MaryGoRound

Hopefully I am able to skip all the long details. Or possibly add more later for new people and lurkers....

I saw AXBF on campus, which as you and I no, has become pretty much a guarantee every Tuesday and Thursday. Usually I either keep walking and don't look at him, or if we happen to lock eyes I just look expressionless and keep on heading where I'm going. Well today, he started walking with me. I was looking straight ahead.

Believe me I've done my fair share of passive-aggressive I don't even care hummphh *storm away* thing. This wasn't like that. I wasn't really stopping what I was doing or caring what he was saying...I feel kind of bad in a way for not really paying attention. I wasn't trying to make a statement this time. I was just protecting myself.

I knew he was up to something because as soon as I walked out of the building outside he started walking in the direction I always head - towards the parking structure. He turned towards me and started saying "I've really been thinking. I've thought a lot about ...something something ( I kind of got drowned out by my high speed walk and own thoughts)

me: kind of a laugh "what are trying to say?"
(immediately felt a little guilty cause he was trying to express what he was thinking about, but I already knew what he was trying to say...he was struggling to find words and it was funny)

him: "well I've thought about everything you said. and you know this is getting old (meaning the addiction lifestyle)...

me: "uh-huh" still walking fast (held back a screaming AND YOU'RE JUST NOW REALIZING THIS?) so proud I did. old me would have said that really nastily.

him: "and ya know this kid this weekend died...______..____" and I've just kind of realized...

me: "that's good." still walking unconcerned-like.

him: frustrated by my lack of responsiveness...."it's never good enough for you.."

me: "I never said that."

him: "its not entirely going well because I still drink."

me: "well, i guess when you've had enough...you'll have had enough"

There was a fork in our separate routes. I was wearing really fun shoes, which is kind of my thing...I would love to end up designing shoes.

him: saying from behind me "you have cute little shoes on today."

me: "thank-you" kept walking.

him: "I guess I'll see ya around."

me: "yeah see ya."



I feel proud, strong at peace. I've never felt this way! And its been happening a lot lately every time we talk. I just feel kind of bad because I know his wheels really are turning - they have been for awhile and he really does want to get help and he does care about me. I didn't mean to convey an attitude like I didn't enjoy seeing him and appreciate his efforts. I really do appreciate him expressing himself to me. I really do and I want him to know that. I'm not sure if he got that from that exchange. But when it comes down to it. He needs TONS of more time. He's only just begining to intellectually understand a lot of stuff. Now he needs to get into the action phase. So I will keep to myself until that happens. I did okay right? I wasn't mean or too flippant?

Thanks guys. I'm so happy to be able to write here all the time instead of contacting him. Normally I would try to get more out of that exchange from him or apologize, or get really hopeful. But I kind of just feel really calm. Its so weird! I prayed for myself though! And i'm amazed at how I feel!

tpen

Perfect. Wow, I mean perfect. Maybe too nice. Just my opinion. You could of said I can't talk right now and kept walking which would of kept him in the dark more. He did find out one thing - you were willing to talk to him. Hard to say. Thanks for sharing, it helps all of us.

lulu1974

Wow..awesome. You did so well!!

KeepPedaling

I don't know about anyone else, but I'M TOTALLY PROUD OF YOU! RIGHT ON! I think you did great! You did what was healthiest for you and you fought the urge to do what was right for him (I think that's what you mean by asking if you did the right thing). You did the right thing and then some!

KerBearz

You feel proud, strong and at peace... I think that means you did just the right thing. Good for you!

MaryGoRound

thanks guys. I never thought I'd make it here! And he's either trying really hard to make it look like he cares and he wants to change or he really does. Its weird. The more I become at peace the more he seems to surprise me.

very cool. I miss him, but i know I have to stay strong for both our sakes. he just may get help someday soon. But I say that not in a wishful way, but in logical way. I really think he will, but I'm not desperately hoping. Its feels more like a trust in my HP. And that's really powerful for me. i like to stay in the positive zone as far as all of this goes and I'm definitely not going to risk ruining that. I'll know when the timing is right, if it comes about.
He keeps testing me to see if I'll still be around kind of thing....or maybe its all ******** IDK. I kind of don't care. Because I believe in him and he knows I do and I can live with that. If that's how it goes down. Great. His choice! And I'm happy he can think for himself. I am proud of myself and I'm proud of him too for taking a risk. I can tell he's trying. Its so strange how I feel, I can't explain it lol.

Thanks KP your approval makes me feel really good because our situations are so similar. All of you guys I couldn't do it without this forum. really. I wish we could have one giant party for all of us. Convention, anyone?

tpen

What matters most is your heart. Sorry, if I was harder on you than the rest. I know exactly what you mean about the HP feeling. After thinking more, it's a positive stop and that is what we all want for you, him and everyone involved.

coffeedrinker

I know how you feel, Marygo

Can't really respond to anyone today - I'm in a funk BIG TIME.

Sad sad sad.

But I wanted you to know I haven't forgotten about a get together this SEPTEMBER.

Haven't forgotten.

Christine

MaryGoRound

O no coffee. I know how that is. All I can say is that it will pass. Hope you're doing better by tomorrow....

Is there really some type of get together?! How awesome!

MaryGoRound

thank you tpen. No I didn't think it was harsh. Definitely not enthusiastic, but I didn't receive it negatively. And as far as steps go...everything is so organic and takes so long...coupled with all the tricky ways of manipulating etc. its never really a safe bet.

But yes, what matters is how I feel. I feel more accepting now than ever. Hopefully I don't go through another depressed phase. I really thought I would be sad and torn up about let him choose whatever forever......but life goes on. Simply because it doesn't stop moving.