MissFixit

A thread about someone's significant other's habits got me thinking about living with someone. I might be different than the rest of the world, but why do people feel the need to do the gross stuff in front of there significant other. Over time I loose the desire for this person doing this stuff in front of me.

I am not attracted to a man who cannot pick up after himself or would regularly pass gas in front of me. I am not his mother or maid, I am his lover and partner. I dated men who got that for the most part, but one that didn't.

Is this just a preference or is this type of behavior something greater, like signs of immaturity, selfishness or disrespect (which is how I see it)?

Ceres

"I am not attracted to a man who cannot pick up after himself or would regularly pass gas in front of me."

Me neither! To say the truth - I see nothing attractive about living with a man PERIOD (but, of course that may change). Bleaching skidmarks - laundry in general, snoring, TV issues, stinking up the bathroom.

I will take QUALITY over quantity in my next relationship. I'd like to feel like a woman for a long, long, time. Not a mommy - Which is my issue anyway. But, I very much am enjoying my independence right now. I'm enjoying the prospect of dating - Like, actual dating not "I see a future" dating, but: "I enjoy doing things with you" dating.

I now have a girl house and I wanna keep it as such!

Oh and I LOOOOvvvveee sleeping alone. I don't miss a body at all.

Ceres

Oh, I missed the whole point didn't I? :-P

"Is this just a preference or is this type of behavior something greater, like signs of immaturity, selfishness or disrespect (which is how I see it)?"

I saw it as disrespectful. But, again, it depends on the frequency. He stopped seeing me as a woman. I stopped seeing him as a man. We weren't individuals anymore. His response was to not show any dignity around me because he didn't have any to begin with. My response was a stand-offish behavior. I couldn't stand him and I couldn't stand myself.

nodaybut2day

Option B, most definitely. If your partner isn't expected to be enchanted with you passing gas/picking your nose in front of him, leaving your dirty undies by his bedside or bleaching skidmarks (or say, menstrual blood stains) out of undies...then NEITHER SHOULD YOU! I see nothing wrong with laying down the law (i.e. your own personal boundaries) about such things because IMO, they take a toll after many years of common living.

transformyself

I think it's all about what works for you. Clear communication.

I have a "Dating Transformie" worksheet I'll be handing out to any new prospects. Yours may include a question like the following:

Do you now or have you ever considered passing gas in front of your significant other acceptable?

Do you consider your significant other a person who should pick up clothing, dishes, or other items you have left out?

Think I"m kidding? Put those on the application to date Miss Fixit. Be specific. Don't question what you already know--ensure that these needs are met. Some things are negotiable, sure, but those that ain't, own em!

transformyself

And I'd like to add:

My sisters and i were raised by our alcoholic, military father. We all fart, burp and say inappropriate things. Swear like sailors. One of my sisters can burp the ABC's. The other has me pull her finger in yoga!

Yes, we're beautiful, powerful, compassionate, successful women. Who are also very disgusting at times... Oh, and humble too.

Elsie

UGH! ugh! ugh! ugh!

This post brings up some stuff in my past!!
Things such as picking his nose and flicking what he found, not caring if he missed the toilet bowl a little bit and on occasion missed a little bit because he thought it was funny(#1, not #2, thank god!), passing gas like it was his job, huge burps with no 'excuse me' afterward.

Gross...wtf was I thinking? Why did I put UP with THAT? Glad I'm not in that anymore.

Learn2Live

I am just like you MissFix. That sort of thing truly embarrasses me and turns me off from the person completely. Call me a prude but it is just not acceptable in my presence and anyone I date knows it.

lulu1974

I agree..I dont like to hear, see, smell those thing but the truth is..when I was with my A..my stomach was in such knots because I was so nervous that there were many times I accidently let a few go and my breathe he would tell me was not pretty at times..I had a whole bunch of stuff going on when I was with him because of the stress..I am happy to say they are all gone now..I can control my bodily functions as normal. But it came to a point I had to see 5 different doctors because of an odor I had..they all told me there was nothing wrong..That odor has now been gone as well with the NC in place. So I learned my body reacts to stress and I never knew that before. And I am proud to say I can sleep without sleeping pills these days..something I needed for 15 months! But my point was sometimes when I was in bed and trying to relax, they would slip and I was horrified! I could always control those things. I wonder if that is the thing with them..they almost cant control themselves cause of all the chemicals in their body? Just a thought...

Learn2Live

I'm so glad you can sleep without pills now Lulu.

ItsmeAlice

For me, this was an issue over respect but even more so a double standard.

My ex would belch in my presence after gulping down a beer without thinking anything of it, but if I responded with a less dramatic burp of my own in response, he would tell me how disgusting I was. That's right, a man burps and it's a sign of masculinitiy in some way. A woman burps and she's just foul.

