Question

Old 04-01-2010, 10:45 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
freefalling's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South Africa
Posts: 330
Question

I have a question. I know the answer is not going to change anything for me and how I am going to live my life. I still would love to know what you guys have to say.Is it true that some people cannot stop their addictive behaviour ? My STBXAH gets the following question from his family now that I am not there for him anymore. "Can you not stop or do you not want to stop?" Is there even such a question

He came home from rehab(no14) 3 days ago. Have not seen him yet. He again goes around and tells people that I do not allow him to visit. My rule is that he is not allowed to visit when he has been drinking. So what is new? I got the slurry (little boy voice)voicemail that he has no hope ,cannot see me and kids because the pain in our eyes is too much for him to handle,that he loves me and wants me back,that he cannot cope alone...I still had a little bit of hope for him.He is 47 years old. This is so sad.

If you are young and not sure if you must continue - think about YOUR life carefully. My caretaking ,enabling, love and trust came to nothing for me, him and our 3 children I am left alone with no career and his business on the verge of going under.

If you want to stay , work on yourself and plan a career of your own.

Thanks for listening.
freefalling is offline  
Old 04-01-2010, 11:00 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Being Silent so I can Hear
 
Still Waters's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
FOURTEEN???

I got the slurry (little boy voice)voicemail that he has no hope ,cannot see me and kids because the pain in our eyes is too much for him to handle,that he loves me and wants me back,that he cannot cope alone...I still had a little bit of hope for him.He is 47 years old. This is so sad.
Manipulation, poor woe is me, quack quack
Still Waters is offline  
Old 04-01-2010, 11:08 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Living in a Pinkful Place
 
MsPINKAcres's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
I too wonder if some people have gone so far "under" that they can't stop

I have seen many miracles during my almost 7 yrs in the program of al-anon - I have seen people grab ahold of a recovery program and walk away from drinking/using/gambling etc and embrace a new way of life. They have struggled but not relapsed.

Then I have seen those who continue to try and try and try but are never able to fully give themselves completely to this new way of life and are never able to fully walk away from their addiction. Some of them continue to try - which I do admire in them - sadly some them give up and continue on their downward spiral.

So I guess - what my answer would be to your question - is it is an individual thing - some do make it, some don't - but I believe it is not up to us to know who will or who won't.

It's between that person and their willingness to allow their HP and the program to work in them.

As long as they are willing - there is always hope.

But many times we do have to detach ourselves from them and their issues to be able to make healthy and wise decisions for ourselves and our children when they are not embrace recovery.

Wishing you and your children, your HP's very best!
HUGS,
Rita
MsPINKAcres is offline  
Old 04-01-2010, 11:25 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
LaTeeDa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I don't know the answer either, but I think it applies to everyone, not just A's. My grandfather was an alcoholic all his life. In his 70's, the doctor told him he better quit drinking and smoking if he wanted to go on living. He did. My grandmother continued to tell him what to do, when to eat, what to wear, etc. for the rest of his life. She never got out of the caretaker/enabler role. When he died at age 83, she lost her only purpose in life. The whole town came to his funeral, as well as many relatives from far away. When she died 2 years later, my mom and her husband were the only ones in attendance at her funeral.

She died a bitter, angry old woman without any friends, and only one of her two daughters even came to say goodbye. It was one of the events that made me realize I didn't want to live that life. She 'stood by' my grandpa her whole life, through all the bad times, and all she got was the horrid life of a martyr.

L
LaTeeDa is offline  
Old 04-01-2010, 11:48 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
freefalling's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South Africa
Posts: 330
Thanks for all your replies> I am so happy tonight that I chose a better life for me and the children. No more frontrow seats to craziness. As a recovering codie I had (some days still have)my own behaviours that I am not proud of. I am so thankful for the peace and quiet in my home tonight. I am thankful to my HP and my SR friends for everything I learnt. I am sad for him , but I am happy for me and kids.

Change is something that we all must WANT more than anything if we want to recover from our past patterns. Well I wanted it and I still want it. I do not want to feel responsible for anybody but me and my young children. A lifetime of trying to change my AH has not been helpfull , but I had to experience this life to GROW . I accept it and I look forward to my new life. The changes were tough. It took a lot of therapy to "GET ME". LOL

Anvil , while he was in rehab I took him to court to remove him as a trustee from "his" business. We are the only two trustees. The judge ruled in my favour and now he cannot use the business as his personal bank account anymore.The court appointed 2 trustees to help me with the business going forward. My HP is providing.
freefalling is offline  
Old 04-01-2010, 06:34 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Taking5's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
I believe there are some people who cannot stop on their own. I had a who could not put down his bottle of gin, but he found the courage to jump off of a building in NYC. Sad but true.
Taking5 is offline  
Old 04-01-2010, 08:01 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
atdawn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: here
Posts: 62
Originally Posted by freefalling View Post
Is it true that some people cannot stop their addictive behaviour ? My STBXAH gets the following question from his family now that I am not there for him anymore. "Can you not stop or do you not want to stop?" Is there even such a question
My current thoughts on this are :

to stop any unhealthy behaviour that we know is not good for us, we have to want it to stop enough to do whatever it takes to stop.

The part of our brain telling us to stop has to win over the one that tells us to carry on.

And maybe some people can never want it enough? Or rather, cannot want it enough every day for the rest of their lives ...

atdawn is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:57 AM.