In need of something...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: az
Posts: 8
In need of something...
This is my first time having any contact with Al-Anon. I am not sure what to think of it or what to expect from it, but I know I am in need of some sort of help or comfort or something.
In browsing through the posts of others I realized that my situation isn't as bad as others, of course I didn't find comfort in that. It made me profoundly sad. Sad for two reasons. The first being that there are so many of us out there being hurt on a daily basis, and secondly I fear that things could be worsen. Maybe that is a bad attitude and certainly I tend to be pessimistic, but sometimes I feel justified in my doubts. Of course reading the posts where people call alcoholic liars doesn't make me feel any better.
Here is the deal with me. My husband is an alcoholic. He is I guess what you call a binge drinker. Currently he has quit drinking. He has quit before for about 7-9 months, I don't remember.
Without making an already long post even longer and going into the all the history, I will just get to what's on my mind. My husband is away on business, and tonight when he called he sounded like he'd been drinking. I hinted that he sounded 'funny' eventually we got into a fight, and although he said he hadn't had anything to drink, I guess I still don't believe him. He says he is angry with me because I am supposed to have faith in him and not suspect him of drinking. Is he right? I mean I do believe in him, but I guess in ways I don't. Does that make me horrible? I mean he has only quit for 2 months or so and this week he has been out to a bar like almost every night. Tonight he was visiting with a friend who is a big drinker. He was defensive, of course I am so confused as to if I believe him or not. And if I don't what are the implications of that? This is making me sick. We are not without our problems, and I do admit to having anxiety and often I worry or overthink things and create problems that don't exisit.
My problem is that deep down do I not trust him? Or do I but I allow all my inner crap to get in the way and obscure that?
Ah crap, this is long and probably no one wants to hear my stuff when everyone has their own stuff. Thanks for letting me say my peace.
In browsing through the posts of others I realized that my situation isn't as bad as others, of course I didn't find comfort in that. It made me profoundly sad. Sad for two reasons. The first being that there are so many of us out there being hurt on a daily basis, and secondly I fear that things could be worsen. Maybe that is a bad attitude and certainly I tend to be pessimistic, but sometimes I feel justified in my doubts. Of course reading the posts where people call alcoholic liars doesn't make me feel any better.
Here is the deal with me. My husband is an alcoholic. He is I guess what you call a binge drinker. Currently he has quit drinking. He has quit before for about 7-9 months, I don't remember.
Without making an already long post even longer and going into the all the history, I will just get to what's on my mind. My husband is away on business, and tonight when he called he sounded like he'd been drinking. I hinted that he sounded 'funny' eventually we got into a fight, and although he said he hadn't had anything to drink, I guess I still don't believe him. He says he is angry with me because I am supposed to have faith in him and not suspect him of drinking. Is he right? I mean I do believe in him, but I guess in ways I don't. Does that make me horrible? I mean he has only quit for 2 months or so and this week he has been out to a bar like almost every night. Tonight he was visiting with a friend who is a big drinker. He was defensive, of course I am so confused as to if I believe him or not. And if I don't what are the implications of that? This is making me sick. We are not without our problems, and I do admit to having anxiety and often I worry or overthink things and create problems that don't exisit.
My problem is that deep down do I not trust him? Or do I but I allow all my inner crap to get in the way and obscure that?
Ah crap, this is long and probably no one wants to hear my stuff when everyone has their own stuff. Thanks for letting me say my peace.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: California
Posts: 329
Welcome queenofca!
