Summerpeach

IWANT: it's totally the opposite when they stop drinking. If they stop drinking without being in recovery (12 steps, therapy etc) they actually can't deal with life AT ALL!
The booze helps them deal with life now.
Once they stop, they go back to the emotional age they started drinking at.
They are raw, scared fearful and can be REAL REAL jerks!

My relationship with my BF is worth it some days and some days is not. He stopped drinking a while back and life with him was WORSE!
I thought him going to AA and not drinking was the anwer, well the last 2 years (he fell off the wagon once in 2 yrs for 1 month) have been really hard since he's struggling to deal with life without his "booze mask"

It's called dry drunk syndrome

stella27

My husband was awful when he wasn't drinking. He was just so mean to me and short-tempered with the kids and everyone else. When he was drunk, he was relaxed and could cope.

suki44883

At the risk of repeating what has been said several times before...the way he is NOW is the way he is. If the relationship is worth it, it is worth it right now, today, just as things exist this very moment. He is a drinker and it doesn't appear that he has any intention of stopping. You have been in this spot for a long time now and nothing has changed. Either accept him as he is right now, or move on. You keep trying to change him and you do not have the much power. Let him live his life the way he wants. It's his right.

LaTeeDa

Suki's right. The 'relationship' you're hanging on to doesn't exist. You want him to be somebody else. You've created a fantasy in your mind about how it 'could be,' and in the process you are ignoring what it really is. That's called denial.

L

Thumper

It seems you have done all you can. What more can you do for this relationship?

Why haven't you told him it is rehab or I'm leaving? What are you waiting for exactly?

Your post starts off talking about detaching, veers off into fantasy, and ends with you still very much entangled by needing him to try something before you can feel like you've tried everything.

You've tried everything when *you've* tried it all. There is no room for another person in that sentence.

I'm sorry if I missed it in previous threads but have you tried going no-contact with him? If you could just take a month long break from him maybe it would help you with your personal recovery. A month is not a long time. It isn't to much to ask of either one of you.

iwantcontrol

i havent told him its rehab or i'm leaving because i thought that was me being controlling and i shouldn't say that. It is what i want to say but i guess i can't say it until i mean it for sure.

suki44883

That's it in a nutshell. You aren't ready to make the boundary that you have to enforce. When you've had enough, you will.

GiveLove

IWC, please examine this sentence closely, and you will find the answers eluding you.

"I don't give up on things easily unless I've done all I can": Do you have a picture of what "all I can" looks like? If you do not, then you will still be suffering the stress and pain of this relationship when you are 80, if the stress lets you live that long, because you're not yet convinced you've done all you can.

"so it makes sense that i need him to have tried everything": So it makes sense that you need someone else, over whom you have no control, and who does not WANT to do these things, who in fact REFUSES to do these things, to take some specific action in order for you to feel "you've" done everything?

You are a logical person. Does that sound logical?

You're doing better, but still trapped in, well, wanting control. And I don't think anything that anyone here says can change that. You want to control him, so he'll be better, so you'll be better. (in turn, lots of folks here want to change YOU, so you'll be better, but that's sort of the nature of the beast here )

You are definitely making progress. I hope you can continue to find a way to your own happiness. It does not lie in the hands of your boyfriend.

iwantcontrol

i can see how illogical that sounds. the thing is, he does want to be better but maybe doesn't want to put the work in into getting there. if you spent 5 minutes with him it would be obvious he wants to get better, but maybe that is illusion.

suki44883

No. If he truly wanted to get better, he would be doing something about it. An outsider would be able to tell in 5 minutes that he's not interested. You can't see it because you are in the middle of the chaos.

Summerpeach

IWANT: when my BF walked into an AA meeting was when I finally left him. Before that, he wanted to get better too, but never had a reason. His ex of 20 yrs was an addict, his ex GF was an addict and then me, who was not an addict and believe it or not, I had boundaries and one day, he pushed me TOO far. I walked!
He went to AA because he was losing everything.
I never once asked him to go to AA, stop drinking or change.
My control issues with him only started when he joined AA (odd but true).

He wants to get well and I believe he does, but he doesn't want it bad enough
Just like obese people want to lose weight, they REALLY DO, but they won't get off their arse to exercise or eat well.........but believe me, they want it.

Summerpeach

oh and I need to add, I didn't walk away from him to get him to change or get a reaction, I was truly fed up!
I took him back because I saw how hard he was working on himself and it's been a REAL struggle since.

LaTeeDa

What makes you think he wants to get better? Because he says it? Have you considered that maybe his words are being used to manipulate you into sticking around? Could that be one reason why his actions don't match?

For so many years, I tried to manipulate my husband into doing what I wanted. In turn, he continued to manipulate me into believing that he would do what I wanted--eventually. We did the mutual manipulation thing for about ten years. I never got him to do what I wanted, but I became someone I didn't like very much in the process. And he progressed in his alcoholism partly because I continued to play the game.

L

Tally

But you're not a "normal" couple. He is an alcoholic and you are co-dependant.

Does this not show you something? That maybe it's a form of manipulation?

Found a job, got new friends, found somewhere to live, got over an ex, got oer a death in the family, got married, had kids, etc..etc... There's always something. There are millions of jobless people in the world today, especially in the current economical climate, are they all alcoholics because they aren't working? Many, many alcoholics hold down full time jobs and still find time to drink.

If he's using his employment status as an excuse for drinking, it sounds to me like he's still in denial, still validating it to himself. If that is the case then he's a hell of a way from rehab.

It's called deflection. My A was the same. Of course I was only negative about things when I was trying to be realistic.."No we can't afford to go on holiday...you spend every penny we have spare on alcohol"..."You're SOOOO negative". Yeah ok, lol.

We were all waiting for a magic bullet of some sort at one time. I waited oo at least 6 years. Changed into a completely different person in that time, bitter, angry, introverted etc..
How long are you prepared to wait for him to try the methods he has left?

I only had enough two years AFTER my A quit drinking. It doesn't get better just because they stop. They have to REALLLLLLLY want recovery to change.

He has to want it for him, not for you. If he wanted it for him, REALLY wanted it, he would do something about it without ANY imput from you at all.