Al-anon and Forum Triggering?
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Join Date: Jan 2010
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Al-anon and Forum Triggering?
I'm trying really hard to pick myself up and I'm finding that I don't feel like going to meetings and reading in here makes me think about XABF more too.
I'm having a hard time really separating myself emotionally and I feel like others have posted, talking about it just makes it worse.
So to read about alcoholism, talk about it and see it front of me all the time just frustrates me and makes me sad. I'm sad when I see things that remind me of him too.
I still would like to talk to a therapist as I have just started antidepressants and need help to talk it out, but do u guys think its a good idea to just take a break from the whole alcoholism thing? Its not my problem and I'm tired of talking and reading about it all. I accept there is nothing I can do and more than likely this is over. Completely, regardless of what actions he takes.
I just need to grieve now and I want to that as far away as possible from anything that reminds me of him. Its so tough, because I don't want to burden anyone with how sad I feel. So I try and force back tears many times through out the day. Man, I can't wait until this is a thing of the past.
I'm having a hard time really separating myself emotionally and I feel like others have posted, talking about it just makes it worse.
So to read about alcoholism, talk about it and see it front of me all the time just frustrates me and makes me sad. I'm sad when I see things that remind me of him too.
I still would like to talk to a therapist as I have just started antidepressants and need help to talk it out, but do u guys think its a good idea to just take a break from the whole alcoholism thing? Its not my problem and I'm tired of talking and reading about it all. I accept there is nothing I can do and more than likely this is over. Completely, regardless of what actions he takes.
I just need to grieve now and I want to that as far away as possible from anything that reminds me of him. Its so tough, because I don't want to burden anyone with how sad I feel. So I try and force back tears many times through out the day. Man, I can't wait until this is a thing of the past.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Originally Posted by MaryGoRound 
I just need to grieve now and I want to that as far away as possible from anything that reminds me of him. Its so tough, because I don't want to burden anyone with how sad I feel. So I try and force back tears many times through out the day. Man, I can't wait until this is a thing of the past.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I totally get the idea of needing a break. First you spend all your time and energy dealing with an alcoholic, then you spend all your time talking about dealing with an alcoholic, then you spend all your time thinking about how to stop dealing and talking about an alcoholic......it's one exhausting, and seemingly never ending saga. Been there, done that myself.
I say from experience....it does end. Going through this process to the fullest, really working the program, gets you there so please don't be deterred out of frustration. It will happen and you will move forward. I didn't think I would, and yet here I am. I choose when to think about X, talk about X, and intend to never deal with X again.
Take a break if you need to. Step back and take a breather. That's okay. Keep the focus on what is going to make you healthy and happy.
Where I feel concern for you is when you say you don't want to burden anyone with your sadness. This is something my mother says as well. An example is when she stopped going to a counsellor because she didn't want to bother her with her problems. WTF? That's what a therapist is PAID to do!
We are here because we want to be. We listen because we care about others who have been where we were. We give our experience, strength, and hope because we want to give back to the group here and to the program that helped us. Your sadness is not a burden here and that guilt about it is self-inflicted. We care and want to hear from you.
I hope you keep sharing your feelings and your recovery with us even if you leave the talk of alcoholism at the door.
Wishing you the best!
Alice
I say from experience....it does end. Going through this process to the fullest, really working the program, gets you there so please don't be deterred out of frustration. It will happen and you will move forward. I didn't think I would, and yet here I am. I choose when to think about X, talk about X, and intend to never deal with X again.
Take a break if you need to. Step back and take a breather. That's okay. Keep the focus on what is going to make you healthy and happy.
Where I feel concern for you is when you say you don't want to burden anyone with your sadness. This is something my mother says as well. An example is when she stopped going to a counsellor because she didn't want to bother her with her problems. WTF? That's what a therapist is PAID to do!
We are here because we want to be. We listen because we care about others who have been where we were. We give our experience, strength, and hope because we want to give back to the group here and to the program that helped us. Your sadness is not a burden here and that guilt about it is self-inflicted. We care and want to hear from you.
I hope you keep sharing your feelings and your recovery with us even if you leave the talk of alcoholism at the door.
Wishing you the best!
Alice
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Hi Mary,
Hang in there. Get your therapist. Talk about you and what you are feeling or doing. When I first posted here this time, I found it difficult to just talk or vent or share about my day related or unrelated to my qualifying person. I felt like you do now. I try to encourage people to talk without concern for what others think. Everyone is at a different place and processes things in different timetable.
I would suggest the kind of break where you can keep us informed of how your day went, the small victories or the medium to large setbacks. I don't go to in person meetings b/c it is really inconvenient for me and I work with people all day and if I feel like talking about me - I don't have to listen to everyone first.
I do like the meeting here on Sat much more than any meeting I attended.
Keep in mind that this a greiving process and sadness if part healing. You have to pay attention to what hurts by various healthy means in order to recover.
you can also reduce your involvement, add other readings etc. that is another way to take breaks - slow down.
There are days when I come here and wish someone asked me how my day went - or ask me to talk about what I am thinking. I don't always need to solve a problem or ask for advice.
