Recovery without treatment
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 132
Recovery without treatment
Hello everyone,
My ex boyfriend, an alcoholic of more than 20 years, quit drinking on October 4, 2009. He quit without help or treatment. He is doing it alone. He's been to a few AA meetings, but doesn't really buy into AA's philosophy, so never continued attending meetings.
We broke up in early January and have seen each other only once since then, and have spoken 2 or 3 times. We were together for five years. In those 5 years, there were several break-ups for his lying and cheating. When he decided to quit drinking, we were not together, but he wanted me back "because he needed to be with someone who loved and understood him while he was making this life change". Then, 3 months later, he dumped me. He is now dating a woman he dated during one of our extended break-ups.
Although I've taken steps to move on permanently (I've changed my phone numbers and locks and I've started dating!) I do have a really rotten taste in my mouth.
When he was SINKING, at his lowest, drowning, whatever you want to call it, I was there for him. He needed someone to support him - I was there for him. Then he walks out on me. Tells me he "needs something different". This is a man who changes hobbies/music taste/clothing style/movie taste on a dime. One day, he wanted to buy a cello. Then, he was going to build a bookcase. Then, he was going to make a movie. It's impossible to keep up with his changes --- attempts to change who he is, I think.
I saw no difference in his behaviour after he stopped drinking. He was still rotten inside.
My question -- is it possible to recover without help? Is simply stopping the drinking considered "recovery"? He seems to have no heart, no empathy, no humanity.
And although I recognize that it's time to move on with my life - I guess I wonder if it's even possible that he'll be a whole person without help or treatment or counselling...Deep down I don't think it is. And that actually makes it easier for me to close the chapter on this sick, diseased, hopeless man.
My ex boyfriend, an alcoholic of more than 20 years, quit drinking on October 4, 2009. He quit without help or treatment. He is doing it alone. He's been to a few AA meetings, but doesn't really buy into AA's philosophy, so never continued attending meetings.
We broke up in early January and have seen each other only once since then, and have spoken 2 or 3 times. We were together for five years. In those 5 years, there were several break-ups for his lying and cheating. When he decided to quit drinking, we were not together, but he wanted me back "because he needed to be with someone who loved and understood him while he was making this life change". Then, 3 months later, he dumped me. He is now dating a woman he dated during one of our extended break-ups.
Although I've taken steps to move on permanently (I've changed my phone numbers and locks and I've started dating!) I do have a really rotten taste in my mouth.
When he was SINKING, at his lowest, drowning, whatever you want to call it, I was there for him. He needed someone to support him - I was there for him. Then he walks out on me. Tells me he "needs something different". This is a man who changes hobbies/music taste/clothing style/movie taste on a dime. One day, he wanted to buy a cello. Then, he was going to build a bookcase. Then, he was going to make a movie. It's impossible to keep up with his changes --- attempts to change who he is, I think.
I saw no difference in his behaviour after he stopped drinking. He was still rotten inside.
My question -- is it possible to recover without help? Is simply stopping the drinking considered "recovery"? He seems to have no heart, no empathy, no humanity.
And although I recognize that it's time to move on with my life - I guess I wonder if it's even possible that he'll be a whole person without help or treatment or counselling...Deep down I don't think it is. And that actually makes it easier for me to close the chapter on this sick, diseased, hopeless man.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
The drinking was only a symptom for me. If it was the only problem, then it would stand to reason that once I put the drink down, I would be fine.
That wasn't the case for me.
My disease of alcoholism is threefold-physical, emotional, and spiritual.
Without addressing all three of those, I'm nothing more than a dry drunk.
All those ugly character defects of mine (egotism, self-centeredness, lying, cheating, etc etc etc) were still there when I put the bottle down.
That's when the real work began. I had to learn a whole new way to live, and a way to become the best that I could be in this life.
There are plenty of miserable dry drunks out there who still have the same behaviors/attitudes they had when drinking.
Sometimes alcohol gets too much credit, and those ugly attitudes/behaviors are just who they are.
I hope you find some way to move past the bitter taste in your mouth.
I struggled for years after I left my EXAH. He never found recovery, and had several affairs while we were married.
He moved on to someone else after I left him.
It was through working the 12 steps of AA and Alanon that I was able to heal and move forward with my life.
That wasn't the case for me.
My disease of alcoholism is threefold-physical, emotional, and spiritual.
Without addressing all three of those, I'm nothing more than a dry drunk.
All those ugly character defects of mine (egotism, self-centeredness, lying, cheating, etc etc etc) were still there when I put the bottle down.
That's when the real work began. I had to learn a whole new way to live, and a way to become the best that I could be in this life.
There are plenty of miserable dry drunks out there who still have the same behaviors/attitudes they had when drinking.
Sometimes alcohol gets too much credit, and those ugly attitudes/behaviors are just who they are.
I hope you find some way to move past the bitter taste in your mouth.
I struggled for years after I left my EXAH. He never found recovery, and had several affairs while we were married.
He moved on to someone else after I left him.
It was through working the 12 steps of AA and Alanon that I was able to heal and move forward with my life.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
BumblingAlong says: My question -- is it possible to recover without help? Is simply stopping the drinking considered "recovery"? He seems to have no heart, no empathy, no humanity.
After the last relapse, he went back to AA but each and every time, found an excuse to stop going to meetings-excuses ranged from not liking the meetings, too much bad s**t at meetings, not being able to get to meetings, not getting a sponsor and adamantly insisting that the 12 Steps shackled him, not freed him from alcohol.
