should and shame
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
and, you know, nothing is going to fall apart if I don't do the dishes for two days (even if the counters are crowded). In fact, I just cleaned the kitchen and am working on mopping the house now!
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Humble, tx
Posts: 82
s= Should.
h= Have.
a= Already
m=Mastered
e= Everything
me"!
*
Sorry
Helpless/opeless
Awful
Martyr
Empty
*
But aren't we the fortunate ones to have discovered and experienced "shame" and came to understand it--and through the 12 Steps--change it?* Now a newer "version" of me:
*
Stronger
Healthier
Accountable
Merciful
Energetic
heard these in alanon, copied it down for some reason.
h= Have.
a= Already
m=Mastered
e= Everything
me"!
*
Sorry
Helpless/opeless
Awful
Martyr
Empty
*
But aren't we the fortunate ones to have discovered and experienced "shame" and came to understand it--and through the 12 Steps--change it?* Now a newer "version" of me:
*
Stronger
Healthier
Accountable
Merciful
Energetic
heard these in alanon, copied it down for some reason.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Do you should on yourself?
Do you feel ashamed?
When and why?
1. I should get up early in the morning without pressing the Snooze button ten times (literally, ten times).
2. I should put my clothes away instead of leaving them in the basket and sorting through them and making them more wrinkled and creating more work for myself.
3. I should bring things in from the car every evening after work instead of letting it all pile up for weeks and then having to clean the car.
4. I should hang my coats up every day when I come home for the evening.
5. I should be self-motivated to do all these things and more, without doing them "for someone else" (story of my life).
I could go on about my Shoulds but they are basically the same as everyone else's day-to-day Shoulds. Some people perform them easily; I never did--Until I was, at age 39, after a lifetime of struggling with performing my Shoulds, diagnosed and treated for Attention Deficit Disorder.
How do you get out from under it?
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
L2L
:ghug3 for you.
You've had a life time of misunderstanding from yourself and those around you. Be kind to yourself. You have a gift for understanding and talking to people. People can't learn that. I'm sure you have many more gifts we don't know about. Even for that one small one, those of us on the receiving end don't care at all what your clothes or car look like, or where you put your coat. We feel fortunate to get you and your brain just the way they are
:ghug3 for you.
You've had a life time of misunderstanding from yourself and those around you. Be kind to yourself. You have a gift for understanding and talking to people. People can't learn that. I'm sure you have many more gifts we don't know about. Even for that one small one, those of us on the receiving end don't care at all what your clothes or car look like, or where you put your coat. We feel fortunate to get you and your brain just the way they are
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
And that just goes to show, we are so complex, so multi-layered.
We all have amazing strengths and then that stuff we feel is SO DUMB that we SHOULDn't have, but if we didn't have it...
well, we would have risen or burst into a golden beam of light or landed on the planet with all the goodies or whatever one believes about life after this.
Humanity includes imperfection.
Boy, it's hard to remember that when I'm beating myself up!
Then I remember to love that part, too...and THAT part...and this other part over here...
We all have amazing strengths and then that stuff we feel is SO DUMB that we SHOULDn't have, but if we didn't have it...
well, we would have risen or burst into a golden beam of light or landed on the planet with all the goodies or whatever one believes about life after this.
Humanity includes imperfection.
Boy, it's hard to remember that when I'm beating myself up!
Then I remember to love that part, too...and THAT part...and this other part over here...
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I am re-reading this thread and not sure how I missed this from Anvil:
I totally understand this. Thank you for sharing.
my biggest phobia used to be THE GROCERY STORE. now i don't know why, ...it was just the whole experience....freaked me out....HAD to go, that's where they kept the FOOD, but there was all the insanity in the parking lot and all the people and all those DECISIONS to make, and it was such a responsible thing to do and oh i could go on.....thing was at the time, my life in general was an anxiety producing mess......and grocery shopping was just one of those straws on this camel's back....
