JenT1968

I fit much of this, but not all. I think for me it is about first recognising and owning what I feel.

Common Passive Aggressive Behaviors:

Ambiguity: I think of the proverb, "Actions speak louder than words" when it comes to the passive aggressive and how ambiguous they can be. They rarely mean what they say or say what they mean. The best judge of how a passive aggressive feels about an issue is how they act. Normally they don't act until after they've caused some kind of stress by their ambiguous way of communicating.#

I am ambiguous with my communication sometimes. I have often not said what I felt: "I'm fine": (ight-lipped and resentful) I do this less now and often I didn't know what I felt, does everyone have a right to know how I feel all the time? Is it only passive aggressive if you seek to manipulate/control/affect/punish others? If I genuinely just want to be in my own head and someone keeps on asking "how are you?" sure it would be more honest to say "I'm not fine but I don't want to talk about it with you at the moment (or ever)", maybe I just need a different set of stock phrases.

Forgetfulness: The passive aggressive avoids responsibility by "forgetting." How convenient is that? There is no easier way to punish someone than forgetting that lunch date or your birthday or, better yet, an anniversary.

I don't think I have ever done this, intentionally or otherwise, I am forgetful over loads of things, I can't see any pattern regarding people I have issues with or am angry with or???

Blaming: They are never responsible for their actions. If you aren't to blame then it is something that happened at work, the traffic on the way home or the slow clerk at the convenience store. The passive aggressive has no faults, it is everyone around him/her who has faults and they must be punished for those faults.

I have been very prone to this, usually "yes its my fault, BUT.........." huge list of mitigating circumstances, my alternative stance is "yes its my fault, BUT you do it too and you're worse". and whilst this is what I may say, I actually beleive that everything, ever, is my fault. Ho hum.

Lack of Anger: He/she may never express anger. There are some who are happy with whatever you want. On the outside anyway! The passive aggressive may have been taught, as a child, that anger is unacceptable. Hence they go through life stuffing their anger, being accommodating and then sticking it to you in an under-handed way.

VERY much me, havn't a clue what to do with anger, in my life I spent a lot of time stuffing it, then a lot of time RAGING. I do stuff that I don't want to and then get all resentful, and snarky. I am also quite genuinely passive a lot of the time, I often don't have much of a preference with many things and am very happy to go with the flow, when others have strong opinions/preferences.

Fear of Dependency: From Scott Wetlzer, author of Living With The Passive Aggressive Man. "Unsure of his autonomy and afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs, usually by trying to control you. He wants you to think he doesn't depend on you, but he binds himself closer than he cares to admit. Relationships can become battle grounds, where he can only claim victory if he denies his need for your support."

I have a fear of dependency. relationships can become battlegrounds, I know where this comes from, Not at all sure what to do about it.

Fear of Intimacy: The passive aggressive often can't trust. Because of this, they guard themselves against becoming intimately attached to someone. A passive aggressive will have sex with you but they rarely make love to you. If they feel themselves becoming attached, they may punish you by withholding sex.

fear of intimacy is part of fear of dependency (for me) although I'm not sure that this is how I play it out. I don't have sex with people I'm angry with, but I don't have dinner with them or go for a walk in the park with them either. I need to LIKE someone I'm having sex with, or at least not actively dislike them. so not sure about that.

Obstructionism: Do you want something from your passive aggressive spouse? If so, get ready to wait for it or maybe even never get it. It is important to him/her that you don,t get your way. He/she will act as if giving you what you want is important to them but, rarely will he/she follow through with giving it. It is very confusing to have someone appear to want to give to you but never follow through. You can begin to feel as if you are asking too much which is exactly what he/she wants to you to feel.

Can't think of an example here. I'm way more prone to saying I'll do something I don't want to do, doing it, but muttering under my breath the whole time, feeling really resentful about being "put-upon", and taken for granted. I need to learn to say "NO", or maybe first "let me think about it" because my first reation is always "okay then" and sometimes even as I'm saying it I'm thinking its a bad idea, so I need a way of saying: "you know what, I agreed without thinking there, I've thought about it, and no...."

Victimization: The passive aggressive feels they are treated unfairly. If you get upset because he or she is constantly late, they take offense because; in their mind, it was someone else's fault that they were late. He/she is always the innocent victim of your unreasonable expectations, an over-bearing boss or that slow clerk at the convenience store.

hands up: this is me, see above (or at least was very much me) I hope I am accepting my part more in most arenas.

