I got what I asked for...

Old 04-08-2010, 12:08 PM
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I got what I asked for...

I've had so much emotion about leaving here and finally getting away and starting over, but i've been so angry with myself for not saying what I wanted to say about him being a liar etc etc....
So I said it last night via text. He never responded to my texts in the past so I really didn't expect to hear from him this time. I was wrong.

I got a row of texts this morning telling me that he never asked me to move here, how psychotic I was to think there was anything between us, that I am clearly insane, that we were friends but I ruined the friendship and when he wrote to me to apologize for everything he was trying to reach out but I just couldn't handle it, and to stop talking to our mutual friends about him (my friends, are not his friends) and not to contact him.

I didn't make the choice to not engage, and I responded to his hurtful words with hurtful ones right back.... telling him he's just manipulative, a liar and he reached out to me because he was drunk. That he can't twist the truth around as much as he tries to.
After a couple badck and forth I just finally said I didn't read his last one, that this is all done and we've said enough hurtful things to each other now.

He sent one more, I didn't read it or respond and deleted it.

It's amazing how they can twist everything around and make you question your own sanity....even their actions you know to be true, but they deny saying it's all your fault. Yeah, the loss of our friendship is my fault. :rotfxko

Ok, I joke....but I certainly can't sit here and say that some of what he said wasn't extremely hurtful knowing that I genuinely cared about him. Yet, to him he turns that into me being psychotic.
I just need to breath now.

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Old 04-08-2010, 12:12 PM
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So......have you had enough yet?

L
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Old 04-08-2010, 12:27 PM
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*hugs* Feel you, girl. Trust me.
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Old 04-08-2010, 12:35 PM
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
So......have you had enough yet?

L
I shouldn't type replies when I'm in a hurry. What I meant was, at any point you can decide you are done. As Bernadette says, you are free in this moment. You can stop inviting him and the pain that comes with him into your life whenever you choose.

L
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Old 04-08-2010, 12:48 PM
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Kitty, I know those "interactions" and it hurts when you remember some "good times" where it seemed there were great feelings in between you two.

Anything you do or don't do, when its related to a jerk, is used against you. The only way to win is not to play. Anything at all will be twisted to protect the addiction, to keep it intact. I got sick of it all.

Now things are not pink for me but at least I interact with people who also live in reality. Its already difficult as it is, now with addiction, denial, etc its just impossible to get something fruitful.

Precisely for that Mr Hyde is why many of us go No contact and stay that way. As great as their good qualities would seem (like their extraordinary acting skills), nothing makes up for the pain..

Karate, sports etc get my anger out with the advantage of making me feel and look and sleep better.

Hugs!!
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Old 04-08-2010, 12:53 PM
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They all seem to read from the same script. It's just better not to bother. Let him live in his dreamland.
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Old 04-08-2010, 12:55 PM
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Also I happen to believe we all know who we are deep inside, so there is no need to say it out loud to anyone. In the end.. in the silence (I also happen to believe it comes to everyone as well at some point) we can't lie to ourselves, the pattern is too clear, the hurt too real.

I happen to believe, everything you think of him, he already knows, most probably he has pulled similar stuff before and is smart enough to see how no matter who is around he ends up doing the same things. (Just like I do when I don't want to learn the lesson. We are all bound to repeat the same mistakes just with worse and worse consequences until we get it. Or until we die.)

Its between him and God/HP just like your issues are between you and God/HP. You can let go. I give you permission
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Old 04-08-2010, 01:06 PM
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The problem inherent in responding to outlandish/outrageous accusations from an alcoholic is that in doing so, you are only legitimizing the b.s.

There's simply no way of fighting their crap. Anyone willing to go to such great lengths.....well, you just can't reason with them.
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Old 04-08-2010, 01:23 PM
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They have to make us the bad guy so they don't have to look at themselves.........the pot calling the kettle black.......
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Old 04-08-2010, 01:24 PM
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"the road to madness" like a user that went by "Ago" used to say.

Like my ex neighbor, a lady that yelled at me when I went out of my apartment... she helped me realize there are some people that, God knows how their life has been like so far, but got so much pain and no emotional guidance, that the only thing they can do is throw venom to others. I remember I saw her and it reminded me like a dog with rabies, no offense -to the poor dogs with rabies- very nervous and uneasy and mad and agressive.

As if there was not enough violence in this world.

It doesn't feel good to engage in those interactions. It DOES feel good when one takes the high road. Or when one goes no contact and decides not to hurt anymore, and/or be the recipient of others hurt.

