Ceres

"Hey Alizerin: You're fine Girl. Stop analyzing the daylights out of everything."

hee, hee - Well I am codependent donthca know!


You're right. I'm lazy, lazy. Will hop on it. There I just committed myself. ;-)

Ceres

ME: "You're right. I'm lazy, lazy. Will hop on it. There I just committed myself. ;-)"

Tomorrow, I will hop on it tomorrow! :-D

transformyself

I didn't say you were lazy! Oh no. I said you need a job.

Ceres

ha ha, okie.

Ceres

For a couple of screwed up chicks - we're doing okay! :-)

lulu1974

THank you transform for your open honesty..Being new this helped so much..I was having a bit of a bad day but then when I thought about what you wrote it helped me...I thought to myself ..Why do I miss a guy would did nothing for me? Let someone else have him and the non nookie life they will lead..I actually have a chance to find someone who will be intimate with me...If only I can make peace with not burning in hell..I have a chance to go out and got someone great. Even though this has little to do with you post, it made me think about my situation and where I stand..So thanks so much for this. xoxo

ElegantlyWasted

For stuff like this (I have plenty myself); I look at the Tao of it. Betting yourself too much can actually be counter productive. Yeah; it happened, so now what... hmmmm don't drink and don't hang out with crazy people (people who have fundamentally different values than you)? Took me a while to figure it out and while not pefect it works pretty darn well! No chastism from me, just an appreciation of the positive action you took.

transformyself

Oh no. This has everything to do with my post. Or, at least my life.
Lucky for my I have no catholic guilt, but I did have huge self esteem issues from living with someone who disrespected me for so long. As does he, from living with a raging lunatic for so long.

When I ditched the guy I was dating, I literally thought, "there are 30 guys who will cook for me, feed me, love me up and WONT be inclined to rage about certain things."

I call this the "Abundance" rule. Part of what has kept me from moving on in my life was the "Scarcity Principle" or the belief that no one would want me. I couldn't do any better, I was terrified AH would give someone else all the best parts of him.

What an amazingly screwed up way of living.

Despite slipping, sleeping with AH about every 3 or 4 months, I still am working fervently on myself, on focusing on myself. What do I want? What is important to me? How do I feel? How do I want to feel?

That's step one. Next comes another series of questions. Once I know what I want, who I want to be, i ask, How am I going to attract and create the life/friends/family/job/lovers that I want?

Then, do it.

With all the time I had left over from not obsessing about AH, I've taken giant strides in creating the life I want.

And, that includes knowing my worth. Of course AH wants to reconcile. He wants some of the person I've become.

This ground I've gained isn't erased by my codie slips. And I'm not lying about my growth as Gerry intimated. (Good thing living with my AH taught me how to asses a situation and determine if what someone says about me is true or not, or there are those who might succeed in planting seeds of self doubt and shame)

I can feel and articulate the changes I've made, simply by constantly returning to my own breath.

And likewise, you not only can find, but deserve a loving partner. I safe, secure life.

I'm not qualified to comment on your "hell" fears, as I do not believe in such a place, except what he can experience here in this lifetime.

We're the only animals that punish ourselves repeatedly for the same mistake. Each time we remember something, we create shame and guilt. Thousands of times. For years.

Isn't that Hell? Eternal damnation and punishment? And this is done by our own hands.

coffeedrinker

well i do feel that we were misled.

but!

who among us has never spoken about their life, their process, their progress, and left bits and pieces out?

i completely understand the magnetic draw that can exist between two people. i remember one post in which transform said that his hands used to drive her crazy. this is powerful stuff to say no to.

it IS a process, we DONT do it perfectly. but we get up, brush ourselves off, and LEARN what to do the next time it comes up. oops, i mean...the next time it happens...i mean, something similar falls into our laps. i mean...





THANK YOU FOR YOUR POST TRANSFORM

GiveLove

LaTeeDa

No, it isn't. My counselor told me that once you open that door into recovery, it's nearly impossible to close it again. Like there is a foot permanently wedged in it and, try as you might, you just can't close it.

The only other thing I will comment on is that I have heard too many times to ignore--marriage counseling is useless until the addiction is addressed. If it's to be "divorce counseling" in an effort to address how to minimize the damage to the children, then that should be understood by both parties--and the counselor--from the start.

L

lulu1974

"I call this the "Abundance" rule. Part of what has kept me from moving on in my life was the "Scarcity Principle" or the belief that no one would want me. I couldn't do any better, I was terrified AH would give someone else all the best parts of him. "

This is allllllllllll of my fears transform. This is the turmoil every minute of every day for me.
He once told me no one else would put up with me and i believed him and it stuck in my head.
Transofrm, i feel you crawled into my head and dug through the garbage in there and found the detective part of my though process. You just posted the scariest feeling in my life.
You gave me the chills because you had the same thoughts. I am floored..

transformyself

Coffee
THANK YOU for reminding me of this. I never feel this way anymore. I feel like I"m not in love with him, or at least not in desperation with him. Even sleeping with him that last time was not as "intense" as it always has been.

And lulu, I was so jealous, so afraid for so long. To have this emotional freedom from him is seriously a miracle. But i made it happen, and so can you.

And LTD--If I go to counceling, and I haven't agreed or denied at this point, the first thing I'll be asking is if that person understands alcoholism, codependance, PTSD and infidelity. Cause we could potentially talk about all those things.

At the very least, we'll be discussing alcoholism, because if I do go, it may be to mediate a peaceful divorce. But, like I said, I don't know if I want to go yet.

I have other things to think about and do. This next week will be brutal at work, and then next weekend is my cousins bachelorette party. I have much work, and partying, to do...

BuffaloGal

Oh, TF, thank you for reminding me of a basic truth about secrets: they're way more horrible to the secret-keeper than they are to the general public. I don't disapprove of your actions... I'm sorry you had to learn a lesson in virology this way, but I'm not horrified or anything and I think you're doing just fine at Life.

Before we were divorced, I slept with my then-separated-from husband from time to time... latex free. Coulda ended up with another baby. We didn't, though, and it was a darn sight better than it was when we lived together, too.

transformyself

There's something I hadn't considered! Thanks!

gerryP

transform,

This is all I'm going to say and then I am done here for good. Reality check, not confrontational.

Yesterday 9:06 am "I screwed up and lied to all of you."

Yesterday 10:12 am " I don't think you are confused, I think your calling me a liar."

Ceres

One would have to read the thread in it's entirety to get the whole big picture, I think. Basically, this isn't a lie so much as the sin of omission.

However, it seems to me, that an STD pretty much slaps one straight into reality like it or not! It's a hard issue to talk about - Especially in a public forum, on the internet, where nothing EVER, EVER, goes away. Once you say it online - It's there permanently.

transformyself

jesus Gerry

This is you calling me a liar specifically regarding my posts detailing personal growth and success in moving forward.

Yes, I screwed up, yes I lied to all of you regarding the details of why my AH was raging, but if you actually read this thread, you'll see that these two thing-- growth and mistakes--can and do exist in the same space.

You must have missed this post later in the thread

So, thanks for you concern. I'm fine.

stilllearning

Hi Transform,

Re: the STD - embarrassing but they happen. And you and your husband are 14 years into this dance - not surprising at all that you were intimate (yes, we should detach perfectly but it's a process). No raised eyebrows here, sister.

Re counselling - sounds like a great way to resolve things once and for all, one way or the other.

But ....

That's what I thought last time I read that your AH had suggested it and from memory, as soon as you agreed, he put on a button pushing extravaganza of epic proportions. Does he like the idea of being accountable enough to go to counseling? Possibly. Can he follow through? Hmmm. Sounds like you're in a much better place than you were a month ago. What's the best option for taking care of you right now?

Also - and I say this because it would be a "me" thing to do - do you feel like you "owe" him taking him up on counseling because of the STD?

SL.

transformyself

.

Yep. The details of interesting, to me at least. He has done this repeatedly over the past two years with the OW. Refused to not talk to her, then I say buh bye and he agrees. Each time he claims he's "done" with her and that it was just an affair and she's a (insert cuss here.)

The issue was his refusing to be kind to me when I had questions and was upset because he talked to her. What a jerk. Told me flat out, "I won't agree to not talk to her, and can't be supportive when you're triggering. We have no commitment."

Since this incident, though, he wants to go to the counseling to work out all those issue we can't work out ourselves. That, or figure out how to stay away from each other for good.

I'd like to think I can already do that without counseling, and really, even sleeping with him that once didn't put me back into a place where I was desperate or codie with him.

I think that's a critical part of the equation here. He's always been the one leaving me, and when we sleep together in the midst of that, he says, "this doesn't change anything. We're still getting divorced."

But not this time. This time, we slept together, I said, "thanks for that!" and got on with my life. Didn't answer his calls or talk to him. Went back to NC. Happily. I love my life without him.

I know this is confusing. I'm trying to sort it out myself.
I have no idea. I also have no expectations of him. Oh, other than the expectation that he'll suddenly snap and try some more bullsh1t eventually. Which will not work because I have my distance, my own life. We're still not talking, except email and I only answer those that address kids and finances.
I start EMDR tomorrow, am working my butt off at my job and getting my house ready for my sisters visit in two weeks. I'm planning a trip in May.

I just keep taking care of myself. Coming here and confessing I had omitted this info was hard, but it's also selfish for me to admit it because I want to work out this extra crap wtih him and didn't want to keep dancing around the truth. I hate that.