Hang in there. Get your therapist. Talk about you and what you are feeling or doing. When I first posted here this time, I found it difficult to just talk or vent or share about my day related or unrelated to my qualifying person. I felt like you do now. I try to encourage people to talk without concern for what others think. Everyone is at a different place and processes things in different timetable.
I would suggest the kind of break where you can keep us informed of how your day went, the small victories or the medium to large setbacks. I don't go to in person meetings b/c it is really inconvenient for me and I work with people all day and if I feel like talking about me - I don't have to listen to everyone first.
I do like the meeting here on Sat much more than any meeting I attended.
Keep in mind that this a greiving process and sadness if part healing. You have to pay attention to what hurts by various healthy means in order to recover.
you can also reduce your involvement, add other readings etc. that is another way to take breaks - slow down.
There are days when I come here and wish someone asked me how my day went - or ask me to talk about what I am thinking. I don't always need to solve a problem or ask for advice.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Hey Mary
Do you think it's this forum and reading that is making you so sad, or the natural grieving process? Kassie had a great suggestion, to limit your reading and post victories. And Alice is straight up right on as usual. You're not burdening us. You need help! Ask for it, process it, own it and believe you deserve the love, help and acceptance you receive here.
I dont' know where you are in your recovery, but at first it is overwhelming and hard to make these changes, especially if you don't have reference for it. I came here, and stayed, because I was determined to fix my damn life. And I personally believe if you take some of this pain and use it for fuel to change yourself you'll get through it faster.
How long ago did you and your A split? The trick might be doing a healthy walk through of your grieving process, not lingering in depression, but also not shifting into denial. I also am careful about staying away for too long, getting into my head without these sane voices of reason to remind me of reality. But that's just me.
Also, you may want to try reading those "stickies" up at the top about recovery for a little while, instead of postings by other folks who are triggering or struggling.
This one is my favorites
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html
Hope you're feeling better today. How about starting a gratitude list. That always makes me feel some better.
hugs
Do you think it's this forum and reading that is making you so sad, or the natural grieving process? Kassie had a great suggestion, to limit your reading and post victories. And Alice is straight up right on as usual. You're not burdening us. You need help! Ask for it, process it, own it and believe you deserve the love, help and acceptance you receive here.
I dont' know where you are in your recovery, but at first it is overwhelming and hard to make these changes, especially if you don't have reference for it. I came here, and stayed, because I was determined to fix my damn life. And I personally believe if you take some of this pain and use it for fuel to change yourself you'll get through it faster.
How long ago did you and your A split? The trick might be doing a healthy walk through of your grieving process, not lingering in depression, but also not shifting into denial. I also am careful about staying away for too long, getting into my head without these sane voices of reason to remind me of reality. But that's just me.
Also, you may want to try reading those "stickies" up at the top about recovery for a little while, instead of postings by other folks who are triggering or struggling.
This one is my favorites
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html
Hope you're feeling better today. How about starting a gratitude list. That always makes me feel some better.
hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 218
Hey Mary,
No advice - just a big warm virtual hug. I'm right there with you, sister. The relationship was hard, being left was hard, grieving was hard .. now step work is hard and I wonder sometimes whether I'm staying stuck when I should be moving on. The great thing about staying close to the boards is knowing that it -can- get easier and that I'm not alone.
SL.
No advice - just a big warm virtual hug. I'm right there with you, sister. The relationship was hard, being left was hard, grieving was hard .. now step work is hard and I wonder sometimes whether I'm staying stuck when I should be moving on. The great thing about staying close to the boards is knowing that it -can- get easier and that I'm not alone.
SL.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Hi Mary,
I just wanted to chime in to tell you I went through the same sort of thing as you...after a honeymoon period of being on SR ALL.THE.TIME because I just needed to be, I felt a bit tired of reading "my" story over and over in the lives of others. It felt a bit depressing that so many people the world over were dealing with the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction. It saddened me greatly. I also kept apologizing to people here for posting about issues I felt were unrelated to alcoholism. Interestingly enough, no one ever told me to shut up or go away, because at some point in their own journey, they'd dealt with the same sort of issue.
Eventually, as my XAH slowly lost interest in torturing me, and perhaps also as I became more adept at fielding his crazymaking attempts, my journey became more about ME and less about him and his alcoholism. Nowadays, I don't talk to him except for about 2 sentences when I drop DD off to him and 1 sentence afterwards (along with a few texted words to talk about arrival and departure time). There's no mention of his drinking. I don't know if he drinks when he has DD, but she seems content to go see him and happy to return to me afterwards, so I'm cautiously assuming that things are alright for now. This may change but for now, And that's great because it gives me time and energy to focus on me, and on the hangups I developed by being with him and with other toxic people. My reflection has widdened in scope to include those that came before him (gasp, there WERE other people before XAH! WOW!), and how my codie habits came into play then as well.
I also went to counselling and it helped a great deal to reassure me, validate what I was feeling and give me a dedicate time every 1-2 weeks to talk about me without feeling self-centered. It was my necessary spring cleaning.
