Seeing Him Everywhere and He contacted.
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Seeing Him Everywhere and He contacted.
I keep running into xabf on campus. At one point we ended up in the same restaurant and once I realized he was right there, 20 feet away I got up and left with my friend. It's been incredibly hard to keep on walking every time I see him. I don't look at him though.
Well yesterday he was walking towards me and we made eye contact...it sort if haunted me all day. I had a good day for once, hung out friends..and he text me saying that it was nice to see me and I looked pretty. Then he said he missed me.
I didn't feel the need to respond, but ugh I just wish I could have my friend back. ya no?
I want some explanation of sorts for certain things from him and I know I may never get it, but I no for sure I won't get it if I don't talk to him. And I just want to not feel unresolved issues with a person. I hate that.
I want to talk to him. For a chance perhaps of closure. Or maybe a more friendly understanding of each other. Agree to disagree type thing over coffee. Idk. I have to be strong, but man I want to talk to him too so bad.
Well yesterday he was walking towards me and we made eye contact...it sort if haunted me all day. I had a good day for once, hung out friends..and he text me saying that it was nice to see me and I looked pretty. Then he said he missed me.
I didn't feel the need to respond, but ugh I just wish I could have my friend back. ya no?
I want some explanation of sorts for certain things from him and I know I may never get it, but I no for sure I won't get it if I don't talk to him. And I just want to not feel unresolved issues with a person. I hate that.
I want to talk to him. For a chance perhaps of closure. Or maybe a more friendly understanding of each other. Agree to disagree type thing over coffee. Idk. I have to be strong, but man I want to talk to him too so bad.
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Well, you'll do whatever you want to do, but I don't think you are strong enough to talk to him. He still occupies too much of your mind. If he says the right things, I think you'd be tempted to give it another chance. But again, you're gonna do whatever you want to do. 
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I've been no contact with XABF for 5 days now. Would have been longer if he didn't keep showing up at my house and work, but even then I ask him to leave. It's not really difficult for me, because I am more than confident that I gave him every chance he deserved when we were still together to get his s**t together. I know, 5 days, big deal, but what a weight lifted off my shoulders! Knowing that I have given him the dignity to live his life the way he wants, as well as giving myself the same is very rewarding. Every day I feel better and better about it. Detachment: the gift that keeps on giving.
Of course he misses you, you're probably awesome. But is risking your sanity to get explanations from him about things he did or said, whatever, really going to help you get over him? My alcoholic was GREAT at explaining his way out of situations. It's always somebody else's fault, you misunderstood me, I didn't think that mattered but now I know it does, you never told me how was I to know, blah blah blah. They tell you what they think you want to hear. And usually what you want to hear isn't the truth for them.
I suggest writing a letter, getting all your thoughts out, and then burning the letter. I like to burn things. Very symbolic for me.
Good Luck to you, Stay strong, and remind yourself every day of why you made the break in the first place.
Of course he misses you, you're probably awesome. But is risking your sanity to get explanations from him about things he did or said, whatever, really going to help you get over him? My alcoholic was GREAT at explaining his way out of situations. It's always somebody else's fault, you misunderstood me, I didn't think that mattered but now I know it does, you never told me how was I to know, blah blah blah. They tell you what they think you want to hear. And usually what you want to hear isn't the truth for them.
I suggest writing a letter, getting all your thoughts out, and then burning the letter. I like to burn things. Very symbolic for me.
Good Luck to you, Stay strong, and remind yourself every day of why you made the break in the first place.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
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Hi Mary there is no closure with someone with so many issues nor there are magic words or conversations that will make him a diff person than what you knew...
I tried it many times, I just saw denial, twisting of reality and a focus on me and my many faults... I hope you are smarter than me and keep NC.
I have been there done that and only made things worse, not better that is why I advise NC... Closure can be achieved within you.
They are lost in another dimension that revolves around alcohol and the supporters/saviors/enablers...... no one else exists.
I tried it many times, I just saw denial, twisting of reality and a focus on me and my many faults... I hope you are smarter than me and keep NC.
