iwantcontrol

In a way, I feel stupid asking this question but I also need that push to do the right thing and take my own advice. OK (apologies for repetition from my other post), so my ABF has been drinking last night and today since going home after our nice easter weekend together. He was drinking before 9am I think, but I called him for a chat at lunch time and he finally answered, said hello, told me he’d lost his travel ticket to which I replied ‘oh dear’ and ‘i guess you’ll have to walk home then’ (less than hour walk and he’d been discussing the other day walking for more exercise anyway). He said something like, ‘oh thanks, you’re a lot of help. Bye.’ and hung up! Now, normally I’d ring him back or text him saying how stupid it is to hang up etc etc, but I haven’t. He hasn’t sent me a message or rang me either.

Now, my question is, what is the best, most appropriate way to respond to this stupid, childish behaviour? I’m guessing the correct response is to leave him alone, not send anything or call, but do I reply when/if he calls/texts me or just not answer? I don’t want to stoop down to his level of hanging up and ignoring calls, but if I do answer, what do I say? I want this behaviour to stop and I don’t want to allow him to cross my boundary by accepting rude behaviour, but how do I do this?

Sorry it is such a silly question, but I’m starting from square 1 on this and I want to try something different and really show him I mean it when I say I don’t want to be treated like this anymore.

Summerpeach

ok, this is where we want to react and call them and give them a pc of our mind. I've been here so many times.

My therapist said "Treat them like the child they are behaving like and IGNORE them"

When I would take fits as a child and would scream "MOMMMMMYYY", my Mom would walk away and ignore me.
I learned quickly, that was no way to get her attention.

Do not call him, leave him be and when he calls you, don't even bring up his behavior.
Make today about you :-)

suki44883

It's not a silly question. Everyone has been new to detachment at some point. My suggestions are, be firm that you won't drive him home. He'll figure out a way to do it. He's an adult. If he texts, you can decide whether or not to respond depending on what he says. If he is abusive or whining for a ride, my advice is to not respond. If he calls, I'd let it go to voice mail and then listen to find out what he said. If it is abusive or whining for a ride, my advice is not to respond. If he's just calling to chat, you can decide whether or not to respond.

iwantcontrol

thanks, i feel silly even having to ask this really!
so if he calls today (which he probably will) and i answer, how do i not mention the behaviour? I will be annoyed at him and he'll be able to tell that. He might even have forgotten what he said and how, and then he wont be learning anything from me ignoring him. I want him to realise that i am treating him a certain way because of what he said. Does this sound wrong? I hate playing these games, but i have to respond differetnly this time.

suki44883

You are still trying to control him. It's not your job to teach him anything. It's your job to take care of yourself and let him do the same for himself. Your motives for detachment should be to protect yourself, not to teach him a lesson.

Summerpeach

It's not silly, it's tough to learn how to apply boundaries.

Will mentioning his behavior start a fight? Will it fuel him to get angier? IF so, then don't mention it, he knows he acted out of sorts.
You can say "The next time you act this way or hang up on me, I won't accept this"
Then drop it and let the resentment go
I know how hard this is, because this is where I struggle now

LaTeeDa

It's only playing games if you are trying to 'teach him a lesson.' Boundaries are not about getting the other person to respond the way you want them to. Boundaries are for self protection. You don't have to listen to his whining and you don't have to give him a ride. What he chooses to do about it is up to him.

L

stella27

There are so many quotes from you people that I could print out and hang on my wall.

Suki, I love this one:
It's not your job to TEACH him anything...Your motives for detachment should be to protect yourself.

stella27

The hard part about boundaries is not setting them - it is letting go/detaching/giving up the OUTCOME or RESULTS. The fallout is not your problem. You are protected by your boundaries. It is a method of keeping yourself safe.

stella27

or don't tell him. I have learned (here! thank you!) that we don't have to announce our boundaries.

suki44883

I'm a firm believer that it is not necessary to announce your boundaries. After all, they are for YOU, not a mechanism to keep him in line. He's free to do whatever he wants. You are free to accept it or not.

Summerpeach

in my case, it's been encouraged by our therapists to create healthy communication and stating boundaries is part of that healthy communication.
Maybe not all need to be stated, since many are obvious, but to me, it's not healthy communication to not let each other know what each others boundaries are.

iwantcontrol

thanks, just one thing i'm not clear about - if you just carry on as if nothing has happened and don't mention the boundary crossing, then aren't you accepting that it is ok to treat me this way etc? like if you told a teenager not to stay out late and then they did and you just ignored them for a bit and carried on as if nothing had happened, isn't that jsut condoning the behaviour so they will do it again? I am a little confused. I get that the boundaries are for you, but surely the only way someone wont cross them again is to learn from crossing them the first time?

LaTeeDa

He is not a teenager staying out late. He is an ADULT living his life the way he wants to. You are not his mommy.

L

lc2846

Definitely true if you're working on a relationship with a nonaddicted person.

From my two years of reading on this board, I've seen way too many instances of the addict turning the non-addict's attempt at healthy communication into yet another method of manipulation. That's because addiction is a disease of dishonesty. If honest communication isn't a two-way street, it's not honest. Then detachment becomes the only way.

iwantcontrol

i know, maybe a bad choice of example. its just i thought boundaries had to have a consequence of crossing them - if there is no consequence other than i dont speak to him for a few hours, then aren't i allowing him to treat me this way again and again?

Summerpeach

Yes IWANT:, but you don't create boundaries to teach them a lesson.
When I used to get in trouble as a teen, my Mom was silent, Scary silent actually.
Then when I would ask to borrow the car, she would deny me. I knew what I did to lose this privliage, and your BF knows that haning up and being a jerk is wrong.
But again, my Mom didn't deny me her car to teach me, she denied it because I was an ass and she was not going to take my sh*t!

Summerpeach

true and not true. Many non addicts are unhealthy as well, It's not exclusive to addicts.
Healthy communication can be accomplished with addicts who are recoverying and or are "recovered"

This board is not the final authority on addicts and how they act. There are FINE meetings and conventions where many recovered people attend and talk about healthy ways as well.

suki44883

After all these months, don't you think he already knows your boundaries? You may not have spelled them out as such, but he knows you want him to quit drinking. He knows this. He continues to drink. Either accept him as he is right now, or end the relationship. Those are your only options.

lc2846

Iwant--have you thought of "try it and see how it feels"? A lot of people have recommended it, and it seems like you've tried everything else. If detachment still feels bad to you after a few weeks of experimenting, you can always stop.