FindingPeace1

I awoke today and asked myself how I was feeling.
Well, my H is away on a business trip and the house is a MESS!!!! I realized I felt sad that I was a slob (oh, the self judgment!), realizing I keep the house clean to please my H.
I don't like what a slob I am. I don't like the only reason I keep it clean is for him. All that makes me sad.

Right away, a thought came, "You should be happy. You are with him. It motivates you to keep clean. You should appreciate that."

I tend to march right along with that 'should' voice. Sounds good, right? Positive? The only problem is stuffing my true feelings to try to feel what my voice thinks I should feel rather than what I actually do.


What often accompanies the should voice is shame. I should (there it is again!) be more positive. I should be less messy. I should value myself enough to clean for myself. I shouldn't have to deal with this issue at my age. I shouldn't be able to tolerate the mess. I am such a slob! How embarrassing is that? Geez, I hope he doesn't come home early and see this mess. I better clean it in case he does! Oh, crap, there HE is motivating you again. Why can't I motivate myself?
And on and on.

The weird thing is, neither of my parents were should-ers. I have no idea where it came from.

I'm allowing feeling sad today...and even ashamed (for a little while, anyway).

Do you should on yourself?
Do you feel ashamed?
When and why?
How do you get out from under it?

LaTeeDa

All the time.

This is something Eckhart Tolle's books have helped me a lot with. Especially "A New Earth." I have to remind myself to be present in the now, not the past or future. He says there are only 3 states you can be in if you are present--Acceptance, Enjoyment, or Enthusiasm. All other states are past or future-tripping. I decided to challenge myself one day to see if I could stay present. I assumed most of my day would be spent in Acceptance. It was surprising to me how much of if actually turned out to be Enjoyment.

Have you read the book?

L

FindingPeace1

No, but it is on the list. I have watched his videos on youtube. He is such a little cutie!
He is so unassuming.
I will move it up on my list of to get books (boy, is that list long!)

I will say, when I'm at work as a naturalist, the most common comment I get is, "My, but you are...enthusiastic!" LOL! So, I know how to plug into that and will be at my park in just about 1 month, so I can do more 'in the moment' practice!

wicked

wow, i am really envious of what you do. a naturalist, and you go to a national park to do this? sounds like heaven really.

oh, and the cleaning up? bah! if there isn't any mold or dying pests, well, okay, my standards are low. but i hate that feeling i am doing it for someone else, or to avoid a "spanking" from another adult.

there was one book i read, (i must get this eckhart tolle book) that said to stop
"shoulding all over yourself" you end up covered in "should" and that is no good.
it stinks and it is hard to wipe off.

FindingPeace1

Yep, I do my job in a nat. park. It IS heaven. I actually went to school for it. Years ago, I volunteered as a naturalist and that summer I decided it was my life path. THEEEEE BEST job in the world - sharing with people about the (imho) MOST important thing in the world (our relationship to nature) (cuz if we kill off all other life or ruin conditions suitable to our life, social issues, or ANY other issues aren't important at that point). My job is to play and have fun (cuz otherwise, people don't stay at the program). I work in the some of the most beautiful, magical places on the planet. My coworkers are fun, outdoorsy people with shared values. And I spend my weekends backpacking in the mountains.
AWESOME!...and off the point of the post...
I do still want to hear about shame and should-ing!

TakingCharge999

Well they say the environment is a reflection of your self, so when my apartment is a mess -most of the time- I realize it is Chaos, what I know, where I feel comfortable. Ugh.

Now I see my home as if it was my own self, so I let it be but if I got a chance I clean even a little, but do it well and with joy and as if it was the most important task in the planet. I enjoy it more now because when I focus it brings me to the present moment. And automatically, to be grateful I got a roof over my head and food in my fridge.

OR if I resent the fact I live washing socks, I make a plan to have someone help me with the house chores.... and that's the end of the drama!



