Day 1 to this community
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Fresno, CA
Posts: 5
Day 1 to this community
The truth is that I'v been needing something like this for a while. I mean, who do you share with about your life with an addict husband without them building judgement against him, or you? I thank God I ran into this group today. I renew my faith daily about my situaion, but today was especially tough. I read a lot of postings in this site and felt instantly connected. I know I will find some support here along with future al-anon meetings in my area I will start attending. Today is the first day I seek for support in the 5-year ride with an alcoholic. (I am new to chatting/posting/forums, so I apologize if my lingo is incorrect at times.) :o
I'm sorry for rambling on........let me introduce myself. I am the wife of a recovering addict (crystal meth and alcohol). We are in our early 30's and have 2 kids (11yr-daughter and 13yr-son). He was on crystal meth for 2 years and has been drinking for 5 years. Today marks 111 days of sobriety from meth and day 9 for alcohol (for both of us). I'm a true social drinker and so would join him 4-8 times per month depending on situations. (I never tried or been on meth)
Now on day 9 - It seems like the past 3 days have been the hardest emotionally for him, therefore, very hard for me. He seems very mad and angry. He doesn't take it out on the kids, only me. I'm trying not to take it personally-but I feel I'm growing resentful. I don't know what to expect from this recovery. Can someone give me an clue? Thanks for listening, this felt good.
I'm sorry for rambling on........let me introduce myself. I am the wife of a recovering addict (crystal meth and alcohol). We are in our early 30's and have 2 kids (11yr-daughter and 13yr-son). He was on crystal meth for 2 years and has been drinking for 5 years. Today marks 111 days of sobriety from meth and day 9 for alcohol (for both of us). I'm a true social drinker and so would join him 4-8 times per month depending on situations. (I never tried or been on meth)
Now on day 9 - It seems like the past 3 days have been the hardest emotionally for him, therefore, very hard for me. He seems very mad and angry. He doesn't take it out on the kids, only me. I'm trying not to take it personally-but I feel I'm growing resentful. I don't know what to expect from this recovery. Can someone give me an clue? Thanks for listening, this felt good.
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Stick with us! This place is chalk full of suggestions and great to vent out in. My situation and circumstances are not where you are. So, I have no advice. But I do know many others will post here shortly!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
Caligirl2010 - Welcome to SR.
I first found this site in Oct of 2003 when I was more overwhelmed, distraught, confused and angrier than I ever thought possible after decades of living with an alcoholic ... and it was here I suddenly began to understand that what I was experiencing, was also being experienced by so many others in my situation. Life began to make sense again. To this day, I have found it to be the most honest and real source of information in understanding what sharing your life with someone under the influence of a complex and baffling addiction. I agree that it is almost impossible to be open and honest with outsiders about the unique problems we face. Too many times people are quick to judge and think there should be some simple “fix”. I truly believe only those that have shared their lives with an addict can truly understand the enormous challenges unique to these circumstances.
I have come to understand that an active addict does not behave in a rational way .. and that one should not expect rational behavior from an active addict. I wasted too many years trying to reason with someone that simply was not capable of logical thinking regarding anything to do with his addiction. The primary focal point of my AH’s life was drinking and trying to keep it hidden from me ... and everyone and everything else came in second. A hard reality to accept. Once I began to understand how powerful addiction was, the calmer I became and better decisions I was able to make.
My AH finally became sober for approx. 2 years. At first I was so hopeful, but then disappointed at his attitude and behavior even though he was truly committed to sobriety and attended AA frequently. I eventually began to understand that this is common in newly recovering alcoholics. I also learned it takes at least 6 months to just physically recover from the damage alcohol has done to the mind and body ... and the period of withdrawal can be extremely difficult and potentially deadly if not properly supervised.
In other words, the addict faces so many challenges mentally and physically during those first few weeks and months of sobriety, that it is pretty typical to see frustrated, angry and struggling behaviors during recovery. And with nearly all addiction issues, blaming and anger directed at the one closest to them is pretty common yet very disheartening. It can be beneficial for the addict to have some type of support group during these struggles. My AH never would have achieved any recovery without AA.
For my AH, within about 6 months to a year, the sober sane man I had married emerged once more. I just wish I had known all of this when my AH was going through it... it would have saved a lot of heartache and confusion during those first few months. Unfortunately, the sobriety only lasted 2 years ... but for awhile I had my sober husband back again before addiction stole him away once more.
You have found a great place here at SR... keep coming back.
