Thumper

Good for you. One step forward!

There is some punishment awaiting the louses that use their children like that. My xah did some of that (probably still does, I don't know what he tells them) and I was honestly shocked. I was not surprised he used them as threats when speaking with me but I did not think he would speak to them directly. He did. It really drove home how self-centered, self-pitying, self-consumed, I can't even think of a word bad enough, active alcoholics are. Any respect or sympathy I may have had for him evaporated in an instant. I knew there was no turning back after that.

Duped

Yes, they essentially drive you from their lives with that behaviour, then they wonder why you are gone. Then, of course, they simply blame you and say you are the crazy one to avoid taking any responsibility for their own destructiveness.

I mean, what options do you have? It got to the point with me where the blame, twisting of facts were bad enough. But once the emotional blackmail involving the child started.....ugh. That is a power play and all about control, pure and simple. She even uses her nephew and young cousins against me as well - by telling them lies and then having them attack me based on those untruths.

Then if you call them on their behaviour, they say you are making things up or imagining things. So you are essentially hamstrung when dealing with them. And it could be for the most mundane thing, too.

You get to the point that you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. So if you do stay, you must accept complete and utter domination and control over you from your A. Not really a good deal, is it?

transformyself

You know, you sound remarkably like an old friend of ours, Ives, who disappeared about the same time you signed on.

I hope you can find a way to focus on yourself. That's the only way out of this pain and rage.

Linkmeister

These words could have been written by me and I am at the point now where I have finally accepted the truth about ABF - no matter what he says to me or about me - it just does not matter any more. It's the old adage of "Sticks and Stones."

It's taken me quite a while to come to this point, to accept that he will never change, that he has no interest in recovery and that's for him to deal with, not me. I know now that I don't want to live my life like that and in taking my life back, his power and control over me get weaker as each day moves on.

For a very long time, I bought into his control, his manipulation, his belief that my issues needed to be worked on, that I was the sick one. I believed all of it and became just as toxic as him until the day I found SR, went to Al-Anon and started to read the Co-Dependent books.

I learned about detachment, boundaries and the 12 Steps and slowly started to regain myself and realize that I have choices in my life, that I was not alone and was definitely not the sick one. When he would go on about all of the things that were "wrong" with me, I also posed the question to him, wondering why he would stay with somebody so messed up, so unlovable.....no answer from him.

It's been quite a journey for me - albeit, a shorter one than some who post here but nonetheless, full of pain, full of crisis, but each step has brought me to the point where I am no longer afraid to live without him. It's been a journey of discovery for me as I look back on my life-my marriage to another toxic (non-alcoholic) person and realize why I ended up where I did, why I made the choices I did.

As it stands, I am living at my own place after a nasty incident with ABF late last summer and that has been my salvation and his downfall as I was not right on hand anymore to be manipulated and controlled.

I found out I have choices-I don't have to answer the phone when he calls-each call lately has been full of arguments, justifications and reasons why he chooses not to continue with recovery-at this point, he may have fully relapsed yet again, but for me, I can look at it all from a distance this time - I don't have to buy into the chaos. The begging and pleading calls, the threats, the belittling, the name calling, the whole nine yards - I don't have to be a part of that.

For me, it's a beginning-spreading my wings slowly. I moved cross country to be with him and I have no regrets. I'm not alone and I honestly like where I am living. I've made some great friends in Al-Anon, started to meet neighbours while I walk my dog, it feels good to talk to people, to interact and not be suspicious or fearful.

As I do this, ABF goes more into his cocoon-isolating, shunning 12 Step programs such as AA, shunning everybody because he still thinks he has all of the answers.

Haven't heard from him since Thursday. A few days prior to that, the stress of work and life was getting to him (again) and there's a good possibility he may have relapsed. Before, I would have been all over that, calling, checking up on him, taking the blame for everything, being disrespected,controlled, manipulated.

It's Saturday morning and I have no desire to pick up the phone. I have an Al-anon meeting this morning and fellowship with them after the meeting. I've taken a service position with my homegroup and it feels good. I feel good. that's all that matters.

transformyself

There it is. This is what I've looked for my whole life. I just want to be happy.

And after working so hard to control others, after all that, it boils down to the simple formula of having the courage to change the things I can (myself), and accepting the things I can't.

hmbld

It's a great place to be isn't it? It is amazing how your life changes when you stop giving them power over you.

It used to make me insane when my XAH would say stuff about me and how horrible I was. I was like "how dare you!" It would infuriate me that he would go sing the blues to anyone who would listen as far as how mean I was to him or how I didn't care or understand him and such. I felt so insulted.

Now he could put a ten foot billboard up trashing me and it wouldn't even phase me. Not in the least. Funny thing is, he rarely trashes me to anyone anymore, and I think it's because it doesn't get the end result that it used to, which was me in stress and turmoil.

Life is good when you stop worrying about what other's say or think and simply focus on living your own life.

Linkmeister

My now (as of about three hours ago) XABF wanted clarity as he always does when I try to talk rationally to him about how he disrespects me - I gave him the clarity he wanted and ended the relationship. There's sadness yes, but a great wave of relief has come over me as I can walk normally and not hear the crunching of eggshells under my feet.

Emptywallet

This whole thread is amazing....all day today I've been getting verbally abused by my wife. She's just out of rehab 4 days ago and already wanting me to get her booze...even though she had shots that prevent drugs/alcohol from giving any effects! The reason: I didn't change my weekend visitation with my 7yr old and she's too soon out of rehab and can't handle dealing with her. The main reason is that Thur evening she wanted me to change it. I didn't because for the last 18 months I've changed/rescheduled/cancelled visits to include not getting her for the summer because of her addictions. I'm in danger of losing visitation rights because of this. I even shortened the visits twice while she was gone so I could drive 650 miles round trip on Sundays with our 2yr old for her 2hr weekly visit. Both my psychologist and the program coordinator told me not to cancel/reschedule; that she has to learn to deal with her issues with my child, which really stem from my XW. Sorry for this long post but it struck such a chord; I really appreciate what you started, Duped.

Still Waters

Hello Emptywallet, welcome to SR

You don't deserve to be verbally abused, and your child/ren don't need to be around that either. I'm sorry this is going on in your life right now.

steve11694

The alcoholics brain is "picled".

One of the lovely things they do is "paranoid demonization" = the best defense is a strong offense (in their mind)

Duped

Paranoid demonization. That's an apt term. I have a lot of good people in my life, a lot of old friends, some I've known 20+ years. I come from a wonderful family, my mother and sister are my lifeblood. They know who I am and what I am about, so it really doesn't matter what my exagf says. It's sad, I want her to be more rational but I can do nothing about it, it's a tough quandary.