Is that recovery? Not when the old behaviours were still there-he treated me like excess baggage and the only thing different was the fact he was not drinking. As Freedom1990 says, the drinking was only the symptom - once that stopped, the old behaviours are still there, hence the term "dry drunk."
My final straw - after supporting him, loving him, picking up the pieces and in turn, being disrespected, verbally abused, blamed for his issues was around 3 weeks ago when he walked out of my house after we had a silly argument. According to him, I caused it all with my "simmering temper." Every time we tried to have a conversation about what happened, it turned into a monologue with him doing all of the talking. It's hard to defend yourself when you can't speak, so I finally called it quits.
It's not been long and it's not easy to make that final break but for once, I lost my codie tendencies and thought about me for a change-is this what I really want for the rest of my life? I'll be honest-the temptation is there to pick up that phone, respond to that email, but if I did that, I'd be right back wher I was. So, I blocked his number and email, the phone has been quiet and whenever I have those weak moments, I listen to his final voice mails, read the last emails I got from him, see the anger and venom and realize that nothing is going to change.
If my ex wants recovery, it's his for the taking. My recovery, my life are mine and mine alone.....
Hugs coming your way....:ghug3
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
If u are short on alcoholism insight, read
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ng-bottom.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ng-bottom.html
Originally Posted by BumblingAlong 
Hello everyone,
My ex boyfriend, an alcoholic of more than 20 years, quit drinking on October 4, 2009. He quit without help or treatment. He is doing it alone. He's been to a few AA meetings, but doesn't really buy into AA's philosophy, so never continued attending meetings.
We broke up in early January and have seen each other only once since then, and have spoken 2 or 3 times. We were together for five years. In those 5 years, there were several break-ups for his lying and cheating. When he decided to quit drinking, we were not together, but he wanted me back "because he needed to be with someone who loved and understood him while he was making this life change". Then, 3 months later, he dumped me. He is now dating a woman he dated during one of our extended break-ups.
Although I've taken steps to move on permanently (I've changed my phone numbers and locks and I've started dating!) I do have a really rotten taste in my mouth.
When he was SINKING, at his lowest, drowning, whatever you want to call it, I was there for him. He needed someone to support him - I was there for him. Then he walks out on me. Tells me he "needs something different". This is a man who changes hobbies/music taste/clothing style/movie taste on a dime. One day, he wanted to buy a cello. Then, he was going to build a bookcase. Then, he was going to make a movie. It's impossible to keep up with his changes --- attempts to change who he is, I think.
I saw no difference in his behaviour after he stopped drinking. He was still rotten inside.
My question -- is it possible to recover without help? Is simply stopping the drinking considered "recovery"? He seems to have no heart, no empathy, no humanity.
And although I recognize that it's time to move on with my life - I guess I wonder if it's even possible that he'll be a whole person without help or treatment or counselling...Deep down I don't think it is. And that actually makes it easier for me to close the chapter on this sick, diseased, hopeless man.
My ex boyfriend, an alcoholic of more than 20 years, quit drinking on October 4, 2009. He quit without help or treatment. He is doing it alone. He's been to a few AA meetings, but doesn't really buy into AA's philosophy, so never continued attending meetings.
We broke up in early January and have seen each other only once since then, and have spoken 2 or 3 times. We were together for five years. In those 5 years, there were several break-ups for his lying and cheating. When he decided to quit drinking, we were not together, but he wanted me back "because he needed to be with someone who loved and understood him while he was making this life change". Then, 3 months later, he dumped me. He is now dating a woman he dated during one of our extended break-ups.
Although I've taken steps to move on permanently (I've changed my phone numbers and locks and I've started dating!) I do have a really rotten taste in my mouth.
When he was SINKING, at his lowest, drowning, whatever you want to call it, I was there for him. He needed someone to support him - I was there for him. Then he walks out on me. Tells me he "needs something different". This is a man who changes hobbies/music taste/clothing style/movie taste on a dime. One day, he wanted to buy a cello. Then, he was going to build a bookcase. Then, he was going to make a movie. It's impossible to keep up with his changes --- attempts to change who he is, I think.
I saw no difference in his behaviour after he stopped drinking. He was still rotten inside.
My question -- is it possible to recover without help? Is simply stopping the drinking considered "recovery"? He seems to have no heart, no empathy, no humanity.
And although I recognize that it's time to move on with my life - I guess I wonder if it's even possible that he'll be a whole person without help or treatment or counselling...Deep down I don't think it is. And that actually makes it easier for me to close the chapter on this sick, diseased, hopeless man.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: London UK
Posts: 86
Suppose your Higher Power sent you an email stating "BumblingAlong, it is possible that he'll be a whole person without help or treatment or counselling". I don't see why such an email should change your life.
It seems he didn't want you back, he just wanted someone back. Why should you be involved on those terms? You should think better of yourself.
Also, as a general rule, sobriety is a big life change, which if successful may require other life changes. So it's quite risky to assume that if you are with someone at their bottom, they will stay with you through recovery.
It seems he didn't want you back, he just wanted someone back. Why should you be involved on those terms? You should think better of yourself.
Also, as a general rule, sobriety is a big life change, which if successful may require other life changes. So it's quite risky to assume that if you are with someone at their bottom, they will stay with you through recovery.
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