Really down, support anyone?
today4me
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
Really down, support anyone?
I am struggling tonight and am just plain lonely. I find it hard to understand why she doesn't call, email, etc. Last fall when I broke up with her due to trust issues, she called and wanted me back. I knew she did the entire time. This time, I feel hopeless. I had every right to end the relationship. Lies and chatting online with other men. But, I just don't understand why she let me go for them, and since then doesn't seem to care. I tried calling her last weekend, but she didn't answer. Otherwise, I've been good at NC. Still her online status, updates and pics on myspace. I just want some support and to understand why I feel the way I do. Why can't I be happy and not have feelings?
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First of all, breaking up sucks, no matter what. Nobody is happy about breaking up, so cut yourself a little slack about that, okay?
Now, did you break up with her because you wanted her to beg and apologize and change into who you wanted her to be? Or did you break up with her because she is not the right person for you? This is something you need to get clear with yourself about.
None of us has the power to change another person. If that was your intention, then you have learned a powerful lesson about control. If you broke up with her because she wasn't right for you, then naturally you will be sad. It's difficult to accept that someone we thought was a good match actually isn't. Better to find out now than in 20 years, though, right?
This part made me laugh a little:
You do realize that happiness is a feeling, too, don't you? That's the tough part about feelings. You can't have only the good ones. 
L
Now, did you break up with her because you wanted her to beg and apologize and change into who you wanted her to be? Or did you break up with her because she is not the right person for you? This is something you need to get clear with yourself about.
None of us has the power to change another person. If that was your intention, then you have learned a powerful lesson about control. If you broke up with her because she wasn't right for you, then naturally you will be sad. It's difficult to accept that someone we thought was a good match actually isn't. Better to find out now than in 20 years, though, right?
This part made me laugh a little:
Originally Posted by tpen 
Why can't I be happy and not have feelings?
L
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Because we have feelings, flyhigh. If we didn't have them, life would be empty and worthless. But sometimes the hard decisions - the RIGHT decisions - just hurt our feelings.
Some of the things people here have done to get through this difficult immediate-post-breakup stretch are:
being with GOOD friends
exercising 'til you're tired as heck
staying super-super busy
seeing a counselor
doing things for you, like taking classes or learning something amazing and new
attending al-anon meetings
studying books like Codependent No More, which address why you feel like this
writing in a journal
staying the heck away from myspace/facebook and any other place where you're still seeing her
You CAN be happy - it might just take more than a few days to get there. You've been through a traumatic experience and need some time to work through these things and move on with your life.
Hang in there. And please try to get away from her myspace presence - is that really doing you any good? Or is it just dragging you back into the pain?
Some of the things people here have done to get through this difficult immediate-post-breakup stretch are:
being with GOOD friends
exercising 'til you're tired as heck
staying super-super busy
seeing a counselor
doing things for you, like taking classes or learning something amazing and new
attending al-anon meetings
studying books like Codependent No More, which address why you feel like this
writing in a journal
staying the heck away from myspace/facebook and any other place where you're still seeing her
You CAN be happy - it might just take more than a few days to get there. You've been through a traumatic experience and need some time to work through these things and move on with your life.
Hang in there. And please try to get away from her myspace presence - is that really doing you any good? Or is it just dragging you back into the pain?
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
i think down the road a piece you'll be thankful she wasn't calling. you just haven't broken free yet, but you will.
i think she is not contacting you, because she has found other things to fill herself up with.
idk..... my addict is feeling incredibly blue and he just isolates when he is lonely, depressed or feels rejected by a really awesome woman who just told him she can't be his girlfriend anymore. perhaps she's not in as great a place as you seem to think?
as hard as it is, we have to sit with the lonlieness, don't we? cuz if we do things to distract ourselves from what we're feeling, well that's what the addict does too. so they don't have to deal.
it's painful, scary and lonely. but temporary. one foot in front of the other, tpen.
you do it, and i will too.
i think she is not contacting you, because she has found other things to fill herself up with.
idk..... my addict is feeling incredibly blue and he just isolates when he is lonely, depressed or feels rejected by a really awesome woman who just told him she can't be his girlfriend anymore. perhaps she's not in as great a place as you seem to think?
as hard as it is, we have to sit with the lonlieness, don't we? cuz if we do things to distract ourselves from what we're feeling, well that's what the addict does too. so they don't have to deal.
it's painful, scary and lonely. but temporary. one foot in front of the other, tpen.
you do it, and i will too.
today4me
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
Now, did you break up with her because you wanted her to beg and apologize and change into who you wanted her to be? Or did you break up with her because she is not the right person for you? This is something you need to get clear with yourself about.
