Need Help Getting My Mother Off The Drink!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 2
Need Help Getting My Mother Off The Drink!
My mother has been drinking now for roughly twenty years and her situation only ever worsens.
As she gets older she comes up with more problems to worry about and more reasons to validate her drinking.
Since I moved out of home, the situation is no better for me as I am speaking to her on a daily basis with nearly every other day her being drunk.
I must point out my mum is not what you would call a heavy drinker but because she is on various drugs for her unrelated conditions, if she decides to have a bottle of wine of an afternoon, within a couple of glasses she is already gone and worse than your average drunk as the alcohol mixed with prescription drugs results in a zombie type state to the point where she will collapse somewhere.
She has already broken her leg because of this a couple of years ago. At that time she was unable to drink for 6 months which I thought might be a turning point as it gave her a drying out period.
However once able to drive again, and go to shops it was back to square one. She now also buys small bottles of spirits which she hides around the home to drink when she can't get out.
My mum and dads marriage is not a particularly happy one but then although my mum has had opportunities to leave it hasn't happened so I have accepted that it's pointless trying to change this unless she wants to.
My dad works outdoors and his work comes first and is quite happy working seven days a week and not going out.
Of course living in the country is quite isolating which I think contributes a lot to my mums drinking. Also to complicate matters I think my mum has issues from her childhood that she still has not resolved. Obviously in an ideal world she would be having councilling but it is an uphill struggle to get her to consider seeing anyone.
In all her years of drinking and all the arguments, she has not once admitted to me or herself that she has a problem. As far as she sees it she drinks
because of other people and problems and if these didn't exist she wouldn't need to drink.
I feel pretty helpless now living away from home as with my mum ringing me daily drunk it feels like groundhog day.
I do have older brothers but we are quite a disjointed family and it is hard involving other people as my dad for one is very private.
To anyone outside, my mum and dad would seem a very gentle country couple but since my mums drinking has recently worsened neighbours and friends do have an idea to some extent.
To give you an idea of how my mum thinks, my brother got married a few months ago. My mum spent the lead up to the wedding worrying about things especially travelling as since breaking her leg, she has constant pain due to the breaks not healing properly. As much as you try to reassure someone and make things as easy as possible I thought my mum would cope with it but on the wedding day I had a call from my dad early in the morning to say that my mum was flat out cold on her bedroom floor. I had to drive there, get my mum off the floor, get water down her and dress her from head to toe before getting her in the car and sobering her up so that she could stand for the wedding.
Fortunately it was later in the afternoon and no one there would have had much of an idea. It was one of the most stressful days I have ever had with my mum's drinking but is unfortunately not unusual.
My dad doesn't do anything as it has become the norm and his only way of dealing with something is having a blazing argument. I do sometimes think my mum would be better off in some sort of housing where there is a community and people to do stuff for her though I'm not sure how much of her drinking is due to her situation or whether it is purely now just an addiction.
I have been to see her GP so it is now on her records and I am going back with the hope that I can take her too. I want to try and make some kind of constructive plan but it is difficult to know where to start especially when the person is unwilling to even face up to the problem. I had also thought of maybe a rehab type setup as I think my mum would benefit from being taken out of her situation and looked after by professionals for a while.
I think she really needs a combination of councilling and also rehab to dry her out.
Has anyone had a similar experience or is currently having to deal with stuff like this?
I would appreciate any constructive advice or suggestions for how to go about dealing with this.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
As she gets older she comes up with more problems to worry about and more reasons to validate her drinking.
Since I moved out of home, the situation is no better for me as I am speaking to her on a daily basis with nearly every other day her being drunk.
I must point out my mum is not what you would call a heavy drinker but because she is on various drugs for her unrelated conditions, if she decides to have a bottle of wine of an afternoon, within a couple of glasses she is already gone and worse than your average drunk as the alcohol mixed with prescription drugs results in a zombie type state to the point where she will collapse somewhere.
She has already broken her leg because of this a couple of years ago. At that time she was unable to drink for 6 months which I thought might be a turning point as it gave her a drying out period.
However once able to drive again, and go to shops it was back to square one. She now also buys small bottles of spirits which she hides around the home to drink when she can't get out.
My mum and dads marriage is not a particularly happy one but then although my mum has had opportunities to leave it hasn't happened so I have accepted that it's pointless trying to change this unless she wants to.
My dad works outdoors and his work comes first and is quite happy working seven days a week and not going out.
