generally a very nice girl...honest
4) I know full well that my marriage to AH was detrimental to him too...poor guy, he really needed an enabler who'd know when to shut up and let him drink himself silly (oyah *and* service him enthusiastically despite lack of hygiene). Hehe...unfortunately, this man will contine to use women without remorse leaving children and STDs in his wake. And no, I also feel no guilt.
for me:
1) I also regained my individuality and now feel NO SHAME at being exactly who I am, today.
2) the doom and gloom I constantly felt when I was with my AH has lifted, almost like removing a cataract from my eyes and letting me see the world as it is really: it is BEAUTIFUL and yes, good things do happen.
3) When it comes to defending my boundaries or protecting my little girl, I'm *gladly* don the Biatch mantle, because yes, I can get angry and aggressive when protecting my family and no, I feel no shame about doing this. Other than this, I'm generally a very nice girl...honest
4) I know full well that my marriage to AH was detrimental to him too...poor guy, he really needed an enabler who'd know when to shut up and let him drink himself silly (oyah *and* service him enthusiastically despite lack of hygiene). Hehe...unfortunately, this man will contine to use women without remorse leaving children and STDs in his wake. And no, I also feel no guilt.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
1. I have gotten back on track with my goals. The focus and accomplishment makes me feel really good
2. I spend guilt free time with my friends again, and doing things that I love
3. I don't feel bad about myself anymore; I feel really good about myself
4. I don't feel stressed out all the time. I was SO stressed out that he might drink. I felt like I had to solve all of his problems. I felt guilty if I didn't help him all the time. It's so nice to just worry about being responsible for myself.
5. I feel optimistic about the future
6. My life is peaceful. No late night or surprise fights that sent my emotions shooting up or plummeting down.
I could go on and on. It was emotionally draining and so hurtful to be with an alcoholic. I won't ever do it again.
2. I spend guilt free time with my friends again, and doing things that I love
3. I don't feel bad about myself anymore; I feel really good about myself
4. I don't feel stressed out all the time. I was SO stressed out that he might drink. I felt like I had to solve all of his problems. I felt guilty if I didn't help him all the time. It's so nice to just worry about being responsible for myself.
5. I feel optimistic about the future
6. My life is peaceful. No late night or surprise fights that sent my emotions shooting up or plummeting down.
I could go on and on. It was emotionally draining and so hurtful to be with an alcoholic. I won't ever do it again.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I have so much to be happy about. These are some of the gifts I gave myself by leaving the dysfunctional dance I was in.
1) I love to come home. I have no anxiety at home anymore. None. Huge shift. In the very beginning the counselor asked me if I felt like I was walking on egg shells. I said no. She kept asking like she couldn't quite believe it. I had no idea. I was so mired, so numb to my own feelings, I didn't even realize it.
2) I am regaining my patience and flexibility with my children. I love them and it *feels* like it now. I can be tender and flexible because I'm not consumed with worry and responsibility for something I can't control. I'm not at the boiling point all the time.
3) I can do whatever I want to do. I can plan my day and follow through!
4) I can plan for my future both logistically and financially. What a relief!
5) I can set goals (any kind big and small) and reach them for a change.
6) I no longer have internal turmoil. I can listen to the quiet voice inside and I can act on that voice. My actions honor my gut feelings, not the 'should's' of a dysfunctional life.
8) I am free. I am free to be me. To be happy. To be emotionally safe. To protect my inner most self. I am free of resentment, guilt, and misguided responsibility to others. They were eating me alive and it was as easy as letting go.
9) I can make friends without worrying about something inappropriate being said by an oblivious half drunk person at my side. Woo! I can have someone to my house without all the drama and stress.
I'll stop there but I could probably go on
I had really and truly hit my bottom. I was 110% exhausted in every way imaginable. I thought I was going off the deep end and everything was falling apart. It was a rough few months with a few steps backward along the way but I'm so glad I stayed the course.
I'm scared to death to lose all that. I don't trust myself to be able to hold onto it all in another relationship because I still can't believe I let go of it to begin with. That is why I'm in no hurry to date at all and can't imagine ever living with anyone again.
1) I love to come home. I have no anxiety at home anymore. None. Huge shift. In the very beginning the counselor asked me if I felt like I was walking on egg shells. I said no. She kept asking like she couldn't quite believe it. I had no idea. I was so mired, so numb to my own feelings, I didn't even realize it.
2) I am regaining my patience and flexibility with my children. I love them and it *feels* like it now. I can be tender and flexible because I'm not consumed with worry and responsibility for something I can't control. I'm not at the boiling point all the time.
3) I can do whatever I want to do. I can plan my day and follow through!
4) I can plan for my future both logistically and financially. What a relief!
