KerBearz

I saw my life with a little insight this morning... I feel that I am barely treading water because I have an anchor around my neck. Each time something happens that threatens my physical, financial, or emotional health - my head goes under water and I have to fight even harder to get back to the surface. It's getting harder and harder to fight my way back because I am getting weaker (or the anchor is getting heavier?) Either way - I know that if I just LET GO of the anchor then I have a much better chance of survival. But I am afraid - what if the anchor sinks? I know that God is so much more powerful than I and that He can save my AH - but what if He doesn't?

I think a lot of us feel this way - what will happen to my AH if I let go? I know this analogy isn't a new one, but boy do I feel it today.

Still Waters

What will happen will happen, and it may not look anything like what you've imagined. You don't have any control over your AH anyway, that's an illusion.

You DO have control over yourself however. What are you going to do for yourself today?

Freedom1990

God is either everything, or he is nothing, in my opinion.

I learned to let go a long time ago with my 32 year old AD.

She's still using.

I have faith God has a plan for her, just as he has had/does have for me.

Today I give her the dignity to make her own choices, no matter how poor they may be.

Freedom1990

Just to add to my above post, I believe that God gives us all the right to use our will as we see fit.

You say you know that God can save your AH.

God didn't save me from relapsing after 4 years. Rather he allowed me to make my choices, to run on self-will.

I learned from that painful experience, and God was there for me when I finally reached out again.

I am very careful when I am praying for someone else. I don't ask him to save anyone. I say "Thy will be done, not mine."

My sponsor often says "God gives everyone the right to commit suicide if that's what they choose. It's just a slow suicide for some."

He and I have both seen the parade in and out of the doors of AA, and we know that many don't make it back, and many never make it there in the first place.

Personally I will no longer take a front seat to anyone's alcoholism/addictions, and that includes my AD.

Impurrfect

As both an RA and a recovering codie, I understand the feeling that we're saving a loved one from "going under". However, it is so untrue.

When I was using, the only people who stopped ME were the police and the times I was in jail. However, I could see how someone could have kept me using a lot longer, had they made my life less "complicated"..not having to face the consequences. Heck, the consequences are what made me hit bottom.

Therefore, with the A's in MY life - I've stepped back. I've focused on what I need in my life and if it involves standing by and watching someone I love dearly fall...then I have to do that, because my family loved me enough to let ME fall, and I'm extremely grateful for that. Why would I rob someone else of the dignity of living their own life?

BTW, I also pray what ((Freedom)) does...Thy will, not mine. HIS way is often different than mine, not always, but often better.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

coffeedrinker

kerbearz,

this concept helped me a lot - something i have read here over and over again:

we do not give our ah's dignity when we try to meddle, coerce, babysit, manipulate, or any other way get in the way of their process. when i fully realized that i was hurting my abf by "helping" him - to make his own decisions, to experience his own successes and failures w/out my interference - well, that's when i surrendered a lot of that role in his life. i have always truly wanted to help him, so when i saw it in that light, it helped me - rather caused me - to let go.

[and now i am discovering that even though i thought i had done that letting go thing, there are layers to how we hang on, and try to continue controlling that are much more covert.... ]

Hammerhead

We think we can save them.... WE CAN'T.... but....

THEY CAN absolutely...positively.... take us down with them.

That was the hardest part for me to learn.

MaryGoRound

what if the very thing you are afraid of, is the exact thing that you need to do?
in order to "rise above the water" and gain strength.

Do you think your A is scared to get help and turn to God?

Do you think any oppressed person is scared to take a stand in any way?

What do you think it took for the amazing people throughout history to "rise above"?

You have it in you already. I know this, because I believe God is in you. I agree with the others..It's just your free will, your choice to do this. An easy one it is not. But a choice nonetheless.

Hugs, kisses, and strength.

RiseUp

I really like your analogy about the anchor and the water, maybe you can switch it around so that you are the anchor and you can let the boat float away, or you can hold onto it...

Happy thoughts to you, good intentions and strong execution

KerBearz

Thanks everyone for the replies. My head knows what I need to do, but it is soooooo hard. I am sad, I am afraid and I am lonely, but I know that I am strong enough to do what needs to be done. I used to be pretty stoic - sensitive and tender hearted, but pretty stoic. You know my eyes would fill with tears, but I could pretty much hold it all together. Lately the tears just pour out like rivers and soak my shirt - to keep with the water analogy - there is a HUGE crack in the dam.

