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hopeandpray 03-30-2010 06:32 AM

New here
 
hi my BF(maybe ex?) has started drinking again. we're together 3 years and he had just stopped drinking when i met him. i love him so much and want us to have a future together. i was really worried about his drinking so told his sister as knew she would try to get him help. now he's dumped me and says he hates me . i don't know what to do. i thiought i was doing the right thing. im so upset and confused. how can i help him now he doesnt want to talk to me?

Pelican 03-30-2010 06:44 AM

Welcome to the Sober Recovery family!

You will find information and support for yourself here. Make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. There is a wealth of wisdom in the permanent posts (stickies) at the top of this forum.

Your friend may be an alcoholic. Have you considered attending Alanon meetings? Alanon is a face to face support group for friends and family of alcoholics. It is based on the same 12 steps of AA.
Step One is: We admitted we are powerless over alcohol - and our lives had become unmanageable.

Welcome to our world. We are powerless over another person's alcoholism and our lives became unmanageable. We tried screaming, crying, begging, manipulating, denying, fixing and controlling and when we were completely exhausted (mentally and physically) we were ready to admit we were powerless over alcohol.

The only person I can control or fix is myself. Through Alanon, this forum and self-help books, I have learned to love myself and take better care of myself. As a stronger, healthier ME, I am able to be supportive to those around me and allow them the dignity of controlling their own personal lives.

Pull out the keyboard, and make yourself at home!

nodaybut2day 03-30-2010 07:05 AM

hi hopeandpray and WELCOME to SR! This is a wonderful place filled with supportive and humourous people. I'm glad you found us.

I don't know if you're aware of the 3 C's of addiction, so I'll post them just in case:
You didn't CAUSE it.
You can't CURE it.
You can't CONTROL it.

Regarding your situation, I'm sorry to say that no matter what you do, say, think or feel, you have absolutely no control over what your XABF does. You're not that powerful! He is making HIS choices and the only thing you can do is step waaaaaay back, let him do whatever he does, and focus on yourself. It's not up to you or his sister or anybody to "help him". *IF* he ever chooses to find recovery, it'll be entirely his choice.

Now, speaking about YOU, what do you want in life? Where do you see yourself in 5 years? How do you plan on getting there?

Have you considered going to Al-Anon to get the support you need?

I know this breakup comes as a shock, but I'd venture to say that you're being given an opportunity to examine yourself and why you are with someone who is this toxic. Perhaps giving "Codependent No More" a read might be eye-opening...

Keep posting and reading as much as you want. That's what SR is here for.

Ceres 03-30-2010 07:42 AM

Hey Hope:

"now he's dumped me and says he hates me ."

I know you're a bright girl, because you found us! This statement speaks volumes about his maturity level. I'd walk away. Doesn't sound like someone I'd want to build a future with.

iwantcontrol 03-30-2010 07:51 AM

alcoholics seem to be emotionally stunted and very immature. I'll say soemthing he doesn't like when he's drinking and he'll either hang up the phone or tell me he doesn't want to see me etc. you just want to shout at them to grow up!

Tally 03-30-2010 08:15 AM


Originally Posted by hopeandpray (Post 2555602)
how can i help him now he doesnt want to talk to me?

Why would you want to help someone who said they hate you and dumped you?

He's not your problem to fix. Sounds to me you've had a lucky escape.

It's not "fun" helping an alcoholic, it can drive you crazy, literally crazy. Why would you want that?


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