5) I can set goals (any kind big and small) and reach them for a change.
6) I no longer have internal turmoil. I can listen to the quiet voice inside and I can act on that voice. My actions honor my gut feelings, not the 'should's' of a dysfunctional life.
8) I am free. I am free to be me. To be happy. To be emotionally safe. To protect my inner most self. I am free of resentment, guilt, and misguided responsibility to others. They were eating me alive and it was as easy as letting go.
9) I can make friends without worrying about something inappropriate being said by an oblivious half drunk person at my side. Woo! I can have someone to my house without all the drama and stress.
I'll stop there but I could probably go on
I had really and truly hit my bottom. I was 110% exhausted in every way imaginable. I thought I was going off the deep end and everything was falling apart. It was a rough few months with a few steps backward along the way but I'm so glad I stayed the course.
I'm scared to death to lose all that. I don't trust myself to be able to hold onto it all in another relationship because I still can't believe I let go of it to begin with. That is why I'm in no hurry to date at all and can't imagine ever living with anyone again.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 136
Great Thread!!
I am so much happier now it is unbelievable. I have worked on myself and the issues that made me attracted to the exABF.
I smile all the time now
I have lost 10 lbs and actually enjoy looking at myself in the mirror
I feel at peace all the time now
No anger or hostility in my home anymore
No drugs in my home or lies
I trust myself and my thoughts and decisions.
I have actually met someone wonderful and it is amazing how different dating a non addict is...We respect each other, enjoy doing things together and separately without any questions. There is trust and a mutual caring about each other.
Basically just enjoy my life much more now that addiction is not a part of my life and it NEVER will be again.
I am so much happier now it is unbelievable. I have worked on myself and the issues that made me attracted to the exABF.
I smile all the time now
I have lost 10 lbs and actually enjoy looking at myself in the mirror
I feel at peace all the time now
No anger or hostility in my home anymore
No drugs in my home or lies
I trust myself and my thoughts and decisions.
I have actually met someone wonderful and it is amazing how different dating a non addict is...We respect each other, enjoy doing things together and separately without any questions. There is trust and a mutual caring about each other.
Basically just enjoy my life much more now that addiction is not a part of my life and it NEVER will be again.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
and a net appeared
my ex-husband used to just bring me down all the time. if i wanted to go somewhere, as a family, he'd either be a killjoy, or not wanna go. he ruined vacations, he frustrated me every single day. when i realized that i was trying to stay out and find things to do, just so i wouldn't have go home, i did it -took the leap.
then i felt like the "i am woman" song every day for months.
peace
independence
cammaraderie with my daughters when they're home
aahhh
then i felt like the "i am woman" song every day for months.
peace
independence
cammaraderie with my daughters when they're home
aahhh
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
For me... leaving was the answer... when staying wasn't an option anymore.
Since then...
1) Clouds have parted
2) When it rains I see rainbows and not mud-puddles (I'm looking up again)
3) I'm definitely smarter
4) I lost 200# of "big baby" fat
5) The sound in the background isn't moaning and puking... it's jazz
6) Love finding myself
7) Still come to SR everyday
8) Walking into the bathroom is pleasant again...smells... clean
9) Have been experiencing God winks most everyday
and
10) I look forward to another beautiful day filled with peace and tranquility.
Since then...
1) Clouds have parted
2) When it rains I see rainbows and not mud-puddles (I'm looking up again)
3) I'm definitely smarter
4) I lost 200# of "big baby" fat
5) The sound in the background isn't moaning and puking... it's jazz
6) Love finding myself
7) Still come to SR everyday
8) Walking into the bathroom is pleasant again...smells... clean
9) Have been experiencing God winks most everyday
and
10) I look forward to another beautiful day filled with peace and tranquility.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Anywhere but here...
Posts: 227
Life after the alcoholic is so much better than I had ever hoped for!
I don't have the anxiety, stress or worries that go with living with an active A. My home is my haven now. I can decorate any way I choose. I no longer have to worry about pleasing anyone but me.
No more alcohol in the house, no more counting beer cans. No more listening ot AC/DC DVD's blaring at 3am. No more blameshifting. No more chaos. No more worrying about when he'd come home, what his mood was. No more pain. No more heartache. No more waiting for him to embarrass me at a work or family event!
My life is peaceful now. I have a home where I can come and not wonder what the mood will be because of how many drinks he's had. I am pursuing new interests, building new friendships, rekindling ones I had let go, and genuinely realizing that life is so much better now.
I took the leap of faith to leave, and was scared, worried and so unsure of my decision. It was the best thing I could have ever done! I am blessed!
I don't have the anxiety, stress or worries that go with living with an active A. My home is my haven now. I can decorate any way I choose. I no longer have to worry about pleasing anyone but me.