He smoked like a chimney and developed quite a smoker's hack. He would ask me a question requiring more than a one-word response, but as soon I would begin to speak he would go into a series of coughs that would curiously stop if I stopped talking. In time, I just stopped saying more than a few words stopping as soon as he took a deep breath to go on a coughing bender. He would keep telling me how he couldn't help it. I found it all too convenient that I had to talk over his coughing every time so I tried coughing when he spoke, and got a lecture from him over how rude it is to interrupt people and that I should excuse myself from the room if I was choking. Sheesh.

I often wondered if he even noticed his lack of hygene or his unsightly habits or if he only saw mine. His view of our interactions was askew at best. I shouldn't be surprised that his gross habits were miniscule in his mind and mine were just plain barbaric.

Ain't love grand.

I do wonder now that I am away from him and regaining more of my own self back each day if I will ever really know what a normal relationship feels like. At the least I can say I am willing to find out....well, someday.

Alice

Still Waters

Hmm.

My AH would actually lean over in his chair (you know, freeing up one cheek) to pass gas, when I was being a bad girl and not playing his game. Otherwise he was very respectful about it.

Other things he would do only when punishing me:

Leave the toilet seat up.
Slam the doors.
Slam the cabinets.
Etc.

MissFixit

Yuck, Stillwaters.

Still Waters

Yes, lovely isn't it?

Kind of reminds me of a poorly behaved five year old.

coffeedrinker

i was raised by a mild and gentle beethoven-loving, responsible man. i grew up believing that such exhibits are just not acceptable (if possible) and my bias was that there's something pretty low-class about those who engage in them.

i have since loosened up (my thinking, not my bodily functions!!)

i think it comes down to how we were raised (transformie) and also how comfortable the person is in your presence (a compliment in a way? i know, that's sick!) and it's also a gender thing.

so as much as i don't care for this type of behavior, i am not a critical about it as i once would have been.

goodness, transform and stillwaters, ya freakin cracked me up!

Jadmack25

Hmmm, think I have one that says it all.



God bless

CAPTAINZING2000

Just curious, how did you meet this guy?

stilllearning

Still, we call those folks "tilting farters" in my family. Keep an eye out next time you're at a restaurant (they're everywhere, honest to God).

I have way more of a problem with mess than with gas. Gas is a fact of life and when you live in close quarters with someone, they can't always leave the room. An "excuse me" afterwards is polite. On the other hand ... leaving a previously neat room looking as though a bomb has hit it - not okay. My ex had a gift for flinging dirty laundry around a room that I don't miss. It was almost as though he was marking his territory.

SL

LaTeeDa

I've resisted replying to this thread, mostly because the word "etiquette" triggers me. It brings to mind Emily Post and puritan ethics, which have no place in my life. Also, I think that dating is completely different than living together, which it seems to me hasn't been distinguished enough in this thread.

I feel like I have the best of both worlds because the man I have been seeing for the last three years spends weekends with me and we spend our weekdays in our own homes.

Having said that, I think it is unrealistic to expect someone to step outside to pass gas, lol. I know I wouldn't want to spend time with anyone who expected that of me. Bodily odors and functions are part of life. We are, after all, animals.

I also know that my level of disgust at his odors and functions are inversely proportional to my level of adoration for him. And I sincerely hope he feels the same about me, for I realize that I do not always smell sweet. Neither of us would ever dream of purposely offending the other or being "in your face" about something like that. More like, stuff happens, sorry, then move on.

As far as being messy goes, well that's just common courtesy. I do not expect him to pick up after me when I spend time at his place, and he does not expect me to pick up after him when he spends time at my place. I would like to believe that if we were to someday cohabitate, the same courtesy would apply.

L

littlefish

heeehee: this is a hilarious thread. Sorry missfixit! I know it would be extremely annoying if someone cut the cheese all the time without understanding that it is disgusting to others.
It seems like the real issue here is a man who thinks it doesn't matter if he is attractive to others or not, yet still wants intimacy and I'm guessing, sex.

I have a (non-alcoholic) friend who bemoans the fact that he can't ever get lucky sexually. He is late 50's and was only married once for a brief 4 years in his late 40's-
He won't take care of himself, has the mother of all pot bellies and is not particularly interested in nice fashion and good grooming.

Yet, he can't understand why the women aren't breaking down his door! AND he is horribly critical of women who don't meet his standards of beauty. Oh, really!
I really wonder what goes on in his head.

I think he has this crazy concept that he must be great in bed and the experience of being with him makes up for all the visual mess the woman has to put up with????
Who knows what goes on in their heads!