I would say the first reason was the key one.
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Originally Posted by tpen
I broke up with her because I wanted her to apologize for what she was doing.
At least, I hope so. Because I spent 20 years of my life trying to control my husband before I learned--I am not that powerful.
GL gave you a very good list to look at. Tops on that list for me was "see a counselor." It really, really helped.
L
today4me
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
So that's it? By doing that (breaking up with her because she was online chatting with other men, and when asked to be on her friend list, she denied me) I was controlling her? I believe you in a way, but if two people love each other, don't they overcome all obstacles?
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Originally Posted by tpen
but if two people love each other, don't they overcome all obstacles?
Sometimes, two people just don't fit together. Even when there is love.
Controlling is about trying to change the very nature of the other person in order to "make" them fit. Like jamming a square peg into a round hole.
She is obviously not willing to "overcome all obstacles." I don't believe any amount of controlling can change that. Sorry, I know it hurts.
L
today4me
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
Control.....I would like to think of it has building a relationship. If we never voice our frustrations or unhappiness and just live with being wronged/hurt that is worse, isn't it?
I'm suprised by your reponses, however, I have to read and process them. I thank you for speaking your mind on it.
Most other posts I have received on this A issue point to them wanting to manipulate us and ofcourse they run and have a party when they don't get their way. I thought I did the right thing as I was sensing lies and A to be a bigger issue.
Definetely puzzled....
I'm suprised by your reponses, however, I have to read and process them. I thank you for speaking your mind on it.
Most other posts I have received on this A issue point to them wanting to manipulate us and ofcourse they run and have a party when they don't get their way. I thought I did the right thing as I was sensing lies and A to be a bigger issue.
Definetely puzzled....
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
I broke up with her because I wanted her to apologize for what she was doing. Second, I was upset with not receiving any affection over the last year. Third, observing her lying to daughter and mother about drinking a glass of wine - created trust issues. Lastly, red flags she threw up when I wanted to move down there.
Soooo.... exactly what were you getting out of the relationship?
We all know what it's like to go through a break up, the pain, the internalizing our self worth because they don't call or they've moved on.
Your first reason really struck me because I wanted the exact same thing...an apology. So I have held on to that wanting closure, and when I finally got the proof of the lie, of course it was just denied and turned around on me anyway. That's what active addicts do.
And I had to deal with the pain that came from that just recently all because I simply wanted an apology that will never be given.
So the answer is you have to be ok with yourself. She is not going to complete you. She is not going to make you happy. It sounds like she has made you pretty miserable so far.
My XA made me miserable too. But I wanted a relationship so bad that I overlooked ALL of the signs that he did not want to be with me.
There is nothing I can do about that.
There is still pain. But we work through it. And you will too.
I'm so sorry you are hurting. I think you know that the best thing to do is to NOT look at myspace, fb or whatever internet avenues you have with her.
What you are feeling is completely natural. It's called the grief process and everyone gets through it at their own pace.
Hugs
Soooo.... exactly what were you getting out of the relationship?
We all know what it's like to go through a break up, the pain, the internalizing our self worth because they don't call or they've moved on.
Your first reason really struck me because I wanted the exact same thing...an apology. So I have held on to that wanting closure, and when I finally got the proof of the lie, of course it was just denied and turned around on me anyway. That's what active addicts do.
And I had to deal with the pain that came from that just recently all because I simply wanted an apology that will never be given.
So the answer is you have to be ok with yourself. She is not going to complete you. She is not going to make you happy. It sounds like she has made you pretty miserable so far.
My XA made me miserable too. But I wanted a relationship so bad that I overlooked ALL of the signs that he did not want to be with me.