No more alcohol in the house, no more counting beer cans. No more listening ot AC/DC DVD's blaring at 3am. No more blameshifting. No more chaos. No more worrying about when he'd come home, what his mood was. No more pain. No more heartache. No more waiting for him to embarrass me at a work or family event!
My life is peaceful now. I have a home where I can come and not wonder what the mood will be because of how many drinks he's had. I am pursuing new interests, building new friendships, rekindling ones I had let go, and genuinely realizing that life is so much better now.
I took the leap of faith to leave, and was scared, worried and so unsure of my decision. It was the best thing I could have ever done! I am blessed!
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
This may sound selfish or harsh - But, it's a fact that is going with the territory, no use feeling bad about it:
KID FREE WEEKENDS!
This may change as I know I'll be seen as the disciplinarian and dad will be having all the fun with them. I'd like us to get to a point where we can do things together. Like a Saturday at the county fair or what-not.
KID FREE WEEKENDS!
This may change as I know I'll be seen as the disciplinarian and dad will be having all the fun with them. I'd like us to get to a point where we can do things together. Like a Saturday at the county fair or what-not.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 218
It wasn't my choice to leave (I was left) but the biggie for me is:
I now have peace and consistency. Anything is possible with an active A - rarely in a good way.
These days I have some level of assurance that the majority of people in my life aren't going to drop a bombshell or create a crisis - if they do it's a rarity rather than a daily/weekly occurrence.
Living in that state of crisis and hypervigilance had exhausted me and done some serious damage to my self esteem. My energy levels are back (better than they were before the relationship, really) and I can look myself in the eye in the bathroom mirror again and smile at the woman who's looking back at me.
SL.
I now have peace and consistency. Anything is possible with an active A - rarely in a good way.
These days I have some level of assurance that the majority of people in my life aren't going to drop a bombshell or create a crisis - if they do it's a rarity rather than a daily/weekly occurrence.
Living in that state of crisis and hypervigilance had exhausted me and done some serious damage to my self esteem. My energy levels are back (better than they were before the relationship, really) and I can look myself in the eye in the bathroom mirror again and smile at the woman who's looking back at me.
SL.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: new york
Posts: 227
Having him leave was the hardest thing I've had to do. When I finally realized that I was not in a healty relationship for me or my children, it made it easier. Yes, I still love him but would I let him back? A strong resounding NO. My life is still filled with chemo and poverty but at the end of the day:
My kids are healthy and happy (happier)
I am happy (happier)
My panic attacks have gotten almost non-existent
I no longer "self medicate" myself with a few drinks
I'm not filled with worry about where he is and what he is doing
AND...................I have all the pillows and my remote control back!! LOL
My kids are healthy and happy (happier)
I am happy (happier)
My panic attacks have gotten almost non-existent
I no longer "self medicate" myself with a few drinks
I'm not filled with worry about where he is and what he is doing
AND...................I have all the pillows and my remote control back!! LOL
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: littleton, Colorado
Posts: 146
Well...now that you bring up the subject...how timely, because I dropped off the summons to him just this afternoon (he was passively "unavailable").
~Every day is a gift I open.
~I love having my house back without worrying about what he will "find" to use against me in any way.
~VAcations are joy to take with my son. No longer do I have to worry when he decides to try and ruin a vacation [I]given to him[I].
~I have the most unbelieveable soul centered peace I have never experienced before in my life-ever. Nothing and no one will ever be able to convince me to give that up again...
~After 2+ years of continuing individual therapy I am starting to recognize "healthy" behavior in those around me and behavior that I need to run away from.
~My budget is now MY budget-and I don't have to "wonder" what he will do "this time", "this day" to sabotage what I have worked so hard for in my life.
Those are the ones that come to mind. Am I in pain? Sure. I'm human-I loved this guy. I had hope like everyone and I have been grieving the last 2 years we were married and the divorce isn't final yet. However, I know that good people are out there and I am now able to "see" better, with more clarity than ever before.
~Every day is a gift I open.
~I love having my house back without worrying about what he will "find" to use against me in any way.
~VAcations are joy to take with my son. No longer do I have to worry when he decides to try and ruin a vacation [I]given to him[I].
~I have the most unbelieveable soul centered peace I have never experienced before in my life-ever. Nothing and no one will ever be able to convince me to give that up again...
~After 2+ years of continuing individual therapy I am starting to recognize "healthy" behavior in those around me and behavior that I need to run away from.
~My budget is now MY budget-and I don't have to "wonder" what he will do "this time", "this day" to sabotage what I have worked so hard for in my life.