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by Alizerin 
"My husband smirks at my to do list sometimes because it says "do the dishes" every day."
That ain't so bad - I had to write "Play with the kids" at one point! :-/
That ain't so bad - I had to write "Play with the kids" at one point! :-/
And my chunks are even smaller than LaTeeDa's. I'm working on my house, and I have a little china bowl on the kitchen table. In it are little folded pieces of paper, each containing a task that I can do in about 15 minutes.
Every night, I pick at least one piece of paper out of the bowl, and I do it.
About 10% of the papers say something like, "You look tired. Order pizza and take the night off." Just as an incentive, y'know?
I get it.
It's okay.
Small bites are what works for me. And doing whatever I do ONLY for me. Cleaning, decluttering, weeding....if I did it for my husband I would feel resentment (and if I didn't do it, I'd feel shame)
When I do it for me, and only me, it's much more likely to get done.
Kinda my little thang.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
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Originally Posted by GiveLove
Every day, my to-do list says, "Get out in the fresh air for an hour."
And my chunks are even smaller than LaTeeDa's. I'm working on my house, and I have a little china bowl on the kitchen table. In it are little folded pieces of paper, each containing a task that I can do in about 15 minutes.
Every night, I pick at lease one piece of paper out of the bowl, and I do it.
About 10% of the papers say something like, "You look tired. Order pizza and take the night off." Just as an incentive, y'know?
I get it.
It's okay.
Small bites.
And my chunks are even smaller than LaTeeDa's. I'm working on my house, and I have a little china bowl on the kitchen table. In it are little folded pieces of paper, each containing a task that I can do in about 15 minutes.
Every night, I pick at lease one piece of paper out of the bowl, and I do it.
About 10% of the papers say something like, "You look tired. Order pizza and take the night off." Just as an incentive, y'know?
I get it.
It's okay.
Small bites.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
L2L: from one ADD adult to another, a big comforting hug: my clothes are wadded up in the clean clothes basket too (at least they made it out of the dryer, huh?) so I was late to work today cause I had to iron a shirt to wear, my house is an incredible wreck, and I can't clean it now, cause I have 2 day overdue homework I have to finish tonight, and I have a growing overdraft in my bank account cause I forgot about some automatic withdrawals. I have all those problems you listed too, and I cry a lot too, and even those who love me most believe I could take care of this stuff if I just tried harder. And they're wrong. If I could remember to mail the bills/hang up my keys/charge my phone/take my lunch with me when I leave the house then I WOULDN'T HAVE ADD. Telling me that I just need to remember to (fill in "should" of choice here) is a guaranteed to accomplish nothing. Well, except that it does make me feel bad about myself.
Ya know what I've learned from having ADD? That I can never truly understand anyone else's point of view. Unless I'm them, I don't know what it's like to face their challenges, and since they're not me, they don't get my problems either. Not really. It's spared me a lot of anger over the things that other people do that appear to me to be incomprehensible. For all I know, they really can't help it either. ADD really sucks, but that tolerance has made my life a lot easier.
More on topic, recently I was looking around at the mess in my house (and my life, by extension) and hating it and resenting myself for making it, when the Voice of Wisdom piped up in my head, and said this:
"Accept the mess. Love the mess. It has a lesson to teach you."
Ya know what I've learned from having ADD? That I can never truly understand anyone else's point of view. Unless I'm them, I don't know what it's like to face their challenges, and since they're not me, they don't get my problems either. Not really. It's spared me a lot of anger over the things that other people do that appear to me to be incomprehensible. For all I know, they really can't help it either. ADD really sucks, but that tolerance has made my life a lot easier.
More on topic, recently I was looking around at the mess in my house (and my life, by extension) and hating it and resenting myself for making it, when the Voice of Wisdom piped up in my head, and said this:
"Accept the mess. Love the mess. It has a lesson to teach you."