There is nothing I can do about that.
There is still pain. But we work through it. And you will too.
I'm so sorry you are hurting. I think you know that the best thing to do is to NOT look at myspace, fb or whatever internet avenues you have with her.
What you are feeling is completely natural. It's called the grief process and everyone gets through it at their own pace.
Hugs
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I'm not saying you did the wrong thing breaking up with her. You don't deserve to be lied to and cheated on.
What I'm saying is that maybe you broke up with her in order to change her, rather than breaking up with her because you don't deserve to be lied to and cheated on.
You have every right to not be with a person who disrespects you. What you don't have is power to change her into a person who does respect you.
L
What I'm saying is that maybe you broke up with her in order to change her, rather than breaking up with her because you don't deserve to be lied to and cheated on.
You have every right to not be with a person who disrespects you. What you don't have is power to change her into a person who does respect you.
L
today4me
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
Thanks LaTeeDa as that rings softer and clearer to me what you said. I have always wanted respect, love and kindness.
I remember when I first was married we chose Corinthian I Ch. 13 4: Love is patient, kind....it does not envy. In the end that is what I want from a woman in the best and worst of times. Back then it was just a verse, now it is my aim in life!
I remember when I first was married we chose Corinthian I Ch. 13 4: Love is patient, kind....it does not envy. In the end that is what I want from a woman in the best and worst of times. Back then it was just a verse, now it is my aim in life!
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Quote (( but if two people love each other, don't they overcome all obstacles? ))
If love is mutual, they generally try to overcome any obstacles, yes.
Unfortunately it appears to me, that while you loved your GF, she doesn't seem to have returned those feelings towards you. You want her to contact you, say she is sorry and give you the love and respect she did not give you before.
I am sorry, flyhigh....but I fear you may never receive what you want from her, whether she contacts you or not. This may be very upsetting to you, but never-the-less it is a possibility and you may need to face the fact that, when you broke it off, and told her to go.....she went.
I am worried that you have built your world around her, instead of building your world around your needs, wants and what is best for you. Don't neglect using all you can to strengthen and grow as a whole person....it is nice to have someone close, but one should be a whole person by themselves, not needing another to complete them.
I hope things become easier and happier for you, soon.
God bless
If love is mutual, they generally try to overcome any obstacles, yes.
Unfortunately it appears to me, that while you loved your GF, she doesn't seem to have returned those feelings towards you. You want her to contact you, say she is sorry and give you the love and respect she did not give you before.
I am sorry, flyhigh....but I fear you may never receive what you want from her, whether she contacts you or not. This may be very upsetting to you, but never-the-less it is a possibility and you may need to face the fact that, when you broke it off, and told her to go.....she went.
I am worried that you have built your world around her, instead of building your world around your needs, wants and what is best for you. Don't neglect using all you can to strengthen and grow as a whole person....it is nice to have someone close, but one should be a whole person by themselves, not needing another to complete them.
I hope things become easier and happier for you, soon.
God bless
today4me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
You are exactly right and spot on! I will take full responsibility for building my world around hers. She even said "you need more friends and a social life". I have to assume that was a strain on her. I do know and feel strongly about this though - that my love, respect and kindness was not returned.
Reading all the posts on here it seems that is a characteristic of A personality. I'm going to my second Al Anon meeting tomorrow. Hoping to change me only, nothing else. Hoping for anything other than that is setting myself up for a letdown. So, these posts have been an instrumental part of my life in making me aware that I need to put myself first! I have never done that my entire life.......Thank you so much to everyone thus far for the support.
tpen
Reading all the posts on here it seems that is a characteristic of A personality. I'm going to my second Al Anon meeting tomorrow. Hoping to change me only, nothing else. Hoping for anything other than that is setting myself up for a letdown. So, these posts have been an instrumental part of my life in making me aware that I need to put myself first! I have never done that my entire life.......Thank you so much to everyone thus far for the support.
tpen
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Location: minneapolis, mn
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hey tpen,
i just want to echo what lateeda said. in her last post, she made a really good distinction.
did you go to that alanon meeting? it does take awhile for it to start feeling less weird and more right.
i just want to echo what lateeda said. in her last post, she made a really good distinction.
did you go to that alanon meeting? it does take awhile for it to start feeling less weird and more right.
today4me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
Yes, I just got back from the Al Anon meeting. My second one!! It was good, I cried when I spoke up, but I got through it. I know that I can detach from her and still love her. As I've told all of you before - all I hear from HP when I pray is patience. So I just have to take one day at a time and know that it is ok to still love her.