Procrastination: The passive aggressive person believes that deadlines are for everyone but them. They do things on their own time schedule and be damned anyone who expects differently from them.

I am a great procrastinator, however, I don't think everyone else should stick to deadlines, I fully understand it in others, and I hold my hands up, right up front, you need to put a gun to my head to get me to meet a deadline (I need to understand the urgency and reality of a deadline to stick to it).


hmmm... a lot of qualifications there, often not a good sign!!!. I'll look at it again in a week or so thanks ALi

Jadmack25

Thanks JenT. Yep...."I'm fine, That's fine": would be my bugbears. It aint fine at all, and I do not feel or want to do whatever...but..I promised.

Often I find myself saying I'll do something I don't want to do, and then getting hot under the collar as I reluctantly do it.
I am learning slowly, to either ask for time to consider before commiting to something.

I am forgetful too, not deliberately....it seems to come with getting older.
Faces I know, names to go with them.....oh boy, do I um and ah over them.

Still a couple of things to work on here, for me it seems.

God bless

Ceres

My STBX and I had a name system, as I'm terrible also, my good friends do it for me too. When someone comes up to me it's a given I won't know their name. So the person with me will automatically introduce themselves first, ie: "Hi, I'm Joe Blow, Kim's Husband" They then respond with their name.

Neat trick. ;-)

FindingPeace1

Be wary of "nice"! I come from a very even tempered "nice" family, aka passive aggressive. I am skilled in these areas, as is my husband.

Ambiguity: also, inability to make firm or quick decisions

Forgetfulness: don't EVEN get me started

Blaming: while trying to act or believe that I'm not blaming

Lack of Anger: consciously, maybe...

Fear of Dependency: yep

Fear of Intimacy: yep

Obstructionism: hell yes

Victimization: uh huh

Procrastination: oh LORD! Help me!
__________________
I was just talking with my mom about how I can finally admit I use my GIANT to do pile as a "weeder". The things that need to get done, I dig out and do. The rest, I go through (sometimes years) later and realize they are outdated and I can throw them away (rather than deciding to dismiss them or admitting I will never do them!

I am still working on acknowledging when I am forgetful there is something there to admit to myself I am avoiding.
Sometimes, I procrastinate with the most stupid stuff...I feel burdened by the need to do it, which makes me avoid it, which makes me feel shameful about avoiding it, which makes me avoid it MORE and on and on. I don't have a handle on this one at all, but to give myself permission to feel avoidant!

I don't want to rock the boat, so I don't want to acknowledge my boundaries have been stepped on because I'll have to go against the grain, so I deny them to myself and get in a mess of trouble.
I am *just starting* to see this pattern and how it might be okay to have someone be different than me. How I had an unspoken rule that people should follow the same rules I follow and behave the same, etc. How it might be fine that someone doesn't and they might not know what I want and need and I might need to assert myself to get my needs me and all of this is okay.

Thumper

Oh, this is a big part of my problem I think.

Passive aggressive behavior stems from an inability to express anger in a healthy way. A person's feelings may be so repressed that they don't even realize they are angry or feeling resentment.

Yes, this is me.

Ambiguity: I think of the proverb, "Actions speak louder than words" when it comes to the passive aggressive and how ambiguous they can be. They rarely mean what they say or say what they mean. The best judge of how a passive aggressive feels about an issue is how they act. Normally they don't act until after they've caused some kind of stress by their ambiguous way of communicating.

This irritates me in other people, and yet I know I am like this too. It is a hard thing to fix.

Lack of Anger: He/she may never express anger. There are some who are happy with whatever you want. On the outside anyway! The passive aggressive may have been taught, as a child, that anger is unacceptable. Hence they go through life stuffing their anger, being accommodating and then sticking it to you in an under-handed way.

This is also true of how I am. I try to analyze my behavior so I don't do under-handed things but I imagine it happens when I don't ever realize it. I never forget. I don't bring past 'wrongs' up to the person but they are always there in my mind. I never let them go, they just build. That is not healthy.

Fear of Dependency: From Scott Wetlzer, author of Living With The Passive Aggressive Man. "Unsure of his autonomy and afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs, usually by trying to control you. He wants you to think he doesn't depend on you, but he binds himself closer than he cares to admit. Relationships can become battle grounds, where he can only claim victory if he denies his need for your support."

I think this one is true too.