I just wanted to chime in to tell you I went through the same sort of thing as you...after a honeymoon period of being on SR ALL.THE.TIME because I just needed to be, I felt a bit tired of reading "my" story over and over in the lives of others. It felt a bit depressing that so many people the world over were dealing with the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction. It saddened me greatly. I also kept apologizing to people here for posting about issues I felt were unrelated to alcoholism. Interestingly enough, no one ever told me to shut up or go away, because at some point in their own journey, they'd dealt with the same sort of issue.
Eventually, as my XAH slowly lost interest in torturing me, and perhaps also as I became more adept at fielding his crazymaking attempts, my journey became more about ME and less about him and his alcoholism. Nowadays, I don't talk to him except for about 2 sentences when I drop DD off to him and 1 sentence afterwards (along with a few texted words to talk about arrival and departure time). There's no mention of his drinking. I don't know if he drinks when he has DD, but she seems content to go see him and happy to return to me afterwards, so I'm cautiously assuming that things are alright for now. This may change but for now, And that's great because it gives me time and energy to focus on me, and on the hangups I developed by being with him and with other toxic people. My reflection has widdened in scope to include those that came before him (gasp, there WERE other people before XAH! WOW!), and how my codie habits came into play then as well.
I also went to counselling and it helped a great deal to reassure me, validate what I was feeling and give me a dedicate time every 1-2 weeks to talk about me without feeling self-centered. It was my necessary spring cleaning.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South Africa
Posts: 330
Originally Posted by MaryGoRound
Its so tough, because I don't want to burden anyone with how sad I feel. So I try and force back tears many times through out the day. Man, I can't wait until this is a thing of the past.
Everything I read here helps me.
Your sadness may touch someone in ways that you will never know. It may help a lurker (still) that is ashamed (like I was)to come into touch of her feelings. For others it gives an oppurtunity to pray for you. For some it may encourage them to be brave like you and to face their pain. For some further down the road of recovery it will remind them to be thankful for their recovery. For some it will be a reminder to never go back to the sick relationship that they were in with their A.
We all learn from each other and most want to give back something!
hugs
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
I joined this site going on 6 years ago for support for my alcoholism. I've now got problems with my kids drinking 
I have to keep up with my own recovery plus, I have to seek advice on what to do to not enable my kids.
Nice thing about being on here, I do get honest support.
I have to keep up with my own recovery plus, I have to seek advice on what to do to not enable my kids.
Nice thing about being on here, I do get honest support.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: PM me
Posts: 324
Thanks so much guys. You all (as usual) have such valid points.
And yeah, I'm just sick of doing all of the emotional leg work. I had a long talk with my dad the other night and he was telling me I poured all of myself into this and I need to get myself back. Heal and grow at the same time. Its very hard.
I'm so scared because this person (A) has been my friend for three years. That's most of my college career. I'm not sure what's going to happen with anything. I've been working my butt off in so many ways and now its all changing and ending at once and it's really scary for me. I don't know who I am or what I want because what I poured myself into (school and this relationship, in a lot of ways) is over. And I know so many other people have it worse off, but its taken so much strength to remove myself from this with all of his tactics to keep me from sticking to my boundary. Because I want to be with him so I'm working against myself.
Its very frightening for me, transitions. My mom was very controlling and I had to walk on eggshells around my stepdad growing up so after I moved out I started to really live....but I still don't know what I want and that really scares me.
I feel like the life has been sucked out of me most of the time throughout that day. I don't want to really listen to music or be around friends sometimes because it makes me feel worse. My dad did help me by also saying last night, that this makes sense because I gave so much of myself to this and now its gone. So there is this sense of emptiness. I need to find healthy ways of feeling fulfilled.
Ugh and the thought of another relationship makes me want to vomit. And then of course I'm terrified I'll never love someone fully ever again.
Typical worries. I know. But I am heartbroken and I will heal. Hopefully soon!
And yeah, I'm just sick of doing all of the emotional leg work. I had a long talk with my dad the other night and he was telling me I poured all of myself into this and I need to get myself back. Heal and grow at the same time. Its very hard.
I'm so scared because this person (A) has been my friend for three years. That's most of my college career. I'm not sure what's going to happen with anything. I've been working my butt off in so many ways and now its all changing and ending at once and it's really scary for me. I don't know who I am or what I want because what I poured myself into (school and this relationship, in a lot of ways) is over. And I know so many other people have it worse off, but its taken so much strength to remove myself from this with all of his tactics to keep me from sticking to my boundary. Because I want to be with him so I'm working against myself.
Its very frightening for me, transitions. My mom was very controlling and I had to walk on eggshells around my stepdad growing up so after I moved out I started to really live....but I still don't know what I want and that really scares me.
I feel like the life has been sucked out of me most of the time throughout that day. I don't want to really listen to music or be around friends sometimes because it makes me feel worse. My dad did help me by also saying last night, that this makes sense because I gave so much of myself to this and now its gone. So there is this sense of emptiness. I need to find healthy ways of feeling fulfilled.
Ugh and the thought of another relationship makes me want to vomit. And then of course I'm terrified I'll never love someone fully ever again.
Typical worries. I know. But I am heartbroken and I will heal. Hopefully soon!
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