I have been there done that and only made things worse, not better that is why I advise NC... Closure can be achieved within you.
They are lost in another dimension that revolves around alcohol and the supporters/saviors/enablers...... no one else exists.
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Thanks guys.
Kitty, you're right. I am awesome. And I thought that too. Of course he misses me. LOL. But that doesn't mean anything. Its hard not to be affected by it a bit, because I miss him too.
tpen - I am glad you are coming to these realizations. Its a very tough process, but you get to learn alot, gain strength, and you get yourself back.
I'm for all of that. The hardest part is dealing with the emotions (especially anger) because you're cutting a person out of your life that means something to you. But it really is the best thing to do. In so many ways.
Things won't be different until they are. And what I do doesn't change his life. I can only change mine. I just wish i could absolve all the anger and hurt I feel so that's why I would like some sort chance for that communication to happen, but the reality is talking to him does put me at risk for just MORE of that.
He asked me to go to dinner a few weeks ago so he could talk to me face to face, and I always liked the idea of me being strong, sitting on the other side of the table objectively listening to what he has to say. Because I feel entitled to ANY sort of effort on his part to lessen the damage that this has all created. I've done the emotional leg work, and want him to. I guess I thought hearing him out would allow for that to happen.
More time is needed, I think regardless. I need to become stronger and so does he. He's not sober and I don't want that a part of my life. Its hard to be strong and objective about it. That's the bottom line, though. He can patch things up another time. Sober. Although I want that dang apology/explanation of actions/etc. I think that would really bring me peace one day to get that. But I know, I may never. Its hard to explain because our relationship was more like friends, but friends who really loved each other and wanted it to work. who also kept a distance because they knew there was a big problem...we always tried to forget each other and deny our feelings even in the beginning, but we always found ourselves unable to contain it all. So it never even took off, if that makes sense. And I let my boundaries be crossed because I began to believe i was being unfair. And that I needed to let my beliefs change in order for it to work out. Actually, sometimes the right thing to do is counter-intuitive. Sometimes saying no is the best thing you can do. No doesn't mean I don't love you or that its necessarily the end. Because its not my decision what to with that no. And that's really powerful.
People can tell me he's bad for me all they want. And right now he is. But I still love him and I believe sometimes people just need help. Being a drug addict does mean by default you are a liar and manipulative, but that doesn't mean you can't be sweet, loving and an amazing person. But i can't be the one to help. All I can do is be strong and live my life. And express my compassion in healthy ways.
Kitty, you're right. I am awesome. And I thought that too. Of course he misses me. LOL. But that doesn't mean anything. Its hard not to be affected by it a bit, because I miss him too.
tpen - I am glad you are coming to these realizations. Its a very tough process, but you get to learn alot, gain strength, and you get yourself back.
I'm for all of that. The hardest part is dealing with the emotions (especially anger) because you're cutting a person out of your life that means something to you. But it really is the best thing to do. In so many ways.
Things won't be different until they are. And what I do doesn't change his life. I can only change mine. I just wish i could absolve all the anger and hurt I feel so that's why I would like some sort chance for that communication to happen, but the reality is talking to him does put me at risk for just MORE of that.
He asked me to go to dinner a few weeks ago so he could talk to me face to face, and I always liked the idea of me being strong, sitting on the other side of the table objectively listening to what he has to say. Because I feel entitled to ANY sort of effort on his part to lessen the damage that this has all created. I've done the emotional leg work, and want him to. I guess I thought hearing him out would allow for that to happen.
More time is needed, I think regardless. I need to become stronger and so does he. He's not sober and I don't want that a part of my life. Its hard to be strong and objective about it. That's the bottom line, though. He can patch things up another time. Sober. Although I want that dang apology/explanation of actions/etc. I think that would really bring me peace one day to get that. But I know, I may never. Its hard to explain because our relationship was more like friends, but friends who really loved each other and wanted it to work. who also kept a distance because they knew there was a big problem...we always tried to forget each other and deny our feelings even in the beginning, but we always found ourselves unable to contain it all. So it never even took off, if that makes sense. And I let my boundaries be crossed because I began to believe i was being unfair. And that I needed to let my beliefs change in order for it to work out. Actually, sometimes the right thing to do is counter-intuitive. Sometimes saying no is the best thing you can do. No doesn't mean I don't love you or that its necessarily the end. Because its not my decision what to with that no. And that's really powerful.
