Really down, support anyone?
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Congratulations on going to your second alanon meeting tpen!
Hopefully you have begun an amazing journey of self-discovery.
But, it can be challenging: when we begin to piece together the puzzle of our codependency, it is often quite a surprise to learn some things about ourselves.
When my sponsor in AA first started pointing out my codependent behavior with my alcoholic brothers, no, I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to see where I was a "fixer" or a "controller" with them.
But, now it is a relief to know that I don't have to just react to them, I can respond. I can step back from my reactions to situations and ask myself what my motives are, what is my role in the situation.
Before, I was in the dark and didn't understand my own behavior.
For the first time in my life I understand the question: "Who are you?"
I never knew why someone would even ask that. I always thought I knew who I was. What an awakening to realize that I didn't know who I was at all!
Hopefully you have begun an amazing journey of self-discovery.
But, it can be challenging: when we begin to piece together the puzzle of our codependency, it is often quite a surprise to learn some things about ourselves.
When my sponsor in AA first started pointing out my codependent behavior with my alcoholic brothers, no, I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to see where I was a "fixer" or a "controller" with them.
But, now it is a relief to know that I don't have to just react to them, I can respond. I can step back from my reactions to situations and ask myself what my motives are, what is my role in the situation.
Before, I was in the dark and didn't understand my own behavior.
For the first time in my life I understand the question: "Who are you?"
I never knew why someone would even ask that. I always thought I knew who I was. What an awakening to realize that I didn't know who I was at all!
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Congratulations on going to your second alanon meeting tpen!
You have begun an amazing journey of self-discovery.
But, it can be challenging: when we begin to piece together the puzzle of our codependency, it is often quite a surprise to learn some things about ourselves.
When my sponsor in AA first started pointing out my codependent behavior with my alcoholic brothers, no, I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to see where I was a "fixer" or a "controller" with them.
But, now it is a relief to know that I don't have to just react to them, I can respond. I can step back from my reactions to situations and ask myself what my motives are, what is my role in the situation.
Before, I was in the dark and didn't understand my own behavior.
For the first time in my life I understand the question: "Who are you?"
I never knew why someone would even ask that. I always thought I knew who I was. What an awakening to realize that I didn't know who I was at all!
You have begun an amazing journey of self-discovery.
But, it can be challenging: when we begin to piece together the puzzle of our codependency, it is often quite a surprise to learn some things about ourselves.
When my sponsor in AA first started pointing out my codependent behavior with my alcoholic brothers, no, I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to see where I was a "fixer" or a "controller" with them.
But, now it is a relief to know that I don't have to just react to them, I can respond. I can step back from my reactions to situations and ask myself what my motives are, what is my role in the situation.
Before, I was in the dark and didn't understand my own behavior.
For the first time in my life I understand the question: "Who are you?"
I never knew why someone would even ask that. I always thought I knew who I was. What an awakening to realize that I didn't know who I was at all!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 218
Tpen this struck me:
I would like to think of it has building a relationship.
You can't do that by yourself. And say you were (both) building a relationship - think of it as a wall. The foundations of that wall have to be honesty, respect and trust. In most cases, in my experience (and I'm a recovering alcoholic) active alcoholism negates all those things. So if you kick out those foundations, how you going to build your wall?
Alanonics/codependents spend years and years trying to build a whole wall by themselves when the disease just keeps kicking those foundations out from under them. It's heartbreaking and totally futile.
I've been in your shoes - less than a year ago. For me, I had to detach and really accept that the relationship was over. Then there was grief (so painful). Then anger. Then I really got down to the nuts and bolts of beginning to look at -my- stuff. Just about to start my step four in alanon. One two and three saved my bacon.
I promise you it does get easier.
SL
I would like to think of it has building a relationship.
You can't do that by yourself. And say you were (both) building a relationship - think of it as a wall. The foundations of that wall have to be honesty, respect and trust. In most cases, in my experience (and I'm a recovering alcoholic) active alcoholism negates all those things. So if you kick out those foundations, how you going to build your wall?
Alanonics/codependents spend years and years trying to build a whole wall by themselves when the disease just keeps kicking those foundations out from under them. It's heartbreaking and totally futile.
I've been in your shoes - less than a year ago. For me, I had to detach and really accept that the relationship was over. Then there was grief (so painful). Then anger. Then I really got down to the nuts and bolts of beginning to look at -my- stuff. Just about to start my step four in alanon. One two and three saved my bacon.
I promise you it does get easier.
SL
today4me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
Originally Posted by stilllearning 
Tpen this struck me: You can't do that by yourself. And say you were (both) building a relationship - think of it as a wall. The foundations of that wall have to be honesty, respect and trust. In most cases, in my experience (and I'm a recovering alcoholic) active alcoholism negates all those things. So if you kick out those foundations, how you going to build your wall?
Where I struggle though is I feel she wanted a life with me, but just couldn't win the battle.
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