Fear of Intimacy: The passive aggressive often can't trust. Because of this, they guard themselves against becoming intimately attached to someone. A passive aggressive will have sex with you but they rarely make love to you. If they feel themselves becoming attached, they may punish you by withholding sex.

Oh this one is strong for me.

Victimization: The passive aggressive feels they are treated unfairly. If you get upset because he or she is constantly late, they take offense because; in their mind, it was someone else's fault that they were late. He/she is always the innocent victim of your unreasonable expectations, an over-bearing boss or that slow clerk at the convenience store.

A little bit. Not so much around the daily details of life but around the big one. The state of my life. It was all my ah's fault you know...I took no responsibility for being miserable.

When I read this list I get the same feeling when I read lists of codependent behaviors. My xah and I are both passive aggressive and the signs I don't display as much, he does. It was the same with the codependent behavior list.

Tally

I would say I was definately ambiguous. I have a problem with some people saying how I feel or what I think, with the A definately and also my Mum. I also used to say things in a specific way to get a reaction and then claim innocence with the A. I have a problem saying how I feel with regards to my Mum because I don't want to hurt her feelings and with him it would just cause too many arguements so I learnt it was easier to not be upfront.

I'm not at all forgetful in regards to using it to hurt people. I don't forget special occassions or appointments, hate lateness etc.. I do forget things sometimes, doesn't everyone? But nothing I would class as important.

I'm obviously angry and bitter but I show and hide it in equal measure. I do "stick it to ya" in an underhand way too, but again, only with the A. I found in the end I was equally as manipulative as he was. I found with him I tried to stifle my anger as it was one of the things he would throw at me as a fault, "you're soooo angry, it's not NORMAL" so I would try not to be angry to prove him wrong or make him happy, that would only result in bitterness instead though and me blowing up over silly, little things.

Not got a fear of dependancy, I am dependant.

Not obstructive from what I can tell.

Don't think I do the victim thing, maybe with the A I did as a manipulative thing to try and control him.

Not a procrastinator either. HATE lateness and putting things off to the last minute..do it NOW! lol

The A is also ambiguous, not really forgetful. Defo has a lack of anger, it was all internalized as his family don't show emotion. He definately had a fear of dependancy and a fear of intimacy, DEFO an "obstructor" and a victim and never met a worse procrastinator in my life.

Ceres

<final bump>

wicked

Well, I must say I admire everyone's ability to see passive aggressiveness in themselves and being so open about it.
I see it in myself, especially about the fear of intimacy. Keep everyone at a distance and keep control. Wow, how I have hurt myself and others by "protecting" me.
I can also see how my codependency is entangled (thanks alizerin) with the passive aggressive part of me to give the silly illusion of control.
Both ex's were passive aggressive, and I used it to "protect" myself, label them as the one with the problem, never having to take responsibility for my own feelings. Or let anyone know I was angry or scared.
Time to take an inventory I think.
Beth

coffeedrinker

My XAH was most definitely passive-agressive. Worst trait he had, drove me nuts.

One morning, we were planning to go to Chicago for a dance competition (daughter's). Her neighbor/best friend had slept over, as she was also coming with us (same dance group).

On the morning we were to leave, I walked into the kitchen and saw him tearing the door OFF the microwave oven over the stove. Yeah, with his hands. It was a mangled mess. I'm like "uh....uh....please don't do this. please don't do this" in a calm, robot-like tone. A moment later, my children and the friend came into the room, having just woken up. That was the day I decided I wanted a divorce.

Backstory: the door had been getting loose for awhile, so now to use the microwave, you had to hold the door shut. i told him i would get another one, but i just hadn't gotten to it. not excusing myself from blame - i didn't follow through in a timely way. but sheesh, i mean wow. how 'bout you tell me you're getting impatient, angry, maybe remind me???????

likeawave

I am lucky to be direct about how I feel and like to talk things through regarding facts and allowing for misunderstandings and a patient use of forgiveness. My alcoholic brothers are both quite frighteningly ragers and exceptionally skilled at passively expresssing as well. Probably why i refuse to do either consciously.

When a person loses their temper i acknowledge its good at least to know why their anger needs a way to find resolve, and try to encourage expression to the one they are angry with rather than just venting to vent.

But i am going to laugh at the "innocent retribution in my ability to rouse fear and trembling when they see me come a knocking.". I dont stay silent when watching passive aggression, so its real clear when someone's trying such BS as pa. So they use forgetfulness as it's really sneaky way to get even. Such nasty pe
ople.. they deserve to be themselves. Lol