justsomegirl

[QUOTE=Kittyboo;2566507]So you guys got me thinking about this too

. It seems he cares for others but not for me. Hard to not take that personal... but I know




My husand is the same...we will drop anything for someone he barely knows...especially if they are a pot smoker. He has spent many hours trying to find someone pot...driving way across town because he "knows how they feel to need thier pot." He can't help his wife carry in the groceries or take out the garbgae on garbage day.

sapphire69

For my AH it is all about perception. I don't think he does things intentionally to hurt me I think he doesn't perceive that he is. When he comes home from work 4 hours late and drunk because he went fishing with the guys he doesn't understand WHY I am upset. He has never had to be accountable for his actions and he is wrapped up in himself and his addiction. He point blank says that he doesn't think he did anything wrong. I have common sense and can point out that it is common courtesy to call and say you will be late because that is how relationships work, however since he grew up in a home where his father and mother did not treat each other with that common courtesy he has no clue what that is. I am not saying what he does is right, but I can't teach him, he is NOT my child.

justsomegirl

I don't think there is just one right answer to this question...but it does get you thinking.

Anoother example of wondering if he enjoys hurting me is that a while back I questioned him on a behavior and for whatever reason, his answer was to delete me and block me from his facebook profile. The other night after he went to a gathering and left me at home but brought the dog....I could nt keep my mouth shut and told him how it hurt me and made me feel so little and insignificant in his life that he wont put me on his FAcebook. He claimed it is unreasonable for me to feel that way and nobody else would feel like that. I of course know this isn't right...But I really coulndt tell if he was trying to hurt me or if he truly thinks it is reasonable. Same with saying he is running down the street and comes home wrecked 6 hours later...he cannot fathom how this affects me or why i should even care. Looking at it though, it HAS to be a defence mechanism on their part....,..or the beer and dope talking..or a combination of it all...group hug to everyone struggling today. Peace.

Duped

Give it time, mate.

Mine didn't seem like she was trying, as she obviously wanted me to come crawling back on my knees. I think it's an ego thing.

Then she did try to get me back, but only using guilt etc.

But then she reverted back to the "I don't want to be with someone who doesn't accept me for what I am and doesn't respect who I am as a person."
I.e. "You won't let me do whatever I want and manipulate you, so you are no use to me anymore."

Duped

Ooooh. Mine did that to me. Then threw me out of her apartment and asked for the keys back for daring to say, "Hey, go easy on the liquor, honey."

Kittyboo

Oh yeaaah, mine did that to me too..... blocked me on facebook after he sent me a drunk email "apologizing" for everything.
Of course he recently said how he "tried to reach out to me, but I couldn't handle it". And he's right I COULDN'T handle it.

I suppose blocking me made him feel better and that he was the one getting me out of his life. Well, good for him. Jacka**. Yep, I am no longer blinded by thinking that there is a good side to him at all..... if there was one, I NEVER really saw it. And the good side I did see was all fake.
Sorry, just had counseling today and for all the times before when I made excuses for his behavior, I no longer feel the need to "protect" him....he's just a jerk, plain and simple.

Summerpeach

I believe that the addict's self worth lays at a level lower than most. They drown in their feelings of inadequacy and being around anyone who has any self worth feeds their deep hatred for themselves.

The codies in the life of the addict are the ones who force the addict to face their realities, Make them see who they really are. Addicts are addicts because they don't want to see who they are. Reality to them is like kryptonite to superman.
The addict will then do everything in their power to quash this "kryptonite" and if it means hurting the source, well they will do it.

Also, misery loves company and an addict can't have anything healthy and growing around them, they need to kill everything in their paths.
In essence, addicts, no matter who they are, live an double life of personality.