All the times I have damaged another person it was not about the other person but about my own misery, frustration and pain...that's what I had to give then.....
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Old 04-08-2010, 01:55 PM
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Wow, I really needed to read this thread today. THANK YOU KittyBoo.
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Old 04-08-2010, 03:10 PM
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
Wow, I really needed to read this thread today. THANK YOU KittyBoo.
Thanks from me as well, KittyBoo. I really, really, really needed to read this thread today.

I tried extending an olive branch to my EXABF the other day and all I got in return was the same old venom.

I could go into great detail about what was said and done - suffice to say, after him inviting me to dinner to "talk" and it was assumed (by him) that he would be spending the night at my place, I have gone total No Contact - blocked his phone #'s, his email, MSN and Facebook.

Time for me to move on, move forward and embrace serenity.
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Old 04-08-2010, 03:47 PM
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Wow, thanks everyone.

I still have so many thoughts going through my head.
Well, Link, I can say that today it certainly was not an outcome of extending an olive branch, I had tried to do that in the past before too (when he never deserved it) and had been shut out. So I realize this was my way of lashing out.
The things I said were things I had been wanting to say for weeks. Do I feel better having said them? Yes. In a sense I feel I got some of my strength back. He didn't deserve for me to be fighting for our friendship like I had done in the past.... he deserved to hear me say no, you're a liar and you can't twist it around anymore.

Yes, there was certain backlash. I am trying to keep that backlash in perspective and realize he is lashing out because I lashed out first. I can't say that the things he said weren't painful. Would it have been better to not say anything at all? Probably. But it was eating at me none the less.
Of course, I have sat here and thought "maybe I did create a whole fantasy in my head...maybe I am "clearly insane" as he put it, maybe he really didn't do anything wrong...."

And that's his intention with saying what he did. And then I quickly remember the lies that he told which he avoids like the plague in addressing. Instead I was the one who "ruined the friendship". That line still kills me.

Having someone who you genuinely cared about turn around and say to you that the relationship you had with him was clearly a psychotic thing in your mind, never feels good. And to think that is really his reality and how he now views me definitely hurts.

Duped - yes. I'm still always surprised, I don't know why, at how similar they all act. No, that they all say EXACTLY the same things. Especially mine in regards to drinking and he could control it, and AA was full of depressing people and he was nothing like them...and on and on. He always held himself on a higher pedistal than everyone else in that regard, and I had very little understanding about alcoholism, so when I came here and started to learn I was just floored that I had already listened to him say the exact same things that I was reading here.

I think a lot of what I wanted to say to him came from my own issues with co-dependence. I would sacrifice saying a lot of what I wanted to in the past because I never wanted to hurt him. His feelings, his pain...all of it came before me. I guess I wanted to say those things to him that were the the truth, and do so out of standing up for myself. If that makes sense.
Without a doubt simply moving on with my life is the best way to handle things. Don't engage, and just give them to their HP.
I have some sense of relief now, mixed in with a little pain. Some relief though that no matter what he says I said the truth is the truth and there's nothing he can do to change that....even telling me I am clearly insane.
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Old 04-08-2010, 04:24 PM
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I found that journaling really helped when I needed to release all that anger and resentment I had. Big ugly, nasty CAPS with lots of !!!!!!!!! and underlines! And I didn't have to worry about the backlash or reaction because it was all just for me. I've shared here before that the journal I kept for the first several months after my separation I called my "Book of Anger." Not only did it help me avoid engaging with the A, but it also helped me not spew my anger at innocent bystanders, as well. (Like my kids, coworkers, etc. )

L
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Old 04-08-2010, 04:30 PM
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I tried extending an olive branch to my EXABF the other day and all I got in return was the same old venom.
Right. I know what you mean! Again, I am so grateful for this thread; it is really helping me out of my anxiety this evening. This is how I feel about my work situation. I have extended the olive branch to this person so many times, and each time I do, everything seems to be going fine, and I get comfortable and trusting and then WHAM!! from out of the blue AGAIN I get yelled at or screamed at or put down or ABUSED or dealt TOXICITY from this person. I have GOT to get AWAY. It's been about two years of this and why I have stayed in it, I do not know.
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Old 04-08-2010, 05:57 PM
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I totally relate with feeling the need for closure with a specific person who can never give it. It's a really hard thing. I don't even know that I got through that, because XH eventually came to his senses and apologized and is doing a lot to be a better person now. I think I just knew in my head that I couldn't depend on him for closure, and even though I desperately wanted it from him, I tried to have faith that I could reach it on my own, even if I wasn't there yet. I'd try to redirect my thoughts back to myself when I thought about what he could do or say to help me. I also think that when you have abandonment issues, these fruitless interactions just trigger those feelings even more. You will need to take good care of yourself for a while before you heal from this interaction. I would bring up stuff with XH and he'd blame me or just leave and I'd feel like I regressed back to a 6yo who wondered why she was so unlovable that her parent would leave her. I'd be paralyzed for days afterward. Isn't it sick how we seek wholeness from other broken people?

