Kassie2

There is where I am this week. I was surprised that this holiday takes me back to where things were one year ago. My RAH had two months sobriety. He had been attending RCI classes (the latest in a series of searching for his true spiritual identity) - and drinking - (and he wondered why he couldn't stick to anything and didn't feel connected to others trying out different belief systems). The culmination of the instruction is Easter and the baptism/confirmation which he asked me to attend I agreed in support of his toughing things out for a whole year (must be a record for him).

I remember how proud he was and how proud I was of him that day. He had a lot of support from church members and was attending AA. He was learning and growing. Our relationship was only a little bit better as we were living apart and it was all so new to him - he had a lot of work to do on himself and little left over for us. But the seeds looked planted and they began sprouts.

We are not together still. I grieve the relationship and the vision we had of a wonderful life together. I grieve the wishes, hopes and dreams. I understand better now than ever this illness and the wounding it leaves behind. I know when I started here, I had trouble accepting that after all the times I forgave him and hung in there to work through it all - and I still would work it through - he is more comfortable apart and not working on the relationship.

Well last week as I struggled further, it dawned on me that perhaps the struggle was causing me pain. I wondered if I really let go of having to sort everything out and come to a decision if I could finally rest and be at peace. So, yes, to my great surprise I have had a week of being really ok!

But yesterday the dark thought started to creep in - that is when I recalled last year. I wanted to post to somehow remember the hope and still find acceptance that we are not together whatever the reasons. I don't want to let this get me down, the sadness is there lurking.

Yet, isn't that what acceptance is about? Taking the good and the bad - believing what is in front of you for now - and just stay looking forward. (Not quite there - the looking forward part - still struggling to stay in today)

Ceres

<hugs> I'm two months without mine in the house. I'm on cloud nine. However, I do need to be reminded that it may not, probably will not, last. I know I'll have struggles like yours in the future. So, it's nice that you've shared.

Thumper

For me there are times of great sadness. Sad over not having what could have been. Having to give up some of the good times along with all the rest. He picked the boys up for time at the lake last Sunday and I was sad. Sad because that used to be something we shared as family time (of course, the trusty 12 pack was always with us. ) Sad because the boys wanted me to go, they want us all together, and that is no longer their reality.

There is no regret about the divorce or hope for me though. There is NO going back. I could never go back in a million years. I have totally accepted the reality of this situation. I used to daydream that he'd find recovery and in 4 years we'd find our way back to each other. Nope. I don't think like that anymore. I'm out and I'd never risk getting back in.

The only positive part of this is that when I'm not around him and he's not emailing me (there for irritating me, lol) the acceptance has also given me back the good memories. The bad stuff, the resentment, had obliterated anything positive, which isn't the reality either.

lulu1974

Ah yes memories. One day I may be able to think about them. The truth is those memories where based on a life of lieing. I didnt know it at the time. What good is a life based on lies. And that is all my A knew. He knew how to lie to keep me hanging on...