finances with an AH
 

Not sure if this is OT or not...
Despite being 3 years into a marriage, I am just starting to get conscious about money now.
One of the "do not talk about it" topics is money. Particularly, his debt.
My sister said she traded credit reports before getting married.
Pretty smart.
I have never been able to get my husband to do a credit report (I have great credit).
He has always insisted his credit debt has nothing to do with me.
I have always said legally, it is half mine, so I deserve to know.
He says he'd never do that to me.
Besides, if he died I'd get his life insurance and it would pay his debts...so it stays private.

The deal now is he works (I don't) and he worked out that there was 300 left after bills each month, which would go into a joint account - 150 for each of us to do with as we wished.
But there is almost never enough left over to put in the 300. (Not sure on the details because he does the bills and I don't see the budget).
It just dawned on me that he has two credit cards and those get paid (hopefully) every month (or god forbid, they don't), so he has enough for his debts...(I pay my credit card with my savings from when I worked before).
And if we were to have kids (no, it's not on my radar), this issue would be exacerbated...
Or if (god forbid, again) he was unable to work or was laid off, his debts would become my problem, right?
Or if we tried to buy a house and his credit was lousy, it would affect me...

So, this is not a b**ching post.

I am genuinely interested in
1. if you all think it is wise to know your husband's credit card debt/payment plan (or even set joint agreements about how much to pay off a month or an agreement not to get into any more debt, etc.)
2. is it weird to you that my H keeps it secret?
3. how do you do your finances with your husband/wife? Do you share everything? Do you plan together? Do you have agreements about money? How does that work if it is going right?

I'm just starting to open my eyes to finances and wondering what healthy looks like.

I am genuinely interested in
1. if you all think it is wise to know your husband's credit card debt/payment plan (or even set joint agreements about how much to pay off a month or an agreement not to get into any more debt, etc.) Absolutely! You should know everything about the finances of your family and should have equal say-so regarding finances. You are right that you are responsible for this debt, just as he is. What if something happened to him? It could be devastating because you would know nothing!

2. is it weird to you that my H keeps it secret? I don't think it's weird. A lot of people do that, but I do think it is wrong, especially in this day and age.


3. how do you do your finances with your husband/wife? Do you share everything? Do you plan together? Do you have agreements about money? How does that work if it is going right?
I am not married now, but I have been. All bills were paid out of a joint checking account to which we both had access. We also had a joint savings account. In addition, we each had our own separate accounts with money for our own use.

You're asking what a healthy relationship regarding money looks like on Friends and Family of Alcoholics? LOLOLOLOLOL

I tried for years to figure out how to have a healthy relationship around finances. I think you have to have a healthy partner first. ;)

We had all our finances combined at one point, and we were constantly broke. One day I opened my own account and had my paycheck direct deposited into it. His name was not on the account. From that day on, no more bounced checks, no more late payments, etc. But, I was now covering everything, just to make sure it was covered. He took that as free reign to spend all his money on whatever he felt like. UGH.

Honestly, one of the biggest reasons I divorced him was to protect myself financially. We already had filed bankruptcy once. If I had stayed, I have no doubt we would be there again.

L

<wife smiles sheepishly>
yah, well...
there are recovered codies here that might have gotten their finances straight! LOL!
Or maybe some people that have issues in other areas!
You're right though. I am trying to sample all sorts of married friends to see what they do. I'm learning! :)

His debt is your debt in most states, so in the event of divorce, you ate liable for half of his debt no matter what it is from. Also, your credit is affected by his debt. My friend is going through a divorce from her stbxah and has assumed all the debt to get rid of him. She is the only one who worked anyway.

My new bf and I have discussed division of finances should we keep moving forward. We decided we both want separate checking accounts and a joint account for bills. We both have 401k's that we think should remaid separate. I agreed to make a prenuptual agreement for my law school debt because I don't think it's fair for someone else to take it on. I have no other debt. He has already paid off law school loans.

I think it's really important to know your financial situation, but part of my hypersensitivity is watching my mom struggle after leaving my alcoholic dad. We were poor, he had a great life. I don't want the same to happen to me.