Those are the ones that come to mind. Am I in pain? Sure. I'm human-I loved this guy. I had hope like everyone and I have been grieving the last 2 years we were married and the divorce isn't final yet. However, I know that good people are out there and I am now able to "see" better, with more clarity than ever before.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: NYC
Posts: 132
Awesome thread.
1. I'm not being tortured
2. I woke up to my own life which is actually a lot better than worrying about his
3. I have energy and the desire to fix my career, which, big surprise, suffered under all of the control and abuse
4. my friends and family relationships are improving, and I'm present
5. I am not a bitch, a brat, or "the wrong woman" to marry
6. I'm happy...so happy that even a bad day in this condition is better than my best days with the dry drunk
1. I'm not being tortured
2. I woke up to my own life which is actually a lot better than worrying about his
3. I have energy and the desire to fix my career, which, big surprise, suffered under all of the control and abuse
4. my friends and family relationships are improving, and I'm present
5. I am not a bitch, a brat, or "the wrong woman" to marry
6. I'm happy...so happy that even a bad day in this condition is better than my best days with the dry drunk
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Almost a year ago - I posted a thread "What I didn't do last nite" - this thread reminded me of that and i found it and thought I would just copy what I wrote then because I am still so very grateful that these things/actions are no longer a part of my life.
So once again - these are my thoughts on how I feel about walking away from a 16 plus yr marriage:
I thought about how my life has changed so drastically in the last few months, especially now that I am living without an A in my household - this morning I was reading the post of some of my dear friends that are still living with an active A and my heart broke for them.
I thought maybe I would share not so much what I did last night but what I didn't do last night - ONCE again not to try to tell you what you should or shouldn't do - but to give you a glimpse of what life looks like on this side of FREEDOM . . .
Last nite on the way home from work, I didn't have to stop to pick up cigarettes for him
I didn't have to deal with knot in my stomach.
I didn't dread the drive home, while at the same time trying to hurry home so as to not be late.
I didn't stand on the doorstep, wondering what would I find behind that door
I didn't deal with the fear of what condition I would find my AH in this afternoon.
I didn't have to cook supper knowing that he would pass out in the middle of eating
I didn't have to clean up a kitchen knowing when he woke up in the middle of the night he would just mess it up again
I didn't have to keep my purse and keys in eye sight at all times
I didn't have to take a shower while listening for him going thru my stuff
I didn't have to jump at every slamming car door - wondering & waiting
I didn't have sleep half alert - praying he wouldn't fall asleep while smoking and catch the house on fire.
I didn't have to be awakened during the nite to banging pots, pans, slaming cabinets, a loud TV, ranting & ravings about nothing whatsoever, or any other disease induced behaviors
I didn't have to have cell phone, clothes, shoes, keys and purse ready to grab at a moments notice - just in case.
and
I didn't have to pray God please keep me safe thru this HELL one more night.
My Life is PINKFULLY Free and I am so so so Grateful - every moment is a true blessing!!
Thanks for this thread!
PINK HUGS to all,
Rita
So once again - these are my thoughts on how I feel about walking away from a 16 plus yr marriage:
I thought about how my life has changed so drastically in the last few months, especially now that I am living without an A in my household - this morning I was reading the post of some of my dear friends that are still living with an active A and my heart broke for them.
I thought maybe I would share not so much what I did last night but what I didn't do last night - ONCE again not to try to tell you what you should or shouldn't do - but to give you a glimpse of what life looks like on this side of FREEDOM . . .
Last nite on the way home from work, I didn't have to stop to pick up cigarettes for him
I didn't have to deal with knot in my stomach.
I didn't dread the drive home, while at the same time trying to hurry home so as to not be late.
I didn't stand on the doorstep, wondering what would I find behind that door
I didn't deal with the fear of what condition I would find my AH in this afternoon.
I didn't have to cook supper knowing that he would pass out in the middle of eating
I didn't have to clean up a kitchen knowing when he woke up in the middle of the night he would just mess it up again
I didn't have to keep my purse and keys in eye sight at all times
I didn't have to take a shower while listening for him going thru my stuff
I didn't have to jump at every slamming car door - wondering & waiting
I didn't have sleep half alert - praying he wouldn't fall asleep while smoking and catch the house on fire.
I didn't have to be awakened during the nite to banging pots, pans, slaming cabinets, a loud TV, ranting & ravings about nothing whatsoever, or any other disease induced behaviors
I didn't have to have cell phone, clothes, shoes, keys and purse ready to grab at a moments notice - just in case.
and
I didn't have to pray God please keep me safe thru this HELL one more night.
My Life is PINKFULLY Free and I am so so so Grateful - every moment is a true blessing!!
Thanks for this thread!
PINK HUGS to all,
Rita
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