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
I missed the whole ADD thing. I do have it but my doc hasn't prescribed meds because the appropriate ones are not addict/alcoholic safe. So it's behavioral therapy I should be doing! I don't mind it too much, it doesn't get terribly in the way. It makes up a huge part of my personality. I tend to be quick in thoughts, deeds, and talking. I'm told I tend to talk in quick bursts. It's hard to concentrate and often I have to pause when talking to remember my original thought. I know it affected my work - But I still managed okay (having the internet available at work is bad!) I RARELY finish watching a show. I flip channels constantly. I get itchy when I'm at someone's house watching a movie. I'll sometimes get up and pretend to use the restroom in a meeting just to get up and change environments.
It does mess with procrastination. It causes it. That's a mind bender to me.
It does mess with procrastination. It causes it. That's a mind bender to me.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I hope you don't feel like your thread has been hi-jacked about A.D.D. FindingPeace. For me, it is all related: The A.D.D., the enabling, the not caring for ourselves unless it is a result of doing for someone else, and the related sadness and feelings of shame and frustration.
Sometimes I think it is mostly about purpose.
I really don't have that much in my life to motivate me to do all the "normal" things it seems that everyone else just seems to do automatically. Honestly, I only have a house because I need a place to keep my stuff so that I can go to work. And really my only motivation for going to work is to pay for the things that I need in order to work in the first place, and to take care of my mom as best I can.
Maybe I should read that book about The Purpose Driven Life (or whatever it's called). Because I think perhaps it is purpose that drives motivation that in turn drives whether or not we are doing mostly for ourselves versus doing mosly for others. Maybe if we do for others in ways OTHER THAN caretaking, we limit how much we enable. IDK, just thinking out loud.
again, for the share and everyone's posts. This thread is really helping me get my head straight during a very difficult time in my life.
Sometimes I think it is mostly about purpose.
I don't like what a slob I am. I don't like the only reason I keep it clean is for him. All that makes me sad.
Maybe I should read that book about The Purpose Driven Life (or whatever it's called). Because I think perhaps it is purpose that drives motivation that in turn drives whether or not we are doing mostly for ourselves versus doing mosly for others. Maybe if we do for others in ways OTHER THAN caretaking, we limit how much we enable. IDK, just thinking out loud.
again, for the share and everyone's posts. This thread is really helping me get my head straight during a very difficult time in my life.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Thank you so much BuffaloGal, for your share. I can't tell you how much it means to hear what you go through, because as I read your words I know I am not alone. I have always felt different, like I did not fit in anywhere, and your post makes me feel included. What a great feeling. And a great way to start my day (better even than Frosted Flakes LOL!)
You are right about not truly being able to understand others' points of view. Like the old saying, walk a mile in another man's shoes, or however it goes. I wish more people understood what it is like for people like us just to function everyday. The medicine helps a lot. I've been off it for a few months now so my life has been somewhat of a wreck, but I am struggling to get myself back on it so wish me luck :O)
I imagine having this disability is a bit like being an alcoholic or an addict. Keeping ourselves straight is rather difficult. A few years ago I realized that most of us really are doing the best we can do, even those of us who are addicted. It may not seem like it to people on the outside looking in, because they get so irritated at what we do, but we really are. Life is difficult for lots of us.
You are right about not truly being able to understand others' points of view. Like the old saying, walk a mile in another man's shoes, or however it goes. I wish more people understood what it is like for people like us just to function everyday. The medicine helps a lot. I've been off it for a few months now so my life has been somewhat of a wreck, but I am struggling to get myself back on it so wish me luck :O)
I imagine having this disability is a bit like being an alcoholic or an addict. Keeping ourselves straight is rather difficult. A few years ago I realized that most of us really are doing the best we can do, even those of us who are addicted. It may not seem like it to people on the outside looking in, because they get so irritated at what we do, but we really are. Life is difficult for lots of us.
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