rover

Some of you already know my story. Just wondering what it means when you can't get angry anymore and you feel nothing? Just an example; Friday night, my AH went to a friends house, I stopped over for a little and to pick up my children who were there with the other kids. ( 2 families that are friends) My AH drove seperate, as we always do. He stayed, I went home. He came home around 1am. Saturday I was with my 14 yr old at a basketball tournament most of the day. Came home around 2:30 and my kids gave me their birthday presents ( yes it was my b-day) AH had a card for me. We ordered pizza and then him and the kids went over to friends again. (AH asking if ok ) so alittle later, I went to hang out with the girls for alittle and get my kids. Came home around 10pm, AH stayed. Came home this time at 4:15AM. Usually my course of a weekend!!! Anyway, I don't even care. I used to get so mad at this and now I wish he would stay away. I actually feel dread when I hear him pull in. I just have no feelings or emotions anymore. I can look at him and actually feel disgusted. We don't have a romantic marriage or a close one at that. And I used to yearn for that and now I keep my distance. I kinda feel obligated somehow to even talk to him. It feels like we are roommates instead of partners. Can anyone tell me what stage of all this am I at?

Jadmack25

Close to the end of it, it seems to me. This is how I felt not very long before walking out.

Maybe you need to look hard at what you want, and what you getting, and if you can live without having the life you need, ok fine; if you can't go on missing out as you are, then it could be time to pull the rug out from under this non event marriage.

You will soon know where you are at, and where you need and want to be.

God bless

Tally

Can totally relate. I think it's completely normal to feel like that after so many years of expectations and disappointments, you kinda become numb to it and learn to appreciate having what I called "normal time", i.e. time without the A.

Thumper

I agree with Jadmack totally and will add that I stayed a long time after this. It isn't good to continue on like that. I should have gone to counseling. I ended up kind of becoming numb to everything. It is hard to shut down emotions in one area long term and not just shut down in lots of areas. I'll also say the resentment continued to grow, even if I tried to ignore it, an that can eat a person alive.

rover

I am actually getting to the end????????????? I thought I would never get there. My only problem is if I leave, I am not sure how I will feel. Lonely, missing him, wondering????

Summerpeach

It's call Apathy or Indifference

in·dif·fer·ence   /ɪnˈdɪfərəns, -ˈdɪfrəns/ Show Spelled[in-dif-er-uhns, -dif-ruhns] Show IPA
–noun
1.lack of interest or concern: We were shocked by their indifference toward poverty.
2.unimportance; little or no concern: Whether or not to attend the party is a matter of indifference to him.
3.the quality or condition of being indifferent.
4.mediocre quality; mediocrity

It's a survival mechasim.

Tally

I don't miss him, I miss the idea of him, and I'm unfortunate enough to still share a home with him for the time being.

You probably will feel lonely, it doesn't matter what extremes you live with, you become used to it and so any change is likely to spark responses.

It's an evil trick the mind plays on us, when they're gone, no longer "ours", we suddenly remember all the good times and the bad become "not so bad". I suppose I'm quite lucky in a way to have to still share a home, I get to see the crap I don't have to deal with, it makes missing "the dream" easier, seeing the reality.

Write a list of what you would miss and what you wouldn't miss. In the end I had 2 things on my "would miss" list and an endless list of wouldn't miss. The two I would miss I could get from ANYONE - sense of humour and company....anyone has those things.

atalose

For me, I stayed because the devil I knew seemed better then the devil I didn't – the future! I feared it all, I consumed myself with the what if's, how will I. It all seemed insurmountable so I settled for a long time remaining with the devil I knew.

I began to change, began to create MY LIFE apart from him by getting busy with my own life rather then revolve it around him and his moods of the moment.

I got a job, made new friends which helped my low self esteem along. I became emotionally stronger, I was preparing for my own survival – alone.

By the time I announced I was leaving, I was actually truly ready to do so.

justsomegirl

I feel like I am nearing this stage as well. I feel this same way with random days thrown in there that I think things will turn out for us. Then reality sets in and I realize that likely it won't.

PrettyinPink

This reminds me so much of myself. The scary part is that I've been living this way for a few years now.

I'm so scared of rocking the boat and losing whatever bit of stability I do have... or the illusion of that, I guess. :/

rover

I think that's it, the stability, but if you really look at things, are they actually stable? Do you know what each day will bring? I am trying to start working on ME, I know it's gonna be hard and take time but I think if I can hang in there till May when AH will be going to jail for 2nd DUI and stay here till he gets out that by then I will be all ready to make the big step!!!! Atleast that is what am I hoping.

RollTide

Good for you, Rover. That sounds like a PLAN!

