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Codependent No More - Book Study: Chap. 11 - Have A Love Affair With Yourself Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself By Melodie Beattie Book Study CHAPTER 11 - Have A Love Affair With Yourself Chapter 12 will go up Friday Evening |
Chapter 10 and previous chapters: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...way-point.html --------------- Synopsis: Most codependents suffer from low self-worth. We treat ourselves poorly. We see ourselves as "less than". We don't feel important, as such, our needs are not important. "We think we're inferior to and different from the rest of the world - Not unique, but oddly and inappropriately different." We have been known to disguise our feelings by spending a lot of energy on our appearances. From dress to the homes we live in. We pick on ourselves and tend to carry a lot of needless guilt. Putting ourselves first is almost out of the question. Melodie also explains that "Anyone as insignificant as us must go the extra mile to be liked". By others, and ourselves. Our self worth and self hatred can be tied into our codependency habits that include: Martydom Refusal to enjoy life Workaholism Staying busy (not simply enjoying life) Perfectionism Not feeling good about the things we do Procrastination Piles of Guilt Uncertainty about ourselves Preventing intimacy Avoiding commitment Staying in bad relationships Initiating bad relationships Avoiding relationships that would be healthy Here's some of the reasons we have this low-self worth (self hate) Alcoholic/sick parents Marrying an alcoholic/sick person Entering relationships with fragile self worth - then having it disintegrated She explains that we are often completely unaware of our low-self worth because we constantly compare ourselves to the very sick people in our lives. It doesn't matter why we are the way we are. We need to stop doing it. "Right now we can give ourselves a big emotional and mental hug" Go ahead, wrap your rams around yourself RIGHT NOW. :-) We are having appropriate emotions and we are right where we are supposed to be. We are not only okay, we are wonderful. We've only done the best we could. Time to look at our issues and defects. We need to make goals for ourselves. We are good hearted people. The main difference between us and the rest of the world is that we we pick on ourselves endlessly. Stop it. Other people, those we see as content, is that they allow themselves to shine. They work through fear. They set goals, and they foster their gifts and talents. They live life for themselves. We need to to stop self-blame. Self victimization and guilt do us no good. We need to become aware when we have these self-destructive thoughts. We need to practice self-affirmations. "To thine own self be true". Don't allow ourselves to trick ourselves. Laugh at ourselves when appropriate and hug ourselves often. Talk to God (or our higher power) clergy and/or friends. We need to train ourselves into behaviors that will enhance our self-worth. Assert our God given consciousness. Think independantly and love our life and our possible future. We have integrity, we are courageous. Commit ourselves to ourselves. "The love we give and receive will be enhanced by the love we give ourselves." ACTIVITY (paraphrased): 1.) Write about the things that you like or dislike about yourselves and re-read it. Is it true (to thine own self be true)? |
This blew me away when I first read it and was so eye-opening. I had to accept that I had a choice, every day, in how I treated myself, spoke to myself, believed in myself, and that those thoughts and beliefs and how I treated myself REALLY did matter! I couldn't just roll my eyes and dismiss this anymore. Examining my more outrageous thoughts and beliefs and breaking them down into rational, realistic thoughts took me light years ahead into recovery... Codie No More, Louise Hay's Heal Your Body with its powerful affirmations, and CBT w/ a therapist (cognitive behavior therapy) all pushed me and helped me to really change... It's amazing - once the veil was lifted, and I accepted reality, it allowed me to pull the reins in another direction and save myself. And once this thought became real, that no one was making me miserable except ME, then so many signs and messages, through books and people, started speaking to me in powerful ways. Like a flood. peace- b |
I am single (separated, not divorced for 7 months now) and I can't describe the joy I feel with my life. It is as though I am living in technicolor after years of black/white and gray. I realize that due to living with an abusive A, I didn't think *I* was good enough. My allegiance to him kept me from seeking out really healthy people whom I can admire. Every day has its elements of fun. And a delightful sense of the absurd. I am secure and happy in my own skin. I am learning how to like myself. One thing I have done is seek out photos of myself where I look attractive. I had decided that I wasn't attractive and then I started living like I wasn't attractive and didn't spend any time getting dressed or trying to look nice, and guess what? I didn't look attractive. I am overweight, but have started running (and roller-skating and horseback riding) and guess what? my legs are starting to develop some tone and look pretty. And I am letting myself admire myself for the first time in years. When I hear myself becoming paranoid "I can't believe I said that. They must have thought I was really stupid." I stop myself, say "I wonder why I am feeling so down on myself today?" acknowledge that my recall may not be factual, but more emotional, and then try to move on. I feel so good for the first time in years. |
