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Is this creepy to you guys? Is he getting dangerously wacko? HI I have been no contact for two weeks. He does not call much, and I am doing remarkably well on the co dependent front.. The no Contact was broken yesterday, because I picked my son up from school(5years old), and he saw his dad walking on the street. exA does not frequent the neighborhood, is still not working, actively drinking, and he is staying with some young girl.... My son started yelling for his daddy. he asked me to toot. I gave in after a minute, and the exA turned, walked over to the car, reached in the front passenger window to the back, handed my son a flower, and continued walking away. Wordless. Not a wrod. My son was saying daddy daddy... It was creepy. He had posted on his facebook at 5am that morning a bunch of one line posts,like, "my son", "my baby boy" Then he sees him and says NOTHING. He has not seen him in a month, except for 10 minutes one day by accident when we ran into him on foot on the street. Thoughts? Am I overreacting? Was this as creepy as it seems? |
active a's do weird stuff. mixed messages, contradictions and stream of consciousness behavior was par for the course with mine. |
C-R-E-E-P-Y More than that, it's very sad. Wish there was a way to soften the impact on your son. Maybe take other routes for now? It reminded me of a story I read in AA about a man who ended up so desolate, that he lived by some railroad tracks. His young son would walk on a nearby bridge to look at him from afar. This man did end up sober. Hoping the best for you two. |
wait. i just re-read. do you think he is stalking you or your son? |
Yes Buffalo, I think it was creepy......and callous, cruel, manipulative and cunning. What a miserable, viscious and pathetic excuse for a man, to do that to your own loving 5year old son, beggars belief....... Now you know how much trust to put in what you read and see on his facebook page....absolutely none. Going for a cold shower, before I set the damn smoke alarm screeching. God bless |
Missfixit: I do think that. Mostly because I did call him after we got home. I told him that I thought what he just did was odd and upsetting. He first said he was just in that neighborhood looking at a bike with a friend. Then he said that his plan was to go to our sons school to say hi. I asked him not to do that. I asked him why he said nothing. He said he had nothing to say.(!?) A friend told me that he saw him exiting a bar right there in that block minutes before we drove by. I went to the bar today, and asked after him. They said he was acting odd, that he kept walking in and out of the bar, as if he was waiting for someone. He had been drinking. It was 330pm. I guess I just feel like he is sort of beyond the logic place. He was portraying on the phone that he has not seen his son because of me, but, I have not received ONE message in all his calls pertaining to or trying to make arrangements to see him. At this point, I still do not want to BAR him from contact with our son, but, I do feel it would need to be limited and hopefully with another person there. I am stil so sad and jarred that he has gone this far off the deep end. He also made reference to his staying at a hotel with someone or something. He is a pathological liar, so he may have been lying about trying to go to the school...He did seem surprised by us, and may have been trying to hide either the fact that he was drinking in the day, or who he was with. He just is always so shady that he is always hiding something these days. I do not know what to think. His family has all but completely disengaged. They see my son, but talk of ExAs condition, work status, pretty much anything about him is off limits. They just do not want to know. It is sad. |
The best I can say is, if you can afford it.. wait, no, if you could make it a priority... for your kid to go to a children therapist? I don't know when they can start going but I am glad your kid has YOU. Is there any kind of legal arrangement? Its fruitless to try to know the truth, and how his family treats him is very very telling about his background. I guess you are going to the same place, where you will be happier not knowing. HE can get help anytime but prefers not to do so, remember that. Hugs to you and your kid! |
Buffalo, that guy is freaking nuts. And he's clearly exhibiting stalking behavior. Passing you on the street wtih his GF. Doing this to his son outside of his school. I would file a restraining order. And why do you NOT want to limit contact between him and your son? I'm sorry to say this, but he is clearly unstable and could do more harm than good if you allow your son contact with him, as he's already shown with this latest incident. He is a pathological liar, so he may have been lying about trying to go to the school...He did seem surprised by us, and may have been trying to hide either the fact that he was drinking in the day, or who he was with. He just is always so shady that he is always hiding something these days. |