Learn2Live

We ALL must learn to swim on our own, including those of us who are alcoholic and who are not trusted to swim on our own.

Callie

I too envisioned something similar, but for me I'd pictured my AH as a weight that pulled us all down. Both kids and I. I'd pictured myself swimming for the 4 of us, even though he was fully capable of swimming on his own. In the end, I had to either cut the ties and save the 3 of us (kids and I) OR let us all go down with the ship.

I choose to cut the ties. It's not a blunt cut, but maybe a strand @ a time, but I'm cutting it. If I don't, I know we'll all sink. As their mom, I will not do that to them.

I struggle with the whole 'leave the fallen behind' thing, BUT he's chosen to remain down. He's had every chance, opportunity to get himself better, well.

I know where you're @. Choose yourself, choose life.

coyote21

Back 4 years ago when I started this recovery journey I was exactly as you described above. I hadn't cried in years. My feelings were so stuffed down that all I was capable of feeling was fear and anger.

One night LMC (Little Miss Coyote) and I were sitting in a big recliner watching tv and snuggling, and she said out of the blue, "Dad do you have any money"? She was only about 4 then and the judge had already put her mom out of the house, she might have been away at rehab. IDK.

Any how, I laughed and said no, I'm pretty broke right now. She said "That's O.K. Daddy, 'cause today all your hugs and kisses are for free".

It was her bedtime and I took her upstairs and then went out on the back porch and sat and smoked. I was thinking about what my sweet little girl had said, and I began to cry.

Not big heaving, sobbing, kind of crying. I was far too dignified for that....Ha!
But just quietly the tears began to flow like a river down my face for about an hour or so. The whole front of my shirt was soaked. It was weird.

It was like her sweet little words had literally melted my frozen emotions and years of tears were coming out all at once. Since that night I got ALL my emotions back. It's much better like this. I figured I was getting better if I could actually feel again.

Any way, your post triggered this memory for me, thanks.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

TakingCharge999

Awwwwwwwww coyote, what a wonderful and sweet moment...

I feel it in a similar way but regarding anger... its like I'm finally getting angry about injustices done to me and also for the way I have despised myself for no other reason than being human. Even if it sucks many times I also prefer finally feeling something I need to feel, than acting as if its all cool and nothing has affected me or affects me.... like I did so many times..

KerBears, "the language of letting go" by melody beatty is great daily reading to keep on track.

I like the saying "get busy living, or get busy dying". Honestly every little thing you do, every little choice you make throughout the day shows if you choose life:

freedom/balance/health/peace

or if you are choosing death:

suffering/drama/slavery to the past/slavery to the future/to money/material things etc

"May all sentient beings fulfill their own destiny"


IMHO we are all going towards the same destiny, just with different rythms...

I feel better:

/ when I realize "the other" is just a mirror

/ when I realize if I hurt someone 1 time I am hurting myself 10 times.

/ when I realize by the same token... if someone hurt me it is because he was hurt before he even met me, its all what he has to give. to me or anyone.

/ when I realize life is about learning, finding meaning, finding beauty... NOT about keeping my ego large and intact or "achieving happiness" as if mourning losses/feeling indifference,anger,resentment,simple contentment,etc etc was WRONG and showed I'm FAILING in life.

I feel so much better when I focus on myself, healing and becoming a better version of TC999...... I often wonder why I resist so much to this idea, for me it has to do with my fear of life and ability to RECEIVE instead of ALWAYS GIVING until I'm drained and exhausted and frustrated.

In any case once we start to be honest it starts to become about us, and what others do or don't do is less and less important.. no longer personal... that by itself is liberating.

Sometimes I laugh when I think what someone says/thinks/does is about ME :rotfxko how selfish of me, as if I was so powerful.

Sorry for my rambling........

barb dwyer

that's what anchors do, hon.

but you arent an anchor.
that feeling *I* think - is your gut talkin.

Once again - I loved reading this thread.
IT's so kewel when we acknowledge each other's growth.

Sittin here grinnin like an ape.

KerBearz

Ok - more tears! Thanks for sharing your wisdom with me! AH is in jail right now and I need to make some plans. I don't really know where to start and I don't know how I'll pay for it, but I will find a way. Happy Easter everyone.