We certainly DO want to hear from you!! This is what this board is all about. Sharing and reading and helping eachother. There is always someone hear to help out. I gain so much strength from coming here and reading the posts. My alcoholic husband is passed out on the couch right now. Snoring loudly!! Take care of you. That is a very important must. Whether your husband drinks or not is NOT your fault amd you can't control what he does. Keep coming back and feel free to vent as much as you like.
hugs and prayers,
matters
We certainly DO want to hear from you!! This is what this board is all about. Sharing and reading and helping eachother. There is always someone hear to help out. I gain so much strength from coming here and reading the posts. My alcoholic husband is passed out on the couch right now. Snoring loudly!! Take care of you. That is a very important must. Whether your husband drinks or not is NOT your fault amd you can't control what he does. Keep coming back and feel free to vent as much as you like.
hugs and prayers,
matters
Member
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Cincinnati OH
Posts: 28
Queen,
It is OK not to believe or trust your husband - the only thing we need to believe and trust is that our higher power does not give us more than we can handle. There is an old saying in both AA and Al-Anon... How do you know when an alcoholic is lieing? When his lips are moving.... Just NOT drinking does not mean he is in recovery, it only means that he is a dry drunk and sometimes that is even harder for us than the active drinker. You really should attend some al-anon meetings and learn how to help yourself...
Penny
It is OK not to believe or trust your husband - the only thing we need to believe and trust is that our higher power does not give us more than we can handle. There is an old saying in both AA and Al-Anon... How do you know when an alcoholic is lieing? When his lips are moving.... Just NOT drinking does not mean he is in recovery, it only means that he is a dry drunk and sometimes that is even harder for us than the active drinker. You really should attend some al-anon meetings and learn how to help yourself...
Penny
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Mich
Posts: 212
Queen,
First of all, don't ever feel like you have to apologize for having those feelings or expressing them here! There have been times (and recently) when I've come here and vented away only to reread what I wrote a day later and I thought that I sounded like a raving lunatic...but not ONE person here has EVER treated me badly, said anything negative or told me not to come back. Yes, they have said things to me that have been hard to take, but that's because they've said the truth and it's hard to hear the truth. Change is hard for everyone.
A few things I know...if you haven't been to an alanon face to face meeting, go to one. the disease of alcoholism is nasty and while people can find soberity, they will never be cured...for me, that's scary, it means that if I decide to stay in my marriage (which I have so far), for the rest of his life and my life, he could fall off the wagon. I've found that if I trust my gut, I'm usually right...my husband is also a binge drinker..he's gone a year without using and I've noticed that I can tell usually a good 2 to 3 weeks before he uses that he's going to use...his entire attitude changes and he withdraws from the family...everything bugs him...I don't say anything to him and then he usually drinks.
I've found for me, the less I say, the better. I do not walk on egg shells, I just let him make his choices and I make mine. is it easy? Not always, but I've found it makes life easier.
I also agree that someone who has a problem drinking, should not be in a situation where getting a drink is so tempting..ie: going to the bar every night, hanging out with someone that drinks, but you have to remember, those are HIS choices not yours....
Keep coming back!
Sped teach
First of all, don't ever feel like you have to apologize for having those feelings or expressing them here! There have been times (and recently) when I've come here and vented away only to reread what I wrote a day later and I thought that I sounded like a raving lunatic...but not ONE person here has EVER treated me badly, said anything negative or told me not to come back. Yes, they have said things to me that have been hard to take, but that's because they've said the truth and it's hard to hear the truth. Change is hard for everyone.
A few things I know...if you haven't been to an alanon face to face meeting, go to one. the disease of alcoholism is nasty and while people can find soberity, they will never be cured...for me, that's scary, it means that if I decide to stay in my marriage (which I have so far), for the rest of his life and my life, he could fall off the wagon. I've found that if I trust my gut, I'm usually right...my husband is also a binge drinker..he's gone a year without using and I've noticed that I can tell usually a good 2 to 3 weeks before he uses that he's going to use...his entire attitude changes and he withdraws from the family...everything bugs him...I don't say anything to him and then he usually drinks.
I've found for me, the less I say, the better. I do not walk on egg shells, I just let him make his choices and I make mine. is it easy? Not always, but I've found it makes life easier.
I also agree that someone who has a problem drinking, should not be in a situation where getting a drink is so tempting..ie: going to the bar every night, hanging out with someone that drinks, but you have to remember, those are HIS choices not yours....
Keep coming back!