I first found this site in Oct of 2003 when I was more overwhelmed, distraught, confused and angrier than I ever thought possible after decades of living with an alcoholic ... and it was here I suddenly began to understand that what I was experiencing, was also being experienced by so many others in my situation. Life began to make sense again. To this day, I have found it to be the most honest and real source of information in understanding what sharing your life with someone under the influence of a complex and baffling addiction. I agree that it is almost impossible to be open and honest with outsiders about the unique problems we face. Too many times people are quick to judge and think there should be some simple “fix”. I truly believe only those that have shared their lives with an addict can truly understand the enormous challenges unique to these circumstances.
I have come to understand that an active addict does not behave in a rational way .. and that one should not expect rational behavior from an active addict. I wasted too many years trying to reason with someone that simply was not capable of logical thinking regarding anything to do with his addiction. The primary focal point of my AH’s life was drinking and trying to keep it hidden from me ... and everyone and everything else came in second. A hard reality to accept. Once I began to understand how powerful addiction was, the calmer I became and better decisions I was able to make.
My AH finally became sober for approx. 2 years. At first I was so hopeful, but then disappointed at his attitude and behavior even though he was truly committed to sobriety and attended AA frequently. I eventually began to understand that this is common in newly recovering alcoholics. I also learned it takes at least 6 months to just physically recover from the damage alcohol has done to the mind and body ... and the period of withdrawal can be extremely difficult and potentially deadly if not properly supervised.
In other words, the addict faces so many challenges mentally and physically during those first few weeks and months of sobriety, that it is pretty typical to see frustrated, angry and struggling behaviors during recovery. And with nearly all addiction issues, blaming and anger directed at the one closest to them is pretty common yet very disheartening. It can be beneficial for the addict to have some type of support group during these struggles. My AH never would have achieved any recovery without AA.
For my AH, within about 6 months to a year, the sober sane man I had married emerged once more. I just wish I had known all of this when my AH was going through it... it would have saved a lot of heartache and confusion during those first few months. Unfortunately, the sobriety only lasted 2 years ... but for awhile I had my sober husband back again before addiction stole him away once more.
You have found a great place here at SR... keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Georgia
Posts: 71
Good luck, I truly believe this place saved my sanity and helped me develop a way to deal with my AH. I see that no matter what crazy thing he does someone else here has been through that situtaion also.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 385
Hi Caligirl, and welcome (btw...are you on the 'left" coast?) LA is where I originally got clean and sober, and the recovery community there is HUGE.
Seekingwisdom gave you some real fine wisdom. I am a recovered addict and alcoholic, and I'm happy to share some of my own experience, strength and hope with you.
After many years of recovery, and seeing my life retrospectively, I realize that my drinking/drugging was my solution to my self loathing and fear. It worked really well for a long time, but ended up just making the problem worse.
When I stopped, I had no "fallback" position by which I could deal with or regulate my feelings. All those awful feelings that I'd blocked for so long were all there awaiting my attention. It was pretty ugly for a while: lots of fear, resentment, anger, self pity.....self hatred.....hopelessness. As SW mentioned, the first six months I was completely insane because my brain was just beginning to heal. The best thing I did was (finally, after relapsing over and over again) got a no-nonsense sponsor who guided me through the 12 steps with NO procrastination. They are designed to relieve us of those fears, resentments, anger and self pity....and it works.
In AA, alcoholism is often described as a "threefold disease," that affects us physically, psychologically and spiritually. I first "put the plug in the jug," and work on the physical sobriety. Then came what some of us call "emotional recovery." This was the real challenge for me and, quite frankly....looking back on it....I'd say it took me a solid three years before I'd call myself in "emotional recovery." And the spiritual recovery was something I worked on from the very start, providing me with the inner strength (faith) I needed to work on those emotional issues.
It was a real roller coaster. My marriage unfortunately didn't survive the ride, but if you are willing to become involved in your OWN recovery program, via alanon, your relationship may very well make it. IMO...both partners need to be in recovery for the relationship to be a healthy one. You focus on your program....and leave him to his program.
One more thing: as the "bad boy" alcoholic to my "responsible mommy" wife, I could never recover. I needed to grow up, which meant that she needed to let me. IOW....avoid trying to control him. He'll have to sink or swim on his own. Alanon will be a huge help for you in travelling this counterintuitive road.
I almost forgot: do google "Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS)." It will help you understand this very difficult healing process.
As for his anger....trust me: he is angry with himself and probably terrified of living life drug free. It's all about him right now...and it needs to be....until he's got some of that emotiional and spiritual recovery. And you need to be all about YOU...for the same reasons.
blessings
zbear
Seekingwisdom gave you some real fine wisdom. I am a recovered addict and alcoholic, and I'm happy to share some of my own experience, strength and hope with you.
