tjl

My husband of 3 years is a binge drinker. He's always been one but, like most women, I believed after we got married and had a child it would stop. Well, it didn't. It doesn't happen as often, but it still happens. Here's the scenario exactly how it happens everytime: He apologizes, gets depressed, cries and tells me he's going to stop drinking. He'll be good for a couple weeks & things will be great between us and I'll start to trust him again. One day he'll ask to go to a friend's house just to play video games for a few hours on a week night. I'll always tell him "No" b/c he always ends up going to the bars after the gaming ends when the other husbands go home. He then tells me he's been so good and needs to get out of the house and hang with the guys & promises me up & down that he will be home by 11 so he can get enough sleep & get up for work. Then, like clockwork, I wake up in a panic at 2 a.m. wondering where the hell he is. I call him over & over until I hear him trying to unlock the door. He smells like a brewery, I call him out, yell at him for drunk driving, he slurs his words, he sleeps in the basement & I try to go back to sleep (yeah right) before my alarm goes off at 3:45. Then, he calls in sick in the morning & I'm pissed again. This exact thing happens all the time, last night actually and as always, he's at home, not at work. At the moment we are not in the middle of a dryout period. He's drinking quite a bit. I know a big part of the problem is that I haven't stopped drinking. I like to have a few beers on the weekends and I know it just validates his behavior. We've tried just letting him drink with me but he always finds a way to go out on his own eventually. I've tried taking all the money/credit cards away from him but he finds a friend at a bar who will buy him drinks.
I get so jealous when I see couples out having a few drinks and going home. If we do go out, he keeps me out until bar time or it ends in a fight. I know I'm rambling but I'm trying to get it all out. My whole existance seems that I am always "reeling him in." I feel like all I do is try to convince him to stay home & he's always resisting. If he is home all he wants to do is lay in front of the T.V. and sleep, no matter what time it is. I'm left to care for our daughter & get the chores done. It's driving us apart. When things are good they're good but when they're bad...well you know. Since he's not a traditional alcoholic (hiding whiskey bottles) it's hard to tell him he needs help.
So, here I sit, angry. I'm sure I'll go home, he'll throw on the charm and I won't tell him how upset I am b/c I don't want to get in a fight, I'm too tired. I'm at a loss!
There's more but I can get into that later. Thanks for reading.

iwantcontrol

Hi, welcome to SR. I can relate a lot to your story, as I expect a lot of people on here can. You are not alone! I'm not as experienced as a lot of posters because I am still with my ABF and in the middle of dealing with things myself, but I know a lot of people will give you the advice that you need to focus on you and what you want, not on trying to control what he is doing. I know it is so hard to even hear that kind of advice right now because it sounds so impossible, but you really do need to try to take a step back from the situation and think about your own needs.

My ABF is also binge drinking lately but he often drinks a little (or a lot) every day too - it goes in cycles. At the moment he doesn't binge drink very often but when he does it gets bad between us and each time I'm finding it harder to accept the situation. I do tell him how I feel and he knows I'm not happy with things - I wouldn't be able to keep it bottled up. That just makes it worse for me.

I wish you good luck, and keep reading and posting on SR - it really does help. Even if you find you're not ready to start taking care of yourself, it helps to read other peoples stories and eventually you become ready to do something about it. Even small steps are important and can make a big difference. I am slowly getting there myself - some journies are quicker than others, but I've learnt that's OK.

tjl

Thank you for the kind response!
We're texting right now and he's really depressed and crying at home. We decided (again) that the drinking has to stop. I'm the key to this. I have to stop drinking as well. It's so hard b/c all of our friends drink socially. What the heck are we supposed to do on the weekends? I'm able to have a few drinks and go home but he can't....unless I drag him out of the bar kicking & screaming.
I'm going to try and convince him to get help today & hopefully we can get on track. When he's not drinking he's so productive & we have such a great time together! He's a wonderful father & husband. He just can't win when it comes to the bottle.
Hopefully this is the beginning of recovery (fingers crossed). I have to be strong!

wicked

Is this his idea of a traditional alcoholic? Or yours? I am a recovering alcoholic, and I drank only beer. Near the end, I was blacking out every other night. Still went to work everyday though, I was in the Army.

And it is not about what you drink, or how much you drink, or how much you hide.
It is about the effects alcohol has on your life. If alcohol is effecting his life (or yours) negatively, then maybe it is time for him to get some help. He has to believe that though, you cannot make him get well.