Sped teach
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hello queenofca and welcome!
Of course you don't trust him. He's gone back to drinking a number of times now. We learn what we are taught. You're just wondering when. This doesn't make you evil, it makes you a good student. It's your husband who needs to change the lesson plan for long enough that you can get the hang of the new him.
The problem is it's consuming your thoughts and keeping you from enjoying any serenity. Alanon can help with that. There's no predicting which way an alcoholic's behavior is going to turn. All we can do is decide if they're worth putting up with as is (because they may never be any different), and if so... learning how to think about other, better things.
Always feel free to come here and share with us. We DO want to hear it.
Hugs,
Smoke
Of course you don't trust him. He's gone back to drinking a number of times now. We learn what we are taught. You're just wondering when. This doesn't make you evil, it makes you a good student. It's your husband who needs to change the lesson plan for long enough that you can get the hang of the new him.
The problem is it's consuming your thoughts and keeping you from enjoying any serenity. Alanon can help with that. There's no predicting which way an alcoholic's behavior is going to turn. All we can do is decide if they're worth putting up with as is (because they may never be any different), and if so... learning how to think about other, better things.
Always feel free to come here and share with us. We DO want to hear it.
Hugs,
Smoke
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
Re: In need of something...
Originally posted by queenofca
I mean I do believe in him, but I guess in ways I don't. Does that make me horrible? I mean he has only quit for 2 months or so and this week he has been out to a bar like almost every night.
I mean I do believe in him, but I guess in ways I don't. Does that make me horrible? I mean he has only quit for 2 months or so and this week he has been out to a bar like almost every night.
You are not horrible.
Don't worry about whether to trust HIM or not, but trust your own judgement.
Next time you suspect he's been drinking, don't waste your time telling him about it. They only get defensive and turn the blame on you or anyone other than themselves.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: az
Posts: 8
more...
Thanks everyone for your words of wisdom. It is nice to know that there are others out there to talk to.
The thing is in my brain I know all the things I need to do for myself, not to worry about his problem and just work on myself. But in my heart I do worry about it. I admit I do worry too much, I obsess about things and it sucks. I used to go to therapy for myself, but I don't go any longer...
I don't know what to think about last night. I mean if he wasn't drinking now he thinks I don't believe in him, and that makes me feel like crap. And I do want to be the one who believes in him, I realy do. He has put up with a lot of my crap along the way.
I guess I am just scared. I am scared because for the most part we have a great life. We are professionals, make good money and have a nice home. We travel and have wonderful fur-children. With the hopes of having human ones soon. Thing is I feel like I need to know certain things to have a sense of security I guess. He just doesn't get it sometimes how it affects me. And, yes I know I need to provide my own security and this and that, but I am no good at it I guess.
I said to him last night (in response to him calling me a coward beacause I didn't have the balls to come out and ask him if he'd been drinking and his comment that it was a-holish of me to not consider that he hadn't been drinking), "you need to understand how I feel, I mean you told me you quit, i see you not drinking, but i don't see you going to meetings, and you don't tell me your plan, i mean how i am i supposed to know if this is for good, or that you might decide to drink sometime. It scares me that it is going to be like before" (which wasn't terrible, terrible. but it wasn't pretty either and always a source of stress and problems between us.)
I also rambled off some stuff to him and when I was done. He was silent. I asked if he was going to say anything. He said no. i asked why not, he said because i don't have anything to say. I guess what you said did not move me to respond. Then we sat in silence for a few seconds and then he announced he was going to bed, i said fine and we hung up.
In his defense he has read the big book a bit, and visited some sober websites, he even sent be some threads about drinking NA beer, and he has told his close friends that he quit, but really I don't know what else he has been doing, other than not drinking because he doesn't tell me. My opinion is that he thinks he is different that other problem drinkers. I think he has trouble relating to the people that drink heavy everyday and it affects their jobs and stuff.
