MaryGoRound

O cool, KP.

Animals would be fun too. I kind of want a pet to take a stab at the loneliness, but I'm really bad at being on schedule and wouldn't want to do that to an animal. A rescue dog would be fun.

I want to work with abused children somehow. O maybe just one of the two. That's not codie is it? LOL.

Coffee, maybe I'm biased because I relate to how you feel about your A, but I love your sense of control you seem to have with your boundaries and how are careful not encourage others to do the same thing you are doing. I think it is sort of case by case basis as far as what boundaries need to be set in place. For the most part many need to go no contact and stay no contact. And we all know how hilariously similar all the stories are...but sometimes there are moments when someone's soul is shining through.

For example:

Wasted alcoholic swaying on your front porch crying for you to take him back.

vs.

Momentarily sober alcoholic waiting for you on your porch to say that he wants help and he's scared.


I might be wrong in the face of so many people on here who have seen, heard and done it many times over, but I think that if you can remain strong it is possible to handle what is given to you with a certain type of loving detachment that acknowledges the fact that say drunk guy #2 is sincere.
You remember what comes first (yourself) and make that person a priority because we know that it is a slippery slope.

I think it useful here to be reminded that actions are more telling too. I'm nervous for you about that Dr. call because if he doesn't act on it or find another avenue.....then we'll really know what he wanted.

I'm so happy for you! You have best of both worlds, he MAY get help and you're already feeling good! I would definitely back off a bit now if I were you just to protect myself, but you know him best. Careful girl We're here to support, but out there in the real world the only one looking out for you is you!

tpen

I am jealous in a way as I can tell you are happy, or relieved after giving him that contact. I can see myself being in your shoes and watching a movie after that. I'm really new here, but I do have this inner sense starting to develop quickly. This inner sense was only brought out after reading stories and matching it exactly to my experiences.

Thus, I would encourage you to do what you want, but know there could be fallbacks. Risks are worth taking if rewarded.

KeepPedaling

The thing is, I won't know. I know he made an appointment, but maybe he just emailed me that while he was drinking. I don't know. I, of course, would not be surprised if he started drinking as soon as he got home. I guess the only difference now is, that if he chooses to drink and not stay sober, I'll be sad for him and much less sad for me. Before, I was really broken hearted for me, but I've worked through a lot of that and really hope I'm much closer to coming to terms with reality, not fantasy.

I don't know what he'll do. I hope he works hard and gets sober. But I'm going to be ok either way. I'm so much less affected by his choices. Is that detachment? I don't know, but I feel a lot safer where I'm at right now.

Thanks Mary.

KeepPedaling

Hi Tpen, I wouldn't say "happy" after seeing him. It was a dangerous move on my part. I really risk my emotional well-being every time I open the door to my life for him. He's like that bull in a China shop when it comes to my feelings.

I did feel better knowing that he wasn't walking around thinking I hate him or don't love him. I feel better knowing he doesn't have to carry around those bad feelings in addition to all the other ones he has from a lifetime of drinking. I was able to be compassionate in that way because I've healed a lot from the damage done. But I'm fully aware that if I stay in contact with him now, I'll slide quickly back to that dark place I started from.

What do you mean by inner sense?

tpen

Seeing things clearly and making sense of all the oddities.

KeepPedaling

It's really amazing how similar all of our stories are. Thats one of the things I love about SR. It's like having a group of fortune tellers at your finger tips. They all knew what he would do before I did! And they pretty much know all the paths that I might choose. It's so life saving to have the combined knowledge of so many emotional survivors. I'm glad to see that you're spending some time in here learning. It's helped me so much. I hope it helps you too.

MaryGoRound

Ahh yes. I know that feeling you are describing- how you feel less affected but soooooo grateful to make sure he understands how much you love him. In a healthy way. Just like its not personal the choices they make about drinking, its not personal about the choices we make to not include active addiction in our lives. And for them to know we love them and fully understand and repsect our position is huge! Its like he's saying okay, she's not horrible. I love her and she just really wants me to get better. Now if he could just get to maybe I will. I read in a very current book about addiction that people linger in the "contemplation stage" about seeking treatment/help for any length of time. The hard part is getting into the action stage.
Here's hoping they do KP. And may we continue to detach, explore ourselves, and keep building on our experiences.

Dear A,

I don't need you. I love you dearly and wish you would get help, but my heart is big enough to love myself and others too until you do. I carry on and respect you enough to figure it out on your own. If you sincerely need a hand and you ask. I'm here.

That's what its like, isn't it. Its a great place to be in.

KeepPedaling

Exactly. Well put!