lulu1974

Today is slightly painful for me. First holiday without seeing or any contact with my stbxah. Its painful knowing he cut off the contact with me because I am such a horrible person in his mind. I wish him a good holiday and the peace he is looking for.

I am bummed I couldnt make it to church. It makes me sad to go without him but in time I hope I can get that back.

I dont want to go to my family's today but I dont want to hurt them anymore.

I will pray that good things happen for me soon.

Ingwer

I know good things will happen. In 48 hours on this site if I have learned anything I have learned that good things do happen. And they happen to the people that help make them happen. Don't let today be hard, go to your families, enjoy the company, I know you don't feel like going, but do it anyway... in a way force yourself to go, and choose to have a good time. If we choose to do something, make a conscious effort, then we will have a good time because that is the choice that we made. And you DESERVE to have a good time.

tpen

Do you miss him and wish he was there? I also missed not hearing XGF sing next to me also.

lulu1974

Truth be told..I missed having my person there...not so much him. If it was him and I think back to how he was..nervous and uptight probably waiting till he gets home to have a drink. We never did have a nice holiday together. Either he was drunk or he was anxious thinking about when he can drink again..
I think I romanticize it. Today....I thought back to the night we got engaged..he got so drunk he told me he wanted to scr*w other girls. Nice memory to have right? Of course the next morning he didnt remember and I told him but he just ignored it. Who would miss someone like that. I am addicted to the drama and maybe that is what I miss.

Jadmack25

Had always gone to mass with my late XAH and it felt awful to be there alone, but I had a presence with me that got me over that.
May His love and presence be felt by you always.

God bless

lulu1974

[QUOTE=Jadmack25;2560704]Had always gone to mass with my late XAH and it felt awful to be there alone, but I had a presence with me that got me over that.
QUOTE]
Tomorrow I am getting up early and going by myself...its quiet during the week...I am going to try

TakingCharge999

lulu, those "first times" are the most difficult. It sucks but remember things change all the time... you won't feel like this forever and ever.... it will also change to something different.

When in doubt I ask myself "what gives me more peace now?". Sometimes I felt worse going somewhere and needed to be alone and mourn. Sometimes I knew it did me well and went to some meetings. "Trust your process" as Melody beatty says. Its a process.. it takes time...

Also, if you are not in shock and able to write in SR, it means your psyche knows it can handle the pain..... I don't recall where I read this, but it was soothing to know as a human I got everything in me to heal. I am programmed to survive, heal.. strive...and you too! hugs.

tpen

Thanks for saying this as it unveils the truth. How can they dismiss, ignore or not remember it. I had a similar experience and was embarrasing. Why do we ignore it too?

Thumper

The first here too. I was sad that he did not even call the kids. The 10yo did call him but he didn't ask to speak to the other boys. It was just a sad reminder that this is not the life I signed up for but you know what - my day was a lot less stressful, I wasn't walking around tense, and we had a good day. For this I am very thankful.