After many years of recovery, and seeing my life retrospectively, I realize that my drinking/drugging was my solution to my self loathing and fear. It worked really well for a long time, but ended up just making the problem worse.
When I stopped, I had no "fallback" position by which I could deal with or regulate my feelings. All those awful feelings that I'd blocked for so long were all there awaiting my attention. It was pretty ugly for a while: lots of fear, resentment, anger, self pity.....self hatred.....hopelessness. As SW mentioned, the first six months I was completely insane because my brain was just beginning to heal. The best thing I did was (finally, after relapsing over and over again) got a no-nonsense sponsor who guided me through the 12 steps with NO procrastination. They are designed to relieve us of those fears, resentments, anger and self pity....and it works.
In AA, alcoholism is often described as a "threefold disease," that affects us physically, psychologically and spiritually. I first "put the plug in the jug," and work on the physical sobriety. Then came what some of us call "emotional recovery." This was the real challenge for me and, quite frankly....looking back on it....I'd say it took me a solid three years before I'd call myself in "emotional recovery." And the spiritual recovery was something I worked on from the very start, providing me with the inner strength (faith) I needed to work on those emotional issues.
It was a real roller coaster. My marriage unfortunately didn't survive the ride, but if you are willing to become involved in your OWN recovery program, via alanon, your relationship may very well make it. IMO...both partners need to be in recovery for the relationship to be a healthy one. You focus on your program....and leave him to his program.
One more thing: as the "bad boy" alcoholic to my "responsible mommy" wife, I could never recover. I needed to grow up, which meant that she needed to let me. IOW....avoid trying to control him. He'll have to sink or swim on his own. Alanon will be a huge help for you in travelling this counterintuitive road.
I almost forgot: do google "Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS)." It will help you understand this very difficult healing process.
As for his anger....trust me: he is angry with himself and probably terrified of living life drug free. It's all about him right now...and it needs to be....until he's got some of that emotiional and spiritual recovery. And you need to be all about YOU...for the same reasons.
blessings
zbear
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Fresno, CA
Posts: 5
Thank you all for this very useful information. One of the things I've been most acused of is not understanding. I used to think all our problems would be fixed the minute he stopped drinking. At one point, the combination of drugs/drinking was so heavy I feared losing him. He was driving drunk every day, he even attempted suiced while in a treatment facility. At that point my view changed from saving my husband and marriage, to saving a human being, my best friend. Now I feel I have one foot forward.......I will Google PAWS. You have to believe I want him to succeed even if our marriage doesn't. Again, thank you sooo much for your help and support.
ps. I'm from the Central Valley, smack in the center of California, Fresno.
ps. I'm from the Central Valley, smack in the center of California, Fresno.
to s/r
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 385
Originally Posted by treehugger77 
I have been here for about a week and I am so greatful!! I felt so lost and alone, I know I can aways get on here for support and kind words!! Welcome!
welcome aboard. I had a lifetime of feeling "lost and alone," and for much it I used alcohol and other drugs to cover up my fears. Once I stopped though, there was the "lost and alone" stuff again.
The first thing I really needed to....that you seem to have done....is identify those feelings and articulate them. next, I had to drum up the courage to reach out for help (I was alone because I believed no one could possibly like, love or care about me. I was full of self pity and hopelessness).
The results truly astonished me! There are so many loving, supportive, recovering and recovered people, dedicated to "passing it on," that I've never felt lost and alone since. This forum is a truly welcoming place, and I found a loving home in 12 Step recovery (AA and NA).
Who could have imagined all those people who thought and felt just the way I did???!!! what a relief!
You are not alone, and never have to be again.
blessings
zb
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi, welcome!!
My two humble cents.
We all got anger/resentment/grief/sadness whatever at any given time in our lives, we are all human.
That does not mean we have to use someone else as a sponge, doormat, punching bag, etc.
If he is unhappy now he has AA, his sponsor, forums like these, therapist, sports etc etc.
Being supportive of someone having a bad time is different from suffering their issues as if they were yours. They are not.
You are important too.
I wish both of you the best
My two humble cents.
We all got anger/resentment/grief/sadness whatever at any given time in our lives, we are all human.
That does not mean we have to use someone else as a sponge, doormat, punching bag, etc.
If he is unhappy now he has AA, his sponsor, forums like these, therapist, sports etc etc.
Being supportive of someone having a bad time is different from suffering their issues as if they were yours. They are not.
You are important too.
I wish both of you the best
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