Duped

Yep, Yep, Yep!

Mine would do the projection thing like crazy.

I admit I pray for her daily but do not see any change in her. Which ironically, is what she complained about me when she realised I wasn't putting up with her crap anymore.

I fear for her future. I truly have no hope of her beating alcoholism. Something like 25% beat it.

They spew their self hatred all over us. I wonder whom she's spewing her self hatred on now between our bi-weekly contact. She's going to need someone else soon, because I think she'll explode if she doesn't get the outlet.

Currently mine is trying to actively run my mother and sister out of my daughter's life too. Because her addiction can't survive around normal people very long. My exAGF pushed away all my friends - fine, decent people with families. Instead, her old cocaine and boozer friends are now slowly reasserting their presence in her life. Scary.

I really wish I could say, like many here, that there is a good side to their A.......because I'm really struggling to find one in mine, which hurts.

Satya

My ex has said, many times: "Will you be ok with it if I go through recovery and still decide I don't wan to be with you?"

That always got me hooked for some reason, but I finally came up with the smartest, most honest answer: "I can't answer that; I'll only know when it happens."


His most persistent line has been: "Will you still love me if I am a f*** up?"

I finally answered: "Maybe, but that doesn't mean I will just tolerate anything or choose to be with you at all costs."

FindingPeace1

Hey, duped -
I am going to be a bit hard hitting, so stop now, if you want to disregard!
Through your various posts, I feel your simmering resentment or bitterness about your partner (and I feel that, undoubtedly, because I have my own resentment, so I am familiar with it!).
Have you done any counseling/journaling/grief work?
It might help ease the anger and disappointment.

Hugs,
w

Thumper

That is interesting.

I have left all four of my boys, all at once, with their dad overnight one time since I filed for divorce. It was the night before I moved and I needed to pack everything up. I knew he would not agree to that so I was a little sneaky - which I'm sure he figure out after the fact and it made him mad. About two hours before I went to pick them up I called and said they would need to stay. I asked on the phone like 4 times if he needed anything - if I needed to bring anything over (food/blankets/toys/etc). He had two answers each time. First he'd say no, then he'd ask me to bring him a beer. I did drop off a bag with clothes, pj's, their stuffed animals etc. but no beer :wtf2 and nothing else because he didn't ask for anything else.

He calls me about 4 times. I finally did quit answering the phone even though I hate to do that when I know the kids are over there. He went on and on about how I have no mothering instinct, how I wasn't concerned at all about my kids, I'd just leave them there, I'm not who he thought I was, I fool everyone, I'm rotten to the core, I'm having an affair, I'm a terrible mother, I didn't care that they didn't have what they needed, two of them had to share a pillow (the horror), I'm so callous, and on and on and ON.

I have no mothering instinct but all he can think of when asked what he needs is beer.

It was almost funny it was so terrible. They probably heard every damn word of his ranting too

The worst thing is if I had brought over a case of beer I probably wouldn't have heard a word.

And this is a man that not 6 months before could not say enough things about how his wife was one in a million - he was such a lucky man, blah blah blah.

His luck ran out and his wife wised up and got fed up.

Still Waters

In the end, it doesn't matter. Let this all be a lesson to us, what to look for, the red flags, how we don't allow ourselves to be treated.

If we learn and grow, then it's positive motion.

Duped

You are spot on the money, I am struggling with it daily and I'm not propud of myself for my failure in that regard. Going to church, counselor....I think my own mother's own bitterness about this is really affecting me to be honest.

Nope, can't disagree with you fopr one minute, I am bitter and angry and it's affecting my life.

lulu1974

Me too duped..sometimes it gets easier so i figure if i keep working the steps and counseling and my faith hopefully one day i will be past it.

Duped

I used to think my faith could pass any test. I was raised Christian. I can assure you my faith, and my faith in myself, is being extremely tested now. Mostly my faith in myself. This is the struggle for my very life and most days I feel that I am losing.