It was cruel of him to call you psycho. Sometimes they know just the thing to say to trigger our feelings of not being good enough. Sometimes they choose a story that makes what they did OK, and they roll with it. Especially with alcoholics, guilt is a huge thing. If they can do anything to believe they didn't do anything wrong, they often will.

We are here for you.
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Old 04-08-2010, 06:51 PM
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I think I may need to read this thread for a while.

Wanting, your post really struck me, atleast enough to bring tears. Not necessarily a bad thing.

That's really exactly how I have felt, in a nutshell, looking for closure from someone who will never be able to give it to me. Desperately wanting him to tell me how much our friendship meant, and that he appreciated how much I cared about him.
I do, most definitely have my own abandonment issues, and him being so cruel, yes, just once again reinforces the feeling I have that everyone leaves me, and there must be something wrong with me...etc etc.

You are SOOO right that they know exactly what to say. He knows a lot of the pain in my past, so that he really diminished the personal relationship we had, he knew would hurt me. And really for him to twist things around and try to make me feel like the downfall of "us" was my fault, well...that's just typical...no need to explain there. I think we all deal with that.
Yes, he knows he has no legs to stand on when it comes to the truth, so he does everything he can to make me feel guilty, and even question my own actions and thoughts. How smart of him. How smart of them....but we are smarter, right!

Emotions are an interesting thing. We are all so aware of what they do, I think we even know what they will do and say before they say it, yet it can still hurt every time. My goal is to connect with my own strength.
I'm watching Along Came A Spider in the background, ( I love Morgan Freeman) and he plays a detective profiler in it. He knows exactly what these killers do and think before they do and think it, and he's so calm and collected and patient......waiting for the move he knows is coming.
It's silly, but I was just thinking to myself, I want to have my emotions under that much control. To be so patient, and so sure of myself that someone else's words and actions don't phase me.
Just breathing.

Thanks guys!
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Old 04-08-2010, 07:08 PM
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From wanting: "I would bring up stuff with XH and he'd blame me or just leave and I'd feel like I regressed back to a 6yo who wondered why she was so unlovable that her parent would leave her. I'd be paralyzed for days afterward. Isn't it sick how we seek wholeness from other broken people?"

Wow. Wow. Yup, that's it exactly. Wow.

Kittyboo, thanks for this thread. You wrote, "And that's his intention with saying what he did. And then I quickly remember the lies that he told which he avoids like the plague in addressing. Instead I was the one who "ruined the friendship". That line still kills me." Yeah, those one-liners can be zingers for sure...

As of tonight I'm trying to say something kind to myself as I remember the "zingers". What can you say to yourself that's kind and gentle instead?

Hugs,
posie
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Old 04-08-2010, 08:18 PM
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Originally Posted by wanting View Post
Sometimes they know just the thing to say to trigger our feelings of not being good enough. Sometimes they choose a story that makes what they did OK, and they roll with it. Especially with alcoholics, guilt is a huge thing. If they can do anything to believe they didn't do anything wrong, they often will.
They always know just the thing to say - something that you have told them that they turn right back on you to make you look like you're the bad person.

My EXABF's favourite thing was to tell me that I need to work on my issues, to control my anger, that he was always the one walking on eggshells around me. You can't argue with twisted logic, especially from a dry drunk.

Either that, or bring up my ex husband - that was when he was really looking to twist the knife in my back. I still keep a voice mail from him from just after I broke things off (I play it in weak moments to remind me why I did what I did) in which he told my that he was surprised that my ex husband didn't take me for more than he did in the divorce, all due to my "bad karma." (??????)

Originally Posted by wanting View Post
We are here for you.
Another big hug coming your way.....
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Old 04-09-2010, 12:02 PM
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It's just unbelievable.

Well, of course I don't want anyone to have things said to them that are hurtful, but it is so comforting to come here and read.
I read about all of the things that many of you have had said to you, and I didn't even have the long in depth relationship that many of you had with your A's....so to hear that someone who you loved and cared about for years, can be so cruel and callous and turn around and twist words, blame you, hate you, make you out to be horrible, makes the fact that someone who I cared about so much said horrible things to me not so surprising.

I mean, my pain is still real, it's still there, i'm still hurt. But there is a comfort that comes with knowing I am not the only one who has faced hurtful things being said to them.

I am sorry to every single one of you who has had to feel pain from having someone who you invited into your life, trusted, loved and cared about, turn around and say and do vicious things without a seeming care in the world, or a conscience. It's no fun, but atleast we know it's nothing to really do with us.
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