Not that others are not these things too, but he is really smart, runs his own company and I think that he thinks that he can control his problem on will alone. Which I believe is his downfall, I think that everyone no matter what their status in life could benefit from the help of others.
When he quit the one time prior from about August to Jan. I have seen him stand up in a meeting and say my name is....... and i've been sober for 6 months. So it confuses me when I don't see him trying. I guess I just don't know what is going on in his head. I know I should stop trying to figure it out.
Anyway enough of me. Thanks everyone. Oh and for those of you wondering. I'm in AZ for the heat baby. Oh and I didn't want to vote
The thing is in my brain I know all the things I need to do for myself, not to worry about his problem and just work on myself. But in my heart I do worry about it. I admit I do worry too much, I obsess about things and it sucks. I used to go to therapy for myself, but I don't go any longer...
I don't know what to think about last night. I mean if he wasn't drinking now he thinks I don't believe in him, and that makes me feel like crap. And I do want to be the one who believes in him, I realy do. He has put up with a lot of my crap along the way.
I guess I am just scared. I am scared because for the most part we have a great life. We are professionals, make good money and have a nice home. We travel and have wonderful fur-children. With the hopes of having human ones soon. Thing is I feel like I need to know certain things to have a sense of security I guess. He just doesn't get it sometimes how it affects me. And, yes I know I need to provide my own security and this and that, but I am no good at it I guess.
I said to him last night (in response to him calling me a coward beacause I didn't have the balls to come out and ask him if he'd been drinking and his comment that it was a-holish of me to not consider that he hadn't been drinking), "you need to understand how I feel, I mean you told me you quit, i see you not drinking, but i don't see you going to meetings, and you don't tell me your plan, i mean how i am i supposed to know if this is for good, or that you might decide to drink sometime. It scares me that it is going to be like before" (which wasn't terrible, terrible. but it wasn't pretty either and always a source of stress and problems between us.)
I also rambled off some stuff to him and when I was done. He was silent. I asked if he was going to say anything. He said no. i asked why not, he said because i don't have anything to say. I guess what you said did not move me to respond. Then we sat in silence for a few seconds and then he announced he was going to bed, i said fine and we hung up.
In his defense he has read the big book a bit, and visited some sober websites, he even sent be some threads about drinking NA beer, and he has told his close friends that he quit, but really I don't know what else he has been doing, other than not drinking because he doesn't tell me. My opinion is that he thinks he is different that other problem drinkers. I think he has trouble relating to the people that drink heavy everyday and it affects their jobs and stuff.
Not that others are not these things too, but he is really smart, runs his own company and I think that he thinks that he can control his problem on will alone. Which I believe is his downfall, I think that everyone no matter what their status in life could benefit from the help of others.
When he quit the one time prior from about August to Jan. I have seen him stand up in a meeting and say my name is....... and i've been sober for 6 months. So it confuses me when I don't see him trying. I guess I just don't know what is going on in his head. I know I should stop trying to figure it out.
Anyway enough of me. Thanks everyone. Oh and for those of you wondering. I'm in AZ for the heat baby. Oh and I didn't want to vote
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Welcome,
#1 I have learned that my feelings are neither right or wrong they just are...They can change in a flash....So I have to stick with the facts....Fact #1 the longest journey in the world is to get healthy information from my head to my heart. So don't be so hard on yourself about how you feel...Fact #2 Alcoholism is a family disease that without the tools and support I get from Al-Anon I will lose my serenity and sanity.....Obessing about them and they and others used to just go round and round in my head...I had to stop the merry-go-round. Fact #3 You are not alone unless you chose to be....not only is this site for you but so is Al-Anon.
Welcome to Sober Recovery....I NEED the recovery as much or more than the people in my life that are using....HOW
Honesty
Open mindness
Willing
For me I had to become willing to learn to use new tools and accept the help and support of the members of Al-Anon who work the program....
I will never understand the alcoholic or the addict, I may never be able to trust them completey, but I can learn to accecpt that they suffer from a terrable, confusing, fatal disease that not only can kill them but it can kill relationships, marrages, and love.... Please keep coming back and let us know how you are doing.