Of course living in the country is quite isolating which I think contributes a lot to my mums drinking. Also to complicate matters I think my mum has issues from her childhood that she still has not resolved. Obviously in an ideal world she would be having councilling but it is an uphill struggle to get her to consider seeing anyone.
In all her years of drinking and all the arguments, she has not once admitted to me or herself that she has a problem. As far as she sees it she drinks
because of other people and problems and if these didn't exist she wouldn't need to drink.
I feel pretty helpless now living away from home as with my mum ringing me daily drunk it feels like groundhog day.
I do have older brothers but we are quite a disjointed family and it is hard involving other people as my dad for one is very private.
To anyone outside, my mum and dad would seem a very gentle country couple but since my mums drinking has recently worsened neighbours and friends do have an idea to some extent.
To give you an idea of how my mum thinks, my brother got married a few months ago. My mum spent the lead up to the wedding worrying about things especially travelling as since breaking her leg, she has constant pain due to the breaks not healing properly. As much as you try to reassure someone and make things as easy as possible I thought my mum would cope with it but on the wedding day I had a call from my dad early in the morning to say that my mum was flat out cold on her bedroom floor. I had to drive there, get my mum off the floor, get water down her and dress her from head to toe before getting her in the car and sobering her up so that she could stand for the wedding.
Fortunately it was later in the afternoon and no one there would have had much of an idea. It was one of the most stressful days I have ever had with my mum's drinking but is unfortunately not unusual.
My dad doesn't do anything as it has become the norm and his only way of dealing with something is having a blazing argument. I do sometimes think my mum would be better off in some sort of housing where there is a community and people to do stuff for her though I'm not sure how much of her drinking is due to her situation or whether it is purely now just an addiction.
I have been to see her GP so it is now on her records and I am going back with the hope that I can take her too. I want to try and make some kind of constructive plan but it is difficult to know where to start especially when the person is unwilling to even face up to the problem. I had also thought of maybe a rehab type setup as I think my mum would benefit from being taken out of her situation and looked after by professionals for a while.
I think she really needs a combination of councilling and also rehab to dry her out.
Has anyone had a similar experience or is currently having to deal with stuff like this?
I would appreciate any constructive advice or suggestions for how to go about dealing with this.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the Sober Recovery family!
It sounds (reads) as if you want to orchestrate an intervention for your mother. You will need the cooperation of her physician, husband and a rehab facility/facilitator. Interventions are not always successful. If the alcoholic is not ready to quit, they pick it right back up after being released.
Your mother is an alcoholic. I am a recovering alcoholic myself. I am also the expartner of an active alcoholic. I had health problems and depression that was directly linked to my alcoholism. Alcohol is a depressant.
I got sober when I was sick and tired of looking for life's answers in the bottom of a bottle. My partner did not get sober when I did. I wanted to show my partner the way to a better life. I wanted to help them recover from addiction. I wanted to fix it. I was making myself crazier in the process. I took myself to Alanon meetings. I think the support I received there and here at SR saved my serenity.
One of the things I learned was the three C's of Addiction:
I did not cause it
I can not control it
I will not cure it
The only person that can control or cure your mother's alcoholism is her.
It sounds (reads) as if you want to orchestrate an intervention for your mother. You will need the cooperation of her physician, husband and a rehab facility/facilitator. Interventions are not always successful. If the alcoholic is not ready to quit, they pick it right back up after being released.
Your mother is an alcoholic. I am a recovering alcoholic myself. I am also the expartner of an active alcoholic. I had health problems and depression that was directly linked to my alcoholism. Alcohol is a depressant.
I got sober when I was sick and tired of looking for life's answers in the bottom of a bottle. My partner did not get sober when I did. I wanted to show my partner the way to a better life. I wanted to help them recover from addiction. I wanted to fix it. I was making myself crazier in the process. I took myself to Alanon meetings. I think the support I received there and here at SR saved my serenity.
One of the things I learned was the three C's of Addiction:
I did not cause it
I can not control it
I will not cure it
The only person that can control or cure your mother's alcoholism is her.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 2
thank u
Thank u for your reply Pelican, alot of what u said really related to me and what u said about trying to help your ex partner recover reminds me of how crazy my mum and her drinking behaviour makes me. Sometimes it feels like I own her problem more than what she does. I think so much of her drinking is down to her anxious disposition, only today she has talked herself out of going to a social activity with a friend.
Regarding intervention, I cant see that being possible or productive, as my mum is such a nervous person that even the thought of it happening would send her over the edge.
I have spoken to her doctor about what pathways to take for her, and he's as helpful as he can be. She was prescribed anti depressents for a few months, but they r useless if your drinking with them. As you say.. drink is a depressant.