People can tell me he's bad for me all they want. And right now he is. But I still love him and I believe sometimes people just need help. Being a drug addict does mean by default you are a liar and manipulative, but that doesn't mean you can't be sweet, loving and an amazing person. But i can't be the one to help. All I can do is be strong and live my life. And express my compassion in healthy ways.
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Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 
Hi Mary there is no closure with someone with so many issues nor there are magic words or conversations that will make him a diff person than what you knew.... Closure can be achieved within you.
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I have to agree with TC. If there was going to be understanding of things it would have happened when you were together.
There is no closure, especially if he has not gone through a recovery process of his own. It is in recovery that he would be able to understand it all himself and in a way that he could then tell it to you.
I am so sorry that you cannot get the physical distance from him to truly experience the effects of no contact. It will have a way of hindering you from moving on emotionally, but you can overcome it. It is tempting for anyone to have something they know is unhealthy waived in front of them every day (kind of like my having to dry by fast food chains every day and not stop for an unhealthy binge) but it can be done and you can get past this.
Hang in there. Serenity comes in time.
Alice
There is no closure, especially if he has not gone through a recovery process of his own. It is in recovery that he would be able to understand it all himself and in a way that he could then tell it to you.
I am so sorry that you cannot get the physical distance from him to truly experience the effects of no contact. It will have a way of hindering you from moving on emotionally, but you can overcome it. It is tempting for anyone to have something they know is unhealthy waived in front of them every day (kind of like my having to dry by fast food chains every day and not stop for an unhealthy binge) but it can be done and you can get past this.
Hang in there. Serenity comes in time.
Alice
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Remember why you went NC. Probably abusive conversations against you, if he's like most other A's. Not that I don't suffer from the same thing you do... wanting a friendly closure, remembering the good... but chances are the conversation wouldn't go anything like what you'd like it to. Stay strong... we'll do it together! We'll be sister's in NC!
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i too would urge you to remain strong and n/c.
i sense that you would weaken.
i have also "been there" wanting the resolution, tying up some things, putting ugly things to rest. my expectations have never been met. people are individuals and they have their own agendas and modus operandi, ya know? it just never goes the way it did in my mind.
keep doing your best to let this fantasy go. i suspect it would only hurt you more in the end, when he doesn't "give you" what you truly want. he isn't capable.
i sense that you would weaken.
i have also "been there" wanting the resolution, tying up some things, putting ugly things to rest. my expectations have never been met. people are individuals and they have their own agendas and modus operandi, ya know? it just never goes the way it did in my mind.
keep doing your best to let this fantasy go. i suspect it would only hurt you more in the end, when he doesn't "give you" what you truly want. he isn't capable.
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Thanks guys I am feeling surprisingly very strong.
Its kind of funny because he really wants to take me out to dinner and doesn't want to loose me etc, etc. and I keep saying he can when he's sober. It feels really good to stick to my beliefs. He's not being nasty, he just doesn't want to be sober and tells me I should consider his early childhood trauma. LOL. I already have. And its irrelevant to my boundary! There's so much power in staying strong and calm about your needs. He followed me around campus to watch how pretty I was, walking in my sundress.
I took me soooo long to not take his actions personally. I believed that I wasn't good enough. And once I started to affirm my no in a STRONG, positive way (i.e. I love you. I cannot have active addiction part of my life. I would like to have you part of my life, but you need help). It was then I started to realize how much he really does love me, but it has nothing to do with me. Funny how that works. As a compassionate person, you think that giving in is what you need to do....
