Quick question – think the answer is obvious!

Old 04-07-2010, 02:21 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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thanks everyone for the boundary advice. He did call and didn't even mention what had happened. When I asked if he got home ok after hanging up earlier he told me he didn't hang up. What a load of crap. I have decided that a boundary for me now is not to engage in conversation with him on the phone when he is drinking - if he calls I will answer but get out of the conversation as quickly as possible without being rude or saying why. He knows why. He knows I don't want him to drink and he knows I dont like talking to him or being around him when he's drinking. When I see him sober I may tell him my boundary, but I may not. I will see if I feel it will help me. I hate talking to him when he's drinking so I'm not going to do it anymore. As for seeing him when he's drinking, he doesn't usually want me there anyway but sometimes he conceals it and its only obvious when I get to his house - in that case I guess I would have to leave and go home again - but I know that would cause an argument which I dont want, so I guess I could leave it up to my discretion and do whatever feels right for me at the time (maybe while he falls asleep, I could use the internet, watch tv, read or just go home and leave a note) - that is the healthy way isn't it?

He sounds like he's drinking early again today (not 100% sure) and I am supposed to be going to his house tonight so I think this is a great opportunity to enforce my new boundaries, and I'm feeling good about that at the moment.
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Old 04-07-2010, 02:55 AM
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I always found detaching easier than boundaries. I think to set boundaries in place you have to have a certain level of self respect. I found after living with an A for so long and accepting the unacceptable that my self respect was near nil.
So detaching first, for me, was a must.
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Old 04-07-2010, 04:34 AM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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when we confuse setting a boundary with cause and effect/punishment and consequences, we have gone off the path of what the boundary is supposed to work like. i know many have said this in this thread, but for me i had to hear it a lot before it started to make sense to me.

i too agree that it is better to simply state what that boundary is.

iwant, instead of just acting like the bathtub got full and you have to hang up, i would suggest having your "gotta go" statement handy. every time he calls and he is drunk, abusive or nasty, use that statement and leave the conversation.

ex: "i feel you are disrespecting me in this conversation. i gotta hang up." click.
"it sounds as though you have been drinking. gotta go" click.
"i only wish to engage with you when you are sober. i need to hang up." click

i suspect the behavior that you don't wanna be around will eventually stop. it might escalate first, though, as he tries to control you! i also think you can't play it one way one day, and then get weak (relapse) on another. you need to be consistent.

can you say why you are hanging in there with him if he is still drinking despite your desire for him to not be? what is the relationship payoff for you? is it the good times, and how frequent are they?
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Old 04-07-2010, 06:58 AM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by iwantcontrol View Post
I hate talking to him when he's drinking so I'm not going to do it anymore.
Good for you. That's exactly what boundaries are all about.

Originally Posted by iwantcontrol View Post
As for seeing him when he's drinking, he doesn't usually want me there anyway but sometimes he conceals it and its only obvious when I get to his house - in that case I guess I would have to leave and go home again - but I know that would cause an argument which I dont want,
Remember--it takes two people to have an argument. If you don't participate, he has to argue with himself, lol.

L
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Old 04-07-2010, 07:09 AM
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If your boundary is that you do not talk on the phone when he is drinking you simply make the statement you've thought of ahead of time for such a situation and hang up. No need to ever discuss that encounter again. If he brings it up simply state "I won't speak with you when you are drinking." and say nothing more about it. Walk away if you must.

If your boundary is that you are not around him while he is drinking, then when you get to his house and discover he has been drinking you say "I gotta go. I'll be back when you aren't drinking.' and turn around and walk out that door. Every.Single.Time. You don't have to worry about an argument because there is no discussion. You simply leave without saying anything further.

I struggle mightily with boundaries but I have learned one small thing - don't discuss. The discussion is a hook, a manipulation, an invitation to trample my boundary, my self respect, my very sanity in the end when my thinking was so cloudy and confused. Say what you mean in as few words as possible and then be quiet and leave. That is the most powerful thing ever, and it is something I can do. It works especially well for me if I have a few one liners tucked in my pocket because they come out without having to think on my feet. They keep it focused. My xah went nuts when I refused to engage/discuss. He subconsciously knew that if I quit the discussions, he lost all his power through emotional manipulation, which he was very very skilled at. This caused me anxiety because I have a lot of anxiety when other people are uncomfortable, especially if I caused it, but I was mostly grateful that it was him feeling all the anxiety and desperation and not me for a change. Also, I couldn't get away from him because we lived together. I had to just ignore the endless stream of things he'd say to me. He'd blab on for hours and I wouldn't say 10 words. I couldn't leave because I wouldn't leave the kids alone with him in the end. I had no physical boundary until he moved out. My silence saved me I think.
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