They emotionally torture because they feel everyone around them is trying to torture them.
The mind of a twisted addict and NO, it doesn't stop when they stop using. It's a whole mind set and I believe, never changes

tpen

Why is this? I believe mine did too. Do they want help, or get to where they can rid themselves of this life? Or, is it simply a camoflauge to appear normal and get what they want?

lulu1974

In one of Melody Beattie's books..I think it was the codependent no more one..She tells a story of a codependent woman who told her A that she is tired of all he has done to her emotionally and all the manipulation. And his response was yes, I admit those things and I did a very good job on manipulating you. and getting what I needed from you. That threw me for a loop.

Duped

I'm inclined to agree. I believe it is the mindset that actually got them to being an addict in the first place. Just IMHO of course.....but I think I've seen enough evidence of my exagf sober to see that the behaviour isn't much different when she isn't drinking, just not quite so nasty.

I didn't realise until one day I caught myself saying, "Damn, this is the exact same attitude that got her into rehab in the first place. This is the same attitude that lost her everything"....job, house, life's savings.....the whole nine yards.

Kittyboo

I can only speak from the experience I have had of course, and taking into account the similarities from others...

In my case my XA completely presented himself to be someone who he could not be. Being that the majority of our relationship began over the phone and honestly even after I moved, he kept me at a complete distance. I now totally understand why.... he knew I would never like who he really is.
When he went back to his ex, his first words of her weren't about love, they were ..."I can be myself with her, she knows what it's like to live with me..." those words were followed by .."I mean that's not the reason I love her..." (yeah ok) And he's right. She knows EXACTLY what it's like to live with him and drink with him...and she accepted that from him before and would again.
I look back and I am floored at how ambitious, driven, intelligent caring and kind he presented himself to be. And slowly but surely that all changed. He acted exactly the way he had to to get attention from me.... until he was DONE.

I was recently told by a mutual friend that he recently told him how he and his gf were going to move and he was thinking about law school....ummmm, yeah, he said that as he got plastered on the phone and by the end of the call was drunk, and passing out on his couch. A standard for him. He talks about the man he wishes he was.

Lulu - that statement just floored me. And I realize that every case is different, but I am SOOOOO glad I told him he was a manipulative liar. He can deny it all he wants, but deep down I believe he knows it. Ugh, so GLAD I am not a part of his life anymore....truly.

Duped, my XA was actually the opposite... I had no idea that all of the times we were speaking for hours on the phone, he was throwing back beers and wine...getting drunk. Quite often I could never tell, and he was always so kind over the phone. Hmmm, cuz he was drunk. To me, he has turned out to be a complete A** when he is sober. A side of him I never thought he was.

If I had an Academy Award, I would give it to him.

Kittyboo

Anvil- I can TOTALLY appreciate where you are coming from.

And in my case, I have taken responsibility for my actions, but right now I am angry, I am hurt, I am furious, and I have a right to be.

I don't think ANYONE means to be insulting to those who have battled addiction and have come out stronger and on top. Everyone who does should be looked up to and commended. It takes A LOT of work. I know I have my own self-work to do, but IMHO not as much as someone who struggles with an addiction. So it is admired.

I am always VERY honest about my feelings and what I am responsible for. But sometimes I just need to say HE IS AN A** because HE IS. He was manipulative and liar, and his actions are right there in line with what is described as typical addict behavior on any website, be it medical or supportive.
This thread was for me to vent my feeling with dealing with an addict. This is the result of dealing with my specific addict, and it is no way reflective of you or anyone else. It is HIS choice to put himself in an environment to continue to drink......and there are many many places on here where a line is followed up with .."and that's just what addicts do."

I realize the statement that was quoted was not quoted by me.... but being that I did start this thread, this is just my thought on it.

lulu1974

I agree but the way I took the statement is when they dont do the recovery? I hear even if one stops drinking the mindset is still there until they do the steps? Is that more accurate ? Because when mine stopped rinking for a while. not much changed and I hear that alot but he wasnt working the steps. I am just trying to learn as much as I can so hope you dont mind if I pick your brain on this

Kittyboo

Miss Booo!! I love that