I do the should thing but try to replace it with affirmations or compassionate research:

instead of "I should get this diploma"
use
"why do I feel undeserving of a pay rise, or recognition?"
"which are examples when I felt 'less than' others and I actually did a better job?"
"where does the self loathing comes from? whose voice is it, really?"
"how would getting the diploma make me feel? (proud of myself, smart, deserving). why am I afraid of those feelings?"

Those questions lead me somewhere, somewhere I can grow......

Ceres

I love this. It sounds like you found your purpose. You found what you were meant to do. :-)

You should's are all over the place with me. "You should just stay with <numbnuts> because it's my bed I made and I should lie in it because that would be best for the kids. They are paying for my mistake".

That's my biggest "you should". The thing is, it's true. That makes it sad. But, it does not mean that staying makes it any better.

FindingPeace1

I think it is all tangled up with
should and
burden and
have to and
avoidance
and guilt
and more avoidance.
I know my mom lives 95% in her head and doesn't like dealing with the physical universe, so that is involved (years after moving out, I learned the kids on the street called our house the witch house because the yard was so unkempt it spooked them out).
My trained tendency is to not be present to the physical realm.
It seems to get messy quick.
Then I feel guilty and ashamed.
Then I tell myself I SHOULD clean it (and what the heck is wrong with me anyway).
The should makes me rebellious and avoidant.
The avoiding makes me feel guilty and embarrassed and self-critical.
And you got yourself an endless cycle.

Ceres

Yes, that's it!
"
"I know my mom lives 95% in her head and doesn't like dealing with the physical universe, so that is involved (years after moving out, I learned the kids on the street called our house the witch house because the yard was so unkempt it spooked them out). My trained tendency is to not be present to the physical realm."

Those of us who grew up as ACOA's or any n umber of family dysfunction. Learn very early on how to completely twist (and ultimately not see) reality. Issues sitting aflame right in front of us. The witch house - Kids weren't allowed to come over and I didn't know why I could only play at their house. Hindsight is 20/20 screaming matches on the yard and cop cars at night. No wonder there were no sleep overs! But, it sorta eluded me the whole seriousness of it.

Anyway, here I sit still trying to get a grasp on reality.

FindingPeace1

Totally. It is deep how anything you grow up with is just normal.
It didn't occur as weird, of course.
Later, visiting mom's, I could see how icky dirty it was and I realized how OLD (like YEARS old) the stuff was in the fridge, but I didn't know that then.

I think I still struggle to SEE things.
If there is something undone, EVERY TIME my H walks by it, it BUGS him. It's like it is screaming "FINISH ME!" and he can't feel settled till it gets handled.

Every time I walk by something undone, it is starting that ugly cycle above and I don't even SEE it (although my subconscious does and feel like crap, but getting near it reminds my conscious of the crappy feeling and that feels crappy so I stay unconscious).

The avoidance/procrastination issue is really huge and I have yet to feel like I know how to successfully beat it.

Thumper

Another snippet I love and am going to tuck into my back pocket. I don't want to be all covered in 'should'. Yuck. lol.

LaTeeDa

Here's how it works for me. I notice something that needs doing, which causes me to think about something else that needs doing, but then there's something else which probably should be done before those things, but then there's this other thing that's even more important....................................

Next thing I know, there's just TOO MUCH. So what do I do? NOTHING.

The only way I've found to get out of the cycle is to do SOMETHING. One tiny, little, small thing. Ah, that's better. Sometimes, it leads me to more, sometimes it doesn't. But I always congratulate and praise myself for doing it, whatever it is.

L

FindingPeace1

Walk by it easily? No. Walk by it in denial and self-abuse? Yes. So, it's not really such a dichotomy.

LTD, that's it. Perfectionism. I actually am such a perfectionist, I don't want to START anything because I am overwhelmed by my own idea of how THOROUGH it should be. It leaves me avoiding a bunch of things, including my art because I fear I can't get it to be as good as I think it *should* be.