In the past I've wanted the feelings to disappear so I can move on in life. However, it is a process that slowly needs to occur to completely heal. In the meantime, I am focusing on myself for the first time in my life.
Success story #1: at work staff schedules have been abused when trying to get Friday off. Usually I am always asking, or making sure nobody is upset with me for what I'm doing. Last Friday I simply told boss I had my 40 hours in and was leaving. His reaction was surprised that day, but today he came into my office to discuss and the entire office schedule is going to be redone to accomodate everyone's desire to have Friday off. Long story short - if I had done nothing and not put my foot down it would of continued.
Blessings to everyone tonight I am feeling proud.
In the past I've wanted the feelings to disappear so I can move on in life. However, it is a process that slowly needs to occur to completely heal. In the meantime, I am focusing on myself for the first time in my life.
Success story #1: at work staff schedules have been abused when trying to get Friday off. Usually I am always asking, or making sure nobody is upset with me for what I'm doing. Last Friday I simply told boss I had my 40 hours in and was leaving. His reaction was surprised that day, but today he came into my office to discuss and the entire office schedule is going to be redone to accomodate everyone's desire to have Friday off. Long story short - if I had done nothing and not put my foot down it would of continued.
Blessings to everyone tonight I am feeling proud.
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Originally Posted by tpen
when I first was married we chose Corinthian I Ch. 13 4: Love is patient, kind....it does not envy.
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
My whole definition and what I thought love was has been thrown out the window.
Love to me is something we do. So, we could ask ourselves "Does this person love me?" with that in mind. We can also ask ourselves "Do I love this person?" If we/they arn't doing love. I guess the next question would be "Am I capable of loving this person?" "Is this person capable of loving me"?
Mine was not capable of loving me. I lost the capability to love him back.
I'm hoping my next experience with love can be mature enough to have it be a choice. Not so emotion driven. The choice to say to myself "Yes, this person has the qualities and integrity I desire in a companion". Then, to Make the choice to go ahead and fall head over heels and get all the wonderful romantic feelings that go with it. <sigh>
Love to me is something we do. So, we could ask ourselves "Does this person love me?" with that in mind. We can also ask ourselves "Do I love this person?" If we/they arn't doing love. I guess the next question would be "Am I capable of loving this person?" "Is this person capable of loving me"?
Mine was not capable of loving me. I lost the capability to love him back.
I'm hoping my next experience with love can be mature enough to have it be a choice. Not so emotion driven. The choice to say to myself "Yes, this person has the qualities and integrity I desire in a companion". Then, to Make the choice to go ahead and fall head over heels and get all the wonderful romantic feelings that go with it. <sigh>
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Originally Posted by tpen
Corinthian I Ch. 13 4: Love is patient, kind....it does not envy. In the end that is what I want from a woman in the best and worst of times. Back then it was just a verse, now it is my aim in life!
She just wasn't this -- I think you know she wasn't this.
This is the relationship you want -- and the one you had was never going to be this.
And you'd never ever find it if you were still playing her games.
It's so hard, though. So hard.
But honest to g*d, it does get better when you take a deep breath, turn your back and completely walk away, to open yourself to the relationship you talk about above.
I swear it does get easier. You've just got to let her go before it will start feeling that way.
Success story #1: at work staff schedules have been abused when trying to get Friday off. Usually I am always asking, or making sure nobody is upset with me for what I'm doing. Last Friday I simply told boss I had my 40 hours in and was leaving. His reaction was surprised that day, but today he came into my office to discuss and the entire office schedule is going to be redone to accomodate everyone's desire to have Friday off. Long story short - if I had done nothing and not put my foot down it would of continued.
Blessings to everyone tonight I am feeling proud.
Blessings to everyone tonight I am feeling proud.
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