so afraid
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: utah
Posts: 42
so afraid
I had a hunch that my AH got a dui the other night. He called me this morning and said he had to come clean with me and he told me. Thank god no one was hurt. That's my worst fear. He's about 4 hours away at his old apartment. Was supposed to check out today and head back to his parents who are another 6 hours away. He sounded very sad, but kinda okay. I just keep thinking if he can get home he'll have a chance. Who knows? Well, I called him tonight to see if he made it and he's still at the apartment. Sounded drunk and crying again. Was able to tell me that he spoke with an old counselor from one of his rehabs and they want him to check in for a few days to be evaluated. He also said the counselor told him he had never seen someone so young reach stage 4 (the last stage he said). Then he said he might go away for a long rehab, like 6-9 months. I tried to be encouraging but I think I always overdo it. I fear for his life. He's not a functional alcoholic and I am so afraid the call is coming. He needs help so bad and could even be suicidal...just cannot seem to function anymore. his parents have been doing the tough love thing and won't go to him and I can't go to him because I have other responsibilities. He claimed his life was a disaster, his kids don't know him, he's losing everything, etc. Hello??? I just pray that this is his bottom because if it isn't I dont' think he's going to make it. thanks for listening...
paige
paige
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
It's scary when someone
you love is so lost. I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this. If you are a person who prays, say a prayer for him. Ask God to send some light into his life.
When I am having dark times in my life, I am reminded of a Linda Rondstat lyric:
Oh Lord, if you're listenin'
You know I'm no Christian
And I ain't got much comin' to me
So send down some sunshine
And throw out Your life line
And keep me from blowin' away
I hope he finds his life line. You too. God bless.
Peace,
Gabe
When I am having dark times in my life, I am reminded of a Linda Rondstat lyric:
Oh Lord, if you're listenin'
You know I'm no Christian
And I ain't got much comin' to me
So send down some sunshine
And throw out Your life line
And keep me from blowin' away
I hope he finds his life line. You too. God bless.
Peace,
Gabe
Paused
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: South Africa
Posts: 2
I know how you feel. My fiance is never allowed to see his family again. The only way he is allowed to see his son (from a previous relationship) is if I am with him. He claims all he wants is his son and to know him and look after him. (the child's mom died a few months ago). We live in a different city and he has promised his son that he will see him at Christmas and he will buy him anything he wants (his idea not mine). Truthfully he wont have a cent and then he will try and manipulate me to give it to him. It will then be my fault that he is not with his son. He is going to lose everything he loves including me if he does not start realising that he needs help.
Sorry I am proabaly not cheering you up much but I could so relate to your mail. I just want you to know you are not alone. I am just as confused as you are.
Terri2000
Sorry I am proabaly not cheering you up much but I could so relate to your mail. I just want you to know you are not alone. I am just as confused as you are.
Terri2000
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Paige,
I see these situations as opportunities. Your SO is at a crossroads. Maybe he won't take the turn this time and maybe he will but what you do or don't do right now is critical.
Do NOT take responsibilty in any way. This is his, not yours. He will lose his license for a time...look into your crystal ball and try to anticipate how he could try to make this impact you and what you can do to prevent that.
This is going to cost alot of money. Again...thinking it through can prevent confusion for you in the future.
When Ward got his DUI I said nothing and I did nothing. In his case he asked for very little...I drove him to work and to drunk class. But he found his own ride home from work because it was not convienient for me.
Polish your tools and use them. You do not want to soften this for him in any way. If you do you are only making it easier for him to do it again because he will know you will be there for him.
Hugs,
JT
I see these situations as opportunities. Your SO is at a crossroads. Maybe he won't take the turn this time and maybe he will but what you do or don't do right now is critical.
Do NOT take responsibilty in any way. This is his, not yours. He will lose his license for a time...look into your crystal ball and try to anticipate how he could try to make this impact you and what you can do to prevent that.
This is going to cost alot of money. Again...thinking it through can prevent confusion for you in the future.
When Ward got his DUI I said nothing and I did nothing. In his case he asked for very little...I drove him to work and to drunk class. But he found his own ride home from work because it was not convienient for me.
Polish your tools and use them. You do not want to soften this for him in any way. If you do you are only making it easier for him to do it again because he will know you will be there for him.