I hate that I am like this now. I hate what I have become. I hate that I am a codependant, but then I have seen my pattern. I have been like this for a long, long time. The difference is, now I can actually see it in the light of day. I see my failings. And now I am in the dance. I am blaming my A for my shortcomings. Am I any better than her?

I wonder. My postings here are probably self flagellating, or have I entered that dance with the alcoholic in my life, that dance of blame reversal.


I am sick. I have to blame myself now instead of my A. I let this happen.

lulu1974

[QUOTE=Duped
I am sick. I have to blame myself now instead of my A. I let this happen.[/QUOTE]
I know. I really do...But I like to think that the A never asked for this disease and I never asked for the effects of the disease. it just happened. I often wonder if i was normal would i have gone near him in the first place or was i just trying too make my marriage work? The truth is..i saw some of the reed flags and i ignored them and wow...10 years later i remember those exact moments and wish I can tell myself to run the other way...
Today is a bad day for me...I wish i could be like the stars and take a month long vacation and get better but i have to go to work and when i get stressed I get triggered..i need to pray more. my faith is strong..I believe this is happening to prevent something worse in the future..i just want to heal and get over it..I would to be like some of the folks here that seem so happy!!

Still Waters

Duped - it's time to start forgiving yourself and making headway on your own recovery. You can't fix or change her, but you can fix and change yourself.

Jadmack25

You being sick is NOT your fault and not blameworthy, nor is your AW at fault or to be blamed for her addictive sickness.

The choices you both have regarding those illnesses are the important points. Do you deny there is anything wrong with YOU, or if there is, then it is all THEIR fault, whinge and whine and go thru the "poor me" scenario, or choose to seek help to fight it?

From your posts, I feel that you have been exhausted by your AW's constant blame of anything and anyone, (especially you) for her sickness. Of course you are feeling down and battered after this never ending whittling away at your peace of mind and emotional esteem.

Look what the river did to it's small bed, and after wearing away, ended up as the Grand Canyon.

Unless a miracle of healing causes your AW to stop and really get into recovery, you will have to take steps to distance yourself from her venom and put downs.

My old priest suggested that when I was being verbally "got at", I should look that person in the eye, saying "I am really so sorry for you right now", and actually feel pity for them.
Pity your AW for being addicted, for being in denial, for being unable to fight it, for being a grouch, for ruining her life, whatever.

If you have pity for her, she is not powerful enough to harm you.

God bless

Still Waters

Big :ghug3 to Jadmack, sooo very well said.

LaTeeDa

First, dragging it out into the light of day is a good thing. We cannot go about changing something until we know it exists, right? It's painful, it's difficult, but it's definitely a step in the right direction. Learning something new is never easy. And, it's even more difficult when we are learning a new way to be.

Second, it's not about blame. Blame is something I've found to be quite useless in my life. It's all about the past, and it does nothing to change things. The useful thing about the past is the lessons we can learn from it. Blame is a way of avoiding those lessons.

Anger is a normal human emotion. It is not, in and of itself, a bad thing. It's what you do with it that matters. You can wallow in it and make yourself miserable, or you can let it motivate you to make positive changes. And, surprisingly, I found that when I started making positive changes as a result of my anger, my anger lessened.

L

Duped

Too right. That's why I left. To work on myself. To ensure that I do not make these mistakes again. It's hard.

It's hard to not be angered when you have consistently been good to someone, they trample all over you, and then turn everything around to make you look like the bad guy. Which is essentially what we are all dealing with in a nutshell, alcohol or not, this is what's happening. Who needs that crap? It's abuse plain and simple. But they can't and won't stop it.

So we leave and we work on ourselves. Makes perfect sense and seems quite simple, yet it is difficult to put into practice - our situations are all similar, but each one has its unique properties that make doing this so hard.

Well, as they say, not perfect but improving.

