Staying Centered: Act II
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: littleton, Colorado
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Staying Centered: Act II
Yesterday we met with the marriage counselor so that I could state, in front of a third party, that I wanted out. My individual counselor impressed upon me to say it wasn't good for me, versus the "you did this" and "you disppointed me here", etc.
So...I had my day in session, if you will. When the counselor asked me what I wanted, I said I want out, I am done. I don't feel safe anymore with him. And would you all like to guess what my STBX(I like that new acronym addition)RAH did? He laughed. Yup. He laughed and said he has told me numerous times that he has never hit his former wife or anyone and he would never do that. I said the meat tenderizer in his hand, ready to smash my blackberry was ingrained in my memory-forever. I never want to even feel like that could be a possibility with anyone again and it wasn't a healthy situation for me to be in.
Counselor then asked him how he felt and he said in true not-working-your-program-style, that it didn't matter. He said she has all the power and she has controlled the relationship from day #1, so it doesn't matter what he wants or feels-it never has.
Let me tell you all something...before I worked on myself...before I had started my own recovery from all the garbage in my life that made me feel responsible and compelled to save this man...those comments alone would have snagged me for days. I didn't flinch. I looked out the window and smiled inside, because it all made sense. The behavior with what he WANTS doesn't match up with what he DOES. And his past abiility to make me feel like I was at fault, despite the cushy life he had with me and his children, didn't work any more. I felt nothing. (self preservation some of you have said).
For the last 2 weeks he has been housesitting right next door. I will admit to you all here that yesterday being the final "blow" to the marriage, I was scared being in my house-with my STB former abusive husband next door. I thought-he could torch the house...he could break in (even though the locks have been changed) and I realized again that this was the right thing to do. How could I invite this toxic unrelenting feeling back into my life? How?
I am proud of myself-that I have stood up to the beast and that his laughing and dimissal of my fears-mean nothing to this man. What is amazing is when you let go-and let your HP work on things, and when you stop running in circles trying to justify twisted behavior, you realize you are only hurting one person: yourself.
Thanks...for listening again.
So...I had my day in session, if you will. When the counselor asked me what I wanted, I said I want out, I am done. I don't feel safe anymore with him. And would you all like to guess what my STBX(I like that new acronym addition)RAH did? He laughed. Yup. He laughed and said he has told me numerous times that he has never hit his former wife or anyone and he would never do that. I said the meat tenderizer in his hand, ready to smash my blackberry was ingrained in my memory-forever. I never want to even feel like that could be a possibility with anyone again and it wasn't a healthy situation for me to be in.
Counselor then asked him how he felt and he said in true not-working-your-program-style, that it didn't matter. He said she has all the power and she has controlled the relationship from day #1, so it doesn't matter what he wants or feels-it never has.
Let me tell you all something...before I worked on myself...before I had started my own recovery from all the garbage in my life that made me feel responsible and compelled to save this man...those comments alone would have snagged me for days. I didn't flinch. I looked out the window and smiled inside, because it all made sense. The behavior with what he WANTS doesn't match up with what he DOES. And his past abiility to make me feel like I was at fault, despite the cushy life he had with me and his children, didn't work any more. I felt nothing. (self preservation some of you have said).
For the last 2 weeks he has been housesitting right next door. I will admit to you all here that yesterday being the final "blow" to the marriage, I was scared being in my house-with my STB former abusive husband next door. I thought-he could torch the house...he could break in (even though the locks have been changed) and I realized again that this was the right thing to do. How could I invite this toxic unrelenting feeling back into my life? How?
I am proud of myself-that I have stood up to the beast and that his laughing and dimissal of my fears-mean nothing to this man. What is amazing is when you let go-and let your HP work on things, and when you stop running in circles trying to justify twisted behavior, you realize you are only hurting one person: yourself.
Thanks...for listening again.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
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Wow, Mermaid, I loved reading your post. I know that wasn't an easy day for you, but you pulled thru with flying colors. You are accomplishing amazing things and taking back your life one day at a time. ((((Hugs)))))
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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You are amazing. Way to go.
I wouldn't be a bit surprised if laughing/callous guy turns into crying/begging/promising guy. And, if that doesn't work, raging/threatening guy.
Stay safe please.
L
I wouldn't be a bit surprised if laughing/callous guy turns into crying/begging/promising guy. And, if that doesn't work, raging/threatening guy.
Stay safe please.
L
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Beautiful describes you smiling instead of going troppo, as in past.
I would be verywary of having him next door, and wonder if you could get someone big and brawny to stay with you. At least make sure all doors and windows are locked, and you have some way of attracting immediate help if you need it.
God bless
I would be verywary of having him next door, and wonder if you could get someone big and brawny to stay with you. At least make sure all doors and windows are locked, and you have some way of attracting immediate help if you need it.
God bless
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South Africa
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa 
You are amazing. Way to go.
I wouldn't be a bit surprised if laughing/callous guy turns into crying/begging/promising guy. And, if that doesn't work, raging/threatening guy.
I wouldn't be a bit surprised if laughing/callous guy turns into crying/begging/promising guy. And, if that doesn't work, raging/threatening guy.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
He said she has all the power and she has controlled the relationship from day #1, so it doesn't matter what he wants or feels-it never has.
What is amazing is when you let go-and let your HP work on things, and when you stop running in circles trying to justify twisted behavior, you realize you are only hurting one person: yourself.
Thanks for sharing mermaidgirl. Take good care of yourself. Fear is no place to live.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: littleton, Colorado
Posts: 146
I wouldn't be a bit surprised if laughing/callous guy turns into crying/begging/promising guy. And, if that doesn't work, raging/threatening guy.
LTD-you got it baby. Over the past couple of years I have noticed more of this emotional "swing" by him and that has concerned me. I have kept doors locked-that I never would check before. Cell Phone: right next to me in bed. My neighbors come back today thank goodness.
And now for the next measured step: I am going to court house with a close girlfriend to file my petition. She drew up the papers for me-and she insists on going with me (not a bad idea). I just have to figure out how to get the paperwork to him without being alone with him.
Every day-is still a gift. Thank you ALL so much...I will keep reading here and coming back. You know our stories aren't over just because an A is out of our lives, eh? Happy Easter!
LTD-you got it baby. Over the past couple of years I have noticed more of this emotional "swing" by him and that has concerned me. I have kept doors locked-that I never would check before. Cell Phone: right next to me in bed. My neighbors come back today thank goodness.
And now for the next measured step: I am going to court house with a close girlfriend to file my petition. She drew up the papers for me-and she insists on going with me (not a bad idea). I just have to figure out how to get the paperwork to him without being alone with him.
Every day-is still a gift. Thank you ALL so much...I will keep reading here and coming back. You know our stories aren't over just because an A is out of our lives, eh? Happy Easter!
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