He's testing me to see if I'd be around if he did take a stab at being sober. "You're leaving, what's the point?" (an assumption made because of my geocentric job) etc. And all I can feel in response is oooo, sweetheart you have no idea. go get yourself some help.
It feels good to know our love really means something to him. But I'm on the bridge and he's light years away. I feel less resentful, and I'm really happy because it was eating me away. He's just really sick. Functional ones make it easy to forget how much they are hurting. But I realize this is an objective way now I can't describe. I don't feel responsible, sorry, or bad. I just feel at ease. I trust my HP. I feel love, but from afar. And I'm happy about that.
Now I just need to stop thinking about it. I'm a natural obsessive thinker. So I need to really pull myself out. I have soooooo much work to do this month and I'm sitting around making sense of this. I can't afford to waste time right now, but I feel slow because I'm healing. Just thinking about this month ahead is giving me panic attacks. I have no motivation to push myself. Cause i've been pushing my self to heal for awhile now. Now I have to gear up and kick some fashion design ass! (That's my major and I'm in my last serious semester... Annual Fashion show is two weeks and let's just say its apparent i've been struggling with something.....oo brother!)
Its kind of funny because he really wants to take me out to dinner and doesn't want to loose me etc, etc. and I keep saying he can when he's sober. It feels really good to stick to my beliefs. He's not being nasty, he just doesn't want to be sober and tells me I should consider his early childhood trauma. LOL. I already have. And its irrelevant to my boundary! There's so much power in staying strong and calm about your needs. He followed me around campus to watch how pretty I was, walking in my sundress.
I took me soooo long to not take his actions personally. I believed that I wasn't good enough. And once I started to affirm my no in a STRONG, positive way (i.e. I love you. I cannot have active addiction part of my life. I would like to have you part of my life, but you need help). It was then I started to realize how much he really does love me, but it has nothing to do with me. Funny how that works. As a compassionate person, you think that giving in is what you need to do....
He's testing me to see if I'd be around if he did take a stab at being sober. "You're leaving, what's the point?" (an assumption made because of my geocentric job) etc. And all I can feel in response is oooo, sweetheart you have no idea. go get yourself some help.
It feels good to know our love really means something to him. But I'm on the bridge and he's light years away. I feel less resentful, and I'm really happy because it was eating me away. He's just really sick. Functional ones make it easy to forget how much they are hurting. But I realize this is an objective way now I can't describe. I don't feel responsible, sorry, or bad. I just feel at ease. I trust my HP. I feel love, but from afar. And I'm happy about that.
Now I just need to stop thinking about it. I'm a natural obsessive thinker. So I need to really pull myself out. I have soooooo much work to do this month and I'm sitting around making sense of this. I can't afford to waste time right now, but I feel slow because I'm healing. Just thinking about this month ahead is giving me panic attacks. I have no motivation to push myself. Cause i've been pushing my self to heal for awhile now. Now I have to gear up and kick some fashion design ass! (That's my major and I'm in my last serious semester... Annual Fashion show is two weeks and let's just say its apparent i've been struggling with something.....oo brother!)
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Comments like your XABF's about you considering his early childhood trauma, would have got my sympathy mode into full swing, but no more.
I do not see how someone's early, middle or late stages of life or trauma, drama, ancestry or whatever in their life, is any of my business or responsibility.
Yes, my RABF had a hard childhood, and yes I empathise with him, and sympathise for it, but it is NOT obligatory on me to stay, live with and suffer the outfall of his drinking because he suffered over 40 years ago.
I can understand his alcoholism, understand his drinking and behavior, but I do not have to pay for his suffering by sacrificing my life, my wants, needs, health and sanity for it.
I have a right to choose how I live, and as I choose not to be with an active drinking alcoholic, then if he does drink...I can choose to bail out.
He gets to look at his options, the pros and cons of drinking and to choose for himself, to go drink again or stay sober.
I look at my options and have chosen my reaction to his action, sober I stay...drink and I leave the relationship.
Been in the fire and got burned many times, keeping out of the fire from now on.