Originally Posted by stella27
(Post 2556582)
I am single (separated, not divorced for 7 months now) and I can't describe the joy I feel with my life. It is as though I am living in technicolor after years of black/white and gray. I realize that due to living with an abusive A, I didn't think *I* was good enough. My allegiance to him kept me from seeking out really healthy people whom I can admire. Every day has its elements of fun. And a delightful sense of the absurd. I am secure and happy in my own skin. I am learning how to like myself. One thing I have done is seek out photos of myself where I look attractive. I had decided that I wasn't attractive and then I started living like I wasn't attractive and didn't spend any time getting dressed or trying to look nice, and guess what? I didn't look attractive. I am overweight, but have started running (and roller-skating and horseback riding) and guess what? my legs are starting to develop some tone and look pretty. And I am letting myself admire myself for the first time in years. When I hear myself becoming paranoid "I can't believe I said that. They must have thought I was really stupid." I stop myself, say "I wonder why I am feeling so down on myself today?" acknowledge that my recall may not be factual, but more emotional, and then try to move on. I feel so good for the first time in years. One thing I've noticed about photo's (except one small period) is that I was much better looking than how I perceived myself at the time. Which is also very telling. |
"Anyone as insignificant as us must go the extra mile to be liked". L |
I believe that I am: -overweight, and will often call myself fat and unattractive, and that I have no right being in a bathing suit, everyone will look at me and shake their heads. - obsessed about the rules - I HATE having to move across that yellow line, even to avoid a pothole - convinced that if I make a mistake I will be found out - certain that no one is interested in what I have to say about my feelings and personal thoughts. Interestingly, I feel secure in my work ability and do not hesitate to chime in. - afraid that people only love me for what I can do for them. That is I suddenly stopped doing anything, I would stop being loved. The TRUTH: -I am about 20 pounds overweight and could use some toning but am by NO MEANS ugly and nobody looks twice at me at the beach, and my H is still attraced to me. - I am learning to HATE rules! And occassionally I break them to see what will happen - so far, nothing. - I screw up like everone else and I am moving away from the idea of perfection -I have started to share my feelings regardless. If I get a positive reaction then great! I have now moved a little bit closer to that person. If I don't, I ask myself is this a pattern? If it is with this person, I stop sharing with them. It's still a very scary thing for me, and the rejection (even perceived) hurts. It happened last nite with my H. I shared something about me, but he took it personally and shut down. I am still struggling with feelings of rejection. bleh. -I am not doing as much, but still alot. |
this really helped me this is what im going through i needed to re-affirm that im good enough! thanks |
This is what Celibacy is all about. Not deprivation. A complete change of focus. Hopefulkly, one that will continue when the time is right to involve someone else. |
"Celibacy" I know, I know, me too. But I shall throw a fit anyway::rant: I'm hoping this excersize will help with my moodiness. I'm really happy/optimistic 75% of the time. Then, like just now, I'm all "blah". Although, I don't stay "blah" for too terribly long. It's annoying mostly. |
ACTIVITY (paraphrased): 1.) Write about the things that you like or dislike about yourselves and re-read it. Is it true (to thine own self be true)? I'm a slob I procrastinate I'm not involved enough with my 7-year old I'm prone to isolation I'm lazy I do not prioroitize well I neglect myself I don't care for myself properly I go to extremes I think in extremes I can't appreciate the present very well Well, dang it: YES, It's all TRUE: Ewwwww! :gaah |
I'll add that at least today and the last couple weeks, I really like myself mostly. Part of it might be due to the fact that I hit my high school weight some weeks back. I feel purdy. I feel grateful for so much - friends, kids, etc... I know I have an awsome future. I feel 10 years younger yet 10 years wiser. |
Things I don't like about myself: moody fickle impatient lazy procrastinator like NOBODY's business! forgetful (seriously!) perfectionistic/picky judgmental over-thinker Things I love: generally positive friendly enthusiastic appreciative willing loving playful thoughtful spontaneous eager creative open Are they true? I can't say they aren't but I could put the qualifier on of "sometimes". |
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