Well done for quitting, having only been an observer I can still see the strenght and determination someone would need to change. I think its terrible what drink can do to someone and people around them.
How did u go about getting sober, was it through groups, or councelling or therapy?
Regarding intervention, I cant see that being possible or productive, as my mum is such a nervous person that even the thought of it happening would send her over the edge.
I have spoken to her doctor about what pathways to take for her, and he's as helpful as he can be. She was prescribed anti depressents for a few months, but they r useless if your drinking with them. As you say.. drink is a depressant.
Well done for quitting, having only been an observer I can still see the strenght and determination someone would need to change. I think its terrible what drink can do to someone and people around them.
How did u go about getting sober, was it through groups, or councelling or therapy?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
It must be tough seeing your Mum go through this. It's bad enough when it's a partner but to have a parent or child go through addiction I can only imagine how hard it must be.
The sad thing is that there is NOTHING you can do to stop your Mum drinking. You could do an intervention but that will only help if SHE chooses to accept the help.
When I spent all my time trying to make my alcoholic partner well I nearly drove myself insane. I took on his responsibilities, covered up and lied for him so people wouldn't find out he was drunk or drinking, wiped up vomit, made strong coffee, put him to bed....All I was doing was making it easier for him to drink.
It's called enabling. It sounds like this is what you are doing for your Mum. By rescuing her you're not allowing her to feel the consequences of her actions. For example on the wedding day, you "had to drive there, sober her up etc.. Why did you "have" to?
Many alcoholics found the only way they wanted to stop was when they reached their bottom. By "helping" your Mum, you're stopping her from reaching her bottom and you're letting her drag you down too.
It does sound very harsh I know. It's natural to want to help someone when we see them in trouble, but not to the detriment of ourselves.
The sad thing is that there is NOTHING you can do to stop your Mum drinking. You could do an intervention but that will only help if SHE chooses to accept the help.
When I spent all my time trying to make my alcoholic partner well I nearly drove myself insane. I took on his responsibilities, covered up and lied for him so people wouldn't find out he was drunk or drinking, wiped up vomit, made strong coffee, put him to bed....All I was doing was making it easier for him to drink.
It's called enabling. It sounds like this is what you are doing for your Mum. By rescuing her you're not allowing her to feel the consequences of her actions. For example on the wedding day, you "had to drive there, sober her up etc.. Why did you "have" to?
Many alcoholics found the only way they wanted to stop was when they reached their bottom. By "helping" your Mum, you're stopping her from reaching her bottom and you're letting her drag you down too.
It does sound very harsh I know. It's natural to want to help someone when we see them in trouble, but not to the detriment of ourselves.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by davidjunior 
How did u go about getting sober, was it through groups, or councelling or therapy?
I got a call telling me that someone I know and worked with was in the hospital with cirrhosis of the liver.
This person was my age, gender and body type. We both drank vodka on a regular basis.
Turns out the hospitalized friend was diagnosed with cirrhosis 6 years prior. Got sober and was doing great until the call to alcohol was more than she could resist. While in the hospital and the color of ripe squash, she was asked if she wanted a buddy to go with her to AA? Her reply was: I'm not ready for AA. I'll only go to AA if they make me as a prerequisite for a liver transplant. Holy Denial!
I started doing research on cirrhosis of the liver and stumbled across this website. I joined SR as a recovering alcoholic. I needed facts to fuel my sobriety. I researched and read, read, read. Books like "Under The Influence" really helped me get my head on the same page as my heart concerning addiction to alcohol.
I did not choose AA as a support group in the beginning of my recovery. I am supportive of AA as a tool for recovery and sometimes attend open AA meetings. There are many tools for recovery as an alcoholic and as a loved one to an alcoholic. I have found that I need to keep my tool belt handy for personal growth, personal relationships and business relationships.
Life gets better in recovery!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by davidjunior
Sometimes it feels like I own her problem more than what she does.
It always touches me deeply to read someone's anguish over a parent who's an active alcoholic.
My father lost both of his parents within a year of each other to alcohol-related deaths. He was still in high school and had to raise two brothers on his own. He very seldom speaks of it.
My oldest daughter (now 32 and an active alcoholic/addict) was 8 years old when I first got clean/sober, and my 21 year old has only known me in recovery.
I am so incredibly grateful for the gift of sobriety and all the blessings it has brought to my life.
Can you possibly get your hands on a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie? It's an excellent starter book.
I hope you continue to post, and know that you are among friends!
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