Insulated

bears reposting...It's not YOU that he wants. It's the false sense of identity A's get from controlling and overpowering us. AAAAANNNNNDD ....
Since they make it so clear just how _________(fill in the blank), I wouldn't dream of them spending another minute with someone so unworthy.

Buffalo66

Duped, you and I appear to have the same significant other.

The projection is out of control, and the charisma with which he rallies people around his fabricated victimization is amazing.

He can do the most incredibly humiliating things to me, turn around, act the victim, and proceed to drink over this overlaid reality.

It is maddening. I think you should be mad, and sad. I am too. Sure everyone needs therapy. Everyone needs to release the anger, BUT...

That anger is something that is keeping me out of harms way right now (only 4 1/2 days No Contact so far.), and I usually water down the anger to keep the sadness at bay. I am so glad to be angry right now, and to be able to own it, and to not dilute it by interacting in venomous ways with him. I am just feeling it.

He has started to text, asking about our son. He always does after he messes up. He could not care less what is happening in his life when I answer, but, now...HE MUST know what our child is doing, thinking...Its a ploy.

My A actually always lists out the things that I say to him about himself and asks why I would want to be with him. He kind of misses the point that we have a child together, and I want a decent and even just remotely reliable father for him. He is 5 years old.

My son said yesterday, " I know that daddy is my daddy, but he does not act like he is. He does not even try to SEE me anymore.I guess he is busy."

I am angry too.

Thumper

Being angry is OK, especially in the beginning. Useful even so hang on to it right now!!. At some point it is necessary to kick that person out ouf your head because the anger will consume you and you will be losing the war with alcoholism and/or codependency. They/It has you in their grips even when they are not around you.

Once I came to acceptance, and then to the point of taking control of my life and my serenity, the anger and bitterness went away. I was angry when I felt the injustice of it all but I had to just let it go. It was not useful. I could not change it. I had to *be* the person I knew I was and then his words didn't anger me/hurt me so much. I still have work to do but the first hurdle is jumped. I also had so much guilt that I needed to work through and that went away when I plodded far enough along to realized how much better things are. I could never go back, no matter what, so the guilt has left for the most part.

Now I am working on regret. Looking back at key decisions and just wishing I could have a do-over. That gets me no where. I need to focus that energy on changing myself so that I make better decisions in the future. I'm going back to counseling for that one I think.

Duped

Oh yeah, the projection is out of control, and my exAGF also has model type looks, so she works her charm when character assassinating me.....

We likely have similar exes, except, it's reversed. I desperately want to be in my daughter's life but my exA is the one making it difficult for me.

In essence, I have to put my head on the chopping block and take the abusive behaviour in order to see my daughter. Very difficult, because she is vindictive.

Thumper

That is so sad. Work with social services and/or an attorney to get regular visitation set up. There are ways to do visitation, and get regular information about your daughter, without even having to see her mother much less have a conversation with her.

The people that matter will not be fooled by your ex no matter how pretty and charming she is. The people that matter know you personally. They know who you are. You are more then what one dysfunctional woman says. She does not define you. You define you. Be the person you are and your actions will speak much louder then her quacking. In he end they always do, at least to the people that matter.

I've also discovered that for me personally - the quacking my xah did was deafening in my ears. I didn't think anyone could see past it but really - it was only a roar to me. Everyone else heard the quacking, no more no less.

Duped

Cheers Thumper. Yes, I have a mediator and we are scheduled to iron things out at the beginning of the month.

Unfortunately, to work with this person I have to do so through family and lawyers. Sucks, but I can't put myself back into a position of weakness again with this person - which essentially happens through simple contact and being in her hemisphere. Sadly, she isn't interested in closeness or resolution to problems or civility, only her own selfish self interest and to use me for my pay cheque.

ExA was furious, likely because it will force her to deal with me and work with me on equal footing and with some fairness. She uses the child, of course, for emotional blackmail purposes.