Duped

If our A's or ex A's like to talk so much trash about us, and they feel we are so horrible and treating them so poorly, I have just one question.....


Why on earth do they even want to be with us then?

Don't they see their failed logic?

If I was with someone half as bad as my exAGF makes me out to be, I know I wouldn't want to be with that person....

It's truly astonishing.

Hadassah

How true, my soon to be xah just loves to talk about our problems to one and all, and tell how horrible I am. I guess I made it bad enough around here, he finally left. G:*******:

Duped

Tell me about it. All those horrible things I did like, cook, pay the rent and worry about her health. Shame on me.

lulu1974

Yes I am awful. I gave him a house, went to every lawyer appt and made sure he didnt go to jail (which nowadays I regret that), went to his rehab stuff, went to his AA mtgs with him. Made us financially stable. Took care of myself.
But remember, I made him drink. He said I was crazy and at that point I didnt disagree. After everything I did go a bit crazy. He told me I needed to get myself committed.
Without him though..I have a couple bad days here and there but pretty good and not crazy at all.

keithj

Perhaps on this particular forum, the more pertinent question is "Why on earth do you even want to be with them then?"

Kittyboo

You know how my XA described his ex to me?...

-violent
-cheater, multiple times
-drinker
-partier
-would hit him
-would yell at him and make him feel worthless
-"evil"

And you know what.....he went back to her. When he went back to her she suddenly became...

-special
-I can't live without her
-I was the one who abandoned her

They will come up with everything under the sun to rationalize their current actions. You know why they want to be with you or anyone else for that matter...because they KNOW what they say is bs. IMHO.

posiesperson

Agreed, Kittyboo--whatever justifies the actions of the moment seems to work for my A. I've been feeling angry today about exactly this, so thanks for the thread, Duped. I was thinking about the most recent ex before me, how there was so much complaining about her, the pain in that relationship, how my A said it set the stage for for drinking uncontrollably, and set up the affair which subsequently happened (cheating on the ex "because she was unavailable to me", and then after that relationship ended having an affair with someone who was married)...blah, blah, blah.

However, I found that while thinking about all of that, including the enmeshment with family (who support the drinking behaviors) and getting angry about all the f****ed up dynamics in our relationship I found myself in the midst of such inner turmoil and pain that I had to STOP. And then I realized I couldn't, so in desperation I appealed to my HP and said, "Help me". Whew. I felt better immediately.

I can't get into my A's head, and it's sooooooooo dangerous for me to try...it's totally self-destructive. Yuck. Hope I don't go there tomorrow, it's definitely akin to a "bad neighborhood" for me!

Shaking my head,
posie

Still Waters

I don't.

I think, at least in my case, that my AH uses whatever methods at hand to try and continue to control me. For instance, he emailed a friend asking for my address because he was "tired of her creditors bothering me and she didn't bother to leave a forwarding address".

When that didn't work, it was "she's a danger to herself and the child with her alcoholic thinking and I want to help her get into rehab". God I love how they adopt the rehab jargon to bludgeon us with :/

He finally tracked me down and took my vehicle in the middle of the night, leaving me stranded.

Didn't bother to contact me of course, or inform all my "creditors" since I'm not getting any creditor mail here Nor did he attempt to drag me off to rehab.

Manipulation, lies, and more manipulation and lies.

ItsmeAlice

There were times when my XABF declared all the terrible things he thought of me. He never did have an answer for me when I asked why he stayed with someone so unloveable.

In time, I understood that he did not truly believe those things about me, which is why he would never leave of his own accord.

He said those things to justify his behavior.

He said those things in the off chance I believed it and chose to stay thinking noone else would have me.

It worked for many many years.

When I turned the focus from his justifcations and manipulations to me and my well being I figured out the truth, the real truth, about me, what he said no longer mattered. It didn't matter who he told, how loud he told it, how evil it was....it just didn't matter to me. He lost his power, and I gained mine back.

Best to you,
Alice

Duped

Indeed, which is why I fled.

Everyday for me has felt.....well, it gave me, and still does, to some extent, the feeling I remember I had back in school when I was on my way to class and knew I had to deal with the dread of the schoolyard bully on a daily basis.

That is the uneasiness that I have to overcome on a daily basis. Not so much now since I went mostly no contact. It's just my exagf is exactly that - a bully.

I have a general dread about her because of the way she trashes me. She did the same to her ex husband as well. Now I am the target. She makes up such outlandish stuff that I fear her. There's no level she won't stoop to. My lawyer calls her unscrupulous.

lulu1974

I have to admit my STBXAH says this of me and I am not sure what to think. I dont drink but my control issues being a codie translates as me bullying to him. And I admit..I have trashed him on several occasions when I was in my nutty stage. I too have been accused of making stuff up but I havent. Its so weird how he thinks this way of me when I have never been caught in a lie in 10 years. Sometimes I need a reality check myself because I cant make heads or tails out of what is happening. One day I hope to have clearer thinking but your post really jumped out at me. Thanks

Duped

He is turning it around on you. It's their most common ploy. Mine has basically accused me of everything she is guilty of at one time or another.