Hugs,
JT
Learning to love life...
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Hi Paige,
I KNOW exactly where you are; I know the fear.
My husband was only 29 when he was losing everything as well... and was well on his way to his own grave from his addiciton to alcohol and crack-cocaine. He tried a few times to commit suicide. And all of this time, I was at home with the kids; scared to death that this was it.
The last time G used it WAS a bottom for him - he woke up from his high with no vehicle, no money, no job, no family, no home... and with the stone cold realization that he was inches from his own death.
I think that the A HAS to reach these places; it is vital that they understand what is at stake. And as hard as it for US, they cannot reach these places when we keep standing in their way, catching them when they fall... or making the landing a little softer.
It IS scary tho... We have to surrender as well. We have to believe that by letting go, we are doing the best we can do. We have to put our faith in our HP to take care of things... because WE are simply not that powerful. We can love and worry and take care of our A's till the cows come home, and it doesn't make a shred of difference; only emotional turmoil for us.
Practice saying the serenity prayer, over and over... each time you feel overwhelmed; it will help to remind you that you can only change yourself, and that it's SAFE to leave the rest up to your HP.
Thinking of you today Paige
Meg
I KNOW exactly where you are; I know the fear.
My husband was only 29 when he was losing everything as well... and was well on his way to his own grave from his addiciton to alcohol and crack-cocaine. He tried a few times to commit suicide. And all of this time, I was at home with the kids; scared to death that this was it.
The last time G used it WAS a bottom for him - he woke up from his high with no vehicle, no money, no job, no family, no home... and with the stone cold realization that he was inches from his own death.
I think that the A HAS to reach these places; it is vital that they understand what is at stake. And as hard as it for US, they cannot reach these places when we keep standing in their way, catching them when they fall... or making the landing a little softer.
It IS scary tho... We have to surrender as well. We have to believe that by letting go, we are doing the best we can do. We have to put our faith in our HP to take care of things... because WE are simply not that powerful. We can love and worry and take care of our A's till the cows come home, and it doesn't make a shred of difference; only emotional turmoil for us.
Practice saying the serenity prayer, over and over... each time you feel overwhelmed; it will help to remind you that you can only change yourself, and that it's SAFE to leave the rest up to your HP.
Thinking of you today Paige
Meg
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Meg
Thank you for the reminder to let go and let God. I have been wallowing in my problems lately instead of turning them over. I need to say the Serenity Prayer many times a day. This will remind me that I can't, God can, so I'll let him.
Peace,
Gabe
Peace,
Gabe
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Washington
Posts: 129
Hi Paige,
Your post made me stop and think about my situation, too. Last time my H got drunk was for a week by himself out in the woods with $100+ worth of whiskey. When he ran out of booze and called to come home I said no. when he told me if he couldn’t come home he was going to die, I said “you are going to die whether you come home or not, but you’re not coming home.” He lost everything too—custody of his kids, me, our daughter, the support of his parents (who 3 years ago paid $6K in lawyer fees to keep him out of jail from unpaid DUI fees from several years ago) a motor-cross dirt bike that did not belong to him, just to name a few things.
I told him I would give him a ride somewhere but I could not live like this anymore. I ended up taking him to the ER that night when he started talking about taking his own life. The hardest thing I did was to drop him off and tell the doctor “he’s been gone for a week, he’s still drunk, he’s talking about suicide, I’m not coming to pick him back up, so you’ll have to let him know he is on his own now.” I went home and cried all night and still had to get up and go to work the next day.
I made plans right away to start going to Alanon, after being in denial for years that my life was unmanageable and totally out of control.
Something happened to him this time—whether it was the loss of everything, the fact that he really was near death when I dropped him off to the ER, whether it was me finally standing firm, or whether it was a combination of all those things—he went through treatment, went on to a recovery house for 2 months, and has been sober now for 5 months and counting.
Something happened to me this time too-- Instead of feeling sorry for him, trying to control him, trying to control the situation, I turned my focus on me and started looking hard at myself, what were the unhealthy, co-dependent things I was doing? Where were my healthy boundaries? Why did I let myself be manipulated and guilted?
