lulu1974

Yes! It always seemed that way..even for everyday things..When he came home from the car wash and they damaged his car..He tells me they said they will pay for it and I said ok. I ask: Did you get a police report or anything in writing? He was like. Oh no. He is 32 years old. Then he panics and goes back there. But when I talked to him, it was like there was no one home..EVER.

thanks so much for saying that. There was never anyone home.....

lulu1974

It wont help. They are so involved they dont know the difference either. When I was upset about the match.com thing..Cousin Mike says..He is just lonely and talking to girls. Ok great but he is married!!!!!!!! It was another case of no one being home. they are sucked in now. No point..I am walking away..see my back?? lol

NewChapter

Good for you, Lulu, you sound stronger already! As you refuse to be manipulated, be ready for him to react, and not in a good way. Be safe and smart. Don't engage, don't enrage. It isn't an easy road, but ends in a way better place! You are not responsible for his behavior, his unhappiness, his pain. To think too far into the future is overwhelming, so one foot in front of the other, OK? We're here, you are not alone. Keep us posted.

lulu1974

To think too far into the future is overwhelming, so one foot in front of the other, OK

Thank you new chapter. This is very useful to consider. Right now I dont need to think too far out. Because it is overwhelming..
I dont expect to hear from him ever again. I am his fall guy now so unless a miracle occurs, I am the bad one here according to him. He cares more what his family thinks than about anything else. And that is fine. The NC initiated by him was a blessing and I am eternally grateful.

RiseUp

I am so sorry that you and any of us are going through or have gone through. I am just about at the spot you are in, but with a 10 month old. Thank your stars, moon, and sun that you are on the right path and there are good people here for you.

NewChapter

Good for you--good for all of us. They need us to be the bad guy, and for a while, it might seem so to those who don't know any better. But I guarantee that those who matter will eventually see the truth, maybe some already do. That was my experience. The more he bad-mouthed me, the worse he looked, the less people believed him, the more his anger increased at the world, and that world became very, very small. He only hung around with people who would tell him what he wanted to hear: barflies, our sons' fraternity brothers (real hero there--buying drinks!), his girlfriend--that relationship eventually led to both of them losing their jobs.

I'm a month or so away from divorce trial. He "left" me in August but won't leave the house. Said he wanted a divorce for 7 months now, but wouldn't file, so I did. Lulu--his going NC will turn out to be the nicest thing he has ever done for you. In my case, SBTXAH did for me what I don't think I could have done for myself...because of my faith, my vows, my fear. Go for it, Lulu and get the life you deserve. You will be treated better than you are now, even if it's how you treat yourself! You're worth it, we all are. You'll find the courage you need inside. It's just been beaten down for a while. They like us to be that way. Keep posting, keep moving forward. One foot in front of the other.

lulu1974

Thanks so much for your kind words. This made me cry in a good way. You care about me more than he ever did.
When I really need to rationalize this, I think his NC was because he knew I knew so many lies now and there wqas no getting out of them really. I must have been much more appealing when I seemed clueless to him. This man chased me for 2 years and told everyone I was the love of his life which is weird since he is a man of few words. But it seems once I came between him and the bottle..I was excommunicated. My sponsor says he is too ashamed to talk to me.,how would he explain the dating websites while he was begging me to come back...He has no excuses left so he jumped ship. I like to think this is true but in the end it doesnt matter. I hate thinking our whole relationship was a lie but its possible it was. I trust my HP is taking care of me..Hugs to you..

NewChapter

And hugs right back to you...our stories sound a bit similar. In my "good-bye" letter to my husband in October after 28 years of marriage and 4 kids, I told him that I know why he wants me gone--I know his fears, his "demons", his secrets. And he can't continue to deny them while I'm around. So now he has taken up smoking of all things and, when not with his girlfriend, sits in bars alone for hours, drinking and smoking. His dad died at 61 from cancer related to that lifestyle (STBXAH is 55). He's always looked up to his Dad, it's almost as though he has become his Dad. But still blaming everything wrong in his life, including his job loss, on me. They have to do that. Otherwise, they have to look in the mirror.

So I get what you mean about knowing him so well that he can't do what he wants to do around you anymore. It's a compliment, really, because he knows somewhere deep down that you're better than that. So keep moving, expect him to break NC when he sees you're serious, and stay strong. We're here for you.

lulu1974

Thank you New Chapter. I dont even want to write him a letter. I feel like our life was just a lie. I get scared of him breaking the no contact. He initiated it so hoping he wont break it. And when I say scared..I mean scared I may hurt him. So just in case I have rules..not answering door unless I am expecting someone..no answering phone numbers that I dont know and calling sponsor and friends. But of course if it does happen it will be when I least expect it...I have filed the divorce papers..My lawyer is waiting for the go ahead to serve him...I dont know why I am stalling...One think I know..I am ok without him. I even went out for a bit today!