You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

Beth

LaTeeDa

You are absolutely NOT the key to this. If you want to stop drinking to support him, fine. But do not take on responsibility for his problem. His problem is his to deal with. Alcoholics are notorious for blaming others. Do not accept his blame.

L

stella27

This was my AH's pattern as well.

And honey, YOU are not the key to his recovery. he is the key to his recovery. As long as you agree to be the enforcer, the rule-maker, his main social outlet for drinking, his shoulder to cry on, he is running YOUR show.

Read on, my dear. And if you take nothing else away from this discussion, please hear this: Alcoholism is a progressive disease. So without HIM tackling HIS problem, his life will deteriorate.

Welcome. We all know your pain.

chicubs1

I was a lot like your husband and my wife thought all the same things. The only difference was on the days I didn't drink, I was a model husband, father, and all-american guy. But the 3-5 days a week I drank, watch out. I drank to get drunk. IMO, he needs to find his bottom. My wife, best friend, and a few other well intentioned friends and family members tried all sorts of tactics to get me to quit. Keeping me away from it didn't work. Ultimatums didn't work. Leaving me alone at the bar didn't work. My favorite local bar even tried to help. Nothing did. My bottom was waking up passed out in front of my son sitting quietly over me after blacking out following a nasty fight with my best friend and groping a couple of female friends did the trick. It was at that moment I realized I could lose everyone and everything I cared about and I needed to make a change. I quit cold turkey and haven't had a drink in 3 months and although it's still a struggle, I feel much better and have begun the process of repairing a lot of damaged relationships. It won't be easy on you or your husband, but it is worth the pain and far better than another daylong hangover.

wicked

:ghug3
3 months! Fantastic!
Beth

and yes, much much better than the hangovers and nearly everyday shame and self loathing. oh my, much better.

barb dwyer

hi tjl and welcome to SR!

we just kinda hit the ground runnin here, in case you haven't noticed.

I hope you'll digest the info you've received so far, and keep posting!

coffeedrinker

Sorry; don't know how to multi-quote!


First part of quote:

You are supposed to be his wife; you are an adult in a relationship with another adult. Does this kind of set-up strike you as weird?

Second:

This is typical in a relationship where one is an addict and the other one is not/wants the addict to cut it out. I think you may be finding that there is no success in doing this. Remember, you're his wife, not his mother.

Third:

What's really going on here is denial. He has a notion of what a "real" alcoholic is, and he really believes this on one level. He doesn't fit it, so he's not. What could be more simple, and wonderful than that formula? The sad truth is, you can't come up with anything in the world that will convince him of the truth; he needs to find it on his own - unfortunately.

coffeedrinker

It's entirely possible that he will have to find new friends. I think, and hope anyway, that you will come to revise your viewpoint about your own drinking. It is not mandatory that you quit drinking socially; however I believe it is to his detriment. That said, it truly does not sound as though he's ready to really tackle sobriety - I recall that he does not believe he is alcoholic.

The piece about you being able to have a couple of drinks and he not, unless you "drag him out..." sounds perfectly awful. You don't want to have to drag your husband out of a bar, and you shouldn't have to.

I, too, hope that this is the beginning of recovery for him. Of course he's wonderful when he's sober - you would not have loved him if he wasn't. Please, please keep coming to S/R Forum. Cracking this nut, and understanding it is a process, for sure. There are more truths to be revealed.

Jadmack25

I had the impression that an alcoholic, was a ragged old man with a bottle of booze in his pocket, wrapped in a brown paper bag.

My late XAH and I joined a homeless men's shelter as volunteers, and I saw that alcoholics were from every walk in life, some top class businessmen and women. To my horror I also realised that my own husband was one, and I cringed when I heard him lecturing one chap who had been drinking, when I had seen my AH downing half a cask of wine in the couple of hours before we went on duty.

He never believed he was an alcoholic, never sought help and watched our 27 years of marriage walk out the door, then drank himself into a nursing home and finally the release of death.

Until your husband takes full responsibility for HIS drinking, and stops relying on you to police him, it is a lost cause. You can turn sommersaults, yell, threaten, leave, bawl your eyes out and it will not change anything for him, except perhaps for a short while.

All you will have is what so many of us here copped, a miserable life and a marriage that is hitting the skids, while you become as sick in your own way as he is.

The only life you can change is your own, and that is as hard to manage as it is for him to turn his around.

God bless