The work is just getting enough go-go juice to get started. If I can start (anything, pretty much) I can keep going. It's rarely as hard or scary as it seems. Once I have started, I realize (upon reflection) it wasn't even that hard to get over the wall to start.
It's just when I am avoiding something, it SEEMS SO HARD to do it. It's really just that moment. That decision/action moment that is the crux of each thing.

Ceres

When I was new in the program I could not wipe my own @ss. But, my state of mind was such that I did absolutely everything I was told to do by my domineering sponsor. I had to make-up a to-do list with her in the morning, and then go over how I did that day in the evening. I had to have a mommy! Now with my husband gone, I am procrastinating like nobody's business - But, I'm not quite sick enough to want or need that kind of mommying! Still, wouldn't it be nice to have some kick @ss old lady stay with us for a week or so?

Someone should start a business.

FindingPeace1

I think it's called a Life Coach, and boy! could I use one!

LaTeeDa

That's something I learned as a stay-at-home mom with two little kids, lol.

My to-do list used to say things like:
Clean Bathroom
Do Laundry

But, nothing ever got done because I could only manage about 10 minutes of uninterrupted focus. So I started making lists like this:
Clean Sink
Clean Toilet
Clean Shower
Clean Bathroom Floor
Wash Towels
Wash Sheets
Wash Kid's clothes

That way, I could at least check something off once in awhile. Then I could feel like I accomplished something instead of feeling like I couldn't get anything done.

L

FindingPeace1

You know what I love about you recovery folk?
You're so wise and so insightful and so kind and so encouraging and messed up, too!
Hope that's a compliment and not insulting. I just mean it feels good to give permission to our humanness AND do the work.
Your stories encourage me. If I admire you AND you are imperfect...well, that gives me more room.

My husband smirks at my to do list sometimes because it says "do the dishes" every day. He says, "isn't that something you just know? We have to do them every day." But, I may have to go to my deathbed reminding myself to do them.
Que sera sera.

Ceres

"My husband smirks at my to do list sometimes because it says "do the dishes" every day."

That ain't so bad - I had to write "Play with the kids" at one point! :-/

FindingPeace1

That cracks me up and makes me sad all at once.
Peace and strength to all of us.

bookwyrm

I have a slightly different take on the 'should's - they're a red flag for me! My counsellor had me watching out for them in my inner dialogue. She said I am way too hard on myself and that the should's come out as a way of bringing me down and keeping me in my place.

They indicate guilt for me and feed my self loathing and keep my confidence and esteem low. I have difficulty just taking the day off, relaxing and doing as little as possible. I 'should' be doing SOMETHING instead of relaxing and enjoying myself. Somehow, I don't deserve a break from work! If I have a day where I'm unproductive, then I'm doing something wrong! I'm lazy, I procrastinate, I'm dirty - all the negatives come pouring out, all starting with one little should. It isn't that I don't keep on top of the housework - I do. I'm not really lazy (see, still not quite convinced of that one). I do put some things off till the last minute...OK the last few days. One of my friends says I am the tidiest, most organised person she knows - she would never recognise my internal monologue as me! See, the guilt is pouring out of me as I type! I'm defending myself at the mere mention of the negative traits my inner monologue berates me with!

Instead of agreeing automatically with the 'should's, I try and be more aware of them. When I hear them, I have to remember that the inner voice with the 'should' is not necessarily working in my own best interest. So what if the housework needs done? It can wait till tomorrow. Why 'should' I feel differently from how I actually feel? I have a right to feel the way I do, regardless of the 'should'. In my head, the sound of the voice is sometimes that of my mother, father, XAH and almost everyone who every spoke to me in a disparaging way. And sometimes it is just me, being my own worst enemy.

So enough with the 'should's. Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself some 'me' time. Get rid of the 'should's. I try and replace mine with 'could' - it seems to take the shame out of it, when I catch myself in time!