Buffalo, I'm so, so sorry about this situation, especially for your son who only has 5 year old tools to deal with this. Please remember that given his age, your son will make this "about himself". When we're born and through our early childhood we believe that we're the "center of the Universe" because it's what we need to do to protect our psyche. We personalize everything at that age...think how many times people here have posted that their inner 5-year-old is sad, upset, etc. Heck, I just posted that this morning about myself! Anyway, I think TC's suggestion of a child therapist is right on. And your own language about how sometimes people do things that we don't understand...that we can still love Daddy even when we don't understand some of the things he does...that Daddy makes choices and loves/spends time with him (your son) the only way Daddy knows how right now, and that you (and others) love him and spend time with him in other ways that might feel different than the way Daddy does. By using this kind of language you will point out how different relationships in our lives can bring up different feelings inside of us, and that it's helpful to pay attention to how we feel when we're with different people. You might also want to tell your son that it's always okay to talk about whatever he wants to say, with you, whenever he wants (as long as you are 100% okay with telling him that, and you can be 100% available to follow through even when it's not easy for you). This is the way I've talked to my kiddos through different difficult situations in their/our lives, and it's been really positive. Hope it's helpful. Thinking of you both, posie |
I wish I'd been as kind as Posie, so please insert more kindness and compassion here.. |
Originally Posted by Jadmack25
(Post 2564960)
Yes Buffalo, I think it was creepy......and callous, cruel, manipulative and cunning. He used his 5yo to manipulate you and throw you for a loop. He's to drunk, to stupid, to selfish, or to heartless (or all of the above) to see the tragedy of it all. He certainly sounds unbalanced. :c020: I'm so sorry. |
PS: I agree that the guy's manipulative, self-centered, etc., and yes, this is creepy, creepy, creepy. Especially for a 5 year old... Protect yourself & your little boy, Buffalo. You're doing great just by questioning the behavior and posting. I'm cheering for you! Hugs, posie |
After having married two AH's, and now in the process of divorcing #2, and from reading lots about alcoholism here and other places, that alcoholics are by and large unstable, and illogical. Very little that they do makes sense. They twist, manipulate, blame shift, many are angry and dangerous. If it were me, Buffalo, I'd make safety for your son and yourself your number ONE priority. I'd cease all communications including Facebook (that one was particularly hard for me). You can file for an order of protection, but not sure you'll get one if he hasn't been violent yet. Probably depends on the state laws and the judge. It's certainly worth a try. I would carry protection of whatever kind you're comfortable with. Don't stop to talk to him no matter how much your son calls for his daddy, tell him his daddy is drunk and get him started on understanding what that means. Do it gently, but I don't think it's too young to start telling him the truth. Above all, be safe and be good to yourself so that you can be your best for your son. We're here for you! Huggs, Tigg |
Remember, it's all about him. He's drinking so he's not sane, and in his head he's wallowing in the poor me, my baby, my baby boy, everyone is out to get me, everyone hates me, I'm smarter than they are, I'll show them, manipulation and lies and lies and manipulation. Document everything, every little thing. Get a journal and start writing it down. |
Still... so right on target... as always... they read from the same script. |
I dont know... While definately hard on your son and I third the advice to have him see a therapist and also see if you can get something to prohibit him from getting your son from school. But, in my experience drunks wander...especially if he does other substances as well. Nothing they do is logical and mostly to me its just SAD in every aspect. I have to say, wouldnt it had been worse, if yes hed had a few drinks and wanted to act like everythings great? What if he asked you to pull over and said something to your son about going to park or going to get ice cream? Wouldnt this have been worse? What if hed ignored and just walked away? The addicts and alcoholics I dealt with would only have done just that, what yours did when they were at a complete emotional low point. Is it possible it had nothing to do with manipulating you? I get myself in trouble for thinking to much, so I might be completely wrong. Please however, stop reading his face book pages or anything like that, it keeps you tied emotional and harder to let go. My MIL just basically said I must not care if I hadnt asked about AH. I kindly ecplained but dont care wehat she thinks that truthfully, I knew if there was something I needed to know, Id know, time hadnt been long enough for real deep changes and I had to detach a bit emotionally or Im sure we'd have been back together again, its truly hard to heal ourselves if we are all tied up with what another is doing and why |