"yah, well...
there are recovered codies here that might have gotten their finances straight!"LOL!

I'm, not one of 'em. Yet! :-)

My finances are straight. But, I'm single and staying that way. Never giving my power away again. Emotionally, spiritually, financially, or otherwise.

L

Okay, but theoretically, he could pay it and not expect me to, if we divorced.

But, you are saying, my credit score just automatically takes into account his credit score?

Theoretically, yes. But if he could "just pay it," wouldn't it be paid already?

Yes, your credit score takes into account his credit score.

L

Wifey....If I am legally at risk for half a debt, then I want and feel entitled to know, why, what, and how much I am part responsible for.

Tell could tell him you feel that it is very unfair, so you will take out a public ad in the papers, saying that as you have no input or knowledge of your financial position, you accept no responsibility for any debt, incurred in his or both your names, without your written authority. The other way could be to start looking for a job, and let him know that you want the same financial freedom he has...you can contribute to joint bills, but otherwise your money is your money, and will be your business.

For most A's I have known, control is a big problem....they don't have any for themselves, but want it over partner and family. Not being open to you, keeping his income/expenditure and joint finances secret and "preferring" you no longer work, is the ultimate in control over you.

Fred should be told ASAP, that the stone age is OVER, and wives are no longer chattels or obedient servants. Ask for what you want, to be treated like an adult, not a child...to be given an icecream or treat to keep her quiet and happy.

God bless

Anyone can pay debt, even a stranger. Lol! I don't do divorces, but from what I undrstand, you can all work out whatever you want.

The friend getting the divorce took a hit to her credit score because stbxah owed several thousand dollars on credit cards and owned the IRS. I do not know the inner workings exactly, but her credit score went fon as a result of what became considered her total debt when they got married. Put another way...if you have s credit card with a 10k limit and get to 9k, you are more of a credit risk because there is little room to move in your debt. Again, no clue about the inner workings, but that's what I took away from a finace class I took in law school. For her, in the end, she needed a co-signer for a car. Prior to the marriage she would not have because she had
minimal debt and very good credit. Your debt and obviously your credit score also affects your interest rates on loans, creditcards and anything you are not purchasing in full.

Also, it is not bad you didn't know. A lot of people don't. I would say get a copy of your credit score and a report from one of the three reporting agencies. I think it's only around $5. Also, the government has a website to get your credit report, but not score, for free. It is NOT freecreditreport.com that one cost money. Do a little Internet research on it. You get a free report once per year, I think. It will at least tell you if things have been paid on time.

LTD - I don't he's saying he could pay it off, I think he's just saying he wouldn't saddle me with paying it...
Jadmack - thanks for your protectiveness! :)
He doesn't want me to stay home. I just can't find work here. I really need to work, though, and he is fine with that. Last year, I worked and he was in school, so we have taken turns.
NYC - I have kept up with my credit reports in the past that way through the 3 companies. I guess, not since I got married.
I guess I need to find out how it looks today!
Thanks!

And that's what I'm saying. If he can't pay it off, for whatever reason, they can come after you. If any of his accounts have your name on them, I believe you are liable, regardless.

I've read some horror stories on this board about credit card companies coming after the spouse, after the divorce, even though the settlement excluded them from paying the debt. They can.

L

What about just his credit cards that aren't in my name?

I think you are safer if your name is not on the account. But, I don't know what the laws in your state are, and I'm not a lawyer. :)

L

If he decides, despite any divorce agreement, not to pay they will come after you even if not in your name. This happened to my sister 8 years after her divorce with a credit card her x husband took out, unknown to her, when they were married.

I'm not sure from state to state, but it's this way in new york and Arizona.

How could they come after me, years later, for debt not in my name?
I get debt in MY name.
I get debt in OUR name.
I get debt HE incurred (in his name) WHILE we were married, but...
even years later - for debt in his name, if he stops paying, they can come get me?
Isn't that the point of divorce? To separate things? How does that make sense?
Why doesn't a divorce agreement mean anything? What is the point of it then?
(okay, deep breath)

A divorce separates you from what he does once the divorce is final. What he does (financially speaking) while you are married belongs to you, too.

L

scaaaarrrryyyy!