Love and prayers from one who cares
#1 I have learned that my feelings are neither right or wrong they just are...They can change in a flash....So I have to stick with the facts....Fact #1 the longest journey in the world is to get healthy information from my head to my heart. So don't be so hard on yourself about how you feel...Fact #2 Alcoholism is a family disease that without the tools and support I get from Al-Anon I will lose my serenity and sanity.....Obessing about them and they and others used to just go round and round in my head...I had to stop the merry-go-round. Fact #3 You are not alone unless you chose to be....not only is this site for you but so is Al-Anon.
Welcome to Sober Recovery....I NEED the recovery as much or more than the people in my life that are using....HOW
Honesty
Open mindness
Willing
For me I had to become willing to learn to use new tools and accept the help and support of the members of Al-Anon who work the program....
I will never understand the alcoholic or the addict, I may never be able to trust them completey, but I can learn to accecpt that they suffer from a terrable, confusing, fatal disease that not only can kill them but it can kill relationships, marrages, and love.... Please keep coming back and let us know how you are doing.
Love and prayers from one who cares
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
I know youre not supposed to offer advice but I think I would just stick with the furkids for now and forget about having any real ones until you guys get this resolved.
Please dont be one of those people who thinks having kids will make things all better. Im kidless but the others can fill you in about the problems you will experience bringing a child into this mix. And its no fun for the kids either from what Ive read. Besides. You already have a big kid to deal with.
OW!!! I fell off my soapbox. I think I hurt myself. LOL.
Please dont be one of those people who thinks having kids will make things all better. Im kidless but the others can fill you in about the problems you will experience bringing a child into this mix. And its no fun for the kids either from what Ive read. Besides. You already have a big kid to deal with.
OW!!! I fell off my soapbox. I think I hurt myself. LOL.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: az
Posts: 8
No, I am not one of those people that think having kids is going to solve anything. We both have always wanted children so someday i think we will. I don't want to bring a child into this world at time where things are not settled. But let's be honest if this is realy a disease and I think we all agree it is, and there is no cure, does that mean we should never have kids, if this is something that will always be a part of us? I have made it clear to him that his old behvior wasn't going to be ok if we had children. I dont want to have kids at home and have him be out drinking somewhere. I am glad we don't have kids now, but i still want them at some point.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: between the lakes
Posts: 60
This is what I thought about.
When my husband was actively using we had one child who was about 3 years old. I very much wanted a second child. I did NOT expect that child to "sway him to sobriety". We were financially secure and certainly not children (chronologically anyway!). We were both from stable non-addicted families and we did not come into this relationship with a lot of previous baggage. Our marriage, minus the addiction, had been solid for more than 10 years. He was not abusive in any manner, using or straight.
I felt that if he did not find the light at the end of the tunnel I was emotionally and financially capable of raising this child independently. I also knew that were I to wait for a cure for this disease I would wait a lifetime and still not have the second child that we both desired.
We made the decision to go for the baby we both wanted. Fortunately he found sobriety when our son was about 10 months old and has, thus far, 16 months later, not relapsed. I am fortunate I know, but I do not think my decision would have been different had this not occured. I love my husband and I wanted his children. The struggle to maintain sobriety is a lifelong one---as is parenthood.
Thjis was just my way of thinking and should not be construed as the right choice for anyone but our family.
I felt that if he did not find the light at the end of the tunnel I was emotionally and financially capable of raising this child independently. I also knew that were I to wait for a cure for this disease I would wait a lifetime and still not have the second child that we both desired.
We made the decision to go for the baby we both wanted. Fortunately he found sobriety when our son was about 10 months old and has, thus far, 16 months later, not relapsed. I am fortunate I know, but I do not think my decision would have been different had this not occured. I love my husband and I wanted his children. The struggle to maintain sobriety is a lifelong one---as is parenthood.
Thjis was just my way of thinking and should not be construed as the right choice for anyone but our family.
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