God bless
I do not see how someone's early, middle or late stages of life or trauma, drama, ancestry or whatever in their life, is any of my business or responsibility.
Yes, my RABF had a hard childhood, and yes I empathise with him, and sympathise for it, but it is NOT obligatory on me to stay, live with and suffer the outfall of his drinking because he suffered over 40 years ago.
I can understand his alcoholism, understand his drinking and behavior, but I do not have to pay for his suffering by sacrificing my life, my wants, needs, health and sanity for it.
I have a right to choose how I live, and as I choose not to be with an active drinking alcoholic, then if he does drink...I can choose to bail out.
He gets to look at his options, the pros and cons of drinking and to choose for himself, to go drink again or stay sober.
I look at my options and have chosen my reaction to his action, sober I stay...drink and I leave the relationship.
Been in the fire and got burned many times, keeping out of the fire from now on.
God bless
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Thank you Jadmack. Both your strength and dignity of you and your partner amazes me. Your story intrigues me, but you've done such a great job of not spreading false hope around for every one here.
Yeah the sympathy card used to work on me. There a plenty of people with ROUGH circumstances and they don't choose drugs to self-medicate. He tried to be sweet, and that was endearing..but it doesn't matter. I don't want an active user in my life. Period. He knows I'm serious and I like that. He knows I care about him and I like that. I know I'm serious and I like that. I know I care about him and I like that. Its easy to be in pain and feel intense hatred towards the person who has brought about that pain...and I feel really grateful to have resolved a bit of that.
I'm so glad I can be in the place I am. I feel sad because I do miss him dearly, but this is good because I get to flex my muscles and figure out where I am going and how to take the compassion I have for those that WANT help and use it to provide myself with happiness (i.e. volunteering and such).
When we did have the conversation I was outside and he heard birds chirping in the background and he said "I like hearing your voice with the birds chirping in the background. Its fitting"
And you know what. It is. I may miss him with every fiber of my being. I may cry. But a least I know what is real. I've been through pain. i'm not hiding...Over here on this side of the bridge. Sunny skies, birds chirping....no drugs in sight. A strong belief in my HP, my supportive family and friends, and most importantly...myself. Of course there are birds chirping.
I have an opportunity to continue to become strong and stand by my convictions. That is amazing because its about more than just this relationship - its carried over into everything I do. It's a beautiful thing.
I have a lot of love to give and I'm excited to give it to people, things, and myself. People who are able to give it back and accept it. Man I could cry realizing that I can still feel love....sometimes it feels as if I'll never stop hurting.
Powerful stuff.
Yeah the sympathy card used to work on me. There a plenty of people with ROUGH circumstances and they don't choose drugs to self-medicate. He tried to be sweet, and that was endearing..but it doesn't matter. I don't want an active user in my life. Period. He knows I'm serious and I like that. He knows I care about him and I like that. I know I'm serious and I like that. I know I care about him and I like that. Its easy to be in pain and feel intense hatred towards the person who has brought about that pain...and I feel really grateful to have resolved a bit of that.
I'm so glad I can be in the place I am. I feel sad because I do miss him dearly, but this is good because I get to flex my muscles and figure out where I am going and how to take the compassion I have for those that WANT help and use it to provide myself with happiness (i.e. volunteering and such).
When we did have the conversation I was outside and he heard birds chirping in the background and he said "I like hearing your voice with the birds chirping in the background. Its fitting"
And you know what. It is. I may miss him with every fiber of my being. I may cry. But a least I know what is real. I've been through pain. i'm not hiding...Over here on this side of the bridge. Sunny skies, birds chirping....no drugs in sight. A strong belief in my HP, my supportive family and friends, and most importantly...myself. Of course there are birds chirping.
I have an opportunity to continue to become strong and stand by my convictions. That is amazing because its about more than just this relationship - its carried over into everything I do. It's a beautiful thing.
I have a lot of love to give and I'm excited to give it to people, things, and myself. People who are able to give it back and accept it. Man I could cry realizing that I can still feel love....sometimes it feels as if I'll never stop hurting.
Powerful stuff.
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