There were many things that my XABF did while drunk/high that he would recount very differently when sober. There were a few times that he would come into the kitchen while I was cooking to get a beer from the fridge, obviously drunk and stumbling. He would have a smirk on his face, would lean in closely, snicker oddly, and then stumble back out of the room. Once, when I inquired about it he did remember the incident, but he had a clear recollection of sauntering up to me in a handsome way and saying something incrediblity witty to me. I would not be surprised if your A, in his drunken state, actually remembers the encounter as some scene like in a movie where he lovingly handed the flower to your son and said some magical words to him. Dont' get me wrong here, I think what he did was entirely creepy. The only thing that kept your child from being terrified by the incident is that he knew the strange man with the flower. You are right keep yourself and your son a safe distance. Best wishes, Alice |
Please however, stop reading his face book pages or anything like that are YOU worried about your safety? Is this why you keep track of him. I guess I should be asking you how you feel about all of this. You can, after all, trust your instincts. That small, still voice within. Many hugs |
I do not see him coming to our house, I do not see him coming around us on purpose, Well, I DIDNT until that day. I have been trying to discern whether he had a plan to run into us, or he was actually just surprised, oblivious, and feeling busted drinking in a strange(to him)neighborhood with his latest whatever he calls them(the women)in the middle of the day (he claims to anyone who would listen that he has cut his intake without help and is pushing his drinking time back every night..this is a blatant lie).He may have told me that he was trying to see our son, because he thought that was going to seem more becoming than what he was really up to, which is who knows what, and I dont care anymore. He barely ever even drives his car, which is one of the reasons he could not tolerate staying here with us as a family: He will NOT drive drunk, but is rarely sober, so he had a problem being here, as I refuse to drive a grown man around. Especially to the bar and back. This is what his "girlfriends" do. Sometimes I cannot even fathom it, but they do...They drive him around. He is that charming, at first. And when he and I met the charm was more there, and lasted a lot longer. his game is getting ragged, now. He actually looks really haggard. They eventually figure out that he is a bundle of hot air and he disappears to another young girl. In this way, I do not feel that he will come HERE, or that we will RUN into him unless I instigate that. So, for this reason, I feel safe, most of the time... Wednesday threw me for a loop. It was definitely odd. BUT...since we tried to go to inpatient almost a month ago, he has been deteriorating mentally. He became extra vicious to me over the phone and a little paranoid. Hence the no contact. In general, his game is a little more of playing a pity case than being an aggressor. I guess I am genuinely trying to discern whether he is a danger. Creepy is creepy and inappropriate and my son should not have to try to reckon with the whys of that. But I do not know if he is so far gone in his head that he would do something truly dangerous to us. I have been talking to friends, put a call into my therapist. I am asking what people who know him think about where his head is at...But he is a con man and an actor, so that is a tricky gauge. Several regular friends of his think he is still working, a month after he stopped! I do, by the way have my son seeing a therapist just once a month. He generally, in her estimation, has a solid grasp of what is going on, and is not internalizing too much. I work hard on that. I can't thank you all enough for the feedback, as usual. It is invaluable to me, and I am grateful for this forum everyday. |
Originally Posted by ItsmeAlice
(Post 2565380)
There were many things that my XABF did while drunk/high that he would recount very differently when sober. There were a few times that he would come into the kitchen while I was cooking to get a beer from the fridge, obviously drunk and stumbling. He would have a smirk on his face, would lean in closely, snicker oddly, and then stumble back out of the room. Once, when I inquired about it he did remember the incident, but he had a clear recollection of sauntering up to me in a handsome way and saying something incrediblity witty to me. I would not be surprised if your A, in his drunken state, actually remembers the encounter as some scene like in a movie where he lovingly handed the flower to your son and said some magical words to him. Dont' get me wrong here, I think what he did was entirely creepy. The only thing that kept your child from being terrified by the incident is that he knew the strange man with the flower. You are right keep yourself and your son a safe distance. Best wishes, Alice Blech. |
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