Hey, I've said stuff about my ex, the problem is, it's not made up, they are facts. The facts being, she's been to rehab for drugs and alcohol and continues in fake recovery and uses that fake recovery to further manipulate people.

I'm starting to think that a lot of folks here are the yin to the alkie's yang. Most of us codies are decent, stable hard working people, and most of us get trashed relentlessly by our A's.

They simply cannot rise to our level so the only way for them is to chop us down.

I have been criticising my A's drinking habits on and of since Sept, until I gave up. Really, because if I do bring up her drinking, she says that I am exaggerating things, and that I am making up horrible things about her which aren't true and that she doesn't deserve such treatment.

So really what can you do but give up? I know I have seen her sloshed around my daughter. I know I have been on the phone and heard her sloshed. These are facts.

But she becomes such an aggressor and a bully when the topic turns to this issue that you simply cannot bring it up. She nixes any and all reasonable discussion about this very important topic. So basically, that's it. It's done.

I helped this person so much and now I essentially fear her.

Summerpeach

My ex and current boyfriend never had a bad word to say about their ex's or me.
I would be the one to say crap about them when things didn't go my way
My bad!

Freedom1990

To expect an illogical, irrational person to act rationally and logically is a source of great frustration and resentment, no?

Denoraphy

This is how it happened with me too. I got so tired of him telling me all the aweful things that I supposed do, I finally asked him one day why he stays with me. He was speechless. I then followed up with, 'Well, I am filing for divorce because I deserve to be with someone who speaks of me with love and respect.'

Duped

It's very funny, because your words are exactly what my ex used to say......whenever I brought up her drinking, which was the only point of contention in our relationship ever.

posiesperson

This is an important thread for me to read. I can remember asking my A to "speak lovingly of me, even when you have an issue with me--that's what I do for you." Oh, there were apologies about not having done that, one of those "enlightened moments" I grew to live for, to depend upon to discredit my growing fear that this relationship was as good as doomed.

I was in SUCH pain at one point in time, hearing my A recount what had been said to family and friends about me. There were the moments when I was told so-and-so understood why I was responding the way I was, and those stories would bring tears to my eyes, to think that someone close to my A could see me in the equation...but for the most part it was my "controlling, judgmental, black-and-white thinking" that was accused of causing the trouble in the relationship.

Ugh, such a pit in my stomach as I type this. I ended up feeling like Gumby, pulled in every direction because I couldn't find my own self in the midst of the chaos.

Duped said, "I'm starting to think that a lot of folks here are the yin to the alkie's yang. Most of us codies are decent, stable hard working people, and most of us get trashed relentlessly by our A's. They simply cannot rise to our level so the only way for them is to chop us down." I agree wholeheartedly.

I also asked why my A bothered to stay with me...the response was "I don't know." Followed up by, "I deserve to be with someone who loves me for who I am, because I'm good person."

I agree. And good luck to the next one.

Gawd, I'm so grateful for you folks,
posie

cinderellawkids

Mine would say awful things, say I was mean and that he was sucha nice guy....hmmm I didnt realize he worked while I stole everything from the house....oops I forget material things arent supposed to count.

Sometimes my AH would be honest and say I said those things to get a reaction, to hurt you ect.

In the end it was back to I lied, he only drank when with me (living with me, not around me) and he swore up and down he didnt use drugs I was just money greedy.

Funny he usually talked good about his ex wife, but had on a few occassions said she was psychotic depressed possessive, hurt herself ect. Later, he accused me of being just like her? hmmm makes one wonder since in the beginning we were both referred to as sweet.

In reality they often treat us they way they feel about them selves. If they feel humilitated they try to humiliate us. They project all their feelings for themselves on to us in attempt to momentarily feel better

Duped

Indeed. Good luck to the next person, that person is going to need it.

Mine says the same stuff, "I deserve to be happy and with someone who treats me well.....blah blah blah". (Again, always said whenever I criticised her drinking, never any other time).

Let me translate for you.

"I deserve to be with someone who loves me for who I am, because I'm a good person."

Really means:

"I need someone who will continue to fall for my lies, manipulation and deceit. Someone who will enable my alcoholic ass to keep doing the crazy sh*t I keep doing and not question me, but accept said behaviour as a minor character flaw and nothing more."


Mine too is always fond of saying how our respective morals are similar......yeah.....right.

I always laughed as well, when she would say how I was 'hurting her chances at recovery'.......um, you aren't in recovery sweetheart, you are still drinking and smoking grass......

So I played into her lies of course....I replied, "Well, I don't want to hurt your 'recovery' so it's best we stop being together."

I further humoured her by saying, "You're right, you need someone who will treat you properly, which is why I am leaving you."

She couldn't really argue about those things lest she reveal herself to be the liar that she was......and so, here I am, almost a year on, not doing great, but a helluva lot better, and thanking God that I am no longer in love with this person.

lulu1974

I sometimes wish I can just show his family and the A these posts because what you wrote above is literally word for word as to what happened in our marriage..He went from saying it was him to now blaming me for the drinking and how mean and viscious I am.