ItsmeAlice

I hit that point of detachment from my XABF while living with him also. I had to work at having compassion for him suffering through his addiction, but I no longer felt an emotional or love attachment to him.

My inability to move out on my own was financial, and I had very real fears about being able to make it on my own still early on in a recent career change. I set a plan to leave my XABF in Nov of 2009 (six months or so away). It would give me time to get money saved up, have some tenure in my current job, and a chance to leave under his radar as he was going to be out of town for work. I was biding my time.

It wasn't long, though, before my timline got bumped up dramatically when he lost his job and our hosing with it. I felt like my higher power pushed me in the pool. I had to make my decision then and there to move on without him. He protested in many ways, but I was relieved when that same emotional detachment I had remained. I was stressed over the circumstances but I wasn't burdened with big guilt, loss, or sadness over leaving him. By that time, I had long since accepted it was over. It was what it was.

Hang in there. You are doing well!

Alice

MeHandle

I felt this was the stage where I finally realized he had abandoned the marriage and therefore I didn't have a partner. I didn't have a marriage. I didn't have a bound with him. I realized I didn't want to be married to him. I believed I didn't want the marriage anymore even if he quit and got help. ( however, I put divorce to the side as he made a slight attempt to quit) He is still drinking, we will be divorced soon. I know now it is over if he stopped tomorrow.

tjp613

Rover, hope you don't mine my saying so, but you sound depressed to me. Have you talked to your doctor? ((((Hugs)))) Been there.

posiesperson

Yes, rover, if you're anything like me, you will have feelings of missing your A...that's the reality. You will probably feel sad, you will grieve.

And, again if you're like me, you will find out what it's like to have freedom inside of yourself, around you in the home you create, and you will breathe more deeply.

I like what was said here about writing. I'm writing a list of the things I will NOT miss about my A. It's not to criticize, blame, etc., but instead to remind me of the other side of things because I tend to not remember those things--especially when I'm feeling sad or missing the connection I felt we shared. When I stay with the sad feelings for a while (because I don't want to run away from them or shove them away, only to resurface later in the form of anger) then I read over my list and I feel better...then I can see the relationship with a more balanced view.

I'm still working toward the finalization of what I'm going to do in my relationship, but I can see it, feel it, sense it. Making it happen with the finality it needs means I have to grieve and let go, and that's hard.

I keep remembering that when we open up to let something go, we're also open to welcome in the next thing. I intend for that to be something really wonderful, and I try to hang onto that belief in the difficult and painful moments.

Keep posting, I've found that it really helps. Oh, and happy birthday!!! :day2
posie

rover

Yes I am depressed. Ten years ago I had my life together, good job, friends, spent alot of time with family,etc. Now I look at myself and I think OMG, what have I let happen. I don't have a job, I am not happy, let go of my friends, and don't see family very often. I have let him ruin me and bring me down. I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!! Can't go to my doctor because we lst our insurance, thanks to AH. So I had to get other ins and only starts April 15. Jobs are not easy to find around here anymore and I have been looking, it seems like forever. Every day seems like a struggle.

Still Waters

It IS depressing how we lost ourselves, we allowed it to happen. Good news is, we can get ourselves back.

nodaybut2day

Like Alice, I had a timeline for moving out January 1st, 2010, but my Higher Power orchestrated things nicely for me and I ended up moving out October 31st, 2009, because I was afraid of the threats XAH dished out. It was for the best though, because "the end" had already come and gone and we were living like roommates who hated each other. XAH was *never* home, his son missed him a lot, and I was left to care for two children and to try to keep myself stable. We tried to avoid each other as much as possible and when we did see each other, XAH was super depessed and acted out.

See my thread about that:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ht-thread.html
Remind you of anything?

So it seems like you've reached "that point" and perhaps it's time to reflect on "what's next" for you.

Also, try to be gentle with yourself and remember that what happened over the course of the last 10 years needed to happen for you to come to this important turning point in your life. HP is leading you towards a major change, and as exhausted/depressed as you are now, I think you'll soon start to feel the excited of rebirth and renewal.

rover

I think one of the hardest things for me is, I fall into the trap. " You wanted me to cut back on drinking and stop being so angry". He has cut back alot and does not get nasty when drinking. He might drink 2 - 3 days a week. But when he is sober is when he is so miserable, snapping at the kids, the dogs, me of course. And you can't say anything to him because it makes it worse. I know there is still a problem, but he makes it as though everything is ok now. We are only intimate maybe 2 times a month and I'm not really interested in that. He still does the drinking and driving thing with a case of beer in vehicle. Why does he not think he still has a problem.