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Is he pulling the wool over my eyes?? AGAIN?!!

Old 04-05-2010, 12:07 AM
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Unhappy Is he pulling the wool over my eyes?? AGAIN?!!

My AH has had relapsed 3 times this year. The last one was 4 days ago I thought we were working through it and were moving forward. He started counseling with an addiction therapist which is great and a good step but still has not shared his relapse with his sponsor ( he says he does not like him and wants to find a new one when we move in July) nor has he told any one else family ect and has been to one meeting since. Than today was Easter and we were with our kids and family dying eggs (no one was drinking) I noticed he was missing for a while only to find him by their liquor cabinet with the cap off the gin oh and holding our six month old great!! He had not drunk any yet He came running after me blowing in my face so I would believe him. He was saying he was just about to put the cap back on and what a great step this was that he was able to stop himself when he came so close and He said he was going to tell me about it. A couple days after he relapsed? Is he really that sick? Or does he just really not want to be sober? I feel he is using his sickness as an excuse for having these “relapses”. He says he is truly dedicated to his recovery this time. blab la blab la I’m really not seeing it!! SHOW ME!!! I don’t know what to do once again I am so lost, sad, and alone!!!!! Its hard for me to tell is he that sick or does he not care about soberity!?
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Old 04-05-2010, 12:45 AM
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(((Treehugger)))

You can see what alcohol is doing to him. Can you see what it is doing to you? Whish I could be with you now , have a coffee and a nice chat. The life with addicts make us do things that are not normal to others - controlling/checking up/monitoring their every move. I did that for 20 years and I got so sick that I could not function. It paralyzed me.

So glad you found us. You are in a difficult place. You are starting to break through the denial - scary place to be. What would happen if you ignored his drinking habits 100 % and leave his whole recovery/or not recovery to him?
The answer we all here came to is this - nothing will change. He will do what he wants to do,regardless of what you say or do. If you nag - he can even use it as a reason to drink!

I would say that it would be good for you to detach. Leave his recovery/drinking totally up to him. For your sanity and health. I concentrated so much on my husband that my children suffered.

He will do what he will do. They love putting the blame on others - save yourself from being "a reason".

Detach !!
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Old 04-05-2010, 12:54 AM
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Thank you so much! I really needed to hear that. He has even said this to me. Thank you for the support! I have felt so alone its nice to know there are people out there that know how it feels!
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Old 04-05-2010, 01:05 AM
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You are not alone.

This site is a lifesaver. Sometimes during the day and night when I suffer - I think of the answers I read on this forum and it pulls me through . If I can go off-topic a while: my STBXAH and I are separated 2 years. Last night I got the little boy voicemails and I did not call back. Tries to get me back into rescuing. I did not respond. I learnt to detach and to look after myself by studying this board. We all have been more or less through the same drama.

Take care of you
Hugs
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Old 04-05-2010, 01:43 AM
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IMHO, he stopped because you caught him red handed. I think pouring the gin down the drain would be a good next step. Why does he have any around? Ask him to pour it out - you need to witness this yourself - and see what his reaction is.
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Old 04-05-2010, 01:49 AM
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I think dumping the gin out would be too controlling. His sobriety is up to him, right? Your happiness is up to you. Basically, he's your bottle of gin. Whether or not you choose to focus on him or on your own recovery is up to you.

I wish I could keep the lid on my bottle of gin all the time...
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Old 04-05-2010, 03:18 AM
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I think dumping the gin out would be too controlling. His sobriety is up to him

They just buy more and it is your budget too.
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Old 04-05-2010, 05:47 AM
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Originally Posted by treehugger77 View Post
Is he really that sick? Or does he just really not want to be sober?
umm....both are true?

you also get sucked into his recovery when you try and figure him out, figure out his reasons.


he may want, on some level, to be sober, but not yet ready.

he really is this sick.

we're here for you
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Old 04-05-2010, 07:20 AM
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Thanks every one!! I need you all so much right now!! It was not our gin we were visiting family. We have not had any booz in the house for over a year.
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Old 04-05-2010, 07:29 AM
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From my experience with my XAH you got it right when you said this:

"blab la blab"
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Old 04-05-2010, 07:35 AM
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We are here for you, I also have a baby and I visit the site at all hours of the day and night. My doctor (a recovering alcoholic), had to save my life twice after the birth of my baby, he straight up told me, leave him alone, go to your support system and let him go. If you try to interfere he will find a way around it-just let the rope unravel on its own. It is hard, but you and your baby (and any other children) are worth it. You have self worth, remember that.
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