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Not sure what I am doing or thinking

Old 04-10-2010, 07:30 PM
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Not sure what I am doing or thinking

So, I am confused. With myself.

Afiance is sober, it's been 3 months. He has found HP and has been friendly lately. Great, but, He keeps asking me "why don't you talk to me? or listen to me when I talk with you?" "Why do you ignore me or pull away when I try to hug or kiss you?"

I DO realize I am doing these things and can't help it. I just don't want to be around him. But, why am I like this when he is truly being nice? I feel like this is all fake.

I hate the fact that I know there is beer that is in the garage cupboard but, feel that I can't say anything about it.Let it go..I shouldn't let this make me crazy-but it is since I know he is setting himself up for relapse by hiding the booze.

I want him to leave and I want to leave yet it seems like to much-I feel like I'd hurt my kids and everyone views him as such a great guy.

mmmmmhmmm...I just don't know what to think, I am just confused with much anger.
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Old 04-10-2010, 07:41 PM
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it sounds as though you have made a decision in your heart, but are talking yourself out of it. it doesn't sound like you have a healthy communication style. sometimes when i write it helps to clear things up for me. maybe a list of what is holding you back? is it what others may think, or hurting his feelings, your children?

i know what it's like to be stuck. it's often worse to live in the indecision than to make a scary or painful one.
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Old 04-10-2010, 07:44 PM
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Patience. You situation and hope is better than mine, not that you should smile. Keep your guard up like you are, but watch the actions. Time will eventually show its colors in him. Hopefully - good?
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Old 04-10-2010, 07:56 PM
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Sounds like your inner voice (instinct) is telling you something. You can't deny the booze hidden in the garage, you admit you don't want to be around him and it's like you are waiting for the left foot to drop relapse.

Does everyone know he's an alcoholic, do your kids know he's an alcoholic?

You did say fiance right? When is the wedding planned for?

I'm guessing that anger is more hurt and disappointment because you know what you know and you can't UN-know it anymore.
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Old 04-10-2010, 08:09 PM
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Originally Posted by LS2 View Post
So, I am confused. With myself.

Afiance is sober, it's been 3 months. He has found HP and has been friendly lately. Great, but, He keeps asking me "why don't you talk to me? or listen to me when I talk with you?" "Why do you ignore me or pull away when I try to hug or kiss you?"

I DO realize I am doing these things and can't help it. I just don't want to be around him. But, why am I like this when he is truly being nice? I feel like this is all fake.

I hate the fact that I know there is beer that is in the garage cupboard but, feel that I can't say anything about it.Let it go..I shouldn't let this make me crazy-but it is since I know he is setting himself up for relapse by hiding the booze.

I want him to leave and I want to leave yet it seems like to much-I feel like I'd hurt my kids and everyone views him as such a great guy.

mmmmmhmmm...I just don't know what to think, I am just confused with much anger.
I think what you are feeling and experiencing is quite normal... IMO...you are feeling nothing short of post traumatic disorder.

You say he's been sober 3 months... how long have you been in this situation? I'm betting longer than 3 months...so naturally you have more than 3 months worth of anger you are dealing with.

Just because he has found a HP does not make what he did acceptable. IMO 3 months isn't even close to creating a track record that you can believe.

You aren't talking to him, listening to him and pulling away because you are in a state of shock... just because the incoming bombs have stopped...the destruction and devastation remains. I think your response is quite natural.

You can't let your guard down because you KNOW about the hidden beer and past history dictates what happens.

Yep my exah was a very like-able guy and I still hear "crap" from some customers about how wonderful he is...blah...blah...blah. People who think your fiance is so great... probably have not seen, heard or endured what you have... so you can't place any weight in what they say.

You are confused because you want to leave and yet you stay. It is your choice. It is also your choice to continue to expose your children to potential unseemly experience of how to tolerate crap.

I believe you know what to think... but maybe are afraid of what you really want to do. You know your fiance is not "such a great guy"... you know you and your children deserve better. You deserve peace, tranquility and the possibility of a better life.

This is my opinion... I say it lovingly. Please take care of you and your children...
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Old 04-11-2010, 07:26 AM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post
Sounds like your inner voice (instinct) is telling you something. You can't deny the booze hidden in the garage, you admit you don't want to be around him and it's like you are waiting for the left foot to drop relapse.

Does everyone know he's an alcoholic, do your kids know he's an alcoholic?

You did say fiance right? When is the wedding planned for?

I'm guessing that anger is more hurt and disappointment because you know what you know and you can't UN-know it anymore.
No, only my parents know...his parents have no clue well maybe they do but do not express it. It was all hidden drinking. He does have 3 past DUI's that everyone knows about but thats about it.

Yeah, he is just my fiance and I refuse to marry him because of his drinking issues so...

My kids are only 2 and 3 years old so they have no idea..they think beer is pop according to dad.
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Old 04-11-2010, 10:02 AM
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I'm sure his parents are well aware of his drinking troubles and with 3 DUI's under his belt, it's not a hidden issue to anyone. What I have found in the past is when it's not talked about, sweep under the rug it doesn't allow US a healthy avenue to fully understand just how baffling this disease can get.

So you refuse to marry him because of his drinking so.............where does that leave you.

Is this relationship working for you today? Do you find the love, trust and caring you seek?
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Old 04-11-2010, 11:48 AM
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Originally Posted by Hammerhead View Post
I think what you are feeling and experiencing is quite normal... IMO...you are feeling nothing short of post traumatic disorder.

You say he's been sober 3 months... how long have you been in this situation? I'm betting longer than 3 months...so naturally you have more than 3 months worth of anger you are dealing with.

Just because he has found a HP does not make what he did acceptable. IMO 3 months isn't even close to creating a track record that you can believe.

You aren't talking to him, listening to him and pulling away because you are in a state of shock... just because the incoming bombs have stopped...the destruction and devastation remains. I think your response is quite natural.

You can't let your guard down because you KNOW about the hidden beer and past history dictates what happens.

Yep my exah was a very like-able guy and I still hear "crap" from some customers about how wonderful he is...blah...blah...blah. People who think your fiance is so great... probably have not seen, heard or endured what you have... so you can't place any weight in what they say.

You are confused because you want to leave and yet you stay. It is your choice. It is also your choice to continue to expose your children to potential unseemly experience of how to tolerate crap.

I believe you know what to think... but maybe are afraid of what you really want to do. You know your fiance is not "such a great guy"... you know you and your children deserve better. You deserve peace, tranquility and the possibility of a better life.

This is my opinion... I say it lovingly. Please take care of you and your children...
I really appriciate your answer, It was beyhond helpful. I read some of the sentences you wrote to Afiance because he keeps bringing up the subject of "why can't you just be happy and be happy for me"

I am glad that the feeling I have are normal! and that I am not totally crazy...
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