Today, we are back together. Today he talks openly and honestly about his recovery. Today I don’t nag him about anything, I don’t question his sobriety, I don’t check his old hiding places or look for new ones. Today I work on me and my recovery and I support him and his recovery. Today I know that if he should start using again, I will be able to make good decisions for me and the kids.
One of the saddest, most pathetic things I’ve ever seen is watching my H walk through the door that night in May, still half drunk, and looking like death, knowing that he had no where else to go. Being strong and knowing I had to say no, because by always rescuing him, I was making it easy for him to keep using (he always had a place to come back to).
One of the greatest things I’ve ever seen is witnessing my H at the end of treatment, telling me in front of a room full of people, that he had found new hope and strength and was doing this for himself this time. Now I see a man who is regaining his self pride, looks healthy, and is full of life again.
Pray for your AH, go to meetings, come here and vent when you need to, and read JT’s reply again—she has so much wisdom to share.
Hugs and prayers,
Your post made me stop and think about my situation, too. Last time my H got drunk was for a week by himself out in the woods with $100+ worth of whiskey. When he ran out of booze and called to come home I said no. when he told me if he couldn’t come home he was going to die, I said “you are going to die whether you come home or not, but you’re not coming home.” He lost everything too—custody of his kids, me, our daughter, the support of his parents (who 3 years ago paid $6K in lawyer fees to keep him out of jail from unpaid DUI fees from several years ago) a motor-cross dirt bike that did not belong to him, just to name a few things.
I told him I would give him a ride somewhere but I could not live like this anymore. I ended up taking him to the ER that night when he started talking about taking his own life. The hardest thing I did was to drop him off and tell the doctor “he’s been gone for a week, he’s still drunk, he’s talking about suicide, I’m not coming to pick him back up, so you’ll have to let him know he is on his own now.” I went home and cried all night and still had to get up and go to work the next day.
I made plans right away to start going to Alanon, after being in denial for years that my life was unmanageable and totally out of control.
Something happened to him this time—whether it was the loss of everything, the fact that he really was near death when I dropped him off to the ER, whether it was me finally standing firm, or whether it was a combination of all those things—he went through treatment, went on to a recovery house for 2 months, and has been sober now for 5 months and counting.
Something happened to me this time too-- Instead of feeling sorry for him, trying to control him, trying to control the situation, I turned my focus on me and started looking hard at myself, what were the unhealthy, co-dependent things I was doing? Where were my healthy boundaries? Why did I let myself be manipulated and guilted?
Today, we are back together. Today he talks openly and honestly about his recovery. Today I don’t nag him about anything, I don’t question his sobriety, I don’t check his old hiding places or look for new ones. Today I work on me and my recovery and I support him and his recovery. Today I know that if he should start using again, I will be able to make good decisions for me and the kids.
One of the saddest, most pathetic things I’ve ever seen is watching my H walk through the door that night in May, still half drunk, and looking like death, knowing that he had no where else to go. Being strong and knowing I had to say no, because by always rescuing him, I was making it easy for him to keep using (he always had a place to come back to).
One of the greatest things I’ve ever seen is witnessing my H at the end of treatment, telling me in front of a room full of people, that he had found new hope and strength and was doing this for himself this time. Now I see a man who is regaining his self pride, looks healthy, and is full of life again.
Pray for your AH, go to meetings, come here and vent when you need to, and read JT’s reply again—she has so much wisdom to share.
Hugs and prayers,
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Hi Paige,
Consider yourself hugged!
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results every time....
That was me before working the Al-Anon program....If nothing changes notthing changes....I needed to keep the focus on ME and let God take cares of EVERYONE ELSE.....as long as I rushed in and took care of them and they drinking .ect. nothing changed....but my dieing in the process WOULD NOT, COULD NOT, have saved them from them selves....Sooner or later I had to realize they Have to take the responsbility for their own actions...
Love and prayers from one who cares
Consider yourself hugged!
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results every time....
That was me before working the Al-Anon program....If nothing changes notthing changes....I needed to keep the focus on ME and let God take cares of EVERYONE ELSE.....as long as I rushed in and took care of them and they drinking .ect. nothing changed....but my dieing in the process WOULD NOT, COULD NOT, have saved them from them selves....Sooner or later I had to realize they Have to take the